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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still go to this wedding

147 replies

PeachPit · 20/10/2017 19:09

I separated from DD’s dad a few months ago, but we’ve been getting on well all things considered. Spent DD’s birthday together and we’ve had trips out together with her. It’s still a little awkward at times but I’d say we’re getting on ok as friends.

Before we seperated we were jointly invited to his cousins wedding. He’s not particularly close to his cousin, but I know the bride to be quite well. Our DD is a flower girl and despite us seperating I’ve been the one to speak to the bride regarding DD’s outfit/hair etc.
I presumed, I’d still be attending and that we’d just have to sort out the hotel room, we obviously have a joint room booked.

Having spoken to him today, he’s obviously presumed I wouldn’t be going. And when I said I would be he wasn’t too happy about that, at all.
His argument being it’s his family and would be awkward for him and basically I’m no longer invited to his family events as he’s not to mine.
Mine is, the brides expecting me and I’m friends with her. Our DD is a flower girl for the first time and I don’t want to miss it and his family love me and want me there (I’ve spoken to his mum who’s expecting that I’d still go).

He’s sent me a message after he left that’s basically said, if I do go he won’t. I don’t actually believe that though and really don’t get why he’s so bothered by me going.

So AIBU to still go?
I don’t think I am, but would appreciate a neutral point of view.

Apologies for the length, just wanted to try include everything that might be relevant, so as not to drip feed.

OP posts:

Garlicansapphire · 20/10/2017 22:23

I'm not sure if it was switched the other way round and your XH was determined to come to your family wedding that MNers would think it was right?

pigeondujour · 20/10/2017 22:25

I was ready to say you shouldn't go but have I missed something about Christmas?

AppalachianWalzing · 20/10/2017 22:27

I assumed that the bride you were friends with was his cousin. I definitely don't think you should miss a friend's wedding because you're marrying someone with family connections to your ex.

Get yourself seated separately, raise with the bride he's kicking off a bit but go. And have fun.

Darkstar4855 · 20/10/2017 22:30

I can see both sides. I agree with the idea of a compromise i.e. you get DD ready and go to the church ceremony but not the rest. That way you get to help the bride, see DD as a flower girl and be there for the actual wedding part. Then quietly leave and let your ex have the rest of the day with his family.

AliMonkey · 20/10/2017 22:32

You should go. If you only knew the B&G through your ex then attending the reception probably wouldn't be appropriate, but I still think it would be reasonable to attend the ceremony (and if it's in an Anglican church, any member of the public can attend). But as you were friends with the bride before meeting your ex, then you are going as the bride's friend, not as the groom's cousin's ex, so should definitely go. But I would suggest asking if you can be on a different table - explain to the B&G that your ex is being awkward which is why you want to move. You could be gracious and allow your DD to sit with her dad at the reception rather than you if he thinks he would prefer that - if she is only little he may regret it though!

BelleandBeast · 20/10/2017 22:33

Go, the bride is your friend and your DP will have to get over it. There will be loads of occasions where you will be together as parents. You get on ok and when he realises he has to stay sober to look after his DD, he will see sense.

GlitteryFluff · 20/10/2017 22:33

I think if he's not happy with you attending a wedding that he's also attending then he shouldn't be spending Christmas with your family. He can't have it both ways! Only when it suits him he can handle being around you but not together. Doesn't work like that. I definitely think he wants to hook up with someone there or bring someone else as his plus one.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/10/2017 22:34

I think if you reworded your OP as, " my good friend is getting married to my exH cousin. She has invited me and DD is a flower girl but my exH doesnt want me to go" you may have got slightly different responses.

I have actually changed my mind and think your ex is unreasonable and you should go. Especially given the christmas update.

Venusflytwat · 20/10/2017 22:35

I don’t think either of you are acting very separate. Why on Earth is he spending Christmas with your family??

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 20/10/2017 22:37

If you are at different tables, could bride sit you with a friend or your cousin? You can be at the same wedding but not 'together' sitting together like nothing had happened would be weird!!! He can't have it both ways, expecting to spend Christmas with your family but telling you he doesn't want you at the wedding! That is bloody selfish!

Why should the bride be disappointed because he is embarrassed at im guessing his indiscretions!! He is groom's side, you are brides side! Bride wants you with her the morning of the wedding! She chose your dd as flower girl which I bet is more because she is your dd than grooms niece! You have been preparing for this wedding for months, what has he done other than act like a selfish child? If anyone should be pulling out, its him! Its not your fault that he is too childish to act like a grown up! With no thought to how happy your little dd would be to have both Mummy and Daddy there!

Why should you miss out on your daughter being flower girl! Or having a good time with your friends and cousin! I bet you would be going if your friend was going to marry anyone else! This isn't a random cousin's wedding to someone you haven't met! This is your friend getting married! Why does what your selfish ex wants trump what the bride wants!!!! If you are sat elsewhere and keep to your group then he should be grown up enough to deal with it! And if he can't then he won't manage Christmas with your family will he!!!

ThePinkOcelot · 20/10/2017 22:43

I think I would tell him you totally understand and obviously how he feels the same about Christmas so you understand him not coming to that too! He can't pick and choose!

timeisnotaline · 20/10/2017 22:43

I'd definitely go, the bride is your long term friend and you've been involved. I'd tell ex that if he expected you not to go he should have taken over the planning for his daughter instead of expecting you to do it all then not turn up. He seems lazy and entitled , wants you to do all the parenting, but cancel on your friends and disappear so he can play proud dad , pretend he contributed and socialise at ease, but suits him to turn up at your Christmas.

Amaried · 20/10/2017 22:45

Think you did the right thing even though I understand your disappointment. I don't think I'd want my ex at a family wedding especially when it's so recent and there's bound to be some gossip/speculation amongst the wider family and definitely more so if you are still there.. think when it comes to family events the family member partner gets to say what they feel is appropriate

I'd be thinking about Xmas playing happy families though. Very hard to move on when ye are still doing so much together

GrapesAreMyJam · 20/10/2017 22:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2017 22:49

If he's 'too upset' to attend a large gathering at which you are present, then he's 'too upset' to attend a small family Christmas at which you are present! And that's what I'd tell him!

Is it a situation that you were the one who initiated the split and he's not accepted it yet? If so, I'd give more consideration to not going (assuming you didn't initiate it due to abuse). But if it was mutual or he initiated it, I'd probably still go to the wedding and see that I was seated well away from him at the church and I would ask the bride to seat us at separate tables. Hopefully there's someone she can swap around places with.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 20/10/2017 22:53

It's his cousin, I get that, BUT he isn't close and all of a sudden he is using the 'family place card' as an excuse for you not to go.

Wondering, does ex-DP have another partner he is bringing but too shit scared to say anything?

This wedding belongs to the bride and groom. TELL HIM THAT.
The Bride WANTS you there. TELL HIM THAT.
YOU are part of the pre-wedding party - helping the bridesmaids get dressed. TELL HIM THAT.
HE does not have the right to say who goes and who doesn't. TELL HIM THAT.
If he chooses not to go and cuts his nose off to spite his face, tough titty! TELL HIM THAT.

Personally, I would also tell the bride about what ex-DP is saying and request a table change.

Afterwards, tell him that he behaved like a complete wanker and he's done you a favour in not being with you.

Mittens1969 · 20/10/2017 22:58

The bride actually wants your help on the day, so she clearly will be disappointed if you don’t go. I agree that she’s probably asked your DD to be a flower girl because of her friendship with you.

Thymeout · 20/10/2017 23:04

Perhaps he's trying to keep Xmas the same as it was last year for the little girl's sake.

Why did you separate, OP? Who initiated the break-up? It sounds as if your Ex is more upset about it than you?

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2017 23:05

If you've been invited as a friend of the bride, irrespective of you being married to her fiance's cousin then you should go.

Just sit on a different table.

WoTmania · 20/10/2017 23:05

YANBU to go. Especially after your recent updates.

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/10/2017 00:39

Are you going to drop the friendship with the bride now as well then op?

Otherwise she will be inviting you on day/nights out, her birthdays, any future dc baby showers/christenings/birthdays.........or are you happy to not be included/forced to not go to those as well?

emmyrose2000 · 21/10/2017 01:37

I was friends with the bride before I started seeing my ex and her his cousin. I actually played a hand in her meeting her husband to be, completely unknowingly. And she’d been seeing him over a year before we realised they were related

I was already going to say that you should go, but this doubly confirms it.

If I was the bride, and my friend didn't attend just because their ex is being a dickhead, I'd be pretty pissed off TBH.

My cousin split from his wife (he had an affair, so totally his fault). We invite the ex-wife to family events, but not him. My parents divorced when I was an adult. My mother still gets invited to, and attends, events for her in-laws. It doesn't worry my dad in the slightest. Your ex needs to grow up.

Urubu · 21/10/2017 02:02

You should go, OP

Jasharps · 21/10/2017 07:44

You should go. I imagine your daughter us flower girl because of your friendship with the bride not because of ex being cousins with groom. I thi k yiu should go. I also dont think ex will relay your message correctly and this might cause upset with your friend the bride.

I'd text him back and say your going for all the reasons you've already said here.

Original poster

PeachPit · 21/10/2017 09:38

I’m not sure if I should just speak to the bride myself. I’m going to the hen do next weekend and don’t want it to be a issue then. Plus if I’m definitely not going to the wedding but going to get DD ready, I can actually offer more help with hair and stuff (as I won’t need to do my own).
It’s not a church wedding it’s all at the same venue, so not sure about the ceremony and then leaving and it’s about a hour and half away. I’ve no problem going to get DD ready though, at least I’d still see her in her dress and everything.

I’ll see him when he brings DD back. I’m really not sure why he’s suddenly being like this though, we both agreed we didn’t want it to get like this with friends/family choosing between us and we were friends first so I see no reason we can’t be again. He’s been the one who’s pushed for more time together though, not me. Other than her birthday all joint trips have been at his suggestion not mine.

OP posts:

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