To go against DH and labour how I want?

[ListenToYourself]

DH is dead against me having a home birth and shuts the topic down very quickly.

He doesn’t want me to have one and thinks it’s just too dangerous as the hospital is 30 minute drive away anyway.

It’s what I really want. I would feel so much better labouring in my own home, preferably in a pool, which MW has said I’m guaranteed to have access to, unlike the birthing centre where they may not be one available.

DH isn’t keen on the birthing in water idea either, even in a hospital. And says “but if you really must”.

I can’t really afford to rent one out on the off chance the birthing centre don’t have one available.

I’m willing to go into hospital at the first sign of trouble, no issues there at all. At least I got what I wanted - to try a home birth.

But it’s not practical, apparently. And he says even though I am the one in labour, how he feels counts too, since he’s my birthing partner and I don’t want anyone else there.

I agree how he feels does count too, but he won’t even listen to my MW who agrees that it is safe and it isn’t a big risk.

He just feels too anxious about it.

Where do I go from here, since he just won’t listen?

I would feel just so much more relaxed knowing I can try a home birth. I would love to

My first labour was 40 minutes long so DS got very distressed, couldn't find his heartbeat etc. Absolutely no way I would have got to hospital in time if I wasn't already there. 1.5 hours of stitches afterwards. Soooo so glad I was in hospital. I never know whether to say this to friends considering a home birth IRL, because I wouldn't want to discourage them from what their heart is set on, but if I had been at home I dread to think what would have happened to DS. Midwives proabably wouldn't even have arrived in that time let alone an ambulance and complete hospital transfer!

Hmm, while it's reassuring for home births that there are usually two or more midwives present (or 6! shock ), I think that's a shocking use of resources, when women in hospital don't even have 1.

Yes, I agree! Not to mention all these ambulances which are apparently on standby

It is absolutely your body your choice.

However my first was a 35 hrs labour, episiotomy, stitches and a scary moment where they could not find DS's heartbeat and brought in a resuscitation trolley. I had 4 midwives with me and DH. It was painful exhausting and terrifying. And yes yes yes to incredibly messy. Lots of people have much easier births than me but you do not know what sort of labour you will have especially first time. I am naturally cautious and did want the hospital birth in case there was a problem. I did have a 2nd child as well also in hospital.

What is with the ridiculous posts saying it’s say FA to do with the husband? Of course it does- it is his baby too and he is understandably worried.

I wouldn’t have a home birth in this situation with a 30 minute drive.

giving birth is a really messy business and it's lovely being wheeled out of the hospital delivery room knowing someone else will clean up the blood, vomit, wee and poo!

Which is also what happens at home, or do you think that you give birth and then set to with the marigolds and jay cloths?

It is completely your decision op.

Chances are I would have died if I’d had a home birth (massive pph). Please do listen to your husbands concerns.

I've not read the replies but I was in the same situation (although hospital was closer). It didn't help that midwives spoke nonsense and told him that I wouldn't be allowed to go to hospital ever if I booked a home birth. I was low risk and there was no reason to think anything untoward would happen.

It's your body but you're carrying something which is also his and as such he has the right to a say in what happens.

We spoke a lot about what he was worried about with a home birth and pinpointed specific concerns he had about the birth and we came up with plans about what would happen if those concerns became a reality whether it was at home or at hospital. We ended up compromising. We agreed on a home birth unless anything went off plan or if, during the birth him or the midwives felt I needed to be in hospital. This gave him the reassurance he needed.

A large part of his concern was that he didn't realise I'd put a lot of thought into it and had reseaeched it and it was an educated decision, not something I just thought would be fun. Once he realised I had looked at all the outcomes and what-ifs he did relax into it. He never came round fully to it but did agree to it.

Hmm, while it's reassuring for home births that there are usually two or more midwives present (or 6! shock ), I think that's a shocking use of resources, when women in hospital don't even have 1.

They are not taking midwives off a ward! Home births are attended by community midwives who would be either doing that or being on call. The issue of too few midwives in hospitals has nothing to do with the number of community midwives used in a home birth. Unless you would happily do away wih community teams so every pregnant woman has to travel to her nearest hospital for every single appoinment instead of getting bookings in, check ups etc in a local clinic/GPs?

I understand where the OP is coming from in terms of wanting to feel in control.

I had my first in hospital - I felt lost and confused, it felt very medical, and it all made the pain worse.

I was also ignored by the over-stretched staff way beyond what was safe. Monitoring that should have taken place did not happen, and I was left to labour alone with a distressed baby for a long time.

I had my second at home and I did feel much more safe and in control. The labour was just as long and painful, but much easier to cope with.

We had two midwives checking us whenever it was needed, looking out for any problems, and reassuring us. I felt cared for and safe.

After the birth I had a huge PPH, and was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

BUT I wasn't half an hour's drive from the hospital - I was 12 minutes drive even with traffic. That is what really stands out to me about the OP's post. I'm not sure I'd have had a homebirth if I was that far from the hospital.

It's hard - we ought to be able to go into hospital to give birth and be able to trust that we'll be cared for and kept safe. But I just don't believe we can assume that, based on my experience and many others.

Whilst in A&E, I saw the 999 ambulance lines not being answered for over 10 minutes

The 999 lines as you put it go to a call centre, not direct to A and E what a load of rubbish!

Seems to me ur dh is worrying about your health and baby's health and you're worrying about whether you can have a birth in water or not? I'm with your dh.

Admittedly I think its bizarre to have a choice bt having lots of expert medical help beside you or not, and choosing not.

And to counter the first births take ages, no they don't necessarily.

*Hmm, while it's reassuring for home births that there are usually two or more midwives present (or 6! shock ), I think that's a shocking use of resources, when women in hospital don't even have 1.

Yes, I agree! Not to mention all these ambulances which are apparently on standby hmm*

I thought the reason to give birth in hospital is that you have all the resources of hospital right there? So now it's you just have 1 midwife and that's the fault of all these selfish homebirthers? indeed.

The home birth midwifery team is a different team from that on a maternity unit. You have two for safety and because.... you're not at hospital.

Ambulances are always on standby, waiting emergencies - which is what it would be if someone having a homebirth needed transferring. the call would be triaged.

Home births for low risk mothers are cheapest delivery option in terms of costs to NHS www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/study-says-home-births-cost-effective/

I am by no means anti giving birth in hospital but some of this speculation is silly!

Actually, what's coming out of reading this for me, is that women opt for home births because hospital births are so bloody horrendous. It's really not on in the 21st century that women are treated like this at such a dangerous and vulnerable time.

To be honest, you really can't be sure that an ambulance would come straight away. And if it did, that could still be too long. I think you owe it to the baby to be in hospital.

"
Actually, what's coming out of reading this for me, is that women opt for home births because hospital births are so bloody horrendous. It's really not on in the 21st century that women are treated like this at such a dangerous and vulnerable time."

Completely agree. Not necessary that it's always very dangerous - in a straightforward pregnancy and birth the risks are low - but it can be dangerous, and the hospital care many women and babies get is just not good enough.

Not necessarily

Since when are 999 calls answered at A&E?!!

You’re always going to get polarised opinions on here and people effectively damning you for not making the same choice as them.

I’d suggest going on the Home Birth UK Facebook page and they will be able to give you the information you need.

I wouldn’t risk a first birth at home personally.

People often assume that hospital births carry lower risk (assuming like for like pregnancies) simply because they contain theatres, surgeons and skilled staff.

However most labouring women in hospital see precious little of those skilled staff and may well find themselves accelerated or monitored to death, which itself increases the rate of complications. I found the stress levels in hospital also much higher.

I've done it both ways - the quality and expertise of care was so much greater at home. If I could go back I'd have my first at home as well. The well meaning but inexperienced, overstretched junior midwife and the SHO on his first week in midwifery accelerated a perfectly normal labour because they were focused on equipment and clocks and not me.

I only avoided a CS because a Senior Reg came onto the ward for another patient and looked in - it was luck, he hadn't been called. The theatre they were prepping for the emergency CS gave a wait time longer than the projected journey by ambulance from my house. The complications I had were caused entirely by the lack of expertise in care.

The experience and care I had at home was in a different league, which in itself reduces risk.

A midwife led birthing unit may be a good compromise for many women (especially if there are complications which would suggest home birth is less suitable) but there seem to be precious few women with good access to them and all their facilities.

LagunaBubbles whilst I haven't expressed that well necessarily, what I was saying was not "rubbish" and certainly not funny, despite your grin. I know that 999 calls are not answered in A&E... I was sitting in A&E with my badly injured mother, and the A&E staff were calling 999 to obtain an ambulance to transfer her to another hospital, and were after two as they had another patient who needed emergency surgery. They had the 'phone on loud speaker, and it just rang and rang with an automated message saying "thank you for calling the emergency ambulance service...". The staff were incredulous. It was at least 10 minutes that it remained unanswered, possibly longer. It was scary.

I recently had a miscarriage at 14.5 weeks, I also have a 17 month old girl.

At 14.5 weeks my baby was born alive on my bathroom floor. An ambulance was called straight away. It was a terrifying experience and it felt like it took forever for the ambulance to get there and get to hospital. My poor husband felt absolutely helpless and was pretty scared himself. It wasn't a busy time of day, the hospital is only 15 minutes away but it honestly felt like I endured hours of a deeply scary situation.

Is there not an option of a midwife led centre (there is one attached to my hospital) it is a nice private and attentive experience. Is there definitely only 1 birthing pool? Would labouring at home in a pool be an option then going in to hospital in later stages? I went to the midwife led centre for my first baby and was then transferred to a (private) ward room later on as I needed an epidural - baby had moved partially back to back and took a very long time to get out. It is of course your birth but in my experience out of my friends the ones who had a very fixed idea about the type of birth they wanted are the ones who felt most disappointed as invariably things do change as it is not a predictable process. Your husband definitely should do more research but with prospect of you and your baby being in a scary position if things were to go awry must be extremely worrying for him as he probably already feels a bit helpless anyway.

Actually, what's coming out of reading this for me, is that women opt for home births because hospital births are so bloody horrendous. It's really not on in the 21st century that women are treated like this at such a dangerous and vulnerable time.

^This

Sure you can aim for a home birth, chances are you won’t have one though. Out of my NCT group of nine four had EMCS, four had forceps and episiotomys and one had a water birth.

By private I meant I was on my own - not that I had paid for a solo room! Oh and with the epidural I was still able to move and feel comfortable and in control which wasn't what I had expected from everything I had read about epidurals.