Asking DH to get up to check out downstairs

[buzz17]

I haven't done this in a while, but did it last night at 3:15.
Something woke me up, I'm not sure what but I was suddenly wide awake and on alert.

It almost sounded like a light switch.
I got up to see if my dining room light (leads to the stairs) was on - it wasn't.
Then I noticed my cat was on my DD bed so I booted him off.
So he buggered off downstairs, but then he meowed. And I'm sure I heard him do another noise.

All of this around DH snoring which always makes my anxiety worse.
My anxiety is also slightly higher at the moment as I'm coming off epilepsy tablets which can be used to help with anxiety, bipolar and a few other things.. although I only used them for epilepsy.
Whenever I'm pregnant (I am now) I always have more irrational fears of being broken into, no idea why!

I already freak out about noises during the night, it's the one thing I'm petrified of and he knows it. I've had reoccurring dreams about it, where I can't scream. Somebody once tried to get into my mums sliding door when I was asleep in the room next to it. Luckily I had DH sleeping over that night so he was there with me.

So at 3:30 I woke DH up and asked him to investigate. He said no.
I said "but you're the man and I'm scared.. please"
He said no again.
I said "I guess I'm up now then"
After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

He was down there for a while - so I'm thinking maybe he had a cigarette and I heard him go in the fridge. So he can't have been too bothered by getting up.
I also apologised when he came back to bed.

But AIBU waking him up because I'm scared? Should I have investigated myself?
I'm not happy that he called me a fucking dickhead so I will have words about that.

[PurpleDaisies]

Wow. That's a drip feed and a half. Why wouldn't you have mentioned he wakes you up to catch mice and you have actually been broken in t before?

[Evelynismyspyname]

deepest perhaps it's a personal eccentricity, but although I am pretty comfortable with swearing in a general way, swearing at another person is a very fixed red line over which you never cross.

My DH swore at me one about a year into our relationship. Suffice to say 17 years later he's never done it again. That level of contempt and disrespect doesn't belong in a relationship imo.

Swear about a situation, swear because you've stubbed your toe, say "oh fuck!" All ok in the right context - but call someone a fucking dick head and the relationship is at crisis point, the respect has gone.

I know there are relationships where people swear at each other fondly, which changes the context completely - but this wasn't fond.

Doesn't make waking your partner up because your cat meowed and you think men should always be the ones to check out imaginary things going bump in the night acceptable though - as I said both unreasonable.

If the "nice" area in which you live is so dangerous perhaps you should be gathering the family in one room if things go bump in the night, rather than sending your DH to battle potential intruders.

[confusedlittleone]

@PurpleDaisies I wouldn't call trying to steal a car that's on the road breaking into their house?

[Evelynismyspyname]

He is equally unreasonable waking the op to catch mice.

Both unreasonable.

Swap the cat and mouse problem for a big reassuring dog? (I know, ok, you have to keep the cat!)

Seriously though you need to get help for your anxiety - and perhaps while you're at it he should get help for his mouse phobia. Then you can stop acting like 6 year olds and both get a night's sleep, disturbed only by the actual baby when he or she arrives!

[Papafran]

drip, drip, drip, drip

[CoffeeWithMyOxygen]

I think people are being a little harsh here. My DH suffers from bad anxiety and we have a rule that if he’s really struggling in the night he can wake me - I might sometimes be a little grumpy at first but I never get cross with him. Maybe you need to have a proper talk with your DH about how he can help you in a way that works for you both?

Have you tried CBT? It helped my DH a lot.

[buzz17]

It's still early, I wasn't fully awake with the other post and didn't think to add the other stuff that's happened around here 🙈

We wanted a dog when we moved in but the landlord said no. He said we were allowed ONE cat that was it.

I'd have to get 2 alarms as we have patio doors in the lounge.
We have our front door, then then another door which is locked so I'm not so scared about the front.

I had to put up a curtain in the kitchen to cover the back door and close them all as soon as it starts to get dark.

@user21 🙈 honestly, I don't think he'd mind too much doing what you mistook this as! We were up at 5am together yesterday because he rolled over to cuddle me but hadn't realised I had taken my pjs off because I was hot. So he got a bit of action 😅

[LakieLady]

Get a dog. It will let you know if there's anything amiss and make you feel safe.

An ex-burglar I used to know told me that a dog is the best burglary deterrent you can get. They make so much racket that it makes it very hard for anyone to get in and our unnoticed. My dog goes from fast asleep to hyper-alert in a nanosecond the moment someone sets foot on our drive, and before they've gone 2 steps she's barking like mad.

[LakieLady]

Sorry, hadn't RTFT!

Tell the landlord you've been recommended an assistance dog to help with your anxiety disorder, and can he give permission as it's a disability need.

[buzz17]

Landlord is a family friend.. he said it was because he had done a lot of work on the house and a dog would ruin it.. we've changed all but one room of flooring in this house in the last 5 years. It really hadn't had anything special done. I've been coming in this house since I was born (it was his mums house) and I can't remember it ever looking any different to how it did when we moved in!

I think I'll look into a security camera to have in our garden. The kind I can access on my phone.

[Lovestonap]

I always wake my DH up when I hear a noise I'm worried about. And he always checks for me (and usually brings me a cuppa back to bed).

He loves me and if I'm frightened he wants to help, he has never once got cross.

But only you know the dynamic of your own relationship and what's OK in it.

[52FestiveRoad]

You really don't want to know how I interpreted this OP

Glad I wasn't the only one!

OP I think when you are pregnant you do feel more vulnerable, you are physically not so capable as usual as you have a pregnancy belly and also you are desperate to protect your bump at all times. Don't be too hard on yourself, we have all felt afraid and sought reassurance at some point, even the people on here saying ' I would tackle an axe wielding maniac myself, what's the matter with you?' Take care of yourself

[makeourfuture]

Hasn't CBT been shown to be pretty effective addressing specific anxieties? It might be worth a shot.

[makeourfuture]

Coffee suggests above.

[Crumbs1]

If I heard a noise it would be my husband who investigated, if he were home but then he likes being alpha male. Get decent security to provide reassurance.

[buzz17]

DH woke up at 8, and came downstairs. He said he'd gone to bed at 11 last night and just woke up wide awake this morning.

I apologised for waking him up and he told me not to worry about it. So he's not grumpy over it!

Our relationship is really good. We've been together 9 years now and I've always been scared of being broken into, so it's nothing new.

My thoughts are if he got up and started to walk down the stairs then any burglars would pelt. He is not a violent person in the slightest but says he would do whatever he needed to if it meant protecting his family.

The only things worth stealing downstairs belong to him anyway. His computer and his PlayStation. The tv is crappy so wouldn't be worth anything anyway; that was just given to us.
Whereas if I got up, I'd be creeping slowly down the stairs with a pounding heart!

[Frillyhorseyknickers]

Don't get a dog if you're scared of the dark ffs - it's dark at 4pm in the winter and dogs need exercise so that's just another thing to lump your DH with.

[BaconAndBees]

You mentioned children - who got up in the night to feed them most of the time for years? I'm guessing you, and he's moaning about one trip downstairs due to anxiety that's peaked due to pregnancy? YANBU!!

[highinthesky]

I don’t understand the vitriol levelled at the OP. I’m just glad everyone is safe. Whatever words were said are minor compared to the threat of an intruder.

Bring in a Tony Martin Law, I say.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

You were unreasonable for waking the poor cat and throwing him/her off the nice comfy bed, especially when s/he is such a good mouser.

[buzz17]

These are the tablets that I'm currently coming off.

So things are slightly rough for me at the moment.

[buzz17]

@BaconAndBees
He did the night feeds with our first, as it was more practical for him to sleep during and the day (he was made redundant just after he was born). He slept through st 7 weeks so it wasn't an issue for long.

But I breastfed DD for 2 1/2 years so I did all the feeds obviously haha.

[buzz17]

@YetAnotherSpartacus
I threw the cat off her bed because he was sleeping on her pile of clothes I hadn't put in the wardrobe yet - he leaves his white fur everywhere!

Usually he sleeps on DS top bunk as it's empty.

[mapie]

I bet I'm not the only one who read the heading quickly and thought your DH had problems with his nether regions.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

I threw the cat off her bed because he was sleeping on her pile of clothes I hadn't put in the wardrobe yet - he leaves his white fur everywhere

Awwwww - he was keeping them safe from burglars! And decorating them! :) Good Kitty!