Grabby friend

[Trueheart1]

I have a friend who always asks if she can have things when she comes to my house. I am quite spoilt by relatives and I am often given stacks of kids stuff and pampering things. When my friend is over and sees some new stuff, she will have a dig through and ask if she can keep the best things. I let her have some things but I feel really irritated by her behaviour and think she is being rude. She also looks through my cupboards and fridge and finds the nicest stuff and pulls it out and says we should have this stuff for lunch, it looks lovely. She was never like this before she had kids and I am aware that she is now not as well off as me. AIBU to not want her to come round anymore?

Who takes toys and clothes away from someone else's children?

Put the new things in your bedroom.

On a side note when I read that you were gifted lots of things often I automatically thought you were a youtuber with a po box. Still really cheeky and rude though!

I wouldn't be polite either!
I'd say oi fuck off you cheeky bastard

If you still want this friendship, when she next asks you need to say "if I decide I don't want anything, you will be the first to know so there is no need to ask - if however you ask, the answer will be "no" ... in your OP you are willing to bin her anyway, so what have you lost if she sees her arse? As regards the food, whatever she chooses, even if that's what you were having, change it and keep doing this until it clicks. If she walks into a room with things, say "please can you take them back where you found them, they're not spare and I don't like you going through my things" - keep at it and good luck

Can you imagine yourself saying to her to stop going through your stuff? You've got to have rehearsed it in your head before you do it.

Can’t you just kindly say ‘no don’t be silly’ and laugh every time.

Also when texting to arrange meeting up jokingly add ‘no going through my stuff ok. I don’t go through yous’

Or ‘I’ll let you know when I’m getting rid of things but I’m not at the monent’

And repeat 100x

Don't have her back to your, meet outside or at hers. Sounds very hard work trying to referee her in yiur house, like a preschool child.

She said she had seen them in the spare room on her way back from the loo.

How dare she go wandering into rooms upstairs - especially bedrooms! Of course she didn't just see them - she went in. Keep all the doors closed from now on and next time she roots through a cupboard or drawer or opens a door, just eyeball her and say calmly. "Will you please stop going through my things - it's really rude and shows a lack of boundaries. Nobody else does this but you and I wouldn't dream of doing it to you." If she does it again, say "I did ask you not to do that" and don't invite her back.

She sounds like an utter nut bar.

Id drop that friendship immediately

She has been a great friend for 16 years. We have always been close and helped each other out, it is only since she has become a SAHM (I am also a SAHM) that she had become so grabby. I do not want to throw our friendship away but I think the advice is right that I will need to be more consistent in saying no.

She went in the spare room. That is really rude. You’ve obviously been giving her messages she can.... Simply by not saying no. Rehearse and be clear and strong.

Sounds like if you said no she'd take it anyway by stealth, because she feels somehow entitled to it!
So I'd stop having her in my house. If she suggests your place and asks why not, tell her you don't like her going through your cupboards and helping herself to your things.
If that ends this "friendship" then

I'm shocked that someone would actually do this. My advice would be what others have said, if you want to hang on to the friendship. And I'd personally be putting new/good stuff out of the way or behind a locked door temporarily until she cools her jets.

Can you lock the internal doors?

You see her as a friend but I don't think it's reciprocated. Your free entertainment & presents.

She might not even keep this stuff, it could be going on eBay/Facebook.

Cross posted.
Well if you really value this friendship then you must be honest with her and bloody well tell her that her grabby behaviour is getting on your wick and she must pack it in.

Are you actually talking about a six year old? Sounds like my neighbour's youngest, not an adult!

Just say no.
If you really need an excuse, say that the family members have been asking where things are, so you have decided to keep everything this give you.

The sad thing is that I never minded giving her stuff and I was glad to spread the good fortune, however her behaviour has made it feel expected and now I don't want to give her anything. I do feel that if I pointed out that her behaviour was upsetting me it would mortify her and I prefer the option of always saying no until she stops.

Housework is a pain - I like that idea, she really could not argue with that excuse.

So rude! I'd be annoyed if my 3 year old did this. She's capable of understanding that other people's things are not there for the taking.

Make sure all bedroom doors are shut when she comes over so she'd have to properly snoop to find stuff and then you can pull her up on it without feeling as awkward. I'd just say "sorry no, I've not sorted through the stuff yet to decide what do to with it, I'll let you know if there's anything I don't want"

My first thought is, are you sure she’s not just stealing taking the stuff anyway? If you’re not prepared to tell her it upsets you, then I agree that you need to be consistently saying No. I would also suggest you sometimes go for lunch to her house.

' I do feel that if I pointed out that her behaviour was upsetting me it would mortify her '

No, it wouldn't. And she's relying on this belief of yours to continue taking the piss. It doesn't matter how long you've known her, she's ripping the piss and she knows it. I mean, who the hell does this? We're quite poor/low income. I have friends who are very much the opposite. I've been invited to stay in their homes. I would never in a million years think it was acceptable to rummage round in their personal belongings, much less demand to take them. Because 99% of people know this is unacceptable. Duh.

'I prefer the option of always saying no until she stops.'

And then she'll probably go and steal it.

You need to give your head a wobble.

Start suggesting meeting elsewhere or at hers and you'll bring lunch.

If she demands to go to yours, you text back, 'Actually, I'm very uneasy with your rummaging round in my belongings and asking to take things.'

She's taking the piss and she knows it, just as she also knows you'll put up with it.

If she genuinely has been a good friend for 16 years and this has only started happening since she stopped working then I'd be worried.

Maybe next time she roots through your stuff say "No, I need that. Are you OK? You've been different since you stopped working. You never used to go through my things. What's going on?"

If you’ve been friends so long, does she see you ‘like a sister’ and think it’s okay to ask for hand me downs in the way that sisters would if they were school age ?