To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

Suggest you pay for a doulla, pay for an extra doppler scan, and then decide. First time mums should be at the hospital as their births take longer and tend to have more complications. There’s also the risk of sepsis.

Hi OP, not sure if it's been mentioned but i was told i couldn't use the pool as my waters had already broken therefor the risk of infection was higher. My friend used it and had to get out as it slowed everything down

You have final say it's you giving birth.

If henwas trying to tell you what painkillers you could/couldn't have or pushing you into a csec/home birth it would be different but I think being thirty minutes away he has good reason to be worried.

I've had 5 DC I needed intervention with four, with two of them a home birth could of led to one or both of us dying. I realise that's the extreme end of the spectrum though.

Really, ineedwine? My waters are the first thing to go when I labour and I was told to get in the bath at home and then as soon as I got to the hospital I hopped into the pool and delivered in there.

You are doing the right thing.
I had a home birth for my first and had to fight hard to get it. Faced all sorts of problems. And I can say without any reservation it was the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life. I still suffer from resulting problems. Fortunately, DC suffered no ill effects. But it was close.
I bought into this whole "your body, your labour" idea. But much more important than any of that is the fact it is your child's birth. They build delivery rooms and populate them with skilled doctors, nurses and high tech live-saving equipment for a very good reason.

Hi. Sorry if I'm duplicating but I haven't read the full thread. I had a home birth for my second child after a section with the first. I have to say they if you want your partner as part of the birth then you need to be agreed on where to have the baby. If he is not comfortable then he will be little use to you and they are definitely important at home births..

So, there are at least three women on this thread who have been told that an ambulance will be on standby if they choose to have a homebirth... [shock[ so, either women are being routinely lied to and women and babies' lives are being put at risk when ambulances fail to materialise due to the fact that no such arrangement exists:

Or ambulance resources are being diverted away from genuine unavoidable emergencies because some women are selfishly choosing to give birth at home taking up more resources that the nhs cannot actually afford.

Either way this is pretty unacceptable IMO, and surely off the back of that there should be a question mark over whether an NHS home birth should even be permitted? I would be bloody furious and taking legal action if a loved one of mine died because an ambulance was being kept on standby for somebody's home birth. It's just not acceptable either way.

OP I won't pile in with horror stories, and there's a few onhere. So I will say:

My first birth - not a chance. One (or both) of us wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for our consultant led birth, and I'm 10mins from hospital.

My second - would have had him at home in a flash. Easy, smooth labour in the pool at hospital.

You just don't know what you're going to get, and for me it was too big of a risk to take.

A remarkably high number of women I've talked to had some kind of emergency giving birth, needing quick medical intervention. It's also far more painful than you can imagine, and you won't have access to an epidural. I wouldn't have a home birth.

Sorry that should of been pushing you into a section or natural birth.

Hi OP, not sure if it's been mentioned but i was told i couldn't use the pool as my waters had already broken therefor the risk of infection was higher. My friend used it and had to get out as it slowed everything down

I don’t understand that, women give birth in them so why wouldn’t you be allowed to stay in once waters break?

Sounds to me like you need to be doing every you can to find the pennies to hire that birthing pool - if that's what it'll take to get you happy with a hospital and for everyone to be satisfied. Beg, borrow, steal; it's easier for some than others, but you must be spending on or being gifted baby stuff; they don't need a Bumbo, I assure you; is there any way you can rustle up the cash? If there is it would be a small price to pay to achieve the compromise that would repair your relationship.

I've had three kids in hospital.

Birth 1: hospital terribly understaffed. I got no pain relief at all, because they wouldn't believe how far along I was. Baby was delivered by one panicking semi incompetent student (no one answered the buzzer to help). I tore horribly. It was pretty horrendous.

Birth 2: same understaffed hospital. Again no pain relief and they didn't believe how far along I was so I gave birth in a curtained cubicle on a busy ward. This time I had 2 skilled midwives so birth itself was better.

Birth 3: different understaffed hospital. Baby delivered by sole midwife. Very hairy moment with cord round baby's neck and midwife actually swearing that no one answered the buzzer to assist. Great midwife, all fine in the end.

I had a home birth for baby 4. At least two midwives with me the whole time, four at shift swap over and three (one was a student) for the actual delivery. I can't tell you how much difference it made to have enough skilled hands around. I think the safety aspect in hospitals is very overrated. They are so understaffed. You are mostly left to get on with it. You could be well into a problem before it was picked up.

Having said all that, I wouldn't have a first baby at home, you don't know how your body will cope with labour.

Jeez - “his feelings mean fuck all”? I get that it’s OP’s body etc but it is his baby too. Why is this being interpreted as an evil man trying to control a woman’s body? Could it be that he’s just concerned for the safety of his baby and DP? He’s probably just nervous of the unknown like all soon-to-be parents.

Whilst in A&E, I saw the 999 ambulance lines not being answered for over 10 minutes

What A&E do you go to where they answer 999 calls in the waiting room?

RatRoyle this baby has everything from a Bugaboo to a Snuzpod far too late for me to reign in the spending!

But yes, you’re right - I think it is worth just biting the bullet and hiring one.

Although I’ll ask the midwifery led unit first, as they may not let me put it up

It's getting it filled in time as well.

I wouldn't for my first, not because my partner said so though.

My second was super fast and I could have given birth in the supermarket toilet (joke - but really it was super easy), but the first was long, slow and I needed additional help.

On a lighthearted note, giving birth is a really messy business and it's lovely being wheeled out of the hospital delivery room knowing someone else will clean up the blood, vomit, wee and poo!

I read the other day that homebirths are now down to 1%, in part because overstretched midwifery services mean that Community midwives are being used to bail out hospitals and their lack of staffing.

Obviously the choice is yours but it's a shame that some people in this thread don't think your DH should be speaking up.

If I thought the lives of my wife and child were being put at risk (nevermind the possibility of permanent disability) then I'd have pretty strong opinions about it as well.

Ew yes pull up the rugs or be prepared to ditch the mattress!

My "safer" hospital birth left my son with brain damage because I was ignored and then told I was attention seeking. I saw a MW twice in an 8 hour labour before pushing and only then because my mother made a fuss.

Another left me with PSTD after appalling care.

My "dangerous, selfish and self centered" home birth was longer, more painful and by far and away the best birth out of 6. 2 midwives with me the whole time, in the room not looking a a monitor occasionally while rushing to deliver one of 8 other women.

But what do I know? I am just a selfish silly cow.....

I think that the idea of being in hospital gives a false sense of security. Due to my sons cerebal palsy I know a lot of other families who had birth injuries and most (about 75%) of them where caused by neglect of labouring women in hospital. Of those that could prove it and sued, all were successful. With my son, had I been at home, the problem would have been spotted far sooner and ironically I would have had faster emergency care being taken in from home than I did being on the fucking ward. A crash team would have been waiting for me.

And I was told that the ambulance service would be informed and aware that there is a home birth going on, not on standby but that could be a misunderstanding of language used.

It's your choice. I had a perfect straightforward first birth in hospital, just over an hour in labour. Ideal candidate for home birth next time. Medical family member urged me to only give birth in hospital. Second birth I would be dead and so would DS if I'd been at home, all of a 7 minute drive from the hospital. What happened to me is very rare, but still, I wouldn't sleep well if any of my friends opted for home birth.

Listen to your DH, he has feelings too, discuss together and go forward from there. FWIW I was super eager for water birth first time round, and the suite was available, but there wasn't time to fill the pool!

Re first time births at home: risks are increased, in actual numbers that's 39 of 4448 wome having first child at home had injury resulting from complications in labour. Interpretation of risk from report here:
www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/births-at-home-or-in-hospital-risks-explained/

Also worth bearing in mind that 45% of first timers opting for home birth do end up transferring to hospital before or after birth. So 2000 of the 4448 did end up in hospital. But that could be for a number of reasons.

I am also a first timer considering home birth with a birth partner/actual partner who had some concerns about it. I would not have pursued a himebirth if he had remained against it. My reasoning being that I need him mainly for emotional support and he will be no good to me if he is terrified. We went to a homebirth group that was good and not too staunchly 'natural birth only', and he read a book on birth/ pregnancy for dads which helped. I asked him what his specific concerns were and he came straight out with 'that you and the baby die'. Fair dos! So we discussed risks, what would mitigate them etc. I have to be honest, we are 3.7 miles and 10-15 mins from one of two big maternity units in our city and that was part of what helped sway him. I think he may have struggled with a longer distance.

I am planning on planning for homebirth but not allowing myself to get too attached to a particular outcome. I don't know what I will want or how I will react so I'm basically trying to give myself as many options as possible and do if, then planning. Eg start at home have access to gas and air, tens, birth pool but being prepared to use none or just one. I am prepared to transfer to hospital if I or baby start to get tired, labour is not progressing, I discover I need more pain relief than is available or if I just simply freak out and change my mind. Im not against interventions but I want things explained before we do it, at very least to birth partner if I am unable to respond. I'm not contemplating birth complications because they happen but they are rare, and won't help me labour if that's what I'm thinking about. If baby is in adverse position or I go to being higher risk I am prepared to change plan.

I think you need to work out what your partners concerns are op and work out if they can be addressed or not. Your body, your labour but if your birth partner is uncomfortable/ anxious it will have an effect on you. Or, more anxious and uncomfortable than he might be!

I was born in hospital but have two sisters born at home in the eighties when it seemed more unusual. We're all fine. I asked my mum re homebirth and she said that labour was never exactly a great experience for her but it was much better being at home particularly once baby is born. She also said she had a better labour when she wasn't trying to be controlled and just told everyone how it was :)