to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Bluntness - I don't see anyone saying it's solely down to them. I'm a working mum, but I work in a way that enables my husband to focus on work and take advantage of opportunities that come his way. His achievements are entirely his own, but the alternative to me is incredibly expensive (not all careers are mega bucks) and I'm not sure it exists at all. (short notice out of hours childcare, 7 days a week for undefined periods of time up to 3 months at each pop?) He wanted children a lot, he loves his job a lot. He'd find it very hard to do that particular job and have his children as well cared for without me in the background. He's a great guy, I'm sure he'd be successful at all sorts of things if I were to die, but the job he's in? No. He'd, like many a single mum has to do, move his career to something with less travel, more regular hours, closer to home that works with the available childcare. His achievements aren't mine I agree, but he loves being a dad and having that particular career and I still maintain I make 'having it all' (at a price he can afford ) possible.

That's the real problem.

Work that is traditionally female isnt valued.

It's not surprising that girls who are going off to uni rarely have a baby because they have exciting things ahead that they would rather do. If your working life started at 16 with limited prospects then you can see why girls had babies earlier.

It's not surprising then that women have babies and don't maintain a job when it's not more exciting or promising than being with their child. Sometimes being at home is a better option.

Secondly because I want my son to grow up secure, happy and knowing his parents have time for him. That's not a negative thing. Also.. yes, without me doing this, DH wouldn't be able to work the amount of hours he does and earn as much.

Isn't this more like one parent always having time for him, but the other one always having to put work first? DH and I both work so we have this situation but it isn't always the same one of us in the same role - sometimes it's me working and DH doing childcare, sometimes vice versa.

I’m just trying to imagine Melania Trump gazing lovingly at old Donald and saying “he’s the president because of me, his success is mine, I was home for the kids, it’s our joint achievement, without me, he’d just be another jumped up tv star,”.

jigsaw
Very true.

SAHM after a length legal career.

I don't need your pity. I need more support, better more streamlined systems for accessing that support and a fairer, kinder society for my ASD child. Maybe if we had this I could get to fulfilling myself rather doing battle with the authorities and providing what the state can't/won't.

And fwiw I have never bragged about my DH's earnings, my career was less well remunerated but a lot more worthy than his and he tends to brag about me, not the other way around.

Stick your pity somewhere dark.

Work that is traditionally female isnt valued

And that’s the whole point of the thread,, it’s not valued by the very women doing it, hence why they need to boost it up and claim their husbands earnings or career achievements as theirs. If they themselves don’t value it or feel they can say I raised the kids and feel it’s enough, then no one else will.

Women are bolstering their achievements as a stay at home parent as they themselves don’t place a high enough value on what they do.

This thread is really awful.
If you are a sahm and that has allowed your dh to focus on his career and you have done the bulk of childcare and housework and are raising a family where the children are most importantly happy then so what! Why can't you be proud? It is true that for many men, they wouldn't be able to do the extras to enable them to climb the career ladder if their wife didn't take on responsibilities in the home. Staying at home can be boring as I found on maternity leave so why cant a sahm take pride in what the family unit has achieved together. It's not like it's easy being at home all day. But many women want this as they believe it's best and they are prepared to sacrifice their career. So what!
You work to live not live to work and if this arrangement suits some people then good for them. It wouldn't be the lifestyle choice for me but I wouldn't sneer at someone else's decisions and someone else's pride in their husband and family.
This is like a sahm witch hunt

And when I did give an example of when I introduced me as me the SAHM rather than DH's wife I got slated for it. You can't do right for doing wrong on some of these threads.

I had the same reaction to that thread. I'd bet not even half the "DHs" mentioned on that thread really consider their salary to be both theirs and their wife's, and nor would they willingly give her half of it if they split up.

**Women are bolstering their achievements as a stay at home parent as they themselves don’t place a high enough value on what they do.

Society is constantly telling them that it isn't enough to be Just a sahm.

When my fourth child started at school, I did genuinely think about returning to work, though admittedly it was because I felt as if it was something I "should" do, rather than what I actually wanted. DH said straight off, "please don't feel you need to do that" and he said I don't need to prove anything to anyone. He said it would just put the family under unnecessary strain and I do think that would be the case.

Agreed autumnfalling and butterymuffin

I think it is kinder to yourself to believe you are doing your best and you are part of a shared enterprise rather than feeling that you are no good so that's why you are at home.

Don't we all celebrate when we get a gold in the olympics? Isn't it just part of that feel good factor?
Yet the medals only were won by the athletes themselves.

And that’s the whole point of the thread,, it’s not valued by the very women doing it, hence why they need to boost it up and claim their husbands earnings or career achievements as theirs. If they themselves don’t value it or feel they can say I raised the kids and feel it’s enough, then no one else will Bluntness100 and to take that excellent point a step further, perhaps the sahm feel they can't proclaim the sense of value for fear of offending wohm who may see it as an attack on them? So you get stalemate.

Headofthehive55 I don't feel that I, in any way, contributed to a British athlete winning a gold medal.

I want my son to grow up secure, happy and knowing his parents have time for him.

But in this scenario he knows only his mother has time for him. Why isn't the father being castigated for having a busy career outside the home?

Bluntness i meant paid employment more likely to be taken by women is paid less which means women are more likely to step out of the work place than men to be sah parents.
Whether that's post men, drivers, factory workers they all tend to be better paid than carers in nursing homes, childcarers, shop assistants.

Work becomes lower value by virtue of the fact that it comes more naturally to women.

We need to fix that.

When a driver is paid the same per hour as a waitress then i'll say ok each family unit member's decision is their business but atm economics force women to be the one who steps back.

Most people don’t earn enough to hire a nanny. When my children were little, we certainly couldn’t, so we made a choice with what we had. A choice that requires no sympathy from random MNers on the internet.

And shock horror! I’m still a feminist and a good example to my children and am raising all our kids, including DD, to have responsibility for their own direction and be independent. As is DH.

Mum didn't work since she got married.

Dad ran his own business and mum looked after all the kids, cats, dogs, grandparents etc. She was also his sounding board for business matters, advisor about clients and host when he had events or his charming wife at functions. She actually put her foot up his bum to set up the business in the first place and told him to 'go for it'.

They were a really good team.

Sounds a lot like my parents, and dh's, Fekko and possibly why I emulated them. I didn't want to be away long hours from the dc, I got what I wanted, to spend a lot of time around them. I really don't deserve sympathy op.

I’m not a sahm. I work, have a career blah blah and I earn what dh does.

But your statement that you feel sorry for sahms I find odd. Why do you?

Mum was also the one who was the debt collector (i.e. She would march over to their house and tell them off if they didn't pay their fees).