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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

999 replies

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 21/10/2017 10:24

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

OP posts:
whoopwhoop21 · 21/10/2017 20:34

Jacques It was more directed to the ones who had long breaks 10 years + or never returned to work.

Motherbear26 · 21/10/2017 20:35

Woth mums are not neglectful parents who palm their dc’s off onto any old random and sahm are not mindless airheads with no ambition. People make choices based on their own personal circumstances. It’s not a competition.

And fwiw, as a sahm, I’m proud of dh’s success but I wouldn’t take credit for it. I’d never tell anyone what he does without being asked. As for what he earns, I’d never discuss that full stop.

NataliaOsipova · 21/10/2017 20:35

Perhaps if they had jobs they’d have better things to do?

The irony....Smile

sunandmoonshine · 21/10/2017 20:36

@G5000

Ah, so it is possible to work and spend time with your children? But only if you're a man?

WTF? No-one has said that working mothers can't have a decent relationship with their kids. Stop making shit up! And stop derailing the effing thread!!! Hmm

The whole point of this stupid fucking thread is that the OP is saying that SAHMs are lazy, stupid, boring under-achievers with no life.

Which is absolutely not true.

She has also gone from saying that SAHMs must feel like they are wasting their life and she feels sorry for them, to saying they are lazy and thick and boring.

Took a while, but her true colours came out in this vile thread.

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 21/10/2017 20:36

I don’t think you need to be a high earner to be achieved in life. You don’t have to be earning a lot to make a difference with a career.
I'm still waiting for the OP to enlighten me as to how I can "be achieved in life". Or should I throw my self off a cliff now since I'm neither a SAHM nor do I have a career and am therefore invisible? Like 99% of the mother's I know..

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 21/10/2017 20:37

mother

I agree

Dh is obviously a hard working with a talent

But its nowt to do with me (he would say otherwise but he is lying)

sunandmoonshine · 21/10/2017 20:39

SAHMs don't think working mothers are poor parents either, who 'palm their kids off on a nanny.' Any comments that have resembled this on here are in retaliation to the OP's horrible comments about SAHM's. The worst I have heard is 'you have a go at US, but you think having kids and palming them off on a nanny is better?'

As I said, that is just in retaliation and would not have been said otherwise. And I bet the vast majority of SAHMs don't think it!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 21/10/2017 20:40

whoop

I think that's probably me...

But it does depend on the definition of work

So a honestly lovely friend of mines definition is 'anyone who works less than me isnt really working'...so according to her i dont work because i dont do anywhere near the hours she does

But i am employed outside of the home Smile

Waytoogo · 21/10/2017 20:40

why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school

Because I want to raise my own child.

Atenco · 21/10/2017 20:42

Turning out well rounded adjusted kids is pretty important for society long term

I don't think there is any guarantee that anyone's children will turn out well rounded and adjusted, but that is not the point. At least giving them a happy childhood as much as possible is a worthwhile goal in itself.

BakedBeans47 · 21/10/2017 20:43

Because I want to raise my own child.

Working outside of the home is not inconsistent with raising your own children.

whoopwhoop21 · 21/10/2017 20:43

rufus Would you be happy if roles were reversed?

Dontknowwherethelineis · 21/10/2017 20:43

I got made redundant shortly before giving birth to one of our dc and I was initially upset as hadn't planned on being a sahp for longer than the maternity leave. I knew that due to type of work I did and our location, another well-paid job locally was going to be difficult to find.

As the first year I'd designated as 'mat leave' progressed I went from being upset at the prosoect to seeing the benefits and due to my personal situation began to find being a sahp preferable to getting another job. Now my husband wants me to find a job and I am resisting. Our money is shared and I have savings so I don't feel like I am in a vulnerable position at all.

In terms of your comment re. 'achieving more' that shows what you prioritise in your lifestyle balance. If that is career and income then great for you. Currently, mine is about how settled my children are and in my personal situation that would lessen if I were to go back to my career right now.

Everyone's situation is different but that is how mine stands at the minute. Why would me going back to a career in these circumstances and therefore leading to a negative impact on my children be classed as an 'achievement' by you?

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/10/2017 20:44

I'm a single parent to a two year old and work full time and I still manage to cook and clean and do household admin and do different things at the weekend with my son. I'm not even that tired.

Where's my medal?

Original poster
Curiositykilledthecat113 · 21/10/2017 20:46

Actually, sunandmoonshine, someone did say that. I feel sorry for your kids if you think parenting them is so unimportant that you might just as well hire someone in to do it.

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 21/10/2017 20:46

Teaches

You definitely win the thread

NotAgainYoda · 21/10/2017 20:46

Oooh, s/he's back! Goodee

ALittleMoreEducation · 21/10/2017 20:49

It's appalling but this thread is comedy gold.

@curiositykilledthrcat seriously? Why even have children of you don't want to raise them yourself?

Jesus! Is that where we are at? So a single mother who can't "raise her children" in the sense meant here because she has to work to pay for their clothes/food/roof over their head shouldn't have had them?

There are plenty of answers to that question all of which are perfectly valid:

  • because I have no interest or ability or training in childcare and generally recognise outsourcing to an expert usually gets a better service.
  • because I want to propagate my genes.
  • because I want someone to look after me when I am old
  • because I dislike young children but enjoy adult company.

blah fucking blah

Summary of this thread: If you don't agree with the poster of the moment you should be burnt at the stake for having the temerity to [delete as applicable] be happy working/be happy child raising/be unhappy working/be unhappy child raising/ be unhappy living off your husbands income/be thrilled to not work and live off your husband's income.

It's totally vered off the main point which is claiming another's achievments as you own is deeply pathetic and smacks of insecurity.

MrsGB2225 · 21/10/2017 20:49

I love being a SAHM, so no need to feel sorry for me. My life is awesome! Some people would like to work and some people would like to stay at home. If everyone is happy why does it concern anyone else?! I think that people that need to insult other peoples life choices can't truely be happy in their own. These threads just sound a bit bitter!

I would never class my husbands income as my own, but I am proud of what he's achieved. Isnt everyone proud of their loved ones achievements?

whoopwhoop21 · 21/10/2017 20:49

Dontknowwherethelineis

Can I ask why does your husband want you go back? Also would you be happy if it was the other way round & you wanted him to return to work?

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 21/10/2017 20:49

whoop

Sorry i will cut and paste as this is a fast moving thread and you may have missed my first post

So i said i agreed with jaques ifit had worked for us of course I would have been happy for ex to be a SAHD

And

I think where it gets difficult is societal pressure And it would need to be a strong partnership for that. Of which i am sure there are many

woollychimp · 21/10/2017 20:51

OP, I've never read one of those threads and thought that there was someone taking their DH's achievements as their own.

People start those threads because they are being nosy .
People read those threads also because they are being nosy . Both of which is ok.

But reading the thread and then complaining because of what you've read is a bit stupid IMO. If you were truly confident with your own lot you wouldn't be bothered by other people's lots.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 21/10/2017 20:51

alittlemore

Yeah i agree

Its completely off track, im not sure its salvageable

ALittleMoreEducation · 21/10/2017 20:52

TeachesOfPeaches Sat 21-Oct-17 20:44:04

I'm a single parent to a two year old and work full time and I still manage to cook and clean and do household admin and do different things at the weekend with my son. I'm not even that tired.

Where's my medal?

Apparently, according to a large number of posters here, it is not possible to do this without a wife who is a SAHM who claims 1/2 credit for your achievements. So well done to your wife. Really well done. How could you have otherwise done it?

This was the point I was making. You deserve a medal for being in a minority talking sense on this thread.

NataliaOsipova · 21/10/2017 20:55

In no universe does a barrister on £100k give a flying fuck about an obvious piss take response on a Mumsnet thread. And in no universe would someone who's paid £100k to argue cases whether they believe them or not be unable to "understand" why some women choose to be SAHMs.

All the barristers I have ever known one in the Biblical sense if I were to reminisce have impeccable written English.