To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

This is a really hard dilemma. But you only get one shot at delivering your child safely, so i sympathise with both you and your DH.

I am glad that I chose to give birth in the hospital. I didn’t want a birthing pool as I imagined I’d feel really exposed and embarrassed being naked in a pool and there is a fair amount of - ahem - evacuation of everything else that could be in the way when the baby comes out, and I was mortified by idea of the little net that the midwives have to use to fish out the 💩

I had a really nice hospital birth though: I could move around, use a birthing ball, play music and feel comfortable. As it was, dc1 had a bit of trouble breathing to begin with, which was very frightening and we had no sign of it during the birth, until he came out blue and didn’t turn pink. The hospital saved his life. It didn’t take them long to sort him out, but it seemed like ages to me. If we’d been at home, it’s likely that the oxygen deprivation would have resulted in lifelong injuries. He’s fine.

I had dc2 in hospital because of my experience with dc1. This time, baby dc2 was fine and practically came out yelling and pink (and very oxygenated!). But I lost an awful lot of blood (it was written down as 1mm less than the amount which would be described as a haemorrhage). This time it was my life that was at risk, and which the hospital sorted out in a short period of time.

Because of this, I am very much in favour of hospital births. I think it is unfair that women are provided with a view of the risks of home birth which is heavily influenced by the fact they are so much cheaper than hospital births.

sorry to be thick, I am not a stats person but if a person goes into trauma at home then gets transferred to hospital but she or the baby dies, will that come under a home birth?

OP I think you might have got the wrong end of the stick about the birth pool - the midwives don't bring one to a homebirth, you have to hire it in advance and have it set up ready in your birth room. It's only guaranteed in the sense that it's in your house so no one else is going to be using it!
I opted for homebirths for both of mine, with full support of all the midwives I encountered (and it's community midwives who attend the birth, no resources are taken away from the hospital). I knew it was the right option for me but it isn't for everyone. You have to weigh up your desire to labour in a safe, familiar environment (and that's an extremely valid desire, which if met may help your labour to progress better), with the potential risks. But I can't imagine having done it with the full support of my partner. Also just to add that I know many women, including myself, who've had straightforward homebirths with their first babies. They're not the impossible thing mumsnet would have you believe.

Without the support!

sorry just seen its already been said that the birth is called HB throughout.

I was crying with pain trying to get on the hospital wheel chair when I went onto labour ward and years later with no 2, I burst into tears when i saw the lift doors because I was in that much pain.

sorry forgot to add I just could not imagine any more pain that I had - ie being transferred, later on I could barely move from bed to ball.

When it comes down to it, your opinion doesn't matter, his opinion doesn't matter, it's all about the safety of the baby. That has to be at the forefront of your mind at all times.
You can dream of giving birth on a cloud, surrounded by pixies singing 'don't worry' but at the end of the day, it's not really about you. Well I mean it is obviously, but the first and most important thing in the world is getting your baby out safely.
So many people use the 'well if mum is happy then that's good for baby' bullshit. It's not about you and keeping you happy. It's about keeping your child healthy, safe and alive. Sometimes that means sucking it up and doing things we don't want to do.

Sayyouwill ghats really unfair. HB is a perfectly valid choice and very encouraged in some health trusts. I know many people who've had very positive ones. It's hardly controversial.

Unfortunately OP I agree with your DH. I wouldn't take the risk. I have no doubt that many home births can be lovely but I know where I'd prefer to be if anything went wrong.

I will never understand why so many women are reluctant to give birth in hospital. It is the safest place you can be

It really wasn't IME. It felt very very unsafe.

@LillianGish to go back to your earlier post, outcomes in the 2010 study were recorded by planned place of birth - so a baby born in hospital following a transfer from a planned home birth counted in the home birth stats even if it ended up as a CS.

Sadly I'm with haveagobletofblood on this. When pregnant we seem to spend 9 months obsessing over the birth and want it to be all candles and soft music and woo. I've been at the other end of the spectrum of crash carts and being dragged into theatre and having the worst possible outcome. I personally just opted to follow whatever guidelines the hospital suggested, and now that I'm pregnant again am having an ELCS.. but I think there's too much focus on "not wanting interventions", wanting calm birth etc etc. All v well and good but last time I checked something like 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 births in the U.K. involves significant interventions (forceps / ventouse / episiotomy / EMCS).

I'm all for people aiming for vaginal births in whatever environment makes them comfortable but before you start imagining all these women in India who squat in the field and give birth while letting out a gentle moan please remember that many of them die. Many of their babies die. That's the flip side of all this "natural/woo"-ness.

And in this country we set up somewhere between a quarter and a third of new mothers to be disappointed and traumatised by their birth experience because of unrealistic expectations.

That hospitals are horrendous in many places because of underfunding is a separate reason for outrage. But they're still the places with blood / icus / nicus / operating theatres and qualified personnel.

I had my home birth all planned. The day I was supposed to pick up the birthing pool I developed HELLP syndrome and nearly died. Luckily I'm 10 minutes from hospital.

I have seen some amazing lovely calm homebirths on youtube, always thought I would love one of those. My first natural birth was chaos and I had to push for 2 hours as my DD had her arm over her head. If I had been at home I would have completely panicked, I am so glad I was in safe hands at the hospital.

As someone whose home birth went completely tits up...30 mins is too far to be away from a hospital. Honestly.

I would advise against a home birth. The NHS is really trying to push them but it just seems foolish to give birth in your own home when you have a reasonably good medical facility at hand (unless hospitals stress you out). At any rate birth of you have to accept that it is likely that things will not be exactly as you expected of you planned. I would suggest that you (both) don't let this come between you.

OP I think you might have got the wrong end of the stick about the birth pool - the midwives don't bring one to a homebirth, you have to hire it in advance and have it set up ready in your birth room. It's only guaranteed in the sense that it's in your house so no one else is going to be using it!

I really haven’t - MW has said to me very clearly that you’re guaranteed one at home for them to bring but you’re not guaranteed at hospital

@Bubblebubblepop what was unfair about my post? Where did I say that a HB was controversial? I said that the top priority should be baby's safety. Unless you're disputing that I don't see what you don't agree with?

Sayyouwill, your post about giving birth on a cloud, surrounded by pixies really is not helpful. To imagine that women who try for a home birth are a load of fruit loops is just ridiculous. FWIW, my own desire for a home birth was an entirely personal decision. I had not been to NCT classes (I had never even heard of the NCT), and was certainly not influenced by crap about clouds and pixies. I just wanted a drug-free, intervention-free birth in familiar surroundings. It didn't work out, as it happens. But plans were in place for that eventuality. OP: if you do go for a home birth, do check that there is a back-up plan, just in case things start to go amiss.

Things can go wrong very quickly. And if they do at the last minute then an ambiulance isn’t going to get you there fast enough.

Home birthing is risky especially for your first when you don’t have any idea how you will labour.

It is your body but it is your husbands baby as well as yours. If he doesn’t want that risk I think you should respect that. Could you live with yourself if something did happen to the baby?

I think if your midwife (the person after you most knowledgeable about your pregnancy) is comfortable with your idea then I would go ahead butclear on the possible issues.

I had two hospital births, neither relaxing, but I had a complicated medical history. My DS had the cord round his neck and I was cut - I was grateful for being so close to a theatre, they took me there expecting to do a c-section but worked around him As a result I wouldn't consider a home birth but I do understand why other women do.

I'd imagine his first priority is the safety of the baby and you. What a bastard.

Well that's pretty awesome, I've never heard of that - good service wherever you live!

I'm confused say you will. If that whole post, including the pixie line and this:
"When it comes down to it, your opinion doesn't matter, his opinion doesn't matter, it's all about the safety of the baby"

Was about nothing but trying to say babies safety comes first why was the post so aggressive?

Do you really think home northern don't put their babies safety first? What do you think they prioritise ahead of this?

Basically it's a risk..a risk to your babies life,by being id say an hour from a hospital,factoring in the time everything takes and that yr 30 mins away..but ambulance has to be sent,if free ,you need to be loaded on etc etc....it's a risk I decided not to take ,you could have water birth in hospital,with dimmed lights beautiful music,no interference,I had 2 lovely relaxing births in hospital,with no mess after to clear up.