To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

Saying his feelings mean nothing is a tad harsh it's his child too. Yes it's her body but he's just concerned over the safety of both mum and child.

I think you need to consider the hospital as an option I had to be induced in end was over due and it results in forceps delivery towards end I couldn’t do it on my own anymore and I’m grateful I was at the hospital and not having the stress and worry of having to be transported to one as soon as see how things go

Realise this is a bit of a red herring but it really doesn’t seem fair that someone who opts for a home birth gets two dedicated midwives and women who birth on a ward must share.

Haven't read all the responses but have read OPs posts.

I know people love homebirths and they can be quite lovely, but I think it should be something both parents agree on. If something goes wrong - and one person was v against it - it can be incredibly hard to recover from that.

We lost our first baby to a stillbirth at term, fairly low risk pregnancy throughout and we had even been advised to look into a homebirth by a midwife because I had similar concerns about birthing pool availability etc. In the end we went for a hospital birth, kept calling in to the hospital and following all their instructions. We even went in earlier than they wanted us to because we were feeling worried. We still beat ourselves up significantly in the aftermath wondering if we should have gone in earlier. And that's when both of us were on the same page! Imagine the guilt we would have felt if one of us had suggested going to the hospital later or something! I don't think a marriage could survive that.

Of course it's your body your rules, but we need to understand that outcomes are not guaranteed and we need to live with whatever choices we make. If your partner was supportive and you both were on the same page then go for it, otherwise just go deliver in the hospital.

It may very well be your body, but it's also your/his child that he's concerned about. I'd heed the wise words of the GP earlier in the thread.

It's not really about the home birth vs hospital birth though is it?

OP's DH is basically shutting down everything the OP wants with no discussion.
How many times does it come up on here (especially with IL at the hospital threads) that the mum is the patient and her needs and wants come first in labour?

Yet, because this is a heated topic, people are just focusing on the pros and cons of homebirth.

OPs DH isn't listening to her or discussing HER birth plan. It is the OP that is the patient, the OP that should get to call the shots whether she's naïve or completely informed, she is the patient. Not her DH, not her MIL wanting a bedside view, not any of us.

She is the patient and her DH should be listening to her and supporting her and not just shutting her down every time she has her own view.

I had a hospital birth with my first and a home birth with my second. I really had to work hard to convince my DH that a home birth was a good idea - the hospital delivery had been very long and scary, ending in theatre with rotational forceps. But I (like you) had done my homework and assessed that for me a home birth would be the best option, provided my baby was not back to back again (I spent lots of time on my hands and knees in late pregnancy!). We are only 5-10 minutes from the hospital, which did affect my decision, and I made it clear to my midwife that I would want to transfer at the first sign of any potential problem. In the end it went fine - we got the birth pool set up and he was born in it 6 hours after the first contraction. I loved it and would recommend it to anyone.

That being said, I think for me I wouldn't have gone for a home birth for my first baby as the statistics do indeed show it is a little riskier for first time mums. First labours are usually much longer and harder than subsequent ones, and indeed the majority of first time mums attempting a home birth do end up transferring into hospital (something like 65% as opposed to about 40% of subsequent births). Also I do think that 30 minutes sounds like a very long time. I'd rather just start off at hospital rather than a long transfer in advanced labour. If I were you I think I would stay at home for as long as possible, in and out of your own bath/shower, and go to the birth centre.

I would've liked a home birth but we stayed about 40 minutes from the maternity hospital and DS was due at Christmas time. DH was genuinely panicked about the thought of snow or ice on the roads and having to wait for an ambulance if we needed to transfer to hospital. He was also scared of something happening to me or the baby. So in the end I felt it would be cruel to put him through that at what would be a stressful time anyway.

We had a lovely birth in the midwifery led unit - used the birth pool and went home same day DS was born. It was the best compromise for both of us.

If his reasons are genuine then I think you have to consider them in your decision even if you do still go ahead with a home birth.

Haven't rtft but wanted to chip in with what I can remember from my home births, last one was 7 years ago so I don't know if the info has changed since then though, and apologies if I repeat what has already been said.

I was told by my MW that in a pregnancy with no complications home birth was a safer option than a hospital birth, I had at least 2 midwives with me all the time and once I rang to say I was in labour an ambulance was put on standby in case of emergency until the MW confirmed safe delivery of the baby, but nowadays if your area has high demand for ambulances you would have to check if this would happen. But the midwives (2 home births) always said if there was an emergency and it was safe to do so they would put me in their car and either meet the ambulance or take me to the hospital themselves, whichever was best. (I don't know if this is standard operating procedure though).

Both home births were very relaxed, and needed, as were so quick we wouldn't have made it to the hospital in time once I'd established I was in labour, and we only lived 5 minutes away!

We picked up the medical bags 3 weeks before due date, to be returned 2 weeks after due date if not happened by then, gas and air and oxygen canisters were delivered, stronger pain relief was prescribed by doctors and picked up from the pharmacy ready if I wanted it, then the MWs sort it all out afterwards. Everything needed is there, you just need to be willing to go to hospital if needed. One of my boys had the cord around his neck, but they managed to free it no problem so we just carried on!

The decision is yours, op, but it would be good if your DH could get on board. The only thing I regret is not having put my foot down with my first 2 pregnancies and insisted on home births then (MW at doctors didn't like home births at all, she had left and been replaced by one who was supportive of home births for DS3 and DS4) So, two hospital births, then 2 home births. I much preferred the 2 home births.

Hope you have a great pregnancy and you get a good labour and birth.

Hello, I'm a dad who's second child was recently born at home.

Our first was born in a midwife led unit within a hospital. I was really reassured with that expert medical help was only seconds away down the corridor should anything go wrong, but the birth was fine.

My wife really wanted a home birth for our second child, and to begin with I felt exactly the same as your husband - I never wanted to discuss it, and I felt it was putting our unborn child in danger, however infinitesimally small the chance of anything going seriously wrong.

We had chats with midwifes too, but I never felt that convinced by anything they said.

The thing that started to change my mind was a couple of chance conversations with two other dad's I met who's partners had recently had successfull home births. I was able to hear their stories and ask questions relating to the man's point of view, which is often what is missing from all the conversations with midwives etc. I realise this makes me sound like a massive twat for only starting to listen when other men were talking to me about it, but having the male take really helped push me start finding out more about home births myself.

Once I realised that statistically it was safer, especially for second babies, I came around to the idea. Although I will still admit to being nervous, our second was born happily and healthily, and the experience was 100 times better than being in hospital or even a MWLU. It really was wonderful. And our eldest got to meet his little brother within minutes of him being born!

Having said all that, I'm not sure how I would have felt if this had been our first child, as so much of the anxiety is fear of the unknown. But... Just try and get him in contact with some other dad's who's partners have had home births, it might make the difference.

Finally, if there are no paragraphs in this post, blame the Android app, not me!

Yeah, just to reiterate what's been said above :

Every kind of birth has risks. You need to assess the risks and decide what risks you're willing to take, and how you (both) will live with whatever outcomes result from a decision.

So hospital = chance of birthing pool not being available + you feeling like you are not getting the experience you want.

Home birth = chance of needing emergency transfer if things go wrong + DH feeling like his views not being listened to.

Please remember the outcome of all births is not always happy mummy and happy baby. If sadly the outcome is bad... (and you only need to scroll up a bit to read people's tragic and difficult experiences) - which decision will you be able to live with?

That's the more important question.

And I see the LTB brigade is out with calling DH an arsehole or "controlling" for merely wanting his child's birth to occur in a traditional medical setting where risks are lower. Get a fucking grip.

I had babies a long time ago but DH had done the requisite 10 normal deliveries and 10 problematical plus time on the flying squad. When we had our first I said I would like a home birth He said I could have it wherever I liked as long as as it took less than four minutes to get it on a resuscitator if that's the right word. . I think as the baby is 50% his ,his opinion should count as well. I'm sure things have changed and there isn't the staying in hospital for a week after a delivery. The Mat was in a very deprived area and many of the mothers looked on it as respite care

Can someone who knows more about the statistics advise on this: homebirths are statistically safer, but is that comparing like-for-like births, or across the whole population? Because if it's across the whole population, of course they're statistically safer / fewer interventions due to the fact they are only available to very low risk women in the first place.

Home births can be great but please think very carefully about this for your first baby. This is from the NHS website:

"Among women having their first pregnancy who opted for a home birth, 45% were transferred to hospital before or after delivery. For women attending a freestanding midwifery unit, 36% were transferred, and 40% of women attending an alongside midwifery unit were transferred."

Those are NHS stats, and btw those transfer numbers go down significantly on subsequent births.

Sorry, but I'm with your DH on this. I think there's far far too much emphasis on having some kind of wonderful woo "birth experience" and a lot of nonsense pedalled by midwives. In the end, don't you just want a healthy baby in the arms of a healthy mother?

A PP mentioned experiencing a shoulder dystocia and being glad to be in hospital. We had the same experience with DS2 at home and the two midwives in attendance dealt with it brilliantly and was out with first manoevre (also grey/blue and terrifying for DH; I was in shock and oblivious thankfully)

However, despite someone pointing out that I probably had the more experienced midwives as they tend to the ones attending homebirths, and it might actually have gone worse if in hospital, I still wouldn't do it again and shudder at the what ifs.

I felt it was a justifiable risk as we're 5 mins from hospital, I'd had a textbook first birth in hospital etc etc. However, if DH had been uncomfortable with it, there's no way I'd have gone against that.

Yes, it's your body, but the surroundings are really pretty unimportant once you're in the throes of it all. I wouldn't take the risk again and I wouldn't want DH to feel that much anxiety about risks which can be avoided.

I also think that people are unrealistic about how much difference the 'controllable' aspects like hospital/birth, water/bed, music, ambience.. make. Realistic expectations and flexibility seem the best way to come out unscathed mentally (barring proper trauma)

Why would you tell the person you love, who you've made the enormous decision to have a baby with to ' fuck off' because he's worried about the birth?

Yes it's your body and ultimately your decision but you need to sit down and talk this through with him properly.

that is part of the reason that the stats are safer accrual but as far as I remember they were safer/less interventions like for like for those very low risk women. There's a link here to RCN website

www.rcm.org.uk/news-views-and-analysis/news/wrong-to-assume-hospital-birth-is-safer-say-midwives-on-new-research

@dangermouse thanks for the link, it's something I've wondered about a few times.

...and with the stats transferring to hospital from a homebirth, they don't just transfer because of something going wrong! If the birth goes on too long for a homebirth, you go to hospital, if you want pain relief, you go to hospital, if you suddenly change your mind about homebirth, you go to hospital, if there aren't enough midwives, you go to hospital. If things don't look quite right to the midwives/they have any hint of concern, you go to hospital. If your waters have broken and you haven't given birth within X time, you go to hospital. It's not all emergencies!

I was expecting this to be a "DH doesnt want me using pain relief" type of thread in which case it would've been a yes, tell him to fuck off.

In this situation though, whilst it is obviously in the end the woman's choice, hour husband is only saying what he is out of concern for you and your baby. He's not being an arse.

I think I’ve decided to stay at home in bath/shower for as long as I possibly can, and then head to hospital.

Not really what I wanted but we can’t always get what we want.

I feel as if I was sold a dream by my two community midwives they were so behind me on my choice.

Like a PP has said, many mums who are having their first do go into hospital but that statistic isn’t all emergencies - They could want to themselves, want extra pain relief etc etc or labour taking too long

Let's just spell it out clearly. If something serious goes wrong there's an increased risk you or the baby might die if you home birth as you won't be close to a crash team for either you or the baby.

I think I’ve decided to stay at home in bath/shower for as long as I possibly can, and then head to hospital.

I think that's the best compromise.

Both my children and I would be dead if I’d had home births. My first child was a 60 hour labour ending in ventouse delivery. My second child I ended up losing 2.5 litres of blood after they found I had undiagnosed placenta prévia (no symptoms / no bleeding) actually during the - what was supposed to be very straightforward- c section. If I had chosen a home birth for either of mine - and I could have done! - I wouldn’t have my lovely 14 year and 5 year old here with me and I would have bled to death.

My ds almost died during a home birth. And the wait for an ambulance was terrifying.
First time mothers are far more likely to need a transfer to hospital than those having baby number 2/3. Do your research, the risk of transfer is high.
I think your DH is absolutely right to be worried