to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Surely it's a question of values as well? Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this is repetitive.

I worked in the City, earning well over $100k. I decided not to return to work after DC1's birth because she would have been raised by nannies. I hated my job (high stress, sometimes interesting but often not at all, lots of jerks to deal with) and didn't think it was particularly important to society (capital markets). What's the point of doing that if you don't want to?

OP keeps using the work "achieve." Well, I don't necessarily equate "achievement" exclusively with paid work. I didn't feel like I was "achieving" that much as a capital markets lawyer. Do you just mean money? If that's the case, then it's a question of values -- many who choose to be SAHMs value some intangible things above money.

Raindrops why should that young woman have cared that you were her bosses wife? I get the point about basic politeness. But if I worked for a man who produced his wife as some entity I was supposed to doff my cap to, I’d be taking my talents elsewhere.
Very traditional attitudes you’re both carrying I think - not sure they’ll make much sense to the younger generation he’ll need to recruit if he’s to remain so very successful?

The main reason it bothers me is because if a woman starts a thread asking a load of mothers who work what they do and how they earn, to be blunt, the experience of most fathers is not relevant. It is just a different question how the mothers did it.

Because the answer to how most of the fathers did it is almost always "he had a wife". And that's unfortunately not much use to most women.

I do find the global “we earn” statements odd.whilst SAHM may spend the money she didn’t earn it. There’s no we. There is he who earns the sole salary. And I know folk say or he couldn’t earn x without their childcare,domestic etc support. But domestic and childcare can be purchased, undertaking these tasks doesn’t render the SAHM indispensable.

I think bragging vs. being sweetly, discreetly, appropriately proud of your spouse and their achievements is to a certain extent in the eye of the beholder. I know a young wife who was always her husband's biggest cheerleader and I thought it was cute but she drove most people (men and women) up the wall which is fair enough I guess.

Having said that, and I know it sounds sneery and I don't care, generally the spouses who have real, big achievements just don't need to sing them from the rooftops. Everybody just knows because it's obvious. So if someone feels the need to big stuff up, it generally means that it's just not that impressive.

A family is a team, an economic unit, and I think what's sad is that women are so routinely paid less that it makes sense for the woman to be the one that steps out. So long as the woman has the protection of marriage and makes sure that she steps back in again with the full support of the other member of her 'team' then it shouldn't cost her her entire financial future.

I’m a SAHM to three school aged dc. I’ve never had a career, my highest flight was a short lived stint as a sales manager for a very sketchy company.

I actually gave up work due to illness so it’s not a choice. But I am miles happier and more fulfilled as a SAHM. And since I’ve been at home, DH has been able to work 70hr weeks and almost tripled his income, and has had a massive pay rise due to his commitment to the company. He couldn’t have done this with our old lifestyle because the logistics of childcare would have made it impossible.

I do volunteer and get involved with school stuff but mainly I potter and read and watch a lot of tv. Don’t feel sorry for me, this is my dream life.

I'm a sahm, mostly for childcare reasons and sn. If I up the amount of housework I do by 10%, my dh doesn't get a 10% rise in salary. If I bake more cakes, that doesn't affect the economy and the rate of inflation. My being at home has no bearing on what he earns.

Women are their own worst enemy with the constant criticisms and bitching imo.

Says the woman who deliberately didn't tell her husband's young female subordinate that she was married to her boss to catch her out at a party and then is on here gloating about the younger woman's bad manners.

LOL.

formerbabe it's just a matter of circumstance. Me staying at home did not enable him to jump from janitor to Wall Street worker. He was already a high earner (law firm partner) but at that time was building a bigger book of business, and made the move from a top 20 firm to a top 10 one.

Karlos I do hear what you're saying and I agree with you. My husband did take time off to help when my health was in the toilet-maybe two days a monthand his focus on DS, me, plus our new baby, was one hundred percent at the weekends. He didn't go golfing or whatever but helped cement all of the techniques I had been shown or read about during the week, and took the kids one afternoon when my autoimmune stuff was particularly awful.

Being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice (and to the PP who said childcare and housework can be purchased and therefore not indispensable - of course they are indispensable ffs. Just like food is, even if you can purchase it ).

Being a WOHM is also an equally perfectly valid choice.

Some people don't have a real choice, so they do what they must (SAHM and WOHM alike).

However, I would say this -

Being a WOHM is usually more knackering in the short term.
Being a SAHM is usually a more risky strategy in the long term.

Make of that what you will.

Karlos what a strange post. What makes you think anyone expected a cap to be doffed. The fact is that if I'd introduced myself as xxx Sparkles wife, I doubt she'd have turned her back on me but when she thought I was a housewife she did because in that capacity I was worthless to her. Not that I told DH anyway. She should have been polite to everyone. As things turned out I think she didn't develop particularly good client relationships.

I think we are pretty tuned into the younger generation and DH's field needs young people with vast intellects and not many of them. He doesn't have herds of junior staff in a traditional corporate pyramid.

Some women want a high flying career, some women want to stay home and bake cakes. Most women have to settle for somewhere in the middle.
Who gives a fuck what other people do, it’s not wrong to work 70 hours a week and never see your kids, it’s not a wrong to stay home and scrimp in order to be able to do so.
Surely feminism is about giving women a CHOICE not saying well now staying home is not an option you have to put your kids in childcare and work all the hours you can, that’s still oppression!

I have friends who work full time and love it, I have friends that work full time and hate it, I have friends that work part time and hate it, I have friends that work part time and love it and I have friends that stay at home and love it and those that hate it.
I have a friends that’s just halved her hours (and income) as she felt working all the time was not good for her kids and she wanted to be able to sit down and do homework with them afterschool and not at 8pm when they all got in from Work/childcare.

ALittleMoreEducation you said "Says the woman who deliberately didn't tell her husband's young female subordinate that she was married to her boss to catch her out at a party and then is on here gloating about the younger woman's bad manners." How do you extrapolate Raindrops did such a thing when she was merely asked at a party what she did? She didn't say her dh's work party, she didn't say she knew the woman in question was a "subordinate".

why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school

Because I didn't want to. Terribly simple reasoning

Why the face? A woman is kidding herself on if she thinks she’s indispensable.domestic tasks , childcare can be outsourced elsewhere. If a man is savvy enough to earn good salary he’ll be savvy enough to purchase dry cleaning,domestic tasks, child care.or get a new missus who’ll swear she’s reason he earns well

I am a sahm with the carreer in the front office (financial sector) behind. My total comp was well over 500,000£ in the last year of working for money.

I am working just as hard now, my children are “school-age” and we are home educating. We buy “domestic” as someone referred to it above, ironing, vacuuming etc, I presume. People who go out to work have child care to rely on, but what I provide for the family and is way superior to child care and what money cannot buy.

I would be happy to refer to my husband’s earning as “we earn”... why not if we both already parent, home educate and do many other things together anyway.

AlittleMoreEducation what on earth do you mean. There was no deliberate catching out of anyone. There was a straightforward "My name is, how nice to meet you. I wasn't the one who turned away when I thought the person I was speaking to was of no use or interest to me.

Some of you lot could twist a poker.

Because the answer to how most of the fathers did it is almost always "he had a wife

It’s really not. In fact it’s something they very rarely to never say. The wife is often just seen as another dependent who does the chores and childcare. I work in a male dominated environment, with many successful high earning men, and to a man they’d say lots of different things “got lucky” “ right place right time” “ hard work and sheer bloody determination” , never do they say “it’s because I have a wife”,

Ex-H remains adamant that he couldn't have achieved in his career without me. He still acknowledges this and in return pays more maintenance than he would be required to and offers additional recompense for childhood expenses.

There is no we in salary if you don’t earn it.fancy semantics and it’s our money doesn’t cut it I’m afraid

Am amazed by some of the posts on here!

I'm about to become a stay at home Mum as childcare costs and working as a healthcare professional aren't financially viable and my working hours just don't fit in with our family life. Practical reasons aside, I am so grateful that we can just about afford for me to stay at home. I don't think its the easy option at all and am apprehensive about becoming just 'mummy' and not having my independent work persona. On choosing to have children however, I decided to put them first and I believe that its best for them if one parent (in our case me) is there for them as much as possible, providing a stable base at home. At least while they are little. Its our job to care for them after all!

There's no judgement from me for people who don't have the luxury of staying at home with their children or for those who would rather work full-time and use childcare.

Personally, if I manage to raise happy, confident, kind children who contribute in some positive way to society then I'll feel like I have achieved something amazing!

How little we value ourselves and other women.

Ex-H remains adamant that he couldn't have achieved in his career without me. He still acknowledges this and in return pays more maintenance than he would be required to and offers additional recompense for childhood expenses

Acknowledges it to whom? And what type of additional maintenance, spousal or child? Paying extra for his children because he can afford it is a sign of a good dad, not becauxe he appreciates his ex wife. If he’s paying you additional spousal maintenance over and above the legs, agreement, then you have a good point. If he’s just paying more for his kids than rhe min, then the two are unrelated.

My aunt was a divorce lawyer & sd of the stories she used to tell me... Money does strange things to people , perhaps subconsciously that's why I want to try & remain independent (we don't have joint accounts which I know is crazy in MN land).