to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Make it stop, fellow, theft
I wouldn't take any notice of the 'sympathy'.
They don't pity you they envy you, if it wasn't jealousy why would they judge your choices. It's a right sour and jealous bunch on here if you ask me, full of spite because some women get to spend more time with their dc. Good for you stuff the rest.
I'd love to sah. I work just less than full time so my career has take a hit. But ds is so worth it. Those extra few hours with him are worth it. Not that there's anything wrong with being full time either.
It's just the judging. Uuuh can't stand it.

I don't pity SAHPs ( provided they're happy) but I'm certainly not envious.

Why would I be? I got to raise beautiful, happy, healthy children and have a successful career. So did DH. It's all good ( except they've buggered off to university now - sob ).

YANBU

I think it's odd when women talk about their husbands careers as if it is their own achievement. These men would still be earning with or without the wife in most cases.

Nothing wrong at all with being a SAHM and it's hard work, valuable etc but being a SAHM with 2 kids where the DH earns £15k year is probably actually harder in most cases than being a SAHM with the same 2 kids but the DH earns £150k a year

It seems to me there is a significant element on MN who are very bitter about the fact that some women have the choice to be SAHMs. It's the same thing every time -

Don't you have any self-respect?

Have you thought about the example you are setting to your daughters /sons?

Wait till he leaves you - you will be destitute with no career!

It's not the 1950s!

Just get "childcare"

No it's not your money!

Stop claiming any part of his success is down to you

You are disgrace to feminism!

All utter bollocks the lot of it. Being a SAHM is a perfectly valid life choice for those who can afford it. Women who are SAHMs know the value of what they do, but if they try and explain that, cue the cries of, "Are you saying I don't parent my children because I go to work." SAHMs know they are on a privileged position, so they don't like to rub it in.

Why the hell, some people on here have the arrogance to call for women to justify their lifestyles is beyond me. Why on earth would you care?

I stayed at home to raise our children while DH finished his degree and built up his business. When he was up and running I went to Uni. Both of us have successful careers. I could have stayed at home but chose not to as I wanted a career for myself. In DH's field I often meet SAHM's who claim to be the "backbone" of their DH and their success. I tend to ignore them at social functions as I find them boring tbh.

Well done Jolly. Do you suppose they care?

I don't pity SAHPs and neither am I envious.

I do think the justification for opting out of working is ridiculous at times though with all the comments like he can't work without me, gains promotion without me, the kids need a parent home etc. At least just be honest and say you don't want to work..

I do think SAHMs damage equality and set children up to believe in the ridiculous notion that women don't work and just need to find a man with a big enough wallet to keep them.

Whether a SAHM, WOHM or whatever your experience or viewpoint, I do wish people would stop referring to nannies or childminders ‘raising kids.’ They don’t. Parents raise kids.

Dh and I outsourced some elements of day to day care of our children. The actual role of raising them (which is far more than the sum of the parts of wiping bums, cooking meals and playing hide and seek) was down to dh and me.

I also think the talk of jealousy is way off the mark - surely the most important thing is raising children into happy, well adjusted adults. That can be done whether you have a career or not- it’s not dependent on whether you’re a SAHP or not. If it were that simple, all the children of WOHP would be unhappy and not achieving their potential and all children with non working parents would be happy and successful. Or vice versa! Of course, life isn’t that simple- there are many more factors involved

so Jolly, you were a sahm when dh built up his business and did his degree but nowadays you avoid them at parties because they’re boring?

I think it just shows a lack of awareness that other people’s choices are as valid as your own. It’s very blinkered.

I work. Dh works. Ds goes to nursery. That works for us.

Another couple might have two high earning jobs and a nanny. That’s not what I want but it works for them.

Another couple might have one working and one sahp. That works for them.

There’s no need to pity or feel sorry for anyone if they are free choices. I do what works for me, you do what works for you.

I’m not self centred enough to think that my choices are the only way. They just work for me.

There’s also a big point that no ones choice is truly free. If you’ve got two kids and one of you is in a low wage job, then maybe being a sahm makes financial sense. If you’ve got one crazy high earning jet setting job then maybe it makes sense too. People work with what they have.

To say you pity SAHMs is unpleasant- it means you think your choices are superior to theirs. And really, they’re not.

all these references to men with big wallets and the supposed high living wealth dripping decadence of the sahp lifestyle doesn’t half reek of envy to me

So Jolly, you were a sahm when dh built up his business and did his degree but nowadays you avoid them at parties because they’re boring

The difference was I didn't tell all and sundry I was "tha backbone" of my DH or profess to be "the making of him". I also never bored the knickers off anyone with endless tales of little Percy and his latest achievement at school/nursery. I could easily communicate with people on an adult level without boring them. The SAHM's I come across are boring.

Out of interest - what about people who are employed to look after children. Where do they fall on your lazy/worthless scale. If anyone can raise a child, but people only have worth if they work full time - is a full time Nanny acceptable in your eyes?

Not everyone wants to busy and stressed and "achieving". I'm perfectly content with my average sized house, my George at Asda wardrobe, working 2 days per week, enjoying my life with my family. To be honest, I see it as a major achievement that my husband and children and I are all happy and healthy and have time to pursue our intrests, because we aren't all working 60 hours a week.

Success is not all about money.

papayasareyum

‘all these references to men with big wallets and the supposed high living wealth dripping decadence of the sahp lifestyle doesn’t half reek of envy to me’

Seriously? I can’t imagine a more vacuous existence frankly.

I don't think I've ever met Anyone who talks about their husbands achievements as if they are their own.
Having said that I only know one SAHM, everyone else I know either works full or part time around their dc so they have their own career or work achievements I guess.
I am proud of Dh but I don't consider his achievements mine- I have my own

*my DH could not have gone abroad with a day's notice, worked away during the week, and at times, worked till after midnight if I wasn't a SAHM

That’s the thing though, he could have. He didn’t need to because you were doing it, but he absolutely could have, he could have had a live in nanny or au pair, for example*

Presumably NEITHER parent wanted a live in nanny or au pair or their kids spending lots of time in childcare, hence why they decided TOGETHER, to have a sahp in the first place. So if HE still wanted those 'ideals' that HE also chose, HE would have to make sacrifices in his own job/work/career to meet them. So no, he may not have been as successful when he said sorry boss but I can't fly off to x tomorrow because my wife has a 12 hour night shift and WE don't want to leave the kids with a nanny overnight. Most families have ideas on how they want to raise their kids, of course either parent COULD manage without the other being a sahp, or without them around at all, but they won't necessarily be able to raise their kids in the way they'd hoped and would have to make some sort of sacrifice whether it's to their career or their home/family life.

I doubt many people lie in their deathbed wishing they'd worked more hours but I bet a hell of a lot wished they'd spent more time with loved ones.

"I could easily communicate with people on an adult level without boring them".

You really are a special one Jolly.

But if it’s true that you really were a sahm jolly at one point in your life, you’d know that not all sahms are boring just as not all wohps are full of wit and insight

* At least just be honest and say you don't want to work..*

Or those people who have the luxury of choice and would rather spend all their time with their children rather than preferring the external validation of WOHP?

Or those people who don’t have the luxury of choice and for whom it is not financially viable to work because childcare costs too much?

Or even, for those who don’t have the luxury of choice because their household requires their income as well as their DP’s to stay afloat, even taking into consideration childcare costs?

I read a statistic a few years ago that to have two children in full time childcare and break even, the additional worker needs to be earning at least £41,000pa. I suspect that it’s more now, and given the average wage in this country is in the high twenties, I believe, there are going to be a lot of people who don’t have the choices you presume.

And in some cases a wohps career might not be effected at all by not having a sahp, but I bet their home life would be. I bet life is a hell of a lot easier when at the w/e they can relax and enjoy their family and kids rather than having to do a bunch of housework and meal prepping and diy. Not everyone can afford to outsource everything, even with both
parents working. Quality of life is far more important than money to some.

I see a lot of posts on this thread being a reflection of the Protestant work ethic rather than about feminism.

Success = earning lots of money.

What about quality of life fore everyone involved. My dm worked because she hated and was hopeless at housework, though she was good with children. I studied and worked part-time for a similar reason. But I have the greatest respect for anyone who is good at housework and good with children.

But what is the point of all this work, work, work and comparing yourself to some goddess who manages to have a successful career and bring up perfect children. These people exist, but so to people like Usain Bolt exist, I don't feel the need to compete with them.

lol babbity, if someone made a similar comment about a wohp, eg. “I couldn’t think of anything worse than handing my baby to a stranger for 10 hours a day” there would be an uproar.
When you were working, did your childminder/parents/nanny/aupair know that you thought their days work was “vacuous” and you couldn’t think of anything worse? If it’s so vacuous and you can’t think of anything worse, why be a parent at all really? If it’s so shit being with them? If sahms and therefore anyone who does the sahm role in her place, such as all the caregivers I named above, are living a vacuous existence, why bother dipping your toes in the water in the first place?

The SAHM's I come across are boring

Maybe you're just not interesting enough to warrant them making the effort to converse at anything other than a basic level

I can see both sides of the story.

My boss' career success is undoubtedly in part because his wife runs their domestic life. He can work as late as he fancies, travel at a whim, etc with a 1 hr 15 commute. She does a good job raising their reception/primary aged children - she gave up her job as a lawyer to do that. His career success is a family success.

My MIL also gave up her career as a computer programmer (remember this was in the 1970s!!!!) to follow my FIL on his various foreign postings and subsequent C-level career. Again, they were a partnership and she did a brilliant job raising two high achieving children. It must have been tough on her at times, as there was a 5 year stint during high school where he was working a 1 hr 15 min flight away during the week. She has filled her life campaigning on various community & political causes and my FIL has supported her, and continues to do so in his retirement.

When we have children, we will both work. My husband pushes me in his career as he does in his own. Hopefully, our children allow us to take the dual career, nanny care route.