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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still go to this wedding

147 replies

PeachPit · 20/10/2017 19:09

I separated from DD’s dad a few months ago, but we’ve been getting on well all things considered. Spent DD’s birthday together and we’ve had trips out together with her. It’s still a little awkward at times but I’d say we’re getting on ok as friends.

Before we seperated we were jointly invited to his cousins wedding. He’s not particularly close to his cousin, but I know the bride to be quite well. Our DD is a flower girl and despite us seperating I’ve been the one to speak to the bride regarding DD’s outfit/hair etc.
I presumed, I’d still be attending and that we’d just have to sort out the hotel room, we obviously have a joint room booked.

Having spoken to him today, he’s obviously presumed I wouldn’t be going. And when I said I would be he wasn’t too happy about that, at all.
His argument being it’s his family and would be awkward for him and basically I’m no longer invited to his family events as he’s not to mine.
Mine is, the brides expecting me and I’m friends with her. Our DD is a flower girl for the first time and I don’t want to miss it and his family love me and want me there (I’ve spoken to his mum who’s expecting that I’d still go).

He’s sent me a message after he left that’s basically said, if I do go he won’t. I don’t actually believe that though and really don’t get why he’s so bothered by me going.

So AIBU to still go?
I don’t think I am, but would appreciate a neutral point of view.

Apologies for the length, just wanted to try include everything that might be relevant, so as not to drip feed.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeachPit · 21/10/2017 19:07

45 minuets late Aderyn He apparently forgot he was bringing her back early

I don’t see why it would make everyone feel awkward Seti the majority of the people there won’t even know we were together or are now split up.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 21/10/2017 23:29

So are you going? Please Say yes!

UnicornSparkles1 · 21/10/2017 23:44

Go to your friend's wedding. He's just sulking/playing games/being an idiot.

CommanderDaisy · 22/10/2017 00:12

Honestly, I think it's completely up to the bride.
She wants you to be there, you are doing a lot to help etc.
The only person with an issue is your ex, and in this circumstance, it's actually not about him in any way, nor should his issues be messing up what has been already arranged. You aren't a "plus one" for this wedding - you have a legitimate connection in your own right independent of him.
Go.
Definitely, go.

Original poster

PeachPit · 22/10/2017 10:34

Yes I’m going timeisnotaline I mentioned to the bride that he’d said if I went he wouldn’t and she said ‘fair enough, he won’t be missed’. The table we’re both originally on as a mix of people we both know anyway, so she’s keeping me and DD on there and will move him I suggested the kids table might be appropriate for him.

I think that’s exactly what he’s doing UnicornSparkles I just don’t know why. He’s supposed to be having DD the whole weekend next week as I’m away on the hen do and now he can’t.
I could be so petty back if I wanted to, but it’s just not in my nature.

OP posts:

cremedelashite · 22/10/2017 14:33

I wouldn’t go. I know it’s rotten but if he can’t handle it then don’t go.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/10/2017 14:37

It's his cousin, not a sibling. You're friends with her and she wants you there, I'd go.

Aderyn17 · 22/10/2017 15:14

Hmm. You are going to have to do something about his using your child as an attempt to get at you. I am presuming that next weekend was his agreed contact time? Maybe a stifly worded solicitor's letter along the lines of regular and reliable contact being in your shared child's best interests. He isn't doing you a favour - he is fulfilling his parental obligations.

Sadly it seems that you are not going to have the kind of separation where you do each other favours wrt childcare swaps etc. He's made it awkward and hostile - I suspect there is another woman somewhere on the scene sticking her oar in.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/10/2017 15:26

It's up to the bride and groom. If they want you there then stbeh has to deal with it or not go

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/10/2017 15:47

That sounds a bit dodgy as well - he's now decided he can't have your DD while you're away on the hen weekend? Got to say, it sounds like there's something else going on, as pp has suggested, possibly a new GF in the offing.

Glad the bride has taken the stance she has - your ex can now make his own mind up whether or not he goes, and whether or not he looks like a petty twat.

Original poster

PeachPit · 22/10/2017 19:00

He’s still having DD for his agreed contact time Aderyn he was just going to have her a extra night for me.
But yes there’s definitely something going on with him he was absolutely fine on Thursday, talking about Halloween and asking if we could go pick a pumpkin with DD.
I’m pretty sure he’s trying to cause an argument between us and when I don’t bite he’s doing or saying something else.
Knowing him it means he’s either got something to tell me that I won’t like (or he thinks I won’t) or he’s annoyed with me for some reason and he knows he’s got no right to be.
My guess he’s seeing someone or he suspects I am.

Anyway I’ve been dress shopping today, so definitely going to the wedding. And planning on looking pretty gorgeous when I do.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2017 21:34

My guess he’s seeing someone or he suspects I am.

I'd say the former. But if he was planning on her attending, you'd think the Bride would have mentioned he had a +1. Oh, unless he was figuring on you bowing out and she could have your seat. Hmmmm.

Original poster

PeachPit · 22/10/2017 23:04

I really don’t think he’d take someone else to the wedding. He’s not one for mixing family and girlfriends anyway and he’s the one who’s really adamant that we shouldn’t be introducing people to dd. He maybe hoped he’d hook up with someone if his mum would take dd to her room, but even that’s unlikely. He’s pretty protective over dd.

I should just ask him what’s going on.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 23/10/2017 00:10

Don't ask him, that's just giving him more attention than he merits. He's clearly trying to rattle and unsettle you, so the absolute best thing to do is be calm and smiling and not very interested.

Did you bin him for being childish and selfish in the first place? The more he acts up over this wedding, the more you must feel reassured that you did the right thing in getting rid.

emmyrose2000 · 23/10/2017 01:54

I mentioned to the bride that he’d said if I went he wouldn’t and she said ‘fair enough, he won’t be missed’

I like this bride. She's not cowtowing to ex's childish tantrums, and am glad to see that by deciding to attend, that you aren't either.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2017 07:03

So glad you're going! have a great time (and this gives me a great excuse to use this new emoticon I've just found)

Original poster

PeachPit · 23/10/2017 18:33

She’s fab emmyrose she says she’ll move her very handsome, single brother into exDP’s seat! (She’s joking, but it’s lovely that she’s having a laugh about it).

He’s back to being my friend now though and suggesting we travel to the wedding together, so we don’t both have to drive. And for me not to worry about the room, me and dd can stay in it and he’ll sort something else.
I really want to reply, sorry I told bride you weren’t coming and she said I can take a plus one, so I’ve invited my friend now.
I’ve just ignored him instead and I’ve booked a room at a hotel nearby for me and Dd, as the wedding venue is fully booked. And no doubt he’ll mess about changing his mind about the room between now and then.

He’s just being a head fuck, isn’t he?

And yes it played a part Reanimated

OP posts:

CakesRUs · 23/10/2017 19:41

You could compromise by just going to the church to see your daughter being a flower girl, take a few photos then leave. You get to wish the bride well too.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2017 20:22

I know you're just trying to be kind to him but honestly, I think it's time for you to cut his kite strings loose. Sounds to me like he's not moving on as he should be.

No 'shared rides', no 'take my room', no 'family Xmas'. He needs to start living his own life and not hang on to the past. It's better for both of you that way.

(And his 'sort something else' would be him at the wedding saying "I couldn't find anything, guess I'll have to bunk with you and DD".)

ReanimatedSGB · 24/10/2017 00:37

@Peachpit: then calm, smiling indifference is definitely the best way to deal with him. Also, well done on sorting out your own accommodation because, yes, it's very likely he will pull some other stunt to try to spoil your enjoyment of the day.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 24/10/2017 08:32

Very good plan to make your own arrangements, keep it completely separate. After all, if you did arrange to go with him and then he pulled out at the last minute, you'd be a bit stuck, so far better to just keep your independence totally and then he can do what he likes and it will have zero effect on what you do.

Silly man.

Original poster

PeachPit · 24/10/2017 09:56

I’m not really trying to be kind to him AcrossthePond we just both said we wanted what was best for DD and neither of us want to miss out on things. It’s been working ok and we do get on generally, still chat and have a laugh together. Of course the missing out so far as benefited him and it’s got to work both ways.

But I agree maybe we need to define things a little more clearly and keep things a bit more seperate.

OP posts:

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