To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

Home births are amazing 👌 stick to your guns

Also, the midwife told me the water birth was the reason I tore so badly - kind of wish I'd known that beforehand...

A little off topic but birthing pool or not, are you allowed to pop in and out of the shower/bath in hospital/birthing centre? I would love that

I read somewhere that you can even have a bath/shower in labour if you’d like, but can’t remember any details.

Obviously not if you’re about to push the wee so and so out and you’re 8cm+

Even if a home birth does not work it isn't a disaster.

Actually, it can be. A disaster meaning a mother very nearly dies, is left unable to look after her baby for months and will never quite be the same again. Something that would not have happened had she been in hospital and able to receive emergency care immediately. However, this was someone who went against medical advice not to have the baby at home.

I haven't RTFT but have you had medical advice on the subject? And how old are you? This can make a difference too.

It sounds as though your husband is scared (understandable really) and wants you and your baby to be safe. Can someone talk with him about the relative risks and benefits? I imagine you want him to be feeling positive and able to give you the support you need when the time comes, rather than terrified of what might happen.

Most people I know have had some sort of complication during labour. My second was horrendous in a different way. Home birth obviously wasn’t an option after what happened with my first and aside from all of the complications I was already experiencing, there were other complications during labour which resulted in the alarm being pushed and shouting for a crash team and all sorts of horrible things which other people have already mentioned. That all happened quite quickly. I wouldn’t have been able to predict any of that because it was different to my first. It was bad enough being in the hospital with a consultant right by my side, I can’t imagine the fear of that happening and knowing you’re half an hour away from the hospital.

I've had homebirths for all 3 of my children, and know many others who've had homebirths, or started off with a homebirth and went to hospital.

Homebirths are recommended by midwives for 1st timers with no complications. 1st births tend to be so long and drawn out anyway that it makes sense to spend as much time as possible at home. I know quite a few people who ended up going into hospital because labour was going on for too long, but were pleased to have spent the time at home, rather than in hospital, alone (because their bloke would have been sent home) etc.

The midwives are very proactive in getting you to hospital if anything starts to go wrong. My eldest's heartbeat started to drop during contractions because the cord was around the neck, but the midwives immediately started to take action (no hanging around like in one born every minute). Fortunately he was born very quickly due to the midwives actions/instructions but they were going to call ambulance otherwise. This is why I'm totally against freebirths, as I wouldn't have had a clue anything was wrong and the midwives were essential.

I think that the fact you say you wouldn't be comfortable in hospital is a big factor. It affects how you labour. I had a midwife I didn't like for DD3 and literally stopped labouring every time she came in the room! If you're not comfortable...there is more chance of labour being drawn out and going wrong. I'm sorry but I believe that as the person having to be literally turned inside out, and trying to do it in the safest way possible, your bloke should be supporting you in your choices.

“He keeps brushing it off”

As you are brushing his concerns off. I feel that YANBU to want a home birth and your husband is NBU to want a hospital birth. He isn’t being “controlling”. He is being concerned about your welfare and the baby’s welfare, and you seem to be ignoring that. You are underestimating just how long an ambulance transfer will take when you factor in the time it takes to get hold of one and for it to arrive at your house, plus the journey time.

“I don’t think your husband should have a say in it at all.”

Why not kaytee? It is his baby as well.

The birthing pool issue is another matter, and I agree that you should get the final say on this. Is booking it not an option? A hospital isn’t such a terrible place to have a baby. I felt looked after and supported when DD was born.
Our health trust is short of ambulances, let alone ambulances on standby for women in labour. Please don’t let your stubbornness turn this into a tragedy.

“Risk assessment. If all goes well, fine. If you need an ambulance there simply may not be one. That's how it is. Make a choice, but get real and accept the consequences of choices.”

Succinct and to the point. I agree with this. I get the impression that the OP is looking at the idea of a home birth through rose tinted spectacles.

Your husband is just worried, as would I be.

With my second baby his heart rate started dropping to dangerous levels and I was whisked off for a c/s straight away and baby was out within about 15 minutes. I'm pretty sure if I hadn't have been in hospital already then it would have been a very different outcome.

The fact it's your first baby would make me even more reluctant to be encouraging. You have no idea what to expect and you have no idea how your body will respond to labour.

If the only reason you are wanting a home birth is just so you can have a birthing pool then I think that's ridiculous and you really need to think if the potential risks are worth chancing just so you can have a pool.

As has been said, you may not even find the pool is of any benefit. When I was having my contractions pacing around and leaning against walls was the only way I could cope with them.

It all goes back to you never having laboured before - the idea that you'd like to give birth in water may be very far from the reality of what you actually do want to do when labour starts.

I am actually genuinely surprised they allow women who've never laboured before have gone births. I'm sure the encouragement of it is to serve financial purposes and nothing else.

I think you need to seriously consider whether birthing at home is really the best thing for you if all you're basing your wants on is a birthing pool.

Things can go very wrong in labour and go wrong very quickly. We often see written on threads about labour that giving birth is actually the most dangerous time of a woman's life and if I'd never given birth before I would 100% want to be in a hospital - birthing pool or not.

I remember listening to a radio show a few months ago which was talking to mothers whose babies had died due to complications in home births and not being able to get to hospital quick enough. It was heartbreaking.

Oncr your DH learns how to shit out a pineapple whole, and does it in a room full of people then he gets a deciding vote.

Bullshit.

In this case he's one of two parents concerned about an event that puts the other parent and their child in a position that's got the potential to go wrong. In many, many ways.

Remind me, what were the maternal and infancy mortality rates before modern medicine?

as YOU are the person...sorry make it sound like your bloke is having the baby!

I can see his point; DH and I would both be adamantly against home birth. Our DS's heart stopped during labour due to the cord being compressed. As soon as he was born and the realised he was completely blue and unresponsive, an alarm button was pressed. Within a minute, there was a team of paediatricians around him, who spent 12 minutes trying to rescussitate him. When they got his heart going, he started having seizures which continued for 24 hours. His blood pressure kept dropping. It took them an hour to get him stable enough to move down the corridor to the NICU, and 5 hours for us to be allowed to see him.

If I had chosen to have a home birth, he wouldn't have made it.

I wouldn't chance it with a first baby. My first labour was awful and ended up in Emergency C section. My babies heart rate kept dropping. How can they check this at a home birth as they don't have all the medical equipment? I would not chance it.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either

Why does your DH object to a birthing pool?

I can't quite get my head round the fact that NHS services are so stretched that one midwife can be looking after multiple women in a birthing centre or hospital, to the extent that sometimes I've heard from midwives that they don't feel the levels of care are entirely safe, but then 2 midwives can be made available to cater to just one woman for a home birth.

Would a midwife be with you for a home birth? If so, you might actually have far more attention than in a hospital where midwives are popping in and out to several labouring women.

I think the birthing pool is entirely up to you - if your DH doesn't like the idea he doesn't have to get in it

mindutopia

home birth midwives in the UK are very well trained and are able to manage a PPH at home, a baby who needs oxygen, cord around the neck, etc. These are all really routine events in midwifery and any trained midwife will have the skills and also the equipment to manage them in an emergency situation.

What happens when it's all of these, and only one midwife? What do they prioritise?

I had a very sudden emergency ventouse delivery. Heartrate was very poor, cord was tightly wrapped round the neck, and DS needed resuscitated after they freed him.

I also had a major PPH from the episiotomy and they had to do manual massage on me. Lost 30% of my blood.

There were 7 HCPs involved: 3 working on DS's breathing for more than 10 minutes, and 4 on me.

If that had happened at home with one midwife, what would they do? I assume (hope) the midwife would have focused on resuscitating DS in the minutes after he was born, but then I might have bled to death before she could tend to me.

Home birth midwives are so experienced, but they've only got two hands.

YANBU, you're the one who's doing it.

...and just a final thing with all these horror stories from people who have given birth in hospital.

None of the people I know who had home births, or started off having home births and went to hospital, had any terrible complications requiring crash teams/CS, and no babies died. I lived in an area with a very much higher than average number of homebirths/lots of young families. Probably more homebirths as there were no nice birthing centres, but still. There is a theory that just by starting off in hospital there is more chance of intervention, for a multitude of reasons. For example, those I knew that started in hospital for 1st mainly ended up with ventouse/forceps/stitches, but that didn't happen as much with people who started at home.

there are 2 midwives for homebirths- one for baby, one for mother. And quite often a student in addition to this, if agreed.

I'll go against the majority and say, while it is your body, it's your your husband's child too. He has a right to have an opinion and have it valued, just like he gets an opinion on names, parenting etc etc. Without sounding harsh, it's him that deals with the aftermath if things do go wrong.

For what it's worth, I'm with him on homebirths.

I don't think he's being unreasonable as such it's because he's worried and scared 30 minutes is far. However yes it's your body. I'm presuming everything's ok with pregnancy for you to have a home birth. Maybe get him to have a chat with midwife see if she can talk out any concerns with him.

SonicBoomBoom there are at least two, and often 3 midwives present at a homebody, and others are only a call away. I had 6 present at one point.

How far along are you?

The only guarantee regarding a labour experience is that it's an unknown. You both need to keep your minds open and communicate with each other.

But do consider that if your dh isn't able to overcome his worry and anxiety, this will cloud his capacity to support you during labour. Men (and women who haven't given birth) tend to find even very straightforward births frightening; he won't be able to be present for you and your needs if he's crippled with anxiety.

And that's if things go smoothly. People can have very well thought out plans that get thrown out of the window the moment that they develop preclampsia, waters break, reduced fetal movements etc.

My dh was extremely anxious about our children's births (based on past trauma). I realised very early on that he wouldn't necessarily be in the right place to support me, through no fault of his own. This was part of my reasons for requesting inductions (so that I didn't have to labour with just the two of us at home).

Would I have preferred to be at home? Of course. Did my dh have the resources to provide what I needed? No.

That's what I based my decisions on.

HTH.

IMO his feelings mean absolutely fuck all

What a nice helpful reply. This is the OPs husband - the person she loves and the babies Dad Yes I get all the "your body, your choice" posts but labour is only a 1 off experience - raising a child together is what having a baby is all about. And it wouldn't be a very good start to this journey if someone didnt think about the feelings of their partner, either way.

OP its not good that hes refusing to talk to you about this, hopefully he will as this isnt helping.