To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

very wise decision Listen. Well done for putting the safety of your baby first.

Homebirth is not 'risky'. With second births it presents no more risk than a hospital birth.

"The overall rate of negative outcomes (a composite of outcomes of death or serious complications) was 4.3 per 1000 births (95% confidence interval [CI] 3.3 to 5.5) and there was no difference between non-obstetric unit settings compared with obstetric units. This indicates that as a whole, home births are as safe as ones in medical settings."

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/births-at-home-or-in-hospital-risks-explained/

For first pregnancy, there is an increased risk for a negative risk with homebirth. It rises from 5 in 1000 to 9 in 1000.

That is increased risk, it's still not 'risky'.

For comparison, snowboarding (according to a four year study) has a rate of injury of 7 per 1000 visits. This is riskier than ski-ing but you don't have discussing on how snowboarding is risky, selfish behaviour and everyone should stick with ski-ing. Or maybe people do, it's not a sport I engage in.

(Study here www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/dec/30/is-skiing-the-worlds-most-dangerous-sport#comments)

It's your body and your choice.
However, my labour (first) with DS was all going fine until he got stuck and his heart rate dropped. We required a lot of help to get him out safety and I ended up needing a transfusion. I'm so so glad I was in hospital to deliver.

To reassure you I have given birth three times in a hospital birth centre and we went home same day all three times. They dont need a doctor to discharge you if everything is fine with you and baby the midwives have the authority to do this. So if everything goes to plan you will be able to leave same day you may not be able to visit the facilities but you should be able to get info from their website and reassure yourself. In my 3 labours i never have had to stay overnight on the ward which is what i most wanted to avoid. (I was in.labour overnight in all 3 cases so obviously timing played a part in this!)

I know you have made your decision but you shouldnt let posters tell you that HB are selfish or dangerous. If your midwife is happy for you to go ahead with HB then you are low risk and HB is a perfectly legitimate option.

Serious negative outcomes like death (whether mum or baby) are obviously awful and very eye-catching. However there are other types of risk.

Hospital births are actually a lot riskier if you look at the risks of a traumatic birth -- e.g. episiotomy rates, forceps usage rates, emergency c-section rates, etc etc. These can then have an impact on mental health, bonding with new baby, and breastfeeding.

I would point out that you may also want to give yourself the best chance of avoiding these other types of more minor but very common risk. Clinicians are understandably focused on avoiding the 'big' risks, and it can get quite 'better safe than sorry', but as a woman I know I will have to live with the consequences of those other 'smaller' AND MUCH MORE COMMON risks too. But those aren't on the radar for the clinicians in quite the same way, because their involvement is limited to the day of childbirth.

Is there any chance that you could either rent somewhere, or borrow somebody else's house, closer to hospital?

@SonicBoomBoom Many midwives choose their type of work consciously; e.g. some prefer being hospital midwives, and aren't at all comfortable doing home births, while others specifically choose to be community midwives because they prefer that environment and don't want to work in hospitals.

It's really a different type of work. Not all, but many, will have a very different skillset and experiences. E.g. hospital midwives will have experience of delivering extremely premature babies and NICU support, while community midwives won't -- community midwives will have more experience of managing natural (low risk) births without interventions.

I'm sorry I do think it's your body, however it's his baby and I assume if your are having a baby together you love each other.

I would 100% discuss the location of the birth with my husband, he may not have 'rights' but I value his input and would consider his concerns. What pain relief, whether to breastfeed etc are my choice as it's my body. But it's his baby too and his views should be considered

But - he is shutting down any discussion....

Bertie
I think the advice in your post was spot on and totally agree. The only thing is that the OP's husband is refusing to discuss it. So I think he needs to read your post too! (And I usually recoil in horror when people write "show him this thread"!)

Excellent post Bertie.

Surely the priority is safety, not 'the kind of birth' you'd like to have. Midwives pushing home births and fear-mongering over 'intervention' annoy me. Things can and do go wrong very quickly; is it worth risking your or your baby's life for the sake of a birthing pool??

It is one of those emotive topics where stats and assessment of risk are different for some people.

Homebirths are unequivocally safe for low risk women and the stats bear this out.

However, HCPs and women who have witnessed or been part of that process whereby a seeming low risk, straightforward delivery has gone to shit very very quickly will always feel that a birth away from a hospital carries inherent risk. There are unequivocally situations where having hospital staff on site who can organise blood products for haemorrhaging women, intubate, put lines in and give adrenaline to newborns and perform genuine "crash" GA sections can save lives.

I don't think stating that if you're in hospital you'll have no control and that there'll be an immediate cascade of intervention is particularly fair, but I don't think it's fair to state that all homebirths are inherently risky.

Personally I think 30 minutes away is too far but I'm fairly biased.

I havent read the whole thread but DPs EXW was rushed to hospital by ambulance during both of the homebirths she had. When we got together he said right at the start - homebirth is not ok for him again....too stressful and upsetting.

I totally respect his wishes and am currently 40+3 planning hospital birth. Also friend who is A&E dr and another friend who is consultant gynecologist have both said hospital is better for 1st baby - you have access to everything fast should you need it from a safety/comfort perspective.

I hope you can discuss it with your DH in greater detail and reach a happy conclusion xx

I do not think this man will go along with suggestions of starting the discussion again, mainly because there has been no discussion thanks to him refusing to discuss anything.

Therefore I suggest marriage counseling, and soon. They need to learn to communicate.

very wise decision Listen. Well done for putting the safety of your baby first.

Wow.

With a bit of effort you could have been even more fucking patronising.

Regarding the pool specifically, I was adamant I wanted to have a water birth, I absolutely love the water and wanted the pain relief from it etc. I had a fast, uncomplicated labour totally drug free and could not BEAR the thought of getting in the pool at any stage. When it came to it it just didn’t appeal at all. So perhaps don’t get so caught up on that one aspect of your labour.

I wouldn't. I had all sorts of ideas but no expectations. Expectations are a big reason for PND imo because you're so upset that things didn't go the way you wanted.

In my personal experience I had a textbook pregnancy. Better than textbook really. Lost weight, carried well, morning sickness was more like morning nausea. My main issue was sciatica and at 37 weeks my water broke, an hour from hospital. Still, no problem, progress was slow so we got to the hospital, checked in, and there started the monitoring. The monitors were struggling to pick him up because of the placenta so they attached one to his head. It was that one that picked up the fact that his heart rate dropped after a contraction. My labour pains weren't bad at all, totally manageable. I'd have just kept going. Based on the monitor though, my doc suggested a c-section. She said he wasn't in distress yet, but she sensed it was heading that way and I was only 4cm so she didn't want to risk it. He was measuring big anyway so again, no dramas.

The cord was around his neck quite tightly and his head was 36.5cm. He would have become stuck in the birth canal and he could have died if I waited for an ambulance.

His life is more important to me. Sure everything could have been fine, but I'd never forgive myself if it wasn't.

I thought I’d just chuck my thoughts in to this one for you op. Yes it’s your birth and not his so yes it is entirely up to you. I do think though he has valid concerns about this.

For me personally it would be a massive no, it’s your first child and (although every birth is different) it’s a completely unknown entity for you.

Yes a midwife will be there and they are fantastic at their job but if something were to go wrong (which I appreciate the chances are small) it may well come down to an ambulance.

I work for an ambulance service so can only go from what I know in regards to the service I work for. Once an ambulance is called your call will be categorised, if the birth is not ‘imminent’ it could take up to 20 minutes (possibly longer) for an ambulance to make it to you (that is if it doesn’t get diverted else where), they won’t have one on stand by. They won’t just chuck you on a stretcher and wheel you out. They will want to do their own checks as well take a handover from the midwife etc and then transfer you. A blue light transfer is not fun, fast or comfortable and it may well take close to the 30 minutes (so now you’d be upto an hour by the time you got to the hospital) it would normally take to get you to the hospital, blue lights runs are incredibly dangerous both for ambulances and other road users. Would you, if something were to go wrong, be willing to wait potentially for quite a long time for help to be available?

I think you need to look into this closely and gain all the information you can to make an informed decision. If you lived closer to the hospital I’d probably be saying go for it but you don’t and I think this is something you should definitely bare in mind.

Like I said it is ultimately your decision but I do think your dp only has yours and the baby’s best interest at heart. Good luck in whatever you decide and hope you get the perfect experience!

Sorry if this has already been answered but logistically (assuming that DH will be busy with his wife supporting her during labour) who sets the pool up in the house & empties it?

OP why not have it for the second birth when they often walk out with a grin carrying their suitcase

Also this is not a wife husband clash

This is as a PP said about focussing way way to much in the birth and what happen

The baby need to get out and you have no idea what form that exit will take . So long as you are both OK that's what important the room and style is irrelevant- is only a couple of days of your life

I absolutely think your husband and baby’s Dad has some input.

I wouldn’t have been allowed a home birth the first time as baby needed monitoring so would have been transferred early and wouldn’t have been too stressful. The second time I have a textbook, smooth labour in the midwife led centre in the pool (incidentally, if the birthing pools weren’t available, each room had a massive bath in the en suite you could use but not actually deliver in).

I then haemorraghed (couldn’t have been predicted) and was in theatre within about 45 mins with 11 medical staff. Whereas potentially the outcome hopefully would have been the same as they are well trained, it would have been so scary and stressful to have waited for an ambulance and I’d have realised full seriousness of the problem. As midwives would have been looking after me they wouldn’t have been able to do any clearing up so my poor husband or family would have had to clear up the blood bath that it was.

I had a reasonably large pph after my first and midwives cleaned it up x

Sorry - no idea why the kiss!

There's an enormous amount of guff being spouted on this thread - a mixture of irrelevant anecdote, personal opinion, dogma and false facts.

The only way to make a sensible decision on this, OP, is to study the evidence. In particular, the Birthplace Study of 2011 undertaken by he NPEU, which was the most wide ranging study on the subject of home births.

For women like yourself having a first baby in a planned home birth, the results showed:

1. 990 out of 1000 births went well, without any complications

2. there were 9.3 'adverse outcomes' per 1000 births compared to 5.3 for women having a hospital birth. This can be anything from difficulty getting the baby out, fetal distress and death, maternal bleeding, vaginal tears etc etc that require hospital intervention.

So basically the evidence shows that whilst overwhelmingly most home births will be fine, you risks with a first baby if things do go wrong will be almost double the same risks if you were to have a hospital birth.

The question you need to ask yourself is whether a) you're happy that you'll probably be one of the 990 women in 1000 who have an uncomplicated home birth and b) you're willing to risk the chance that you may be one of the 10 in 1000 for whom things don't go well, in which scenario you're twice as likely to have major issues than if you were in hospital.

I'm a man, and a medical professional. So is my wife. Neither of us would contemplate having a child out of hospital simply because for us that risk is too large, and we've seen how when things go wrong they go badly wrong. Your choice may be different.