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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still go to this wedding

147 replies

PeachPit · 20/10/2017 19:09

I separated from DD’s dad a few months ago, but we’ve been getting on well all things considered. Spent DD’s birthday together and we’ve had trips out together with her. It’s still a little awkward at times but I’d say we’re getting on ok as friends.

Before we seperated we were jointly invited to his cousins wedding. He’s not particularly close to his cousin, but I know the bride to be quite well. Our DD is a flower girl and despite us seperating I’ve been the one to speak to the bride regarding DD’s outfit/hair etc.
I presumed, I’d still be attending and that we’d just have to sort out the hotel room, we obviously have a joint room booked.

Having spoken to him today, he’s obviously presumed I wouldn’t be going. And when I said I would be he wasn’t too happy about that, at all.
His argument being it’s his family and would be awkward for him and basically I’m no longer invited to his family events as he’s not to mine.
Mine is, the brides expecting me and I’m friends with her. Our DD is a flower girl for the first time and I don’t want to miss it and his family love me and want me there (I’ve spoken to his mum who’s expecting that I’d still go).

He’s sent me a message after he left that’s basically said, if I do go he won’t. I don’t actually believe that though and really don’t get why he’s so bothered by me going.

So AIBU to still go?
I don’t think I am, but would appreciate a neutral point of view.

Apologies for the length, just wanted to try include everything that might be relevant, so as not to drip feed.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachPit · 20/10/2017 20:53

His mum can make sure she has everything she needs as part of the bridal party.
Why would his mum be doing this wannabe if I’m not going, he will be the one getting his daughter ready.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 20/10/2017 20:55

OP - you're NOT being unreasonable!

You have a prior, longstanding friendship with the bride and she's invited you - sort out your own room and go!
Next thing you know he'll be 'expecting' you to drop the friendship simply because she's 'joined my family' Hmm

Why didn't he step up and sort out the flowergirl stuff for his dd if he's that bothered about you being involved?
Of course - he was happy for YOU to be doing all the running around/thinking/organizing.....he just expected to turn up on the day and take all the credit!

It's still early days, don't assume he will remain amicable re shared parenting as time goes on.
Has he started paying maintenance for his child yet?
Has he got allocated contact time with dd?

Ultimately, you have your own relationship with the bride - don't allow any man to come in between that!

ShiftyMcGifty · 20/10/2017 20:58

I think the bride expecting you and his family being nice to you is because they want to show you they're not taking sides.

If he asked you not to come, and you insist... you're going to force his family to take his side.

And, they will take his side. Of course they will.

But please don't let it come to that. His family are obviously doing their best to keep you feeling welcomed and included. That doesn't mean you should force them to chose you over their actual relative. Do not force your way into his family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/10/2017 20:59

I think if it's you or him going, it should be him.

didnthappeninmyday · 20/10/2017 21:10

I think you need to go as I’m guessing your dd is really young and young bridesmaids/flower girls often need their mum there to get them up the aisle and get them to pose in the photos.

I’d ask the bride to ensure you’re in a different table and then once the flower girl duties are complete you can leave as soon as you feel it’s getting awkward.

BlondeB83 · 20/10/2017 21:19

Take your DD to the ceremony and then leave.

Mittens1969 · 20/10/2017 21:21

I think you should go as you have a longstanding friendship with the bride. From what you’re saying, she’ll be disappointed if you don’t go. And your DD will need you to be there, I think.

londonrach · 20/10/2017 21:22

I wouldnt. Its his family. The bride would understand and i dont think for one moment people expect you to go. Be abit strange if you did.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/10/2017 21:30

I think you need to go as I’m guessing your dd is really young and young bridesmaids/flower girls often need their mum there to get them up the aisle and get them to pose in the photos.

A dad can dobthis perfectly well!

In the circumstances I would go to the ceremony and not the meal. If when you speak to the bride and explain this its obvious that she is really upset then ask her to seat you on a different table and explain to your ex that you have done this and why. She may be just being polite by still expecting you or she may really want you there. The bride and grooms wishes should be priority but as you say its hard to ask without putting them in the middle.

Garlicansapphire · 20/10/2017 21:36

I'd double check with the bride and tell her he's a bit uncomfortable about it. But in general terms though I wouldn't go - if he's not happy with it. It is his family and I think it would be uncomfortable for you, for him and the family.

In 9 years since divorcing I've been to one event with my XH's family and he came to my Mum's funeral. Neither big party-ish occasions.

SteampunkPrincess · 20/10/2017 21:38

i dont think you should go - its his family -gracefully step back, allow him to get her ready etc

IsThisTheRealYou · 20/10/2017 21:39

I wouldn't go in your situation. I think it would be extremely difficult for the bride or groom to un-invite you. I don't think you can ask them as it would put them in an awkward position.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 20/10/2017 21:47

YANBU.

My dad and step mum were in your position last year at my wedding. My dad (who I have a strained relationship with) told her she wasn't welcome. I told her in no uncertain terms she was more welcome than him, and I told him to wind his fucking neck in and get back in his box - it isn't his place to uninvite you.

Original poster
PeachPit · 20/10/2017 21:48

I really don’t want to cause problems between me and my ex or the bride and groom.
So I’ve text my ex...
Basically, if he feels uncomfortable with it I won’t go, but he needs to speak to his cousin and explain that and offer to pay any money that they may lose. I’ve also told him to tell them, I’m still more than happy to go and get DD ready on the day (although I’d love to think of my ex attempting to do DD’s hair, I think the poor bride would have a fit at the end result. Plus she’s asked if I’d help with the other bridesmaids too)

Although I know his family will be there, his mum siblings, grandparents, few aunts, uncles and cousins. There’s a lot of none members of his family too, all the brides for one and I know a fair few of them, lots of her friends whom I know, even one of my cousins will be there.
So yes I’d speak to his family and obviously they’re DD’s family and will want to see her, but there would have been plenty of non family members of his I could socialise with.

OP posts:
Garlicansapphire · 20/10/2017 21:52

Be graceful - don't make it difficult for anyone - least of all the bride and groom, its not about you. Much as I can imagine you'll be dying to see your DD dressed up. But you are not together any more.

How will there be any money lost?

Thymeout · 20/10/2017 21:54

I wouldn't go. It's far too soon. Ex doesn't want you there and you'll be putting everyone in an awkward position. It will also make it more difficult to have an amicable relationship with Ex if you go against his wishes and cause an upset. There won't be any more joint occasions 'as friends'.

Original poster
PeachPit · 20/10/2017 21:56

I’m not sure they will be Garlican but I was thinking if they’ve booked and paid per person that they might still have to pay despite one less person going. But I’m not sure that’s how it works or not.

I’m a bit gutted though, I love weddings and the ex hates them!!

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/10/2017 21:59

Was he planning to take someone else?

Linning · 20/10/2017 22:04

I would ask him wether he is okay with you just attending the ceremony to see DD and congratulate the bride on her big day due to your friendship with her but if it's likely to create conflicts then I would back off.

It's his family at the end of the day, and I can see why he doesn't really want to see his ex at family events. I definitely wouldn't want to see mine either and it definitely would make things awkward for me to see any of my exes sit and make small talk with my family at family events after we have broken up, no matter how well they or we get along.

It does look like you have a rather good relationship with him despite the breakup and I would work hard to keep it that way for the sake of your daughter. She needs the two of you to get along much more than you need to attend that wedding.

It's sad that you would miss out on your daughter being a flower girl but that's life. Your ex will be missing out on part of his daughter life when she is with you and you will have to do the same when she is with him.

If you can't attend I would at least ask people to take pictures and videos and send them to you so you can still see the event/your daughter without the additional drama that would come with you possibly attending.

Original poster
PeachPit · 20/10/2017 22:14

He says he’s definitely not taking anyone else MyBrilliant I asked when I sent the last message. I don’t think his family would be ok with him doing so though anyway and certainly don’t think the bride would.
He just said he’ll find it too difficult us being together but not.

Ironically he’s happy to spend Christmas with my family though!

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 20/10/2017 22:16

He's being a cock. The bride is your friend and wants you there. Tell him to grow the fuck up and stop trying to make everything about him.
Of course you should go.

Dishevelled09 · 20/10/2017 22:18

If the bride was your friend before and your ex isn't a close cousin I don't see why you shouldn't go? I'd ask to be placed on another table to your ex though. The bride has asked you being her friend, your ex because they are related.How many people are going, I'm asking this because if it's a big wedding then you being there shouldn't matter. If you hadn't been her friend before then yes I wouldn't go.Your daughter will want you there too yes her dad can look after her but I have a daughter and she was a flower girl, I wouldn't have wanted to miss that as it's unlikely to ever happen again.

lildottie · 20/10/2017 22:21

Sorry not rtft but Could you compromise and attend the ceremony so you get to see DD as a flower girl, congratulate your friend (the bride) but not be around for the mingling at reception after?

Butterymuffin · 20/10/2017 22:23

Is he still coming to Christmas with your family? That puts it in a different light for me. Now he sounds like he wants to be able to pick and choose what events can be shared for both of you on the sole basis of his preferences.

honeyroar · 20/10/2017 22:23

I think that it's great you and his family still get on well, but there are still times when you need to give each other space. It's lovely that the bride was kind enough to ask if you'd be ok sitting at the same table, but she obviously didn't think to ask him the same question!!

I would personally go and get your daughter ready, see them set off, go to the church, wish them well and then let them get on with the rest of the day. You're both going to have to learn to step apart now - if you're still both going to go to events as a couple why split up! I think it's the same for Xmas - split the day so he sees her in the morning or evening, but it's strange for him to spend the day at your parents with you.

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