to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Animal - nothing at all. Like I said in my earlier post I am a working mum not quite full time.
But to prioritise work over family. I wouldn't do that. Commitments that would impact on my dc happiness I just wouldn't do it. If work was going to take priority over my dc I wouldn't have had him. I don't believe that most ft working parents prioritise their career over their children either.

In full disclosure, I haven't rtft. However, if all SAHP went out to high "achieving" roles/careers, would you then be saying "why aren't all those doing childcare trying to achieve more?" Or for that matter cleaners, janitors, waitresses, waiters, the lower end healthcare professionals, TA's, street cleaners, all the lower paid but completely necessary professions that aren't seen as "important". Not everyone can be high achievers, society doesn't work like that!

Of the SAHP I know half are men with very high achieving partners. Your argument also doesn't take into account any emotional/mental health issues that might occur from having given birth.

My talents don't lie in the medical field, they lie elsewhere. However in my field it's all or nothing to get ahead. All is never seeing my family, I've never wanted that and chose to remain good, employed but on MY terms that allow me to spend more time with my family. This also means I won't be a high achiever, I won't earn a great deal but I and the entire of my family are happy.

Also you don't take into account elderly or ill parents....

Curiosity I really don't want you feeling sorry for me, as a SAHM. It has been the best job I have ever had.

ALittleMoreEducation my DH could not have gone abroad with a day's notice, worked away during the week, and at times, worked till after midnight if I wasn't a SAHM. We do not have family nearby to pick up last minute for us. It would have meant us both being run ragged, and it just wasn't worth it monetarily. Four children in childcare would have taken more than I would have earned, so it was a no brainer.

I have contributed to society for all of those years, helping out in various volunteer jobs which I still do now, even though my DC have all left home. I could have gone back to work, but I enjoy my life, my DH is now considering early retirement himself too.

What really gets me about these threads is that anyone thinks that it's anyone's business what each individual family decides to do for themselves. Some people want to work but don't need to, others don't want to but have to, others feel they have to because of people like the PP who obviously look down on SAHM.

rare for a man to credit his current wife, never mind his ex wife, with his own success i have to say this isn't my experience but perhaps it's a generational thing, I work with men (almost exclusively) and those aged 60+ will always say they wouldn't be where they are now without their wives, and really do believe it.
I don't have a career, never have. I have a job (a shitty minimum wage job as pp said). I enjoy my job for the most part but if I didn't have to work I probably wouldn't, esp while my DC are young. I am home with my DC 7days a week and work evenings 3/4 nights a week.DH has a ft job he hates, definitely not a high earner.

I don’t think you need to be a high earner to be achieved in life. You don’t have to be earning a lot to make a difference with a career.
Please share what YOU see as being achieved in life then? To what standard should I be aspiring to OP?

ALittleMoreEducation you really have missed the point. Had she known I was her boss's wife, not the Boss's she'd not have turned her back on me. It wasn't a work function btw, it was a social occasion with friends and she was a guest as we were. She was at that time the girlfriend of the host's younger brother.

Bluntness we don't have all our eggs in one basket and no valuations can be up to date all the time. I am quite sure that a house we sold for 1.695 in 2015 would realise less than 1.4 or 1.5 now. Bearing in mind too what is going on in Catalonia, there is bound to be an impact on our home in France in addition to the Brexit impact. So, no, I don't think it's possible to put an exact figure on it unless assets are actually realised, and then there will be the tax bill. Notwithstanding pension funds, etc.

We don’t attend every School play,sport event due to work commitments.we both have demanding jobs and that’s the way it is. This doesn’t render me a bad parent,it means I’m busy. I’m contactable and respond to teachers promptly. My mum was a single parent minimum wage, she didn’t attend every school event either. I am now an unscathed adult

If you are the wife of a diplomat, for instance, like my friend, or any other trailing spouse, I think it's fair enough to say you have "lived" his career with him. Your life (and the kids) has taken a different turn than otherwise and presented certain challenges.

If you are the wife of a total workaholic - by this I mean someone who only switches off from work when they sleep - you can either put up with it or get out. If they are an entrepreneur like my DH, there is no such thing as a salary or any notion of how many hours they work a week - or how much is "too much". They do what it takes, often taking significant financial risks along the way, and you do feel that you have ridden the rollercoaster with them. It's a job to keep them sane along the way, quite frankly.

my DH could not have gone abroad with a day's notice, worked away during the week, and at times, worked till after midnight if I wasn't a SAHM

That’s the thing though, he could have. He didn’t need to because you were doing it, but he absolutely could have, he could have had a live in nanny or au pair, for example.

unless she’s standing listening, and when the new woman makes an appearance it’s rare as rocking horse shit that a man will publicly credit his ex for his success

He's an absolute smasher and again new wife doesn't make a difference except he now credits us both. He's a wonderful guy

What an aggravating thread! What strikes me is:
The impact of wohm / sahm on dcs seems not to have been discussed, other than the importance of being a good female role model. We were lucky enough to be able to afford for me to stay at home (couldn't have afforded for dh to) and we made that decision for our children. It made no sense for them to be looked after by someone else (less well than me) and using up my whole salary. My career took a hit but I viewed it as a sacrifice I had made for my dcs. I did feel vulnerable being out of the workplace. I went back full time when youngest started school! It nearly broke us! Dcs tired being looked after by childminder before/ after school (no wrap around at their school), had to give up dance lessons etc, less time together in the evenings. I feel sorry for dcs in wrap around care when it's not really necessary. Nightmare when chickenpox struck! DHs job is unpredictable/ long hours so he could never do pick up etc. Weekends just doing chores, negative impact on dh's performance at work. It didn't work! I reluctantly gave up, had two years off - v boring but great for everyone except me. Fortunately I have found a part time job now, foot is in the door just in case but I have time to give my dcs.

Some hilarious responses on this thread. Honestly, so many on here giving themselves credit. Of course, no men on minimum wage have supportive wives, because if they did, they'd all be working in the upper echelons of finance!

Bluntness no, he couldn't have. No nanny or au pair would have worked solidly for six weeks or more, which is what I had to do at that time.

What a load of nonsense. OP, you do realise that the vast majority of people go to work in order to earn money for themselves, not in order to 'contribute to society'? And that most people, if they won millions and millions on the lottery, would probably give up work? Lots of people (men and women) work in hard, stressful, menial or unfulfulfilling jobs which they would happily give up if they had the choice.

One of the best ways of contributing to society is to bring your children up to be good, functioning members of that society. Children will only view their mother as a downtrodden drudge if they see her treated like one at home. But that is a relationship problem, not a 'not being in full time employment' problem.

A nanny will work for years,and certainly beyond 6 week

That’s the thing though, he could have. He didn’t need to because you were doing it, but he absolutely could have, he could have had a live in nanny or au pair, for example.

I could (and have) live in a tent, I could live off beans and span, I could only own 1 pair of shoes, I could have an affair, I could save 50% of my earnings, I could do lots of things but I don’t Want to.

Also rurally it’s hard enough to find childcare until 6pm and for School pick ups let alone find someone at 2 hours notice to stay overnight!! We don’t all live in London and have £1000s of to spend on childcare ‘just in case’

You can get an au pair or live in nanny....but you also need the space to put them!

I don't see my DHs achievements as my own, at all. I have struggled not to be envious of his success, but have had to come to terms with the fact I wasn't good enough, lucky enough or whatever to do well in a career. I therefore concentrate on the good things that I can have - being happy with my lot Is an achievement in itself!

Bluntness - where are you finding these live in nannies and au pairs who are prepared to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week wih no notice?

Also agree with what someone said further upthread - it really all depends on family support too. We don't have any family closer than 90 minutes drive away, so there isn't an army of relatives who can step in if DH's work suddenly tells him he's off to Canada, or Belgium, or even an overnight in London.

You can't always say no when asked to stay late, or go away overnight, or entertain clients/customers. In many jobs flexibility is an essential requirement. Of course it's swings and roundabouts, DH's employer allows him to work from home on occasion to suit and if he needs to leave early for a planned parents' evening that's fine too. But his salary reflects the need for flexibility and he only has that flexibility because I work for myself part time and don't have another employer throwing spanners in the works.

Exactly Sitinonthefloor. Yet apparently the solution for us all is just to "get childcare". . Apparently nobody will notice the difference.

Some hilarious responses on this thread. Honestly, so many on here giving themselves credit

I dont find it funny, I find it really perturbing and sad. People are actually arguing about how their husbands success is solely down to them, ones even going on about how her wonderful but remarried ex constantly talks about how “it was all because of her” publicly.

I keep saying it, being happy, having a happy marriage, bringing up happy well adjusted kids is the achievement, not your friggen husbands career or pay packet.

My parents were both high earners, and we had a nanny growing up. It worked absolutely fine.

DH earns well, as did I, and we’ve made a choice for me to be a SAHP. We made this choice for everyone in our family - it was a solution which worked well for us at this time. Is it a perfect solution? Probably not, and certainly not for me. But it is the best of a lot of bad choices - full time childcare, allowing for longer days and a commute, would be 12 hours at least for a nanny. I’m financially independent anyway, so being a SAHP doesn’t impact in that manner. Plus it’s giving me the opportunity to explore other interests I have. I’m starting an MBA in April - which I certainly wouldn’t have time to do with a young family and a full time career.

But actually, it’s none of your fucking business. We made the decisions we’ve made for the good of our family. It has no impact on you, and although I skim read the last 3rd of the thread, I believe that we’re still waiting to hear what you’ve achieved by not SAH. Other than money, which isn’t actually an achievement.

Not easy to get an au pair if you live rurally either - and they need a car and a bedroom! A decent full time live in nanny earns about £30,000 - and wouldn't be cleaning, cooking or doing admin!

it’s just as well that some of the more embittered, vocal posters on here have outsourced their childcare. Their children need to learn empathy from somewhere.

ones even going on about how her wonderful but remarried ex constantly talks about how “it was all because of her” publicly

Nice and snipey. Well done

DH was a SAHD with our first. I am a relatively high earner, not millions but comfy 6 figures.

Was it convenient to have someone at home? Of course. Is the 'I can only earn this much because of him' true? Of course not. Would be way cheaper to employ a live-in nanny and housekeeper than to share half of my assets with DH. But he would also never list my salary when someone asks how much he earns.

It's not sad, it's smug.

These women aren't saying 'well done me for being so supportive'. They're saying, well done me for getting a successful man to marry me.