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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still go to this wedding

147 replies

PeachPit · 20/10/2017 19:09

I separated from DD’s dad a few months ago, but we’ve been getting on well all things considered. Spent DD’s birthday together and we’ve had trips out together with her. It’s still a little awkward at times but I’d say we’re getting on ok as friends.

Before we seperated we were jointly invited to his cousins wedding. He’s not particularly close to his cousin, but I know the bride to be quite well. Our DD is a flower girl and despite us seperating I’ve been the one to speak to the bride regarding DD’s outfit/hair etc.
I presumed, I’d still be attending and that we’d just have to sort out the hotel room, we obviously have a joint room booked.

Having spoken to him today, he’s obviously presumed I wouldn’t be going. And when I said I would be he wasn’t too happy about that, at all.
His argument being it’s his family and would be awkward for him and basically I’m no longer invited to his family events as he’s not to mine.
Mine is, the brides expecting me and I’m friends with her. Our DD is a flower girl for the first time and I don’t want to miss it and his family love me and want me there (I’ve spoken to his mum who’s expecting that I’d still go).

He’s sent me a message after he left that’s basically said, if I do go he won’t. I don’t actually believe that though and really don’t get why he’s so bothered by me going.

So AIBU to still go?
I don’t think I am, but would appreciate a neutral point of view.

Apologies for the length, just wanted to try include everything that might be relevant, so as not to drip feed.

OP posts:

Aderyn17 · 20/10/2017 19:38

I would go. It's not a standard family occasion, where you are there solely as his plus one. You are friends with the bride, your dd is flower girl.

Sod him! He is an ex and the beauty of that situation is that he doesn't get to hsve sn opinion about who you can be friends with and where you can go. Actually, he eouldn't have a right to an opinion regardless, but with him being an ex, he is easier to ignore.

SwimmingInLemonade · 20/10/2017 19:40

Definitely go! You're a person in your own right, not his appendage. You've been invited, you and your daughter are involved in the wedding party... if he doesn't like it it's his problem.

Butterymuffin · 20/10/2017 19:40

SinglePringle's suggestion is good. I can see both sides tbh and it will be awkward for you both to be there. Conversation at the table could be like those Four Weddings and a Funeral scenes.

HolyShet · 20/10/2017 19:41

Go, you're the bride's guest and you will be part of his family's life for a long time because of DD (and they seem cool with it).

I suspect he was planning to take someone with him. Are you ok with that?

Different tables might be sensible.

ArcheryAnnie · 20/10/2017 19:43

It's up to the bride and groom, not him.

I have been separated from my ex for more than a decade. I still go to many in-law family weddings, birthdays, etc, - and am told off when I don't! They want to see me as well as my DS, and it's caused no problems with my DS being at all confused about the situation - we don't go as a "family" with ex (because we are not) but we see him there and it's fine. Even in the early days, when my relationship with ex was still very bitter, it didn't spill over into a bad relationship with the inlaws, and now I get on with ex fine, it's got much easier.

I am glad it's turned out like this, and I think it's good for my DS.

HolyShet · 20/10/2017 19:44

Were you friends with the bride before/separate to knowing her as your DP's cousin's girlfriend?

HolyShet · 20/10/2017 19:45

Or do you only know her through his family?

Witsender · 20/10/2017 19:45

I don't think you should, if you ask the cousin of course she will say you should come but I don't think it would be appropriate.

Witsender · 20/10/2017 19:45

Or go for the ceremony and then leave.

greendale17 · 20/10/2017 19:48

YABU- I wouldn’t go. Don’t think I would want to show my face

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/10/2017 19:49

No sorry OP it's his family and in these awkward times that trumps

scrabbler3 · 20/10/2017 19:49

The bride may be disappointed but for your sake I think you should distance yourself a little from your ex ILs. Move on. It's possible to do this in a courteous and amicable way.

I don't think it's very dignified to be showing up at family events now, and it'll be harder for you when he meets someone if you're still feeling attached.

Your MiL means well but is doing you no favours. Do yourself a favour and stay away.

kali110 · 20/10/2017 19:50

I don't think id go, it's his cousins wedding. If it were me i wouldn't be able to go.

WitchesHatRim · 20/10/2017 19:54

It crossed my mind ilovegin but our DD would be there and staying in his room. We’ve both agreed on not introducing anyone else, so I’d be pretty pissed if he did.

It doesn't mean they would be staying with him.

You do have to be prepared that he could bring someone else.

Where are you staying?

WetPaint4 · 20/10/2017 19:56

If you've developed your own separate relationship with the bride, that's got nothing to do with him. When he has his own events, he can decide if you're invited or not. The fact that you have a child together means you will always be connected to his family, and it'll be better for your daughter if he can be grown about it.

Flimp · 20/10/2017 20:01

Boundaries.

You're making this messier than it needs to be. No need for the trips out together or attending his family dos. You're separating so start making your lives separate. They're not your family any more.

I agree with pp who said maybe this would be fine after some distance, but not right now. Give him some space and let go. It's confusing for you, for his family and for your daughter.

RB68 · 20/10/2017 20:07

They are her daughters family though and this is the thing. She is clearly a friend of the bride and she is still expected. Of Course she should go - Maybe get sat sep to ex but a table plan is changeable at this point or just ask permission to swap seats with someone from the bride and groom and go for it. I don't get this whole divorce him divorce the family crap - they are still your child's relatives

AnathemaPulsifer · 20/10/2017 20:08

They're not her family but the bride is her friend. Can't the bride decide who she wants at her wedding? MN traditionally considers that her call.

chipsandpeas · 20/10/2017 20:08

i was once at a wedding where the brides cousin and wife were at the same table as me and my friends, they were seperated and still went to the wedding seperately
the meal was a nightmare, the atmosphere was tense and it wasnt good for the rest of us luckily as soon as the meal finished we all moved, we felt sorry for the wife ( we went to school with the husband and he was a cock back then )

its his family - id go and get your dd ready then leave her with her dad

CoolCarrie · 20/10/2017 20:11

Go and see if you can swap tables. Your DD is part of the wedding party and you are quite right to want to see her and to see the bride and groom on their special day. He needs to grow up. If you don't go, you will regret it, especially as you have made a lot of effort.

WitchesHatRim · 20/10/2017 20:21

Can't the bride decide who she wants at her wedding?

Well unless she is marrying herself, there is a groom who should also get a say.

schoolgaterebel · 20/10/2017 20:28

I don’t think it’s your place, it’s his family you need to leave him to it. Maybe it’s a good chance to start letting go.

wannabestressfree · 20/10/2017 20:31

As painful as this is you need to step away. If I was seperated from someone I would be annoyed if my family were actively encouraging my ex to go. His mum can make sure she has everything she needs as part of the bridal party.
I know this sounds cold but it smacks of you refusing to except what’s happened. Sorry

SomethingNewToday · 20/10/2017 20:33

What are people not understanding?

She wasn't invited to a family so because she was the cousins wife. She was also invited in her own right as she is good friends with the bride.

If course you should go op.

Original poster

PeachPit · 20/10/2017 20:43

I’m really confused about what to do now. I think more people are saying I shouldn’t go though and I really didn’t think I was BU
I feel bad actually asking the bride and groom as it feels like putting them in the middle and I’d presume his cousin would choose him as he’s family. But the bride would me.

I was friends with the bride before I started seeing my ex and her his cousin. I actually played a hand in her meeting her husband to be, completely unknowingly. And she’d been seeing him over a year before we realised they were related.

It’s definitely nothing to do with my hanging on or wanting him back though. I’m absolutely fine if he’s with someone else (just not around DD).
Actually I thought I’d be doing him a favour as I would take DD to bed and he could stay drinking and wouldn’t have to worry about staying sober enough to look after her.

OP posts:

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