To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

I think that sounds like a good compromise. If everything goes well then you might want to reconsider if you have another baby.

Hmm, while it's reassuring for home births that there are usually two or more midwives present (or 6! ), I think that's a shocking use of resources, when women in hospital don't even have 1.

No wonder home births are safer!

I have had a home birth. I've also had two hospital births, one of them over-medicalised and quite traumatic, and one of them midwife-led and really pretty good.

Of the three, the home birth was by far the most satisfying, even though it didn't go quite to plan. It was fine through first stage and transition, but at some point the baby moved into a transverse position and was impossible to push out. After a period of trying, the baby appeared distressed, passed meconium etc. My midwife, who was excellent and very experienced, called for an ambulance transfer. This was in the days when ambulances came in 5 minutes and a midwife could have an obstetrician standing by in a fully staffed theatre with just a phone call. We were 10 minutes from the hospital on a blue light. Even so, I knew it was just too long, and that I was the only person standing between this baby and cerebral palsy. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I delivered him. He was born with paramedics standing in the hall and a head the shape of a rugby ball. We were transferred in for monitoring and my midwife came in to see me later on the ward, and told me, 'If you can push a transverse baby out, you can do anything.' She also brought a group of midwifery students to see his head, because she wanted them to understand the incredible capacity of the skull bones to deform and reform during birth and had never seen such an extreme example. DS was absolutely fine, by the way, but he so nearly might not have been. I still regard that birth as a wonderful experience, though, and am a huge fan of home birth where the circumstances are right.

For you, though, OP, I think the circumstances are not right. 30 minutes from the hospital is too far, even assuming a prompt response and a well equipped hospital, which in fact cannot be assumed in the current political circumstances. You also say: I won’t feel comfortable just going into hospital, I want to try and birth and home, where I know I’ll feel most confident and in control but with all respect, you can't know this if it's your first birth. No one knows how they will react to birth until they experience it. No one knows whether they will feel most confident and in control if they are drug-free or pain-free, for example. Most of us find we feel neither confident nor in control from start to finish. A really successful, optimal labour, in many ways in fact, follows best from a complete surrender of control. I'll be honest, I regard the 'birth plans' I was encouraged to write when I had my babies as comedy gold now. The fact that you have a fixed idea of the birth you want to have is a big indicator to me that you haven't thought this through as thoroughly as you believe you have. I'm sorry, because I know that isn't what you want to hear.

I just wanted also to add a corrective to the posters saying that home birth is statistically safer than hospital birth. While technically true, this statistic obscures the fact that home births that go wrong almost always end up becoming hospital births before the baby is finally delivered (and thus becomes part of the dataset). Hospital birth data therefore includes almost all the bad outcomes, even those that were initially home births. One of the difficulties with making a balanced decision about your own baby's birth imo is that the home vs hospital debate is so polarised and politicised that the data presented by one or other 'side' is almost always distorted. It is rare to find someone whose viewpoint has not been coloured by that, one way or the other, which may be why your DH is unwilling to take on board the midwife's perspective.

Good luck, OP, whatever you decide.

OP, what are your options in terms of midwife-led unit (MLU) or a more standard set up with a labour ward in a hospital? If there is a MLU near you I think that would be a good compromise. Near me there is a MLU with a birthing pool in every room, and it's attached to the hospital so they can literally whisk you to the delivery unit if there are any concerns (which is what happened to me, sadly, and I never did get in the pool!)

ListenToYourself Fri 20-Oct-17 13:38:59

I think I’ve decided to stay at home in bath/shower for as long as I possibly can, and then head to hospital.

Sounds like a good compromise. And I personally think water births are over-rated. Being in water did nothing for me, in fact made the pain worse. What really helped was pacing round the room.

But don't get too fixed on a birth plan. You need to be able to go with the flow to some extent, as things frequently don't happen how you think they should.

OTOH, I think you DH needs to have a chat with the MW, who may be able to explain that supporting a partner in birth is not about having a say, but about encouragement, about being your advocate for what you want if you can't articulate it, etc.

You and the baby are the patients, he's just a guest who can be asked to leave if you want. Yes, it's his baby too, but you are the one going through that process and need to be relaxed, not having to focus on him and what he wants.

I do, however, wonder what his objection to a water birth actually is? They do work for some, just not for me.

OP I think that's the best compromise. I thoroughly recommend doing a birthing class (I did Lazy Daisy birthing, not sure if it's a nationwide programme). That might help you to feel in control even when you're in hospital. Lots of breathing techniques and movements for diffferent stages of labour. Best of luck.

Do you have a midwife-led birthing unit at your hospital? They can be a great 'halfway house', and feel very different to a delivery unit.

My first was a long nightmare that ended up with lots of intervention. Second was quick and easy in a pool. I would happily have a third at home. I would not advise my dd to have a first baby at home due to risk of complications. Your body has no idea what it is doing. If you haemorrhage afterwards or tear horrendously that is an hour to hospital. If the baby is in distress that hour might make the difference between life and death. Or it might all be fine.

That is a tough one, as pp have said, it's your body, your birth, But, it's his baby too and 30 minutes is a hell of a long time if you need help, can you talk to him about it and try to make a decision together? Best of luck

Firstly, why not get DH to speak with the midwife? She can explain that you're only allowed a home birth if you present as low risk and that they happen all the time with good outcomes. She might also explain the advantages and reassure him that they have solid protocols in place for transfer to hospital should problems arise.

Secondly, my brother & SIL decided to have a home birth for their 1st child. SIL had healthy pregnancy with no complications. Labour started at home with midwife there, but then stopped, so they had to transfer to hospital to administer drug needed to restart labour. Hospital transfer would have taken at least 30 minutes in ambulance (it's three towns away). SIL got to hospital, drug was administered & baby born (no other intervention) several hours later. At no point was SIL at any risk.

I'm 42 (old!!!), currently pregnant with my 1st and have a risk averse DP. I therefore didn't look into home birth as would worry DP and possibly I wouldn't be allowed anyway due to age. We've agreed to go for midwife led birthing unit and midwife also reassured me that even in the labour ward (where I guess I could end up if the birthing unit is full) "we don't let doctors interfere unless absolutely necessary". My priority is being interfered with as little as possible!

I'm a bit confused here.Mant people here saying it's his child too so he should be listened to but actually he won't talk about it,he shuts the OP down.He wants her to go to hospital but no water delivery,so do you have OP giving way there too as it's also his child in which case he has had 100%his way.
I wonder what his opinions are post birth about child care?
Good luck OP whatever you decide,perhaps halfway house is hospital but you then have total choice.

MrsLupo, you are absolutely right about home birth data being skewed by lacking detail on what happens when things go wrong.

This made me smile. When I had DC2 I decided about 10 days before my due date I would prefer a home birth. The Doctor and community midwife were right behind the idea but DH was worried about it. However, on the basis that I had the deciding vote on this one we proceeded with the home birth plan. She arrived a few days early and the delivery was everything you could want, peaceful, relatively easy and quick.

A couple of hours later as I lay in my own comfy bed (after a bath in my clean, warm bathroom), drinking nice coffee not hospital dishwater I heard DH on the phone to his office announcing the birth and boasting that 'we' had opted for a home birth and how great an experience it had been. The colleague he was talking to had her own first DC a few months later, also a home birth with the same midwife.

I had a perfect pregnancy, at my 38 week check the midwife suggested a home birth and I decided against it. Thank god I did. Spontaneous labour at 40+3, arrived at hospital 3cm dilated, waters hadn’t broken. Baby was in distress and his heart was stopping with each contraction. More senior staff were called and I was rushed in for an EMCS. DS had to be resuscitated and has been left with severe disabilities. He’s 15 now, is spoon fed, wears incontinence pads, and can’t sit, walk or talk or even do anything for himself. His brain was damaged because the cord was round his neck cutting the oxygen supply.

On the basis of that what I have said above I would never recommend a home birth to anyone, I do appreciate that my experience was very different to pretty much everyone else’s.

Enjoy your baby however you choose to do it - and it is your choice, give your DH an opportunity to have his say though, it’s his baby too

And don’t worry about my experience, DS is the happiest person I ever met and laughs at his disability frequently (and probably gets more spoilt because of it)

Hospital birth data therefore includes almost all the bad outcomes, even those that were initially home births.

Not so. I believe that the stats as in e.g. the Place of Birth study from 2011, allow for this, so home births which end up in hospital are still listed to show they started as home births, so that genuine comparisons can be made.

I couldn't help thinking that with the current state of maternity services OP might be told to stay at home for a fair time anyway. The days of going into hospital at the first twinge are long gone.

Please can I just point out that home births are not statistically safer than hospital based births and anyone insisting this is the case is giving women (and the OP) a false impression.

The most cited study looking at the safety of home births was the Birth place study. The key findings in that study were that for women delivering their second or subsequent child (and were already assesssed as low risk), delivering at home or in a midwife led centre conferred no increased risk than to those delivering in an obstetric unit- i.e. there were no significant differences in outcomes.

Importantly for first time mothers, delivering in a home birth setting conferred increased risk of poor outcomes for the baby than first time mothers delivering in obstetric units. This was an increase from 5.3/1000 births in hospital to 9.3/1000 births planned at home.

The study did find that women who delivered at home or in a midwife led unit, the incidence of medically assisted birth was less in a midwife led unit or at home.

For more detail you can read the full article as it is open access.

Whilst I agree that everyone is free to make their own choice, it will always be an assesment of the risk vs benefits. My own personal perspective is that whilst reduced intervention, closer 1:1 monitoring in a home setting would be my preference, the end result, albeit generally low risk, of something potentially going wrong could be catastrophic. To my mind, the benefit of an ideal birth does not outweigh the risk of a poor perinatal outcome for me or my baby.

And I'm afraid I do agree with PP and think that your DH does deserve some sort of opinion as it is his child too. I initially refused induction with my second after a prolonged and dificult experience first time round- but this made him extremely uncomfortable because as a medic himself he is very aware of the risks of a very late term delivery. We discussed it, made a compromise and I ended up being induced at 40+16 rather than +13. Very different experience from previous and both me and DS were fine, thankfully.

Him being worried about you and concerned and having an opinion is fine.

I dont think op is brushing his concerns off, she’s trying to discuss it with him and he keeps brushing her off, he won’t research anything. He’s not being unreasonable in being worried and anxious but he is being unreasonable for refusing to discuss it.

Anxiety is shite, the blokes anxiety doesn’t impact on his unborn child, OP spending months worrying over this could. You’d think he’d be discussing options instead of him refusing. I don’t mean he should be brushed off but maybe if he listened to his wife he would learn that knowing she could have a pool at hospital would be ok and enough to stop her anxietŷ but he’s against a pool too. Would not be surprised if he’s against her pain relief choices too. Have you discussed what is available to you should you want any pain relief? Even you start saying you don’t want any kind of pain relief you may change your mind so you should discuss your options.

Some previous posts seem to have an undertone if telling OP if she were to have a home birth and something went wrong it would be her fault. That’s unfair, I had my first birth in a hospital that didn’t have a good reputation, several mistakes by hospital staff almost killed me and my baby and for a long time I blamed myself, I chose a hospital birth after hearing about a couple of horrible cases of staff errors, so it’s my fault. If something went wrong in hospital then would it be her husbands fault? Things can and do go wrong in hospital, things go wrong at home, things go wrong in every type of birth, whichever choice you make, things going wrong are not your fault!

I do agree his opinion matters, I’m just not sure it should be given priority. His refusal to talk about it implies he thinks it should.

That sounds sensible, OP.

Hope that everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy, and hope that you have a great birth experience in hospital.

Have you asked your hospital MW what the statistics are in terms of people wanting water births vs those not able to have them? Because obviously there is that risk but I had DD2 in a London MLU (relevant as the hospital serves a dense population area) and we were told during the tour that it’s actually pretty rare that people want the pool and don’t get to have them (and I did have it - by the skin of my teeth, as I was ready to push by the time we got there!). There were two on the ward and I could have had either.

I think I was one of those who talked about things going wrong.

Things can and do go wrong in hospital, things go wrong at home, things go wrong in every type of birth, whichever choice you make, things going wrong are not your fault!

I completely agree with you on this. My point was simply that we need to live with whatever risks we take. If I really want a homebirth and my partner is dead against it and something goes wrong, will I be able to live with myself. That's the question to ask.

In my case, I had a hospital birth, followed all their recommendations, still had a tragic outcome, I did blame myself endlessly of course. But I think I couldn't have managed it if I had gone against my partner's anxiety about a homebirth and then ended up with the tragic outcome. If that makes sense.

Key things to think about are:
Relative risks of homebirth vs hospital birth
Relative ability to cope with a good or bad outcome whatever decision you take.

I think giving birth has become hugely romanticised, when in reality it is a means to an end - nothing more. This leaves many women feeling like they have failed if they don’t have the ‘perfect’ birth. Yes you can have a great birth, but I truly believe this is nothing more than luck of the draw, and some people are extremely unlucky. I would much rather be in hospital if I was a 30 mom drive away. If it was 5 mins, then being at home would probably be ok.

Also, I’ve seen quite a lot of untruths about the time it takes to have a baby delivered by emergency c-section. It is extremely quick. My emergency (but not really a true emergency) c-section happened within minutes of the decision being taken to do it. Baby delivered 15 minutes later. No faffing around as some people have suggested. In a true life & death emergency it would have been even quicker - I have no doubt.

I haven't rtft yet but I think YABU. Your partner is worried about you. Yes, being relaxed and comfortable in labour is important but home births are ridky. 30 mins is a long time in an emergency. A pregnant uterus can bleed at a rate of 750ml per minute. Your entire blood volume is around 5L. That means a pregnant woman may only have 6-7 mins until they potentially bleed to death. The data that a lot of safety on home births is based on is from the Netherlands where generally access to hospitals and ambulances is much better. MWs are being pushed by the government to encourage home births even for first babies. So much can go wrong so quickly and yes, theatre prep etc can take a few minutes but once it is ready, everything can happen immediately with all the necessary equipment and staff as well as access to blood bank etc that may be needed. Even once an ambulance arrives there is inevitably going to be delay to definitive treatment and aftercare that may be needed. I don't mean to frighten you but the consequences of complications can be catastrophic.

I was all for home births until I had actually given birth to a baby, each of my 3 labours were different and I nearly died in the last one, so I can't advocate home births from my personal experience.

Hospital was quite lovely in the end and I had dimmed lights a wonderful midwife in all my labours and it was actually quite soothing, or as soothed as you can be when you're pushing out a human

Sorry if I'm making points that others have made already as I have not RTFL, however don't get blindsided by stats. I am sure it's true that statistically home births are a safe option but the majority of the women home birthing are a cohort who, in all likelihood have already had children and have had uncomplicated births. They are statistically likely to have a 'smooth' second birth anyway i.e. that same cohort of women who birth in hospital will also have 'uncomplicated' births.

You also seem very fixed on the birth itself, which is completely understandable, but once your baby is here, assuming you don't go through a horrifically traumatic experience, the method of delivery will fade away into the back ground & you'll wonder why you needed that moment itself to be so perfect. It's so important to get you and your baby through the birth safely. That's it. That's all that really matters.

On a side note, I was fixated on having an all natural 'hypno birth' with my first. After hours of agonising pain and little progress, I was begging for an epidural. This is not because I am mentally weak, have a low pain threshold and it was not a failing . All births are different, some fast, some slow, some manageable, some excruciating. It will be what it will be & if it's difficult, it is not your fault or your doing or because you should have thought about relaxing your vagina more or because you should have had better lighting in the room.

Whatever you choose, I hope it goes brilliantly and enjoy life with your little one.