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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking teenage dd's friends phones off them if they sleep over?

147 replies

CheckpointCharlie2 · 21/10/2017 22:34

I suspect I am but just need opinions.

Dd has loads of friends stay over. She has just turned 15. If her friends stay round, I get their phones around 11/11.30 and charge them outside her room. I do this so they actually sleep, and because I've read loads of articles about how bad it is to be on social media at all hours for teenagers and the blue light etc etc.

I feel bad now as she was due to have a friend stay tomorrow but is now saying her dad will come and collect her because dd is embarrassed about me taking phones away and doesn't want her friend to stay.
AIBU?

OP posts:
skaffler · 22/10/2017 00:23

Sorry I don't wish to be mean, but she sounds a proper madam. There's no way that is acceptable. And as for all the new age 'I wouldn't take a phone off a guest' idealists. If a parent took the phone off my child for the reasosn you stated I'd be absolutely behind them.

And as for it being embarrassing. If you insisted on sleeping in their room to be cool with the kids, that's embarrassing. Installing a bit of discipline is not embarrassing, it's tough shite. How do people think their children are going to cope beyond sifting along at the bottom later in life if you don't set the groundwork when they are young.

Stand your ground.

FeelingAggrieved · 22/10/2017 00:26

Yabu. They're 15 and it's a sleepover, not an every day thing. I'd let them keep their phones.

FeelingAggrieved · 22/10/2017 00:29

As you've now established .. 😂😶

FluffyPineapple · 22/10/2017 00:35

You want to take phones off 15 years olds? Hmm

Like that's ever going to happen...

Original poster
CheckpointCharlie2 · 22/10/2017 00:43

skaffler she can be a right shit but generally is a hardworking, sensible and well rounded girl and some of the things she's done recently have made me v proud. E.g. Helping a suicidal male friend through a really tough time, sticking up for another friend, coaching younger children in the (male dominated) sport that she excels at. So whilst at heart I still feel like it's my rules, my house I also think I need to give her a bit of leeway with her mates IYSWIM. She is a tough kid with a strong head on her shoulders which I am glad of.

I'm not sure she'll be having any more midnight baths though......

OP posts:
Tinycitrus · 22/10/2017 00:43

Our WiFi goes off at 9pm. So anyone using a device overnight needs credit. Wink

Original poster
CheckpointCharlie2 · 22/10/2017 00:44

fluffyp I've done it many times before now so it can be done!
Teacher voice!

OP posts:
Original poster
CheckpointCharlie2 · 22/10/2017 00:45

Am v interested in the no wifi option though.....

OP posts:
IfNot · 22/10/2017 00:48

I’d be shock if anyone took my child’s phone away from her. She’s an anxious one and knows she can phone us any time to come and get her. What an odd thing to do.
What do you actually think happened before mobile phones were invented? (gasp)
Oh my God, teenagers actually stayed at friends houses and we're forced to have no contact with their parents! Unless they used the landline. Although one of my friends has no landline, so I would have had to walk to the phone box...
I don't think you are particularly unreasonable, although I can see why your daughter is embarrassed. But I think we live in a world now where parents let their children dictate everything for fear of showing them up, which can't be healthy for them in the long run.
They might not sleep much on a sleepover, but they can survive without phones ( and all the mayhem they can cause) for one night. But yeah, As a compromise, turn off the wi fI.

Sparklingbrook · 22/10/2017 00:48

YY just switch the router off.

Original poster
CheckpointCharlie2 · 22/10/2017 00:56

Grin evil plan face

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 22/10/2017 00:58

It's not on to take someone's phone from them. That's their property, not yours.

But it's up to you what you do with your Wifi. If you want to turn that off, that's reasonable. They likely have data as a part of their phone plans, though.

AuntyElle · 22/10/2017 01:00

Describing your own daughter: "she can be a right shit" is foul.

Rachie1973 · 22/10/2017 10:42

struggling a bit with Rachie and phone calls at 2 AM

Its an anxiety thing. Its just a couple of texts sometimes, so I don't mind. To be honest, she's the youngest of 6 and if she stays out then I get to have rampant sex with my DH as loud as we like lol.

Its a weird one as she's generally a confident person, but had a bad experience at a sleepover once with a drunken dad and a scared Mum. Left a bit of a scar.

Ohyesiam · 22/10/2017 11:25

I think you've done the right thing up till now, but 15 is a bit of a watershed.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2017 11:54

I don't think I'd allow phones in the bedroom - crazy

corythatwas · 22/10/2017 11:59

I agree with Ohyesiam that 15 is a bit of a watershed: this to me is an age where parenting becomes more about helping them to make sensible choices rather than making the choices for them. Of course there will still be occasions where you have to be absolutely prepared to put your foot down, but I'm not sure this is one of them.

User843022 · 22/10/2017 12:02

'Unfortunately the general tone here of let them do what they want only serves to highlight the poor implementation of overall responsibility. Screens do not belong in the bedroom. Period'

Its a sleepover, its supposed to be fun so rules should be relaxed which the op now seems to have agreed. I don't let my Dc eat pizza and sweets all night every night but when she has friends over yes I do.

Its nothing to do with 'poor implementation of overall responsibility', just at 15 you don't police other people's dc phone use, whether in your house or not

Readermumof3 · 22/10/2017 12:03

I’d never dream of taking my teens friends phones from them at night. When my teens stay elsewhere I also want to be sure they can contact me at any time if they need to.

notacooldad · 22/10/2017 12:06

Skaffler Screens do not belong in the bedroom. Period.
In your opinion!!
What a silly broad sweeping statement!

We have no landline so have the phone in the bedroom.
Also our works vehicle is tracked and if anyone attempts to steal it ( as they hsave in the past) an alarm goes to the phone to alert us and the police.
The phone is used as an alarm clock. We went through a period of frequent power cuts so it would have been useless to depend on the alarm clock.

So what were you saying about screens shouldn't be in a bedroom - period?

Tinycitrus · 22/10/2017 12:06

To think we used to go and stay with friends with no means of contacting our parents Shock
How did we cope?
Grin

SeaToSki · 22/10/2017 12:09

I think asking them to put the phones outside the bedroom door to charge overnight is fine. If anyone needs one, they are right there, you are not taking them away and having some rules and enforcing them is still important for teenagers. You arent saying no phones at my house at all, or you have to go to sleep at what ever time. Just to not have devices in the room with them 24/7

Tinycitrus · 22/10/2017 12:10

I’d also add that our WiFi is locked down to operating from 8am to 9.30pm and restricted by Open DNS which blocks anything g but the most mainstream content.

I would hope that every house my dd visits would have similar restrictions especially access to content. I would very concerned indeed if there were no controls st all and would reconsider allowing them to stay and question your judgement as parents.

User843022 · 22/10/2017 12:11

'Our WiFi goes off at 9pm. So anyone using a device overnight needs credit'

Tbh I'd be pissed off if any of my dcs friends parents did this, they of course just use up their data why would you do that when you have wifi?

It's fine to do it with 10 yr olds but at 15 just let them snap chat their friends or listen to music. Yes we didn't have phones in our day but so what?

Restrict them on school nights, not when their friends are over.

LinoleumBlownapart · 22/10/2017 12:13

I have the same rule for my teen, no phone in the bedroom but this rule would not be enforced at a sleepover and I wouldn't expect other parents to do it if he was sleeping at his friend's house.