Taking teenage dd's friends phones off them if they sleep over?

[CheckpointCharlie2]

I suspect I am but just need opinions.

Dd has loads of friends stay over. She has just turned 15. If her friends stay round, I get their phones around 11/11.30 and charge them outside her room. I do this so they actually sleep, and because I've read loads of articles about how bad it is to be on social media at all hours for teenagers and the blue light etc etc.

I feel bad now as she was due to have a friend stay tomorrow but is now saying her dad will come and collect her because dd is embarrassed about me taking phones away and doesn't want her friend to stay.
AIBU?

ButIfNot, how do you believe your teens are protected simply because the internet is switched off during the dark hours of a sleepover?
I don't. I'm pretty tech savvy for my age! I just mean that I am aware of the power of peer pressure when kids are together for long stretches. I don't have a teen yet (soon) so I should probably stfu but I can't say I have that much faith in them to be sensible. I know I wasn't.

I know you can't police them all the time, honest. I still think it's not an an abuse of human rights to restrict their phone use or "remove their property".

Absolutely agree that parental attention is essential. To develop healthy self-protective habits you need to know that somebody cares enough about you to want to keep you safe. It also helps to see that adults choose to avoid things that are bad for them. Perfectly ok to say "no porn in this house" or "all phones downstairs at night" or "no televisions in bedrooms".

I just don't think you can rely on other parents to that extent once your child gets above a certain age. Not unless they have specifically volunteered to do so.

FGS they are 15 not 5.I would not dream of telling someone else's kid what they can and can't do with their own phone.

On a school night I get you but over the weekend etc.

What's your reasoning behind doing this?

Oh God, no, I wouldn't expect other parents to. That's up to them. I certainly wouldn't assume they were up to no good if they banned phones though!
I do think we have kind of got to the point where having your phone on you all the time is seen as a total nessecity. It's odd. Thinking about it, I didn't even have a landline when I left home at 17. And no Internet when I had my child. Seems unthinkable now. I got a damn sight more done then!

IfNot, I don't think it's an abuse of their human rights either. I just see this kind of situation more as a teaching opportunity, not because I am a disengaged parent who hides my head in the sand and doesn't want to face trouble, but because I am the kind of parent who does want to face realities and help my children through them.

Mine are 17 and 21. Their cousins are 31, 29, 27, 20, 16 and 15.

Of course you are cory we all do what we think is for the best at the time.

We all use our phones as alarm clocks, so they are in the bedrooms anyway.

My DD3 is 15. She recently went on a school hockey tour to South Africa. Phones were not taken off them at night there and they were expected to be responsible enough themselves. She isn't set up for roaming abroad outside of the EU, so just had hotel WiFi, which of course is never turned off.

I take the view that phones brought to my house by other teenagers are not mine to confiscate.

Rules can be bent sometimes, and as my youngest is 15 now, and a very responsible one, I no longer bother with any such rules.

I think at some point you have to hand over control to the child, you can't police their phone usage forever and they need to learn how to navigate social media and regulate their phone usage themselves. I think 15 is probably a good age to start this process anyway.

No matter how much you switch the WiFi off, no matter what parental controls you put on your WiFi, teenagers will access porn, boys will ask them for nudes etc. you cant protect them from it, you can only teach them to make sensible choices and deal with it.

IPhones came out when I was in yr 8 I think so I was one of the first teenagers to have smartphones and me and most of my friends had completely unregulated access to the internet and we were totally fine, most of us were very sensible and were taught to be careful and those who weren't at least had friends who were, who could stop them doing anything silly (i remember a lot of talk about avoiding chatrooms when i was little) Im not advocating unregulated internet access but its so much more important to teach your children to be careful and sensible than to police their useage. You cant stop them doing silly things by turning the WiFi off at night and having good parental controls, they will always find a way.

I don’t agree.

I think you need to be having the conversations about internet use of course.

But I don’t think it’s silly to switch off wi-fi at night as it reduces the temptation to stay up all night on snapchat.

I think blocking extreme content is pretty basic - surely everyone does this - I have younger children too and it would be irresponsible to let them access that.

I actually laughed out loud when I saw this thread title!
I read it to my almost 15 year old and she said, and I quote :
" But what if they want to Snapchat a really peng lad???!!"

She was joking but incredulous. She said it's their property.
She had a sleepover recently and when we came downstairs one of her friend's had actually fallen asleep with her phone in her hand! They were no trouble on the sleepover btw.

It's what 15 year olds do.
It's not a school night. It's your half term.you can relax a bit. If it starts getting rowdy when you try to sleep you could switch the WiFi off?
My dd's sleepovers usually go quieter over time and they settle down to watch something on Netflix anyway.

Hmmm, I'd agree at 11/12 even 13 but at 15, No. don't make your DC be the one with that Mum.

I don't use my phone as an alarm clock. I don't like having phones in the bedroom at any age!

sideburns haha! I suspect that's pretty much what they'd be doing!

I've been roasted on here before for being a bit strict and have chilled out quite a lot. I think most replies are that IABU with a few that confirm that I am not outrageously out of order for thinking about it and wanting there to be some kind of rule.

Also I agree with all the posters who said that 15 is kind of the time to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. She talks to us about most of the events in her life and we have helped her with some of the things she has done and tried to explain when they are not her best choice. Generally she is pretty good though.

I don’t think you are foul for saying your 15 year old can be a bit of a shit.

My 12 yr old dd and my husband can be a bit of a shit sometimes, as can I. If they were four I might say “little monkey” or “naughty” but calling an adult or 12 year old a naughty monkey is weird. Bit of a shit works perfectly haha.

As for £20 a week pocket money, some will say £80 a month disposable income is more than they have a month after working every day every week, so it’s way too much for a £15 year old, others will say they give their children £50 a week. IMO it’s about what you cana ford and what you expect pocket money to cover..

My 12 year old doesn’t get any pocket money and knows that the bits she does get adds up to more than her mates get in cash so she wants to keep it that way haha.

I pay

Xbox live at £5.99 a month
Crunchy roll at £4.99 a month
Spotify at £9.99 a month
Phone at £10 a month.

Her dad gives her money for going out with friends to Costa or cinema or whatever.

£20 week to fund extras to my teenage self is a massive amount, but then my mum paid a flat out fee for watching everything on .tv, there was only landline bill to pay and going out with mates involved playing hide and seek etc instead of sitting in Costa... tomtodays teenager I can see how it can be used up very quickly.

If you can afford £20 a week it’s fine, it’ll be less than some others in here give their dc, but also more than others give there’s. It’s what works for your family and her attitude to others maybe nit having same as her that matters in my opinion.

Interesting discussion. If it wasn't for parents facilitating teenagers behaviours they would still be playing hide and seek rather than going to Costas etc. If parents didn't give their 15 year olds phones they wouldn't be able to afford them. It's not "teenagers today" who have changed their way of life, it's the parents who have made this change happen.

YABVU. I’d be so embarrassed if I was your DD

Thanks doubledinghy I love her bones but she can erm, push the boundaries! Her money would cover make up, presents for friends, chips after school and non essential clothes so I think reasonable. I've gone full time this year so can afford it and I think it would be good for her.
Ricotta that's really made me think! Dd paid half the money towards her own phone by making and selling a popular Christmas decoration so isn't averse to funding herself but you are so right about expectations if what teens do now re Costas etc.

Her mate is now staying over and although my palms are itching I'm leaving them be with their phones!!

I read a similar thread a couple of months ago possibly. The mother was annoyed that their child's phone had been taken off them at a certain time at a sleepover. Every other person told her to get a grip and why did the child need their phone at 2am. The child may have been younger, can't remember.
Have to admit rightly or wrongly I like my daughter to have access to her phone when staying over night elsewhere.

Lol at the notion that turning wifi off will achieve anything. 99% of smartphones come with days in the package so they'll be able to do literally everything the same, just using a few megabytes of their data allowance which is what they do out of the house anyway! Smartphones don't only work when connected to wifi 😂

@CheckpointCharlie2

I don't agree with parents taking the phones off other children on sleepovers, and think it's a cheek. I would be fuming if it happened to one of my kids.

Seems most people think the same.

Weird really, because as @ifcatscouldtalk said, on a thread from about 3 months ago, most people seem to think the parents of the child hosting the sleepover had every RIGHT to confiscate the phones of all the children attending.

Loads of 'my house my rules,' and 'strictly no phones at bedtime' rules, and 'if they don't like it, they won't be invited back!' Calling children spoiled and entitled for wanting to keep their OWN phone! And saying it 'beggars belief' that children want to keep their phone with them at night. Some real corkers on THIS thread! And some very controlling 'you do what the fuck I say or else!' type posters on there!!! 😁🤣😂

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2994956-Sleepover-would-you-take-phone-away

I would never send a child on a sleepover to a house with parents like THAT there!

@sunandmoonshine I think you've found another thread on this subject. The one I'm thinking of was, I'm sure a boy going to a sleepover and everyone was convinced they'd sit and watch porn all night. I'm not sure therefore if different rules apply to boys?! Anyway it all got a bit gang up on the op at her wanting her son to have his phone. It had a very different tone to this thread.

Hi @cats

I don't recall that one. U must have missed it. Was it a long time back?

Still the same point as you though, that the views are completely different on here.

Yes agreed @sunandmoonshine completely different views here.
If I could do a link I would . I didn't think it was that long ago.
@lemonshark I am clearly useless, as I thought no WiFi meant no internet access. I just nearly woke the husband to ask if I have a smartphone. Just humour me!!

Sunandmoon, I read that thread at the time.

I didn't comment because I just thought it was ridiculous. Some massively controlling parents on there. Glad I never have to share a house with any of them.

Someone has said no devices upstairs for anyone!! As another adult, I would openly disagree with you there and would have my own phone upstairs with me. I wouldn't stay anywhere where anyone tried to impose such a ridiculous rule on me, as I won't be treated like a child.

Call me entitled or whatever anyone wants.