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Original poster

to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

999 replies

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 21/10/2017 10:24

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 21/10/2017 15:00

They're saying, well done me for getting a successful man to marry me

Bullshit. That might be what YOU would say in the same circumstance but please don't ascribe sentiments to others.

I will be - with the support of my ex that I couldn't have done without - become just as successful in my field as he is in his.

It's not all his achievement. Not all mine. But it's a contributing factor for sure.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 21/10/2017 15:01

Taking credit for a salary you didn’t earn is somewhat deluded.there is no we in what someone earns

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2017 15:02

They're saying, well done me for getting a successful man to marry me

I don’t think they are, I think they are saying he is only successful because of me, his success is not his it is mine, and I deserve the credit for it.

Jaques ,,yes a little, sorry, Grin

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 15:04

Of course it's smug. Being a supportive wife is nowhere near enough to make a man successful. Or do you believe that all the men out there who are unemployed or on minimum wage have shit wives?

Autumnfalling · 21/10/2017 15:05

Re the point about widowed men and children without mothers. Clearly the DC are with their fathers full time.

That’s a rare thing after a divorce especially if the mother was previously a SAHM. In that situation dad now has a lot less responsibilities and a lot more free time on his hands. Likelihood is that if he has to go away short notice or work late it doesn’t matter to him, DC aren’t there. And very unlikely he would still be handing over his salary to his ex. Who now finds herself living on child maintencse and tax credits. Or she gets a job but whoops....she’s been a SAHM for x years and needs a school hour job. How many of these threads do we see on her every week?

It is just not acceptable to raise our daughters to think this is the right option.

Where are all the men who want to be at home with their DC during their childhood. Amazing how it’s always the woman who feels that way.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2017 15:05

@Bluntness100 god no, he deeaves his success because he's talented. Did I make it easier and quicker - absolutely.

But then I also think exactly the same in reverse. The success in my current business will definitely have foundations in his support of me. I don't need to own it fully and it would be dishonest to do so.

RibenaMonsoon · 21/10/2017 15:06

By husband and I had the same career in different branches of the same company before we had DS. I'm a SAHM by choice. Firstly because we can afford to be on one wage. Secondly because I want my son to grow up secure, happy and knowing his parents have time for him. That's not a negative thing. Also.. yes, without me doing this, DH wouldn't be able to work the amount of hours he does and earn as much. I love cooking therefore I do most of it. It's a partnership.

Your post is extremely patronising. Not all family circumstances are the same.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 21/10/2017 15:06

I would not really class myself as successful however I would not have achieved what I have without my supportive husband

Chocolaterainbows · 21/10/2017 15:06

Nobody has to justify their life choices to anybody else. Women are supposed to be supportive of each other, yet here we all are tearing shreds off one another. Brilliant. Most men don't view us as equals and clearly other women don't either, and we wonder why things aren't improving Angry

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2017 15:07

@formerbabe so it can't be a contributing factor...?

Because it's interesting that both me and ex-H both ascribe attributes of our successes to the other. It's fair and accurate. He wouldn't be as far along in his career without me, I wouldn't be without him. So yeah, we could have managed without: but who wants to manage when you can achieve quicker!

dietcokeandwine · 21/10/2017 15:07

I'm a SAHP with a high earning DH, gave up the professional career etc, the kind of person who some on this thread would despise.

I did go back after DC1 and attempted to juggle my job working part time but soon realised that it wasn't doable. Mine was the kind of full on job that involved 12 hour days, even leaving at 7 at night you'd feel as if you were barely coping. Having to leave at 5 to get to the childminder in time for pick up just made the situation untenable. And yes, I could have extended the childcare and done those long days 5 days a week. But for us that wouldn't have been the right decision as a family.

I do lots of voluntary work instead, stuff for the DC's schools, church, scout group, local charities. Stuff that engages my brain professionally, stuff I enjoy, stuff that is, I would hope, 'contributing to society'. I just don't get paid for any of it.

I don't in any way see DH's professional achievements as mine. And I do agree with those who say all the pressure is on him to be the earner (though he genuinely doesn't seem bothered by this), and I do accept that not working puts me in a more vulnerable position financially (though we have taken steps to ensure I am fairly financially secure in my own right).

But I don't agree that I'm a useless waste of professional talent and of no use to society.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2017 15:08

Where are all the men who want to be at home with their DC during their childhood. Amazing how it’s always the woman who feels that way

We talked about it at great length but it simply came down to ex already being in his "dream" field whereas I was marking time in a job not a career; it was a great job but not the long term plan.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/10/2017 15:09

This is an awful thread if any of the more smug posts are to be believed at all. Shock.

I find it endlessly sad when anybody (husband, wife, mother, whatever) is feeling so lacking themselves that they have to boast and bask in reflected glory from somebody else's achievements to get anybody to pay attention to them. It's just dishonest; but mostly just very sad.

Bluntness100 · 21/10/2017 15:10

Did I make it easier and quicker - absolutely

I agree with this yes, but this is not the same as his success being yours, no more than it is rhe live in nannies or the boarding schools success when there is no stay at home parent.

Si1verst0rm · 21/10/2017 15:10

Nobody on here has said that their husbands' success is mainly due to their support as a wife. They are just saying that it is one of the factors in it. That's it.

Headofthehive55 · 21/10/2017 15:14

falling
Lots of women never had a decent job to start with. I imagine it is easier to maintain a career if you had one to begin with, or at least the promise of one.
But trying to maintain a job (that perhaps you don't like, isn't going anywhere, and earns little) whilst you bring up children is hard.

I don't blame women for giving up work.

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2017 15:14

I find it endlessly sad when anybody (husband, wife, mother, whatever) is feeling so lacking themselves that they have to boast and bask in reflected glory from somebody else's achievements to get anybody to pay attention to them

What a bizarre and sweeping statement

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 15:15

I feel like it's a convenient way to justify your lifestyle to others, who you feel are judging you.

Fwiw, I'm a sahm.

Autumnfalling · 21/10/2017 15:15

I don’t despise SAHMs. I worry for them and friends in that position.

The only SAHM I’ve ever not liked was a woman who constantly bitched about other women’s clothes/homes/cars and did nothing but bang on about her shopping purchases. I had to bite my tongue not to remind her that at least they had earnt the money to buy their shit clothes instead of knowing hubby would pay their credit card bill each month!

JacquesHammer · 21/10/2017 15:17

I feel like it's a convenient way to justify your lifestyle to others, who you feel are judging you

Suspect that's the difference. I never felt I had to justify anything to anyone. I gave up work because I wanted to. The resulting impact it had on ex-H's career was a bonus

Ahardmanisgoodtofind · 21/10/2017 15:18

One of the best ways of contributing to society is to bring your children up to be good, functioning members of that society. Children will only view their mother as a downtrodden drudge if they see her treated like one at home. But that is a relationship problem, not a 'not being in full time employment' problem.
^this with bells on

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/10/2017 15:18

Jaques, it's not sweeping. If it doesn't apply to you then why does it bother you? It's something that I see time and again and it's got nothing to do with SAHM/WOHM, it's general.

Jigsisaw · 21/10/2017 15:18

The obsession with working is so middle class.

If you know that you are ok financially with or without a partner then I don't think a determination to work in order not to be judged by those who do is a good idea.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/10/2017 15:19

Society in general doesn't respect women. It is very male dominated. Men are seen as the successful ones and that women get on with the stuff behind the scenes allowing the men to carry on doing the important things.

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 15:19

Suspect that's the difference. I never felt I had to justify anything to anyone. I gave up work because I wanted to. The resulting impact it had on ex-H's career was a bonus

Not talking about you personally.

I don't work, my DC are school age. It has had no impact on my dhs career.