Asking DH to get up to check out downstairs

[buzz17]

I haven't done this in a while, but did it last night at 3:15.
Something woke me up, I'm not sure what but I was suddenly wide awake and on alert.

It almost sounded like a light switch.
I got up to see if my dining room light (leads to the stairs) was on - it wasn't.
Then I noticed my cat was on my DD bed so I booted him off.
So he buggered off downstairs, but then he meowed. And I'm sure I heard him do another noise.

All of this around DH snoring which always makes my anxiety worse.
My anxiety is also slightly higher at the moment as I'm coming off epilepsy tablets which can be used to help with anxiety, bipolar and a few other things.. although I only used them for epilepsy.
Whenever I'm pregnant (I am now) I always have more irrational fears of being broken into, no idea why!

I already freak out about noises during the night, it's the one thing I'm petrified of and he knows it. I've had reoccurring dreams about it, where I can't scream. Somebody once tried to get into my mums sliding door when I was asleep in the room next to it. Luckily I had DH sleeping over that night so he was there with me.

So at 3:30 I woke DH up and asked him to investigate. He said no.
I said "but you're the man and I'm scared.. please"
He said no again.
I said "I guess I'm up now then"
After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

He was down there for a while - so I'm thinking maybe he had a cigarette and I heard him go in the fridge. So he can't have been too bothered by getting up.
I also apologised when he came back to bed.

But AIBU waking him up because I'm scared? Should I have investigated myself?
I'm not happy that he called me a fucking dickhead so I will have words about that.

[buzz17]

So basically I should spend over an hour listening for a noise that isn’t there, and struggling to get back to sleep because every time I do drift off - DH snoring jolts me awake and I’m back on edge like a meerkat?

Baring in mind I have to get up with our children at 7. Or whenever they wake up.

Rather than disturb him for 5 minutes rarely when he doesn’t have to get up for another 6 hours?
If he was so pissed off with me, then he wouldn’t stay awake until I’m asleep again (his choice). Surely he would huff back upstairs, get into bed and sleep with his back to me?!

[LonginesPrime]

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family.

YABU for all of it, but especially this.

If you’re grown up enough to be a parent, surely you can see that it’s not reasonable to wake someone else up in the middle of the night because you’re a bit scared? Either go and investigate yourself or try to go back to sleep.

[Crescend0]

OP you do not need to defend yourself to Andrew et al on this issue. Take no notice of people feigning shock about the idea that most men would protect their family in a burglar- type scenario. Firstly, it's not really likely to be a female intruder, is it? Secondly, if physical size / strength doesn't matter, then why don't we all just send the kids down to confront burglars?

I hope you have had strong words with your DH about the name he called you. One of our cats wakes me up at 4am nearly every night, but I have never called him a f** dickhead. Similarly, I had 6 years of getting up most nights with babies - did I ever feel the need to talk to them that way? Or insult DH while I was at it? No I did not.

If the cat brings a mouse in or if I think there is a burglar then I would not hesitate to wake DH up and he has never moaned or insulted me. I would be livid, sorry. I do hope he has apologised big time for crossing that line.

[buzz17]

Of course I would protect the children regardless of if DH was here.
But if somebody was downstairs, who is more intimidating? A 5ft3 pregnant lady in a pink onesie - or a 5ft10 broad shouldered man?

I've said already that it isn't a frequent thing - other than last night, I can't remember the last time I did it.

I woke up at 1am the other night and DH had left the dining room light on. I knew he hadn't been in bed that long because he'd disturbed me getting in bed.
I didn't wake him up, I crept downstairs - scared. Turned it off and ran as fast as I could up the stairs.

I'm the kind of person who runs up the stairs when all the lights downstairs are off.

[Papafran]

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family

Of course

[AndrewJames]

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family

God, really? That is truly depressing.

[Crumbs1]

Isn’t a relationship about each giving to it what they can and helping each other? I’m perfectly capable of going and checking out noises but my husband likes to do it, if necessary. Likewise he’s not keen on wasps so I would sort that.
It’s nice to look after each other. It’s not about some perverse need to prove you can do everything just as well as a man - in my marriage that’s a given but he is physically stronger so brings the logs in from the woodstore in return I am a whole lot better at cooking. I know I can bring the logs in so no need to prove myself. Likewise it’s not unreasonable for him to check out a noise if you are scared.

[TonicAndTonic]

I don't particularly understand why people are saying I shouldn't say "you're a man"

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family

That was actually the only bit of the story I think YABU about! To my mind, adults should protect the kids, and adults should protect each other. You DH should be a bit more the protector to you at the moment because he's your partner and you're pregnant, but for that reason, not purely because he's a man!

[CopperSpoons]

Sorry, but living with someone like you would just drive me up the wall. If my OH was regularly waking me at 3am to check for imaginary burglars I would be livid, and would be very cutting in my reply.

Your behaviour is very childish and selfish. You need to get proper help for your anxiety and stop using your DH as a sticking plaster.

And statistically you are far more likely to get burgled during the daytime when the house is empty.

[PoeDameronLovesFinn]

After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

This is the bit I have a problem with. He's entitled to be pissed off by being woken at 3am, but calling someone a fing anything is a bit over-the-line for me. If he'd said 'fing hell' or 'f*s sake' it wouldn't be so bad, that's just grumbling.

[SuzukiLi]

I think I'd have called you a lot worse if you woke me at 3am!

[PurpleDaisies]

I don't particularly understand why people are saying I shouldn't say "you're a man"

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family.

They're disagreeing with your opinion that the man should be "the protector of the family". We're not in the 50's any more.

[buzz17]

I don't particularly understand why people are saying I shouldn't say "you're a man"

In my opinion, the man is the protector of the family.
If he isn't present, then obviously it would be me.

[splendidisolation]

So very unreasonable. "But you're a man!"???
Just....ewww.

I don't think pregnancy or anxiety really excuse that, you need to learn to take care of yourself.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I got the cat off DD clothes and he went downstairs.. but he started meowing like he does when we're downstairs. I hadn't heard him do that before

He was probably pissed off at the rude awakening and eviction, poor puss harps on the same point

[buzz17]

@Slimthistime I posted a picture of some houses near a park.. that could literally be anywhere 🙄

They news around here never posted about that man breaking into the house. And I've just googled but the town I live in didn't even come up when I searched.

Quite a few others did so clearly people like to use a meat cleaver 😱

[wornoutboots]

I would wake my husband too - because last time I didn't (fortunately it wasn't anyone in the house after all) and I investigated by myself he was awake (he's a fairly light sleeper) by the time I got back to bed and was really upset that "anything could have happened to you if there was someone in the house and I would want to be there to help"

plus he tells me to wake him if I'm upset or scared anyway.

I don't think you were at all unreasonable.

[Slimthistime]

You just posted a picture of where you live. You can't be that concerned about security.

[buzz17]

@dantdmistedious I'm fully off it now, but have only been for 2 days so it's still in my system but leaving.

I know all the issues/risks, which is why the consultant started the weaning off straight away and had me off them as soon as possible.

I was on it with both of my children and they are (so thankfully!) fully healthy. It didn't cause them any damage.

But I think they decided to take me off now because of how much it's been in the news!

[Zaphodsotherhead]

The dream about not being able to scream is common.

Google 'hypnogogia'. It's where you wake up convinced you've heard a noise (I used to hear the phone ringing), but it's really in your dream. It might help you to realise that some of the 'noises' you are hearing aren't real.

[buzz17]

@AndrewJames
I definitely don't wake him every night. Most nights I'm fully aware that it's the cat because he likes to play with anything he can find on the floor (pencils/coat toggles even lego!). Or bring nice/birds in.

My children are 4 and 5 so they leave random little bits every where that a cat would notice. The cat is only 3 so still very playful.

The reason it freaked me out so much was because it sounded like a light switch. And I did get up to peer over the banister.
Which is when I noticed that the cat was upstairs so it wasn't anything he had been playing with that made a noise instead.

I got the cat off DD clothes and he went downstairs.. but he started meowing like he does when we're downstairs. I hadn't heard him do that before.

He's better at using the drill, I've tried and I'm pretty crap at it. And also better with technology stuff.

[HamSandWitches]

Could you be getting sleep paralysis. I get it and also false awakenings, always seems worse between 3 and 4am

[dantdmistedious]

Op I know you said you are coming off them but are you aware that valproate is contraindicated in pregnancy?

[AndrewJames]

Helpful and supportive has limits. Especially at 3am.

[treeofhearts]

I would be pissed off to be woken in the night to check downstairs tbh even with the history. But then I wouldn't wake DP to do it, I'd grab a weapon and check myself.