to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Splendidisolation - I would describe myself as a feminist. My decision to be a SAHM and focus on bringing up my 4 children has been the most life-affirming thing I have ever done.

What I don't understand is why any woman would care about the choices other women make. We all just do what we think is best for our family, in the particular circumstances we happen to find ourselves in.

@Mummyoflittledragon
Well it's certainly great to hear that non-working wealthy men's wives are helping contribute to the house price crisis, so well done you!

NataliaOsipova

Gosh - you're an inspiration to us all. What do you do, pray tell us?... Are you out in the killing fields of Sierra Leone, helping the wounded?

The civil war in Sierra Leone ended in 2002. Keep up. If you are going to be snarky at least get your facts straight.

As to the OP's original post (I see the thread has moved on to general SAHM v Working v life choices debate), the reason SOME (emphasis some) SAHM claim their husband's achievements/income as their own is because SOME feel insecure and conflicted about their life choices. It's a way of trying to justify their own decisions and make themselves feel better about something they have doubts about.

As this thread shows, WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT AND HAVE DIFFERENT FEELINGS SHOCK NEWS! Plenty of SAHMs enjoy it, are happy with their choices and feel personally satisfied and wouldn't feel the need to claim their husband's work achievements as their own or as part of their own identity.

The post up thread about the woman introducing herself at a party as "My name's Tracey and my husband's a consultant." is a case in point.

It is also a bit sad to claim that the SAHP (male or female) contributed to the working partner's career success simply by virtue of being a SAHP. They didn't. They may have made a happier family possible. They may have made it emotionally easier for the working partner to deal with working long hours and having a family. But the working partner's work achievements are theirs and theirs alone. Was the SAHP in the operating theatre honing their craft? Was the SAHP the person gaining the promotion through clever business deals and strategy? Was the SAHP performing well day after day in the office? Nope.

sketchily, great post

I haven't read the thread. Because I disagree with your opening premise. I don't think anyone on here has ever boasted about their DH's achievements

Plenty of single, childless people aren't high earners. Therefore, having someone at home taking care of the children really isn't enough to help anyone achieve high earner status. Otherwise, everyone with no children would be high earners.

Well done to the sahms who have high earner husband's but don't pretend it was you being a sahm is the reason for that. Still, congratulations on bagging a rich husband!

What about women who don’t have ‘careers’, that have jobs? Do you look down on them too? Is it ok to be a nanny or childminder and look after other people’s children but not your own? Blimey do you really sit around congratulating yourself at how successful you are. You must be insufferable at parties!

I agree OP, it's very weird and wrong.

My DH does his job all by himself and likewise I do. Why on earth would be take the credit for each other's job?

Its very common though in women that don't work nowadays as rather than admit they don't work they make out that their adult husbands job is joint and he couldn't possibly work without a wife

It's also discouraging to see how many still look for a man who will keep them rather than have their own career.

I always think this is odd because being a nanny is considered a good job but being a SAHP to your own children isn’t? Surely it’s the same really?
Personally I had a lot of reasons for being a SAHM.

• I was horrendously depressed before I had my DD and I hated my job. Now I’m on maternity leave I feel so much happier and love my life. My DP earns enough for me to stay at home so I do, I’m probably going to quit my job before maternity leave ends.
• we don’t have a car so getting my DD to nursery / a childminder would be extremely hard and expensive.
• I recently received a diagnosis which means I might not live for that much longer and I’d rather spend that time with my DD AND be happy !

Also, I treat my DP’s successes as my own because they are. He was caring for his brother (receiving carers allowance) and had few job prospects. Obviously this is fine but he wasn’t happy doing so. I wrote his CV for him and put it on all the sites and he got headhunted and now earns a lot of money doing what he does. If I wasn’t here encouraging him I don’t think he’d be as good at his job. He used to not eat and drink a lot so didn’t progress very far in jobs before me. So I do think I’ve helped him get to where he is

sketch I do congratulate myself on my success. Why not? It's hard to be a successful woman.

I've honed my talents and grafted and ignored sexism and tried to support other women in my industry.

DH has been hugely supportive. And he's proud but my achievements are not his. He has plenty of his own.

If I wasn’t here encouraging him I don’t think he’d be as good at his job

If my partner said that about me I would find it both offensive and patronising. This is obvious rubbish.

Encouraging and supporting someone is one thing. It DOES NOT MAKE THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS YOUR OWN.

Stop undermining your partner's achievement's and claiming them as partly your own to make yourself feel better about your life choices. You don't need to do this.

talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement

I wouldn't talk proudly about my own income anyway — that would be gross.

Also what is it with all these useless men who can only hold down a job if someone else is dealing with real life for them?

srft and I did make a comment re how society largely still accepts women not working & SAH whereas judge men for it. In no way was that to slate STAH parents though.

Although I've meant plenty of women who have told me what their husbands did before I asked!

Tbf to the 'I facilitate his career' argument - I know I do, by virtue of being able to be around for the dc most of the time, facilitate my dh's (neither particularly high- nor low-earning, professional vocation-type) career, because it means he can put the hours in and be around in crises and generally develop his reputation as a safe and reliable pair of hands. But that's along with being very conscientious, courageous and just good at what he does. If he had a bad attitude or were rubbish at his job I don't think the hours would make a difference.

I think there are certain jobs where work dominates life to such an extent that the people doing these jobs would find it difficult to function to any extent (or at least to function in any way bearably) without extensive domestic support. But that support (usually done by a SAH wife) doesn't enable the worker (usually a man) to do his job, it enables him to do his job alongside having, at least nominally, the emotional trappings of a functioning family. Whether it's a desirable model at all is, I think, extremely debatable.

It is a weird one. Maybe it makes people feel less out of the loop?
I couldn't fathom the thought of being a SAHM and expecting my DP to pay for everything. If I want something, I work for it. The whole 'my partner earns enough so I don't think I'll go back to work' thing sickens me, and if I was a man, I sure as hell wouldn't want a sponger like that. I want my relationship to be equal. I'm not a kept woman...we've moved on from those days!

NeverKnowing I'm so sorry about your recent diagnosis. Your post was very moving and I think you have definitely contributed to your partner's career and should be bloody proud of yourself for turning him around both health and work wise.

Sadly, I think some women, although they made the choice and it was the right choice to be a stay at home mum, feel that in some way it diminishes them, so they claim their husbands achievements as their own and argument that the husband wouldn’t have been so successful if it wasn’t for them, as such his achievement is hers.

My personal view is being happy, raising happy kids, doing what works for you is an achievement,

Men on the other hand will agree, sure it’s teamwork, when it gets them out of doing the laundry and the childcare. None of them really express rhis view when talking to colleagues or mates when the wife’s not there, it’s always the women banging on to folks about how th husbands achievement is down to them. Like bringing up the kids just isnt enough.

It's occurred to me that WOHMs improve opportunities for women including SAHMs wanting to return to work, and their daughters and granddaughters ...by convincing employers that women can be of equal value to men in the workplace because we don't vanish when we start our families

Sounds good in theory? In practice, I've seen the opposite happen. It was a one mother who returned to work post children who completely obliterated any chance anyone else - male or female - had of part time working in the City firm I worked for. Why? Because she came back to work and basically wasn't prepared to do the hours or the job she'd signed up for. Because she had childcare issues. Didn't want to employ a nanny. Wanted to work at home two days a week (with the child at home) even though it wasn't remotely workable in the context of her job. You get the picture.

In my experience, employers don't care if you "disappear"; people leave and go to other jobs, or they leave and don't. It's people who expect to get paid to do a job but not to have to do that job which causes a problem. You're a WOHM and your DH is at home with the kids? Nobody worries about it. You're a WOHM and you sort an excellent nanny and your DH deals with the odd family crisis as well? Nobody worries about it. You're a working parent and you're constantly asking for time off for x, y and z and leaving at 4 on the sly because there's traffic on the way to nursery pickup? It's a problem because your employer doesn't care about your family circumstances.

Lovely post wrenika I'm sure you feel really really good about yourself now. I'm sure if you go out you can find a small kitten to kick too.

Yes, it’s ridiculous to think I am a better feminist and role model (never mind socially acceptable to Mumsnet!) to my DDs when I was earning £4.70 at my local pre-school with a 15 min break in 6 hours, missing assemblies and sports days, than now I am in one of my recurrent stages of being a SAHM, volunteering at my local primary and food bank...

yoyoyoyoy

Of course s/he doesn't care. S/he's a 'journalist' or a provocateur

This whole thread kicked off because someone by worked up by people stating their husbands' income on the "How much do you earn thread".

Obviously I could have just come on and say, "I am 42 and I earn nothing". But that would sound ridiculous because clearly, I am not earning for a reason. That reason is because our household income means that the the value of me being at home is greater than the value of any money I would contribute in the overall scheme of our family finances.

That is not a claim that I am part of part DH's success. It's a simple statement of fact.

My DH could have achieved what he has as a single man for sure. But he could not have achieved it AND had 4 children and the kind of home life we have. That is the difference.

Slightly different angle - I earn vastly more than my husband and I’ve done it all myself whilst also being a SAHM for 1.5 years with my first child before I got another job - he never thinks of his success in terms of my success, usually he thinks he’s a failure because he doesn’t earn like I do - dunnily enough though my mum always used to write Mrs ok my cards rather than my title Dr, which doesn’t bother me either way to be honest, but she’d always say sorry I don’t put Dr but I don’t want Mr Flumpy to feel bad ...... i said honestly he doesn’t but I’m really not fussed but would you do the same for my brother and his wife (he’s a doctor and she isn’t) ..... nope is the answer because that’s different

I'm not technically a sahm as I do work, a whole 8 hrs a week.

I also have two voluntary jobs that 'contribute' and I'm studying.

I think the question is why do you assume sahms aren't contributing or achieving? In fact I know a lot of sahms who have used the time to progress their studies and thus careers. Lots of sahm also do voluntary stiff that contributes and has a ositive impact on the local community. Or does it not count because they give their time for free instead of being paid?