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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still go to this wedding

147 replies

PeachPit · 20/10/2017 19:09

I separated from DD’s dad a few months ago, but we’ve been getting on well all things considered. Spent DD’s birthday together and we’ve had trips out together with her. It’s still a little awkward at times but I’d say we’re getting on ok as friends.

Before we seperated we were jointly invited to his cousins wedding. He’s not particularly close to his cousin, but I know the bride to be quite well. Our DD is a flower girl and despite us seperating I’ve been the one to speak to the bride regarding DD’s outfit/hair etc.
I presumed, I’d still be attending and that we’d just have to sort out the hotel room, we obviously have a joint room booked.

Having spoken to him today, he’s obviously presumed I wouldn’t be going. And when I said I would be he wasn’t too happy about that, at all.
His argument being it’s his family and would be awkward for him and basically I’m no longer invited to his family events as he’s not to mine.
Mine is, the brides expecting me and I’m friends with her. Our DD is a flower girl for the first time and I don’t want to miss it and his family love me and want me there (I’ve spoken to his mum who’s expecting that I’d still go).

He’s sent me a message after he left that’s basically said, if I do go he won’t. I don’t actually believe that though and really don’t get why he’s so bothered by me going.

So AIBU to still go?
I don’t think I am, but would appreciate a neutral point of view.

Apologies for the length, just wanted to try include everything that might be relevant, so as not to drip feed.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 21/10/2017 09:47

He's being an idiot. I think you should speak to your friend and go - although it sounds as though she's fine with it anyway.

And your ex can fuck off with the Xmas thing. He doesn't get to say spending the wedding with you makes him uncomfortable, but spending Xmas with your family is fine. I would tell him this. He may suddenly have a 'revelation'.

Original poster
PeachPit · 21/10/2017 10:13

The Christmas thing isn’t actually decided yet. I’m ok with it and he wants to to there, my family not so ok with it. Maybe that’s why he’s being funny about the wedding, but then it’s hardly going to help his case if he can’t even manage being at the same wedding as me.

Thinking about it though, I’m sure we’ve mentioned the wedding since we split and he was ok with it then.
I’ve been on a few dates recently and my friend wonders if he maybe somehow knows about that. I’ve not told him or anyone barring my closest friends and there’s really nothing to much tell. She thinks he was hoping we’d get back together or at least sleep together and now he thinks that won’t happen, he doesn’t want me there, cramping his style and probably hopes I’d say he can’t take DD then. She’s not really a fan of his though.

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 21/10/2017 10:40

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in wanting to go at all. Yes he’s family but you have a long standing friendship with the bride, you’re going to the hen do and your DD is part of the wedding. I would (nicely) tell him tough, you’re going. I would ask to be seated on a different table to him though.

Hope you get to attend and it’s a lovely day x

JCo24 · 21/10/2017 11:00

Please go! The bride will be upset if you don’t.
Just make sure you stick with your cousin/ the people you know on the brides side and get your table moved!!

No need to lose a friendship over an ended relationship.

Oh and keep all chat with your ex related to Dd only.

Don’t know why so many people have told you not to go. Have a great time OP! 😊

WetPaint4 · 21/10/2017 11:02

Oh I didn't realise the bride wasn't his cousin. Even more so then, that you should go. He can't be trying to control your attendance at a wedding you would have been invited to anyway just because he's related to the groom. Every wedding has a bride's side and a groom's side, there will be plenty of other people you can mingle with on the day.

Where will this end? Christenings, parties, you won't be able to celebrate with your friend because it involves his family?

If it was your cousin and his mate, I'd be saying the exact same thing, he has to suck it up.

TheNaze73 · 21/10/2017 11:12

I don’t think I’d go.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/10/2017 11:24

With a man like this, be polite, calm and firm and do what you want to do. He can get the fuck over himself or fuck off.
Too often, women are expected to give in for the sake of a man's self-pity and self-obsession.
The bride is your friend. The friendship between you and her is worth more than keeping your ex placated.

Original poster
PeachPit · 21/10/2017 11:31

I’m going to speak to my ex when he drops DD off this afternoon and then phone the bride and go from there.

I wasn’t sure about table and thought it we’re separate that DD will just end up running between us and thought it would be better us together for the meal and then once that’s done everyone mingles anyway. So I’d said I was fine sitting with him, we aren’t on a table with his family anyway, can’t remember exactly who she said but definitely not his mum, grandparents or aunts/uncles. Wasn’t planning on sitting with him during the ceremony anyway.

My friendship with the bride is difficult to explain. I was hoping to try keep it not so identifying, but......we dance together well the same school, she’s 5/6 years older. So I’ve known her since I was around 6 and although not part of my friendship group of going out etc. Our dance school is very much like a family in some ways, years of shows, competitions and helping each other with costumes and make up, you get to know everyones family members and all that. Also I take DD with me so she and her best friend who’s bridesmaid both see DD a lot and she knows them well.
Obviously ex knows all this.

OP posts:
JenniferYellowHat1980 · 21/10/2017 11:36

I would definitely speak to the bride yourself rather than trusting your ex to have an honest conversation with the couple.

fortheloveofpancakes · 21/10/2017 11:47

Why are pp saying she shouldn’t go to her own very long standing friends wedding just because her ex will be there?

So if my db and my ex’s ds got together or my db and my ex’s best friend got together one of us couldn’t go because we used to be married and now are not? No that’s not right the op’s ex doesn’t get to chose the guest list as it’s not his bloody day it’s the bride & grooms and you can bet your arse that the groom will want what his bride to be wants and that’s her long standing friend who’s she’s known since she was a kid there! The ops ex maybe family but he’s not putting his feelings aside for the bride and groom is he so he obviously doesn’t care that much for them.

You should definitely go op and ignore all those who say don’t as they just see it from a different but the wrong angle.
Tell your ex to suck it up it’s not his wedding after all.

alleypalley · 21/10/2017 11:53

I would go. It's your friend getting married, if the groom wasn't a cousin of your ex you would still be invited. It's bride's family too, not just the groom's family and they want you there.

I would not miss going to a friend's wedding because an exes cousin was the other party. A sibling maybe but not a cousin. Your ex and his parents are only other wedding guests, they are not hosting it or sitting at the top table or anything.

Your ex is being childish.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2017 12:00

I think he has a bit of a cheek, actually. I think if he bans you from his cousin's wedding, despite you knowing the bride and her family, and some of his family still wanting to see you there, then you would be well within your rights to say "ok fine, but you don't get to do Christmas with my family either then. It can't be one rule for me and another for you - if it's no 'other side's family events' then that goes for both."

If it's a church wedding, he can't stop you going anyway. So you could still see your DD be a flower girl in the bit that matters - but you could, if you choose, decide to stay away from the reception, which I imagine is the bit that's bothering him the most, people's curiosity and questioning. There is also the off-chance that he's hoping to pull at the wedding, which would be awkward with you there!

However, I really would warn him that he's setting a dangerous precedent by not wanting you at his family events - it's not petty, it's fair to point it out that it would have to be that way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/10/2017 12:01

And aside of all that , I would actually still go to the whole thing, and if he chooses not to attend because of you being there, then he'll look like a twat, not you. x

Butterymuffin · 21/10/2017 12:29

If he's been the one suggesting joint trips, and he's been keenest on Christmas with your family while they're much less enthusiastic, then it definitely seems unfair to me that he's 'pulling rank' as it were about this is being 'his' event that you have a lesser claim on. I would remind him that if neither of you can count on being welcomed at the other one's family events anymore, he will need to make his own Christmas arrangements.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 21/10/2017 12:41

Ask the bride to seat you separately and you can attend as the bride's friend, not as your DP's partner.

Also tell your DP to make his own arrangements for Christmas because he's shown himself to be a right twat about this so why should your family host him when he won't let his family do the same for you?

You seem too accommodating of him; talking about how sitting together will be easier, and discussing this at length with him trying to find a solution he's comfortable with. You don't owe him anything. You can be polite and civil but you don't need to bend over backwards to his tantrums.

sinceyouask · 21/10/2017 12:46

Isn't it up to the people whose wedding it is? The bride wants op there. Her ex isn't in charge of the guest list for someone else's wedding!

Graphista · 21/10/2017 12:55

I agree with your friend - did you dump him?

In which case yea I think he as hoping to get you back and now he knows you've met someone else he knows there's no chance of that.

Well tough shit! Your friendship with the bride predates even your relationship with him by sound of things so go, ask to be on a different table and in future do things as a separated couple.

Days out together etc. Too confusing for dd and for him too by sounds of things. I reckon reason your family aren't keen on him being there for Christmas is because it'd get his hopes up.

Original poster
PeachPit · 21/10/2017 13:47

I messaged the bride because it was driving me a bit mad. She phoned me and I explained what he said, they’ve not heard from him about me not going and she said when we first broke up his cousin phoned him and asked him and he said we were fine to both still go. He was ok being sat with me, but he’d check if I was ok with it. His cousin said the bride would ask me about seats as she had some stuff to ask about DD, that’s when I got the message asking about seating.

So he’s known I was still going and they were expecting and wanting me to go and that I was sorting things out for DD.
Fuck knows what he’s thinking, but he’s not replied to any messages I’ve sent today so I’m not too impressed and DD was due home 15mins ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachPit · 21/10/2017 13:50

And I wouldn’t normally be bothered about her being late, but he knows we’re going somewhere and I’d asked him to bring her back for 1:30! He’s probably just doing it so I won’t have time to talk to him when he gets here.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/10/2017 14:03

Glad you got this clarified with B&G.

Nothing to talk about really. I'd just inform him that I'd talked to B&G and that I was still going. End of discussion.

Aderyn17 · 21/10/2017 14:50

What time did he bring dd back?

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/10/2017 17:17

You really need to stop 'accomodating' his wants/feelings, OP.
He shouldn't be allowed to have this kind of control in your life.

As you've just found out - he will quite happily - and without a second thought - trample all over you.

Stand up for yourself!

Seti · 21/10/2017 17:36

Oh Jesus definitely don’t go. You’ll make everyone feel very awkward.

Absolutely back out. It’s not your place to go at all in this situation Brew

Mittens1969 · 21/10/2017 17:57

RTHT, Seti, the OP is a close friend of the bride, going on the hen night and helping with the bridesmaids’ dresses. The bride really wants her there.

dudsville · 21/10/2017 18:00

In my opinion once you have children you're all family and have to negotiate relationships as you would work any family. In your context I might well go.

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