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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking DH to get up to check out downstairs

103 replies

buzz17 · 20/10/2017 06:48

I haven't done this in a while, but did it last night at 3:15.
Something woke me up, I'm not sure what but I was suddenly wide awake and on alert.

It almost sounded like a light switch.
I got up to see if my dining room light (leads to the stairs) was on - it wasn't.
Then I noticed my cat was on my DD bed so I booted him off.
So he buggered off downstairs, but then he meowed. And I'm sure I heard him do another noise.

All of this around DH snoring which always makes my anxiety worse.
My anxiety is also slightly higher at the moment as I'm coming off epilepsy tablets which can be used to help with anxiety, bipolar and a few other things.. although I only used them for epilepsy.
Whenever I'm pregnant (I am now) I always have more irrational fears of being broken into, no idea why!

I already freak out about noises during the night, it's the one thing I'm petrified of and he knows it. I've had reoccurring dreams about it, where I can't scream. Somebody once tried to get into my mums sliding door when I was asleep in the room next to it. Luckily I had DH sleeping over that night so he was there with me.

So at 3:30 I woke DH up and asked him to investigate. He said no.
I said "but you're the man and I'm scared.. please"
He said no again.
I said "I guess I'm up now then"
After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

He was down there for a while - so I'm thinking maybe he had a cigarette and I heard him go in the fridge. So he can't have been too bothered by getting up.
I also apologised when he came back to bed.

But AIBU waking him up because I'm scared? Should I have investigated myself?
I'm not happy that he called me a fucking dickhead so I will have words about that.

OP posts:
AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:37

Jump on a thread? Or just answer it like every one else? Hmm

You were wrong, I corrected you. Don't be pissy about it.

But even if it was, he should realise that pregnancy can make you very anxious and reassure her - e.g. put extra kicks on the doors, get a motion sensor alarm / cameras or whatever

Can' she fit her own locks or buy a camera? I'm objecting to this "poor little woman needs the man to do everything for her" trope. Aren't we a bit past all that?

Evelynismyspyname · 20/10/2017 10:41

I was not wrong Andrew - I said he had no right to swear at his wife. Unless you are very obtuse indeed you will have the comprehension skills to understand that I was not suggesting she take him to court because he had broken the law, but was talking about a moral right.

You have absolutely no authority what so ever to correct me on that. You can express a different opinion. Your opinion is no more valid than mine and is not fact.

Crescend0 · 20/10/2017 10:43

It's called being helpful and supportive Andrew. My DH sorted the security because everybody needs peace of mind and he's away a lot. We live in a supposedly "safe" area, but you never know. Many of our neighbours have been broken into by thieves looking for car keys. We had an attempted beak in last year which the police suspected was for this reason. It happens a lot.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:44

Helpful and supportive has limits. Especially at 3am.

treeofhearts · 20/10/2017 10:44

I would be pissed off to be woken in the night to check downstairs tbh even with the history. But then I wouldn't wake DP to do it, I'd grab a weapon and check myself.

dantdmistedious · 20/10/2017 10:45

Op I know you said you are coming off them but are you aware that valproate is contraindicated in pregnancy?

HamSandWitches · 20/10/2017 10:48

Could you be getting sleep paralysis. I get it and also false awakenings, always seems worse between 3 and 4am

Original poster
buzz17 · 20/10/2017 10:48

@AndrewJames
I definitely don't wake him every night. Most nights I'm fully aware that it's the cat because he likes to play with anything he can find on the floor (pencils/coat toggles even lego!). Or bring nice/birds in.

My children are 4 and 5 so they leave random little bits every where that a cat would notice. The cat is only 3 so still very playful.

The reason it freaked me out so much was because it sounded like a light switch. And I did get up to peer over the banister.
Which is when I noticed that the cat was upstairs so it wasn't anything he had been playing with that made a noise instead.

I got the cat off DD clothes and he went downstairs.. but he started meowing like he does when we're downstairs. I hadn't heard him do that before.

He's better at using the drill, I've tried and I'm pretty crap at it. And also better with technology stuff.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 20/10/2017 10:51

The dream about not being able to scream is common.

Google 'hypnogogia'. It's where you wake up convinced you've heard a noise (I used to hear the phone ringing), but it's really in your dream. It might help you to realise that some of the 'noises' you are hearing aren't real.

Original poster
buzz17 · 20/10/2017 10:52

@dantdmistedious I'm fully off it now, but have only been for 2 days so it's still in my system but leaving.

I know all the issues/risks, which is why the consultant started the weaning off straight away and had me off them as soon as possible.

I was on it with both of my children and they are (so thankfully!) fully healthy. It didn't cause them any damage.

But I think they decided to take me off now because of how much it's been in the news!

OP posts:
Slimthistime · 20/10/2017 11:10

You just posted a picture of where you live. You can't be that concerned about security.

wornoutboots · 20/10/2017 11:15

I would wake my husband too - because last time I didn't (fortunately it wasn't anyone in the house after all) and I investigated by myself he was awake (he's a fairly light sleeper) by the time I got back to bed and was really upset that "anything could have happened to you if there was someone in the house and I would want to be there to help"

plus he tells me to wake him if I'm upset or scared anyway.

I don't think you were at all unreasonable.

Original poster
buzz17 · 20/10/2017 12:47

@Slimthistime I posted a picture of some houses near a park.. that could literally be anywhere 🙄

They news around here never posted about that man breaking into the house. And I've just googled but the town I live in didn't even come up when I searched.

Quite a few others did so clearly people like to use a meat cleaver 😱

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/10/2017 12:55

I got the cat off DD clothes and he went downstairs.. but he started meowing like he does when we're downstairs. I hadn't heard him do that before

He was probably pissed off at the rude awakening and eviction, poor puss harps on the same point

splendidisolation · 20/10/2017 13:34

So very unreasonable. "But you're a man!"???
Just....ewww.

I don't think pregnancy or anxiety really excuse that, you need to learn to take care of yourself.

Original poster
buzz17 · 20/10/2017 16:09

I don't particularly understand why people are saying I shouldn't say "you're a man"

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family.
If he isn't present, then obviously it would be me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/10/2017 16:13

I don't particularly understand why people are saying I shouldn't say "you're a man"

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family.

They're disagreeing with your opinion that the man should be "the protector of the family". We're not in the 50's any more.

SuzukiLi · 20/10/2017 16:19

I think I'd have called you a lot worse if you woke me at 3am!

PoeDameronLovesFinn · 20/10/2017 16:29

After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

This is the bit I have a problem with. He's entitled to be pissed off by being woken at 3am, but calling someone a fing anything is a bit over-the-line for me. If he'd said 'fing hell' or 'f*s sake' it wouldn't be so bad, that's just grumbling.

CopperSpoons · 20/10/2017 16:38

Sorry, but living with someone like you would just drive me up the wall. If my OH was regularly waking me at 3am to check for imaginary burglars I would be livid, and would be very cutting in my reply.

Your behaviour is very childish and selfish. You need to get proper help for your anxiety and stop using your DH as a sticking plaster.

And statistically you are far more likely to get burgled during the daytime when the house is empty.

TonicAndTonic · 20/10/2017 16:46

I don't particularly understand why people are saying I shouldn't say "you're a man"

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family

That was actually the only bit of the story I think YABU about! To my mind, adults should protect the kids, and adults should protect each other. You DH should be a bit more the protector to you at the moment because he's your partner and you're pregnant, but for that reason, not purely because he's a man!

Crumbs1 · 20/10/2017 16:50

Isn’t a relationship about each giving to it what they can and helping each other? I’m perfectly capable of going and checking out noises but my husband likes to do it, if necessary. Likewise he’s not keen on wasps so I would sort that.
It’s nice to look after each other. It’s not about some perverse need to prove you can do everything just as well as a man - in my marriage that’s a given but he is physically stronger so brings the logs in from the woodstore in return I am a whole lot better at cooking. I know I can bring the logs in so no need to prove myself. Likewise it’s not unreasonable for him to check out a noise if you are scared.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 17:07

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family

God, really? That is truly depressing.

Papafran · 20/10/2017 17:13

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family

Of course Hmm

Original poster
buzz17 · 20/10/2017 19:14

Of course I would protect the children regardless of if DH was here.
But if somebody was downstairs, who is more intimidating? A 5ft3 pregnant lady in a pink onesie - or a 5ft10 broad shouldered man?

I've said already that it isn't a frequent thing - other than last night, I can't remember the last time I did it.

I woke up at 1am the other night and DH had left the dining room light on. I knew he hadn't been in bed that long because he'd disturbed me getting in bed.
I didn't wake him up, I crept downstairs - scared. Turned it off and ran as fast as I could up the stairs.

I'm the kind of person who runs up the stairs when all the lights downstairs are off.

OP posts:
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