Taking teenage dd's friends phones off them if they sleep over?

[CheckpointCharlie2]

I suspect I am but just need opinions.

Dd has loads of friends stay over. She has just turned 15. If her friends stay round, I get their phones around 11/11.30 and charge them outside her room. I do this so they actually sleep, and because I've read loads of articles about how bad it is to be on social media at all hours for teenagers and the blue light etc etc.

I feel bad now as she was due to have a friend stay tomorrow but is now saying her dad will come and collect her because dd is embarrassed about me taking phones away and doesn't want her friend to stay.
AIBU?

Well that’s our house. We have sky/Netflix etc that should suffice for entertainment fir the poor lambs

It is strange how on this thread there are lots of people saying that their 15 year olds need their phones by their side during a sleep over in case they need their parents, but on a different thread (about a Y7 class watching the Hunger Games during an English lesson) people think that 11 year olds need to watch films containing death/violence/upsetting things to "learn about the world". And if they can't cope with watching films like HG at age 11 there's something wrong with them!

And I don't understand about not confiscating guests property. I don't think that's what the issue is. Surely there are some things you would confiscate? If your 15 year old's friends turned up with a bottle of vodka/drugs etc would you let them keep it in the bedroom?

If your and your child don't trust the host parents enough to ask them to use their phone if there's a problem then perhaps you should not let your child go for a sleep over at their house.

Tinycitrus, some of us believe that our teenagers a) can be trusted to make sensible choices b) must at some point be trusted to make sensible choices. That doesn't mean we don't have judgement. It's the simple practical realisation that unsuitable material is equally available in the daytime outside of the house, that we cannot walk with them every minute of the day at this age, and that consequently if they have not developed their own judgement, then nothing will protect them.

Of course I'd expect them to respect the house rules of any house where they are a guest: that's simple manners. But I am not naive enough to believe that the house rules at one particular sleepover, at the age of 15, will be enough to protect them from harm unless they have the sense and know-how and will to protect themselves from harm.

'If your 15 year old's friends turned up with a bottle of vodka/drugs etc would you let them keep it in the bedroom?'

No, obviously.

I get the restricting phones thing, we do it. Imo sleepovers isn't the time though, especially with 15 yr olds.

I am not sure you can compare bottles of alcohol with a mobile phone really.
If I needed to phone my parents when I was on a sleepover I would just use the landline, I don't think these days the mobile phone is required for that. Although i have had the occasional 'night Mum' text from my teens on a sleepover.

Sleepovers IMO are supposed to be fun, to do things you wouldn't normally do (like stay up all night) and have a laugh with your friends.

Not turn up, have your phone taken off you the internet switched off at 9pm with lights out at 10. My two wouldn't want to go to a sleepover like that.

Another reason why I don't have sleepovers. I have strict rules about phones in bedrooms after 10.30pm. My own kids know this, understand the reasons for it and adhere to it.
I know I'm in the minority though and I won't face the wrath of teens or parents who don't agree.

The sleepovers around here dropped off quite suddenly around the age of 15. They tend to stay for the evening then go back to their own houses now.

I think the novelty wears off and they start to just want to sleep in their own beds.

But I am glad we allowed them, and for ours to go to others.

no of course a bottle of vodka or drugs isn't the same as a mobile phone. I was just trying to prove that this is not about it being wrong to "take property off a guest". I'm not sure what it's about really! But I can't see why being asked not to use your phone during a sleep over is such a big problem.

You can't really do a bag check and frisk them as they arrive can you?

I've told her I'll relax the no phone rule for sleepovers, friend is going home at half ten now anyway! (She had a sleepover last night and parents don't want her to be too knackered)

Next question is how much money do I give her a week now she is 15? Was thinking £20 a week and she gets everything she needs?

She's just chucked some chocolate on my lap so think she approves!

She's not a drinker, never had any so far so I don't need to worry about that. She's too paranoid about losing control or damaging her sporting ability.

We don’t have lights out at 10

I think as a parent you need to draw boundaries. There are boundaries in our house in terms of content that can be accessed on the internet to under 18s and I would have thought it would be parenting 101 to do this.

Sure there are many other pitfalls for young people using social media which do not include extreme or hateful content. This is an ongoing discussion in our house and also why the wi-fi goes off in the late evening.

Of course you have to help them deal with snapchat etc but they are not yet adults and they need you to step in and set boundaries and show them what is acceptable behaviour online.

I think many parents bury their heads in the sand and just do not want to know what their children are getting up to online. It’s much easier not to challenge it and tell yourself that they are learning how to cope etc

I think yanbu.

But don't fgs term it as 'taking them away'. We all leave our phones here [wherever] at night, please can you do the same at 11pm. If you need it then go and use it there but not in the bedroom.

15yos need boundaries still and anyone who wants to sleep with their phone under their pillow I will give a lift home at 11pm.

Tinycitrus, it does strike me as a bit smug to assume that any parents who don't enforce rules in exactly the same way with their older teens are burying their heads in the sand and refusing to take responsibility for their parenting.

Some may have done efficient parenting over many years and be in a position to make a perfectly correct estimate about the level of personal responsibility appropriate for their child.

I have always felt perfectly confident about my ability to establish whatever boundaries I need to establish. But I am also anxious to establish the idea that as you grow into your later teens you are increasingly responsible for your own safety. You can ask your parents for help, and they will always be happy to advise, but keeping on the right track is your job.

And I really don't see why the only way of showing teens what is acceptable behaviour online is to switch off the wifi. It's one way, not the only way.

Yes - but I’m nit going to make that decision on your behalf for your teen. I’d rather have controls in place

My childhood friends with very strict parents ended up going off the rails as adults. I sometimes wonder if that is because they weren't given the freedom to make choices and mistakes in their teen years and as a result they didn't know what to do with their sudden complete freedom.

Some other parent who doesn't actively prevent my teen from sneaking up in the middle of the night and breaking rules is not making a choice on his behalf: he is.

As a parent, it is my job to make sure my teen understand what rules govern his behaviour, what is acceptable to access and what is not acceptable.

I cannot expect other parents to necessarily have the same rules or be prepared to enforce mine, certainly not after my child reaches a certain age.

I half agree with you Cory..but sadly I see the difference between my son making safe and sensible decisions when alone, and the pack mentality he displays with his friends. (Working on this).
I'm just not sure about trusting a bunch of teen boys with all night Internet access. Or girls, for different reasons. My WiFi blocks adult content, but not sure if everyone's does.
Sometimes I think parents can be really over trusting when it comes to tech. Sadly, the massive amount of cyber bullying, sexting, porn use by children says that they can't always be trusted. I would agree that 15 is when you have to start to loosen the rules though.
We really did cope (and had lots of fun) pre phones. Maybe more fun because the focus was on the moment, not doing filtered selfies for Insta.

No one is going to go off the rails because their parents blocked porn and switched off the world go in the evenings

At 15?!

And yes - my eldest is 13. At 15 I might think she’s mature enough to have wi fi until later especially with pals.

I'd turn off the wifi at a stated time. Luckily, we're rural so the mobile reception is pretty poor.

ButIfNot, how do you believe your teens are protected simply because the internet is switched off during the dark hours of a sleepover?

Surely the internet is not like old-fashioned television so that bad things only show after a certain hour of night? Whatever bad is out there is something your teens could access any time they walk out of the house and end up in the company of someone with a mobile phone. Sexting, porn, cyber bullying, the lot- it doesn't just happen late at night. And it doesn't just happen in somebody's home.

Which doesn't mean I don't think you should switch the mobile off at bedtime. I absolutely think you should. Teaching healthy relaxation habits is essential.

I had total freedom from 15, and very little supervision prior to that . I totally went off the rails! Some kind of parental attention may have helped..

OP Just because you know think your house is safe, we all know children are likely to be abused by someone we know, be that in their own home or the homes of close friends. I'd be seriously raising an eyebrow if a parent wanted to remove my point of contact with my child. And I'd question your motivation in doing so.