It’s been long enough now that the edge of my annoyance has worn off such that I’m not actually furious furious about it and I wanted to find out what people thought of events and maybe get some insight from an outside perspective. And yes, that’s honeymoon, not wedding… so, bring your popcorn and your tuppence! 
I don’t normally post much – I’m a bit of a lurker and went offsite for a while as part of a Mumsnet FB group, but I wanted to get a more general (and anonymous) response than from the guys in the group. So...
I recently got married after 14 years with DH, for a combination of tax reasons and because DH’s grandparents really were pushing the ‘we’re old and want to see him settled down(!), it’s important now there’s a baby for stability’ motif.
Our joint income is higher than everyone else’s on my side of the family – my family is working class, his is middle class. Because my side of the family have no money, every event is penny-pinching and causes stress and money worries for everyone. I wanted to alleviate everyone’s worries (more on this in a bit), so I (we) paid for more or less everything. We paid for the hen night. We paid for all the bridesmaid’s dresses etc. And we paid for a honeymoon which, rather than a romantic getaway, was a chance to get the relations on my side of the family who might otherwise not have been able to have a holiday in the summer out to Cornwall. I asked folks if they would like to go, they said yes.
The wedding was fantastic. Okay, there were a few minor issues, DH’s grandfather getting drunk and hypercritical, my sisters backed out of singing at the last moment and they could not manage to get their act together about shoes in time (that I was paying for, so it wasn’t money that was the issue) so we ended up having a last minute stress about that, but all in all nothing that you couldn’t expect as normal levels of issues from a wedding and it was a really wonderful day.
On the honeymoon, we started off heading up in a minibus and a flaming row broke out between my dad’s girlfriend, let’s call her F, and my youngest sister S at a service station. In retrospect having heard what happened I suspect that it was a combination of miscommunication, F being anxious and nervous and S being easily wounded and unable to forgive but more or less F at fault. F was having a go at S whilst S was holding the hand of her (and my) 3-year-old niece. My DH walked said niece back to the minibus. I spoke to them, not taking sides, but just said, “Please can we not fight?” F turned round and told me to go away, before I had a chance to react (in disbelief) S said she wanted to go home now and F, not to be outdone, declared she wanted to go home as well. I walked off and went back to the minibus, explained to folks what was going on and my dad went out to referee.
Eventually they came back and I was told it had all been ‘sorted out’. Great, I’m thinking, a hiccup and then we can get on with having a great time. My family are usually very close-knit and can be very supportive and loving, and I had this (highly unrealistic) fantasy that everyone would have fun on the beach, be happy and have a great time.
We get to the campsite (it’s a Tuesday). There are two lodges, the ‘honeymoon’ one and a normal one, both three bed sleep six. I have said already I don’t mind who is where but I would like to go in the honeymoon one. There is my dad and F, my mum, my sister M, my brother in law J and their two kids (the nieces), me, DH, our baby, my sister S, my sister B and two dogs. Only the non-honeymoon lodge takes dogs.
First off my brother-in-law J and B have a row whilst unpacking bags at the non-honeymoon lodge. B said he was sharp with her, M agrees he can be very cutting and rude but that he had reason to be irritable due to the stress of the journey and the fact that S was suddenly thrust on them as an unexpected guest. She refuses to stay in the same lodge as F (despite it being ‘all resolved’), and he feels it is overcrowded (and doesn’t deal well with the unexpected anyway). F is now with me, DH, my dad and the baby. No one has asked me if I’m happy on my honeymoon to stay with the woman who told be to go away on the honeymoon I paid for, but I’m like, okay whatever, I just want peace. I’m also really astounded that B has burst into tears over a tone of voice, but, okay, it’s been a long journey, people are stressed etc etc and I love them both and assume it will all resolve come morning. There are now 7 in the six-berth lodge with S sleeping on the sofa. B can’t come up to our lodge because her dog will panic without her so she has to stay at the dogs-allowed lodge. My mother can’t be in the same lodge as F because this would be weird and awkward, and M&J and the nieces don’t want to move as they say they don’t want a clash between our routine and ours – basically our baby wakes and wakes their kids up, their kids keep our baby up etc (reasonable enough). F apologises to me that evening.
Day two dawns. B and S are withdrawing from everyone due to the stress. We decide to leave the drama and go enjoy ourselves at the beach. Day three we go off to the Eden Project with dad, F, M&J and the nieces. We hear that B is chaperoning S who is still upset about F’s behaviour and wants to avoid her. B and S have been rowing with J. M has been just trying to keep her head down and keep her kids happy and having fun. My mother is honestly veering between stressed and enjoying the drama. She wants to ‘have it out’ with F for upsetting her baby daughter and says she only hasn’t to avoid further stress.
Now at this point, it is Thursday and we have only two days left as we will be travelling back on the Sunday. DH and I haven’t had any alone time yet at this point. I had stupidly assumed that it wouldn’t be that difficult to snatch an hour or two with so many adults about to babysit but this hasn’t happened at all. My dad and F are in the same lodge with us so can’t look after her there – they’d need to head out for a bit to give us time as well. My mother is out of the picture as she was an abusive and violent parent. She’s improved now, I’ve mended my relationship with her and forgiven her but DH is absolutely not willing to risk that she might hurt our baby. I don’t agree with his assessment of the risk that she would – she only hit older kids, not babies, and I really don’t think she would dare try it now – but I 100% support him and agree he has every right to be uncomfortable about it all. M has her own girls to look after.
As we come back after the Eden Project S volunteers to babysit tomorrow (Friday) evening with B. We haven’t actually asked anyone, not wanting anyone to feel like their presence here has to be paid for by babysitting or anything. I’m really grateful and thankful and ask her more than once if she’s sure this is okay. So I’m working myself up, really looking forward to it and all and then my dad comes into the lodge and whilst we’re chatting, cooking lunch he mentions that B and S are ‘going to the pub tonight’.
Now I’m really ped off. I’m only a little ped off that they’ve cancelled – I know that S is stressed and miserable as she feels that F’s behaviour triggered her and reminded her of when we were kids and mum was abusive. I know that B has been looking after her, missing out on fun to try to keep S going and upset at her altercations with J. But I am absolutely sodding furious that I found out like that via dad and that they didn’t even have the decency to ask me if it was okay to cancel or even tell me that they were and why. Not once does it seem to have occurred to them that this is meant to be my honeymoon. I assume they’re thinking it isn’t really ‘special’ to me as it was never my ‘dream’ to be married in the same way as some. But I had felt it was a bit special and I had hoped to come away with positive memories of an expensive holiday I paid for which was in part to celebrate our wedding.
So I’m furious, and text B asking if they’re still ok to babysit as I can see what is coming. The answer is no, ‘maybe tomorrow’ as they want to go to the bar today to de-stress. I am furious, again not with the idea of waiting until tomorrow per se, but the sheer thoughtlessness of their actions. That they just decided and went ahead with with their own plans without consulting or informing me. That they don’t think that after all the feuding, which I haven’t been responsible for, on what is meant to be a special-ish occasion I might also need this time out. There’s also the fact that there’s supposed to be a long trip planned tomorrow as it’s the younger niece’s birthday, and I’m under the impression that we would all be tired afterwards. And that given how flakey they are we’d be ditched again.
B is saying how it was a favour, she assumed it was flexible and she ‘didn’t remember that we’d decided a day for definite’ (we did). She’s blaming me for not giving much notice (again, they bloody volunteered) and says it’s my fault things have gone badly for bringing my family on holiday.
She then tells mum she has a migraine which is why she can’t make the babysitting, but apparently this is not enough of a migraine to not go to the pub…
So I end up in tears wildly texting my outrage on the beach whilst supposed to be having a good time. My dad at least apologises (daft given that he’s been least troublesome) and says that he does think we need a break. We’re talking about whether I could hire a babysitter, I have no idea where to take the baby and honestly wouldn’t feel comfortable about just taking her somewhere local I don’t know. We talk about going to a hotel, but I’m honestly not sure we can afford it given how much money we’ve put into this already. Eventually M comes to the rescue and volunteers. (She then hands the baby off to my mother, but that’s a whole other story).
The alone time is full of stress from the prior events, but at least we’re together. Saturday comes and S and B flat out refuse to come on the birthday trip for their two-year-old niece, which I honestly think is a bit awful – I didn’t refuse on the basis that they might show up – but I’ve kind of given up at this point. I’d hoped that the niece would have a wonderful birthday on holiday, but it ends up being a bit of a wash-out and M agrees that she did not have the day she deserves.
We get back home.
B ditches on her regular babysitting for me on Mondays starting as of that Monday morning, which gets me into trouble at work.
There is a long row on FB messenger. S and I thrash it out. I’m not entirely happy with everything she has said (mostly her insistence that a honeymoon is no more or less special than a holiday) but she apologised, explained she had been having issues with F for a while (she’s the youngest and they’re both fighting for dad’s attention). We agreed to take some time out for a bit and then be okay again. Everyone else has had a go about everyone else – to me – but no one else wants to actually raise the issues they have with one another in person.
B has basically refused to speak to me since. S has kindly stepped in with the babysitting.
In hindsight, yes, I should have spent the money on just me and DH. I don’t think it was my fault that the feuding happened exactly, but those times when family gel and are happy together just can’t be created on demand. That and B & S were not in the slightest bit grateful, as far as I can tell. I can only assume that they think that since we have more money than them, it didn’t cost us at all. We have a mortgage, we have our own costs etc etc.
We’ve had various family events since, and somehow, despite my saying I’m not okay with it, it has all ended up swept under the carpet again. People have issues with people but they’re never resolved and just keep cropping back up as b**ing behind people’s backs.
In hindsight again, I’ve spent far too long in my life wanting to fix my broken family (both in the sense of dysfunctional and in the sense of individuals struggling with depression). From the early years when my mother was abusive, I had this idea in my head that if I could somehow be good enough and do the right things everyone would be happy again. I have since realised, harsh as it is, that I cannot be responsible for making my family happy. I can’t actually fix people – they have to do that themselves. Even when we didn’t have a good income we were always ‘loaning’ people money which we never got back and I’ve been feeling for a while now that, whilst they do put stuff into the relationship, it’s all very, very one-sided.
It’s going to be my birthday soon, and I am seriously thinking of telling people that I don’t want any presents, only a family meeting where people thrash out their issues. I certainly don’t want a birthday where I pretend everything is okay. (On a side note I’ve been asked to organise a Halloween event because mine is the only house that’s free.)
I am also still really bloody annoyed that somehow, despite us paying for the holiday, despite her ditching on pre-agreed babysitting and making plans without even thinking about how we'd feel, B still thinks that I am in the wrong.
AIBU? And what do I do?