to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

@wrenika that’s an odd way of thinking of it imo. If my DP was paying for a cleaner and childcare etc for my child (if I wasn’t providing childcare) then he’d be way worse off than he is now?
@ALittleMoreEducation it’s true though? Did you read my post? He was in such a deep depression he couldn’t do anything for himself, fair enough in most situations this isn’t true but he only has his job because I wrote his CV, replied to emails and did all the boring work for him? He’s progressed a lot in his job too and he’s said this is because of me as he’d probably still be an alcoholic without me and definitely wouldn’t have been chosen for promotions etc? Fair enough he may have but he’s said he doesn’t think so.
@SleepFreeZone thank you honestly he’s perfect by himself he just needed to realise it!

I actually feel a little bit sorry for myself as a working parent. I hate having to go to work and leaving my little boy at home with his Dad. I want to be at home with him.

I teach but I don't see that I am achieving anything particularly over and above what I could achieve by being at home with my little boy.

It seems to me that often we assume working has too much importance and looking after children has too little.

Getahaircut, it’s not the pride in your achievements that gets me. Good for you. It’s the sneering at others who may be successful in a different way to you. Some people don’t have your abilities, however hard they graft. I’m not saying you’ve been sneering. But it’s pervasive on this thread.

I did the idea that these man can’t be successful witnout a wife at home laughable really.
My DH is a high earner and successful, I work FT and wee raising three brilliant kids. Yes we have help and I outsource stuff like cleaning and shopping but we’re still able to be good parents and have careers.
Fine if you want to be a sahp, bit don’t pretend your dH couldn’t be successful without you

Also, I’m sorry if my posts seem inflammatory. I actually really like that this thread is opening up this kind of conversation, it’s interesting to see different views on this.

Splendid
I do what I do because dh doesn’t earn enough to look after my needs. I am disabled and can’t work and need a lot of cash to keep me mobile and not bedridden and I will need the money till I die. I have chronic pain and don’t have good quality of life. I would be a burden to the state if I didn’t do what I do. As is, I claim nothing.

By buying properties in an unmortgagable state and selling them on, I am putting viable properties back on the market. I don’t see it as a one way street because we have rentals 5, soon to be 4 rentals. Perhaps you should be sending some very strongly worded letters to lord sugar because he’s made the vast majority of his millions through property. Dh and I are small fry.

WhataHex
Thank you. I wasn’t trying to justify myself. Just to illustrate the op has no idea about people’s situation and she is judging people for being Sahms when their lives can be very different or can include caring for elderly relatives or working voluntarily for the local church.

Perhaps people are just more comfortable talking about other people's achievements rather than their own. Both DH and I willl wax lyrical about each other's achievements but would struggle to talk about our own outside of a job interview

Sorry for typos!

I also have ME/CFS.

OP you seem to have a real lack of insight into the challenges that some families may face and the decisions they have to make. Not everyone has a high flying well paid career that they would be sacrificing to become a SAHM. Many children have additional needs that can't be met by affordable childcare at all.

In my case I have no choice but to stay at home. My son has SN and I currently have to home educate him with no sign of that stopping anytime soon. I'm sorry you seem to think the only kind of achievement is earning lots of money. My carer's allowance certainly doesn't qualify as that!

But I feel I've achieved. I've taught my son to read, take him to groups where he has finally made some friends and I've also conpleted three quarters of an OU degree so far. I'm not climbing up the corporate ladder but I'm doing the best I can for my family with the hand I've been dealt. I can't imagine ever caring enough about how other families organise themselves to start a goady thread on it. It's a shame you felt the need to.

Also what is it with all these useless men who can only hold down a job if someone else is dealing with real life for them?

Yes, I think I'd struggle to find one of them attractive. Although I assume the large payslip helps in some circumstances.

To be fair my husband has helped me in my "career". He has often popped in to my classroom to help me out, he helped my make resources, spreadsheets and has taken on most of the childecare so I can work in the evenings. He has turned down promotions so he can work fewer hours so he can be the main carer for our children

I believe that my decision to stay at home has enabled my husband to become a very high earner.

My son was diagnosed on the spectrum when he was 3.5 (he's now 6) and I also developed an autoimmune disease at the same time, and it was easier in my mind to stay at home and help my son get to a good place with speech, occupational therapy etc. My health at that time was so uneven, that I didn't dare chance a return to the workplace.

I am in a much better place these days (as is my son, who is very high-functioning). So I've taken three years to help my son, stablise my health issues, and have started a return to freelance work a couple of days a week. But I remain of the opinion that I helped my husband rise up the ranks by allowing him to keep his focus on work during a very stressful time.

I think for many parents male or female if working part time/flexi working was more encouraged more people would be able to stay in work.

I was able to go part time (start my own business) as I was disillusioned with my (much better) paid career. Now I would of stayed if part time was an option or even if hours were really 9-5 but no such luck. Working part time really works for me as I get a break from kids, keep up with technological changes (things are changing so fast) & it makes me feel good. Also I need structure.

It's pretty boring when people blather on about their kids, their job or their dh's job tbh. Other than perhaps your parents, no one is usually that interested in hearing a monologue about your lifetime achievements.

And the "how much do you earn threads" are just an excuse to brag under the guise of career advice.

I have a genuine question. I am pregnant, my husband and I are already planning for me to go back to work full time when my maternity leave is over. I’m not the highest earner, but I have the highest earning potential. I’m the more educated of the couple, with a PhD in Economics.

I said to him, if we moved to the States, where I’m from, I’d earn about 3 times as much as he does. He and I have been looking for a time to move and we’ve decided to do it in about five years. I said, I’d be responsible for all of the outgoings of the household for at least three months while you wait for your green card. He’d be responsible for running the household. If he decides, he wouldn’t need to work and we could live comfortably on my income (roughly £130k a year). I said, would it be fair for you to say that you’re partly responsible for my income and my achievements? He looked at me like I was crazy. He said absolutely not. He said, we’re a team. If you’re bringing in the income, then you do it off your own back, your own work, your own qualifications. I had nothing to do with you making those qualifications, so why could I take credit for your income. Would it be OK for him to say that he facilitates my career?

Just FYI, I met my husband during my PhD, he did not enable me to finish the doctorate, I had to do it on my own. I had outside funding, he never paid any money towards my PhD. When we moved in together when I was in my third year, I paid 50% of all bills, food, and his mortgage. If we did not marry and decide to have children, I’d continue on my career path in the exact same way.

In my field, I don’t need for someone to be at home taking care of things, I can easily do them myself as I could work from home/flexible working hours without affecting my earning potential.

Off topic but also very on topic, there’s actually quite a bit of economic research that shows that when men have children, their income increases. The researchers think its because of the time of the men’s careers that mean it overlaps with a natural progression, or also because men’s careers aren’t negatively affected by children. They’re not expected to take off sick days, do the pick ups, drop offs, etc. Women still are, whether they’re at home or at work. Even when men do the pick ups and drop offs, their career isn’t negatively affected, according to this research. I think this is our underlying problem in society.

This isn’t a SAHM vs. Working parent argument. This is a society argument.

But I remain of the opinion that I helped my husband rise up the ranks by allowing him to keep his focus on work during a very stressful time.

They'll be plenty of women around who've done the same as you, but their husbands are still in their averagely paid jobs and haven't risen up the ranks. Why do you think that is?

Stopgap, I’ve been through something similar to you, when ds was diagnosed with asd. I was working and dh wasnt. So setting up his programme was done with dh at home but no way was it a case if dh doing that so I could focus on Work. We did it together and I would regard him as having very legitimate ground for complaint if I’d left it to him because I was working.
I’m sure that’s not what you meant. But I hate this idea that the working parent leaves the other to take the burden of kids and home from them. I see families that work like that and they’re not happy. These things should be shared.

Truthfully I don't think my husband would ever consider being a SAH parent even I earnt millions (diff if won the lotto). I also wouldn't like to be the high earner with a man who didn't work at all once kids were at school even though I don't judge it when the roles are reversed.

Vicarious liking of other achievements is not confined to this, or even being proud of your children.

DH was already established in a career with potential before I met him. The field I was training towards has less potential. As a couple and a family, there is more reward in focusing on his than mine. Since having DCs, I've worked PT, FT and currently a SAHM. SAHM is better for family life at present. I will review my working life in the future as family needs change.

At present, my DCs are happier for having more time to relax in their home and do some activities than they were when they spent 50 hours a week in school/ childcare. They are doing better at school because they rest more, and I have more energy to support them.

The cost of outsourcing the domestic work I do as a SAHM quickly negates the financial benefits of me working, so it just ends up with everyone being more frazzled for little benefit.

The costs of DH's job are his working hours and working away at short notice. The financial costs of him attempting to reduce his professional commitments are too great. He was part time many years ago for the benefit of his studies, and returned to full time because the job still expanded to fill his time and he was still pretty much full time, but on 80% of his salary.

I do like the identity of my career and miss it a little, but my DCs give me pride, and I have more time to follow my own interests. I never did intend working myself into a grave like my dad did, and missing out on watching my children reaching adulthood. Life is unpredictable, and it's important to me to responsibly enjoy what I have while it's there. Every other family needs to do whatever works for them.

Perhaps people are just more comfortable talking about other people's achievements rather than their own

It would be nice to think that was the case, but it’s not, as proven by two facts

1/ You will rarely see a working woman claim her husbands achievements as her own, it’s a phenonemen which is very much peculiar to women who don’t work.

2/ they are not talking about their husbands achevements in a loving manner, they are claiming the credit for themselves as if it’s their achievement.

As said befor, I think the achievement is being happy, raising good happy kids, I fail to see why they need to post well my husband earns x and it’s because of me. You can be damn sure the dude ain’t telling anyone the same thing unless his wife is standing right next to him,

OK i earnt a lot in the late 80s/90s. Enough to own a house in SW London. When I met DH he was in digs and sharing a bedroom just about making ends meet. He was v clever and I fell completely in love with him. His career was in an elite, traditional field and he was v self conscious as a working class northerner dealing with clients, entertaining, etc. I oth was used to meeting people and working a room came to me naturally. I hugely supported my DH in those aspects of his career.

By the time we were married and had children his earnings were catching mine up. I gave up work because my money enabled me to do so and I wanted to and had facilitated it. For the next 8 years (When DH was 32-40) I did everything at home: all childcare, all domestics (cleaner of course), organised schools and parties and parents' evenings, went to dinners and parties and gave them. Bought and wrapped gifts at Xmas for his staff and supported his set as well as him.

We have always been a team. I went back to work when my youngest was settled at school starting again in something new and at the bottom. On Friday I interviewed for Director of Service for my company. Our DC are grown up now and I can give 110%+ commitment again. Actually as DH has switched and taken his foot off the gas a bit.

I absolutely feel I contributed to DH's success. In his field the pressure has broken many marriages and it has a significant impact on professional performance.

Equally, if I was independent and Didn't have DH my little house of yore is now worth about £1.2m, I earn £60k, perhaps another £25 next week and my last pension statement indicated that my pension should pay about £23k at 65.

As a partnership we have been very successful. Individually that still would have been so but I believe in our case the sum of the whole is far greater than the sum of the parts would have been.

We have been married for more than 26 years. We have done it together. I am proud of him and he of me and the mutual comfort and support we have provided has made us successful.

And finally, whilst I've never introduced myself as Raindrops, my husband's a xxxxx, I did once introduce myself to an ambitious young woman at a party as "Raindrops. She asked me what I did and when I said I was a housewife, she turned her back. Half an hour later DH turned to her and said "let me introduce you to my wife". Her face was an absolute picture. DH was her boss. So perhaps it can help ambitious young women to be explicit about who exactly one is. Especially one's with limited manners. I didn't tell DH until she took three months to write a thank you for her wedding present and he'd decided himself she was ill mannered.

Women are their own worst enemy with the constant criticisms and bitching imo.

I think it makes perfect sense that men's earnings increase around the time they have children, based purely on the age that career minded people generally have children. Looking around me, that seems to be 'in your thirties'.

In your thirties is when you have got ten years of post university experience behind you. You're clawing your way into higher paid work. Unfortunately for women, it coincides with the time where many of us think 'if I want to have children I'd better do it now'. And if you haven't actually reached the stage you want to, career wise, before you have children you're often stuck.

Love your post Raindrops. You and your husband sound a great team.