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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grabby friend

139 replies

Trueheart1 · 21/10/2017 07:49

I have a friend who always asks if she can have things when she comes to my house. I am quite spoilt by relatives and I am often given stacks of kids stuff and pampering things. When my friend is over and sees some new stuff, she will have a dig through and ask if she can keep the best things. I let her have some things but I feel really irritated by her behaviour and think she is being rude. She also looks through my cupboards and fridge and finds the nicest stuff and pulls it out and says we should have this stuff for lunch, it looks lovely. She was never like this before she had kids and I am aware that she is now not as well off as me. AIBU to not want her to come round anymore?

OP posts:
chanie44 · 22/10/2017 16:05

Grabby friend may not be hard up at all. She could be one of those people who just wants something for nothing.

HeyRoly · 22/10/2017 17:23

Blimey OP, she only does it because you let her! Just say no.

"Get out of my fucking kitchen cupboards"
"No, you can't help yourself to my fucking stuff"

Grin

Sure, it takes some nerve to behave like that in the first place, but you're clearly giving the impression that you're OK with it.

birdiebirdiewoofwoof · 22/10/2017 17:42

I do feel that if I pointed out that her behaviour was upsetting me it would mortify her and I prefer the option of always saying no until she stops.

It's nice that you want to let her save face. But she should be embarrassed. Send the awkwardness back to the person creating it. She's trampling boundaries and making you feel on edge in your own home, having to justify wanting to keep your own belongings. Even if she is in dire straits and needs a helping hand, she needs to tell you that and ask properly for specific help that you are able and happy to give. Not just breezily take mi casa es su casa to the limit and beyond.

As for the sisters thing, I'd be mightily fucked off if my sibling did this in my house!

Smudge100 · 22/10/2017 17:47

She is using you. Just because you’re better off doesn’t mean she is justified in stealing from you. I would dump her.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/10/2017 17:50

Perhaps leaving the new stuff in bags by the front door is not the way to go if you don't want her rooting through it? Confused. How long do you keep this stuff hanging around in bags or piles? Surely at some point it gets absorbed into drawers/cupboards and merges with your old stuff?
Just tell her to fucking stop.

sleeponeday · 22/10/2017 17:57

Put the things in the bottom of wardrobes/in cupboards when she is due to visit, and when she asks about food just say that you have it planned for another day. Over and over again.

If she's in such dire straits then why is she always after the nicest things? Basic pasta feeds people as well as caviare, and Primark clothes cover her kids just as well as Bonpoint. If she were genuinely struggling, wouldn't she ask for hand me downs, not seek to take your loveliest new things?

sleeponeday · 22/10/2017 17:59

Oh, but if there are outgrown things she can have, say so when she asks for the new ones. "No, I want those for the kids, but I have some hand me downs you can take, if you like?"

If she objects to that idea then she's the one being rude, not you.

TheEmmaDilemma · 22/10/2017 18:01

Fuck me. My best mate wouldn't even consider routing around my stuff unless I asked her to. 20+ years of friendship.

roseblossom75 · 22/10/2017 18:02

I thought you were talking about your daughter's friend at first.
Then relaised this is an adult??

AJPTaylor · 22/10/2017 18:08

just tell the cf that anything surplus to requirements goes to charity.

BloodSplatteredFangs · 22/10/2017 18:10

It doesn’t matter how much you are struggling financially, even assuming that is the issue, she is just being rude.

You need to consistently meet up with her out somewhere instead of at your house and if she does come over for any unannounced reason keep saying no time and time again and say her asking is embarrassing you so please can she stop now.

picklemepopcorn · 22/10/2017 18:14

Try saying 'why?' If you keep saying it she'll have to be pretty up front.

Can I have these, I just saw them?

Why?

Because I really like them.

Why?

Because my baby hasn’t got many clothes.

Why? Because I haven’t got any money.

Etc.

Original poster
Trueheart1 · 22/10/2017 18:16

She is a good friend (we were friends before we married and had kids) but I will take the advice and hide any new stuff and say no constantly to her requests. I do have a pile of things I have put aside for her but I think I will give it to someone else because I am giving her mixed messages. I also like the idea of telling her exactly what we are having for lunch so that she does not root around looking for the food she wants.

OP posts:
Davespecifico · 22/10/2017 18:18

Does she do this with other people? It's plain weird.

Funnyface1 · 22/10/2017 18:22

I wouldn't have her over to my house again. That is ridiculous behaviour. If you are determined to still have her over then being firm and saying no every single time is the only way forward, so she knows where she stands and there are no mixed messages.

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/10/2017 18:27

However hard up she is she can’t go taking clothes from your rooms, that’s nuts. The food thing I guess maybe she just feels super comfortable with you, if you’ve always been relaxed about that kind of thing before?

I’m guessing she’s asked for stuf before and you’ve said ‘oh sure’ - I think it’s easy to say yes the first few times to be a good host/polite etc and then get stuck in a trap of the behaviour being repeated.

wibblywobblywoo · 22/10/2017 18:29

As others have said OP no matter how hard up someone is it's no excuse for going through other peoples stuff and appropriating it for yourself/your kids/your lunch so whilst that may be the motive for what she's doing it's not an excuse.

But, you are enabling this behaviour - if you can't just sit her down and say (nicely) 'this is what you do and it has to stop' - and I can see how awkward that would be then stall her at every turn - don't leave bags of stuff out anywhere when she's due round - shove it all in a wardrobe and lock the door, if she pops to loo call up after a couple of minutes with a chatty remark and wait by the bottom of the stairs so she has to come straight out and downstairs, if she opens the fridge say something like "I'm trying to keep that closed as much as possible, much more efficient apparently" followed by a tinkly laugh and shepherding her out of the kitchen. And if she still finds stuff to appropriate then just say 'No, I'm afraid not, no.' And if all that sounds like far too much hard work then you either have to put up with what she does or meet elsewhere.

papersmile · 22/10/2017 18:33

Or you could talk to her?

You've been friends for 16 years but you would rather hide the 'stacks of stuff' that you've been given in case she sees it. Your behaviour is equally odd in my opinion.

She may be financially struggling, in which case a few of your cast offs would be very welcome. If she's not, then a conversation with her will make it clear that you find her behaviour inappropriate.

I have a friend who I love dearly who does look in the fridge for 'treats' when she visits and I have no problem either giving them to her, or saying no because we've planned to have them later. You're making this more complicated than it needs to be.

If she's in financial difficulty then I would hope you might share some of the generosity you have obviously been shown by the people who 'spoiling' you.

littlebird77 · 22/10/2017 18:41

You really don't need to have her over again. Just arrange to see her on sunny days at the park or for walks in the woods. Picnics.

I am really private and would hate that level of intrusion by anyone.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 22/10/2017 18:49

My friend used to help herself to my expensive shower/bath gel when she stayed over. She'd use a 1/4 of a bottle and the bathroom reeked of it. My fault I suppose for not putting it away! But she'd never go through the fridge looking for food.

elfies · 22/10/2017 19:00

Just tell her you're sorry , but no .........to everything .

Katherine2626 · 22/10/2017 19:00

Outrageous behaviour. Why are you letting her do this? She should accept what you are offering for lunch, and if you have any items of baby clothing or items that are spare, or you don't want, or you think she might especially like and you are willing to give them you should be offering them to her. It really is not her place to trawl through your cupboards and fridge and possessions and take what she wants. This is almost unbelievable - please sort her out quickly or slam the door when she turns up!

Shockers · 22/10/2017 20:16

Hire a hitman.

Abbylee · 22/10/2017 22:03

Had a c.f. like this, had.

manicmij · 22/10/2017 23:29

Wow, are you sure she is a friend? That is terrible behaviour. Tell her you are considering getting locks on everything, saying to slow down burglars. Hopefully will take the hint.

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