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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Grabby friend

139 replies

Trueheart1 · 21/10/2017 07:49

I have a friend who always asks if she can have things when she comes to my house. I am quite spoilt by relatives and I am often given stacks of kids stuff and pampering things. When my friend is over and sees some new stuff, she will have a dig through and ask if she can keep the best things. I let her have some things but I feel really irritated by her behaviour and think she is being rude. She also looks through my cupboards and fridge and finds the nicest stuff and pulls it out and says we should have this stuff for lunch, it looks lovely. She was never like this before she had kids and I am aware that she is now not as well off as me. AIBU to not want her to come round anymore?

OP posts:

Capricorn76 · 21/10/2017 11:48

She needs to take her arse back to work because she clearly can't afford to be a SAHM if she can't even afford to go to a playgroup and has to steal food and clothes from friends.

Original poster

Trueheart1 · 21/10/2017 12:25

Greyponcho that is exactly it, she does see me as a sister and seems to think we have no boundaries.
I do not think she would even steal from me.
Just a slight point. She goes through piles or bags of items that I have been given she does not go through my wardrobe or drawers. She does look through my kitchen cupboards and fridge.

OP posts:

DJBaggySmallpox · 21/10/2017 12:36

I think you need to tell her that she's taking liberties and its damaging your friendship.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/10/2017 13:19

I wouldn't dream of going through my sister's cupboards, or looking in her bedrooms. Your friend is incredibly disrespectful, grabby and rude.
You can sugar coat it, as much as you like, but you are making a rod for your own back, if you carry on allowing her behaviour.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 21/10/2017 14:04

I used to be given a lot of expensive designer stuff for my daughter. I would always pass some things onto a friend with a younger relative. As the children got older she got more grabby and started getting territorial about who I was giving stuff to.

We had a new dress on my daughter and the first thing my friend said was - we'll have that when you've done with it and started looking at the collar label whilst my daughter was wearing it. I can't remember exactly what I told her but I told her to stop.

I had some bags sorted for charity a bit later on and although I told her they were for charity she still went through them and took out a few items. I wouldn't mind so much but her relatives have cupboards stuffed full and really don't need anymore.

Inertia · 21/10/2017 14:16

Yes, of course she is being ridiculously cheeky, but you've rolled over and accepted it for so long that it's become established behaviour. You've got a few options, but all of them involve you actually being proactive about this.

You could tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and ask her to stop.

You could put stuff away in cupboards so that there are no bags to rummage through when she comes round.

You can have lunch ready, and tell her that you've got something prepared because the rummaging in the fridge was getting on your nerves.

You could meet elsewhere (her house maybe?)

You need to make change happen though.

RapunzelsRealMom · 21/10/2017 14:34

OP why not pop into hers one day and do the same? ‘Ooh that looks nice, can I have it?’ See what she says.

Maybe not, she might give you it and carry on as normal

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/10/2017 14:53

Re food - no that's for dinner/ lunch tomorrow we're having (what you planned to have with her).

No they are clothes I am putting away.

No I haven't got ant more mascaras.

No you can't.

No I won't.

No
No
No

RavenLG · 21/10/2017 14:56

I'd not invite her around anymore. I wouldn't dare just start rooting through friends houses. You've got yourself a CF right there!

Dobopdidoo1 · 21/10/2017 15:33

I have never met anyone like the kind of CFs you see on MN in real life!

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 21/10/2017 16:10

Dobopdidoo1

I think certain people attract them. I've met many CFs. I think it's a lack of boundaries that people you are close to or have known a long time tend to go crazy with. My friends go to the bathroom without asking, my close friends might use my deodorants or sanitary products without asking, CF's try out all my expensive makeup and open new stuff without asking.

There's only been a few CF that have taken it to excessive amounts though. There's probably only 4 CF that have really pushed it. I'd say most of them like my neighbours are low level CFs.

Cleanermaidcook · 21/10/2017 16:32

"Dfriend you need to stop constantly asking for my stuff, it's really spoiling our friendship and I don't want to lose you but if you keep it up I can see us not being friends snymore"

Greyponcho · 21/10/2017 20:06

Sounds like she’s made herself very much at home and what’s yours is fair game for her.
You’ll have to set boundaries and be firm to get her out of this rummaging habit. Taking stuff out of the spare room is still rummaging when she had no need to be there.
If “no” gets boring, maybe try “I’m using that”, “that was a gift to me”, “I have other plans for that”, “it has already been promised to someone else”, “it’s not mine to give”, “I hope you’ve not mixed everything up - I’m trying to get a system going to keep things organised”, “gosh, I’ve got no chance hiding your Christmas present from you at this rate”, “I’m using that (ingredient) for something else”, “I’ll let you know when I’ve finished with it”, “could you leave that alone please?”, “I’m running low on that and need it for my family”, “would you mind not doing that please, it’s feeling a little intrusive”.
“stop being so fecking cheeky”

Be firm and say no to everything for a while, see how the friendship weathers. Nothing to stop you from offering her things if you want to or saying yes once in a while if she asks first, but if she starts rummaging again just say “I thought we weren’t doing that anymore?”.

Allthewaves · 21/10/2017 20:19

she's more front than blackpool pleasure beach. Do you thinks she's ebaying the stuff?

Sashkin · 21/10/2017 20:24

Next time she does it, after you’ve said no to her, rifle through her handbag and ask if you can have her phone, keys, packet of tissues, etc. Do it with a totally straight face. See if she takes the hint and apologises.

nameusername · 21/10/2017 21:14

Just out of curiousity, does Grabby sells the clothes that she 'pinched' or coerced out of you or does she pass it on? You got to practise to start saying NO. Would you like this pattern of behaviour to pass on to your child? Grabby child doing it to your child?

Original poster

Trueheart1 · 21/10/2017 23:40

I have discussed this with DH tonight and he thinks she may be struggling financially far more than we realise. He mentioned an event a few weekends ago when she asked if she could take the leftover lunch home for her DH. Maybe I need to ask her if she is in worse dire straights than I thought.

She does not sell the clothes, I see her DCs wearing them.

OP posts:

Greyponcho · 22/10/2017 12:06

would that fit in with why she doesn’t invite you to hers?

Nikephorus · 22/10/2017 13:08

But even if you're struggling financially you don't wander into someone rooms and help yourself. Nor do you go through their fridge and decide you fancy something different for lunch. Don't make excuses for her. She's a CF (and you're a doormat who'd rather come up with an excuse than say no).

KimchiLaLa · 22/10/2017 13:19

My MIL is like this but not to that extent. But she will see something she likes in the fridge and then say "oh we should have pasta with (that really expensive cheese/those hard to find mushrooms" for lunch. She will hint heavily and never directly ask and that's what gets to me - so she'll see something on the counter, pretend she hasn't and then say "oh I was thinking of xxx the other day..". I.E. waiting for me to offer. At first I used to say "oh sure why don't you take that?" And now I don't. I find it so annoying.

She comes round every single day and there is something like this. She has the time and money to go out and buy the item herself but she's always been stingy and lazy and just won't.

nameusername · 22/10/2017 15:33

He mentioned an event a few weekends ago when she asked if she could take the leftover lunch home for her DH. Maybe I need to ask her if she is in worse dire straights than I thought. Not necessarily. I often asks the hosts for leftovers if they were delicious and mainly because I hate to let good food go to waste. I know some people who don't do leftovers and just chuck food out. In some weddings, the hosts even asks guests if they want leftovers to take home.

She's still grabby though so it's best to close all doors and put away clothes when she's around. If she's enough of a friend, she should ask and not help herself to things that takes her fancy. If she still magically comes up with clothes, than you know she's crossed the line somewhere. My own sisters wouldn't dare do such a thing.

You definitely should invite yourself round to hers though .

Ttbb · 22/10/2017 15:34

WTF-who does that?!

expatinscotland · 22/10/2017 15:37

I'm so glad you no longer let her take the piss, Kimchi.

silverbell64 · 22/10/2017 15:37

We have someone like that at work . I just smile and tell her to sod off and get her own.

Is this really a "friend" or someone you knock around with because you both have kids?

Yawningalldaylong · 22/10/2017 15:51

Could you highlight that those items were given to you as gifts, and therefore it would be rude of you to give them away.

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