Asking DH to get up to check out downstairs

[buzz17]

I haven't done this in a while, but did it last night at 3:15.
Something woke me up, I'm not sure what but I was suddenly wide awake and on alert.

It almost sounded like a light switch.
I got up to see if my dining room light (leads to the stairs) was on - it wasn't.
Then I noticed my cat was on my DD bed so I booted him off.
So he buggered off downstairs, but then he meowed. And I'm sure I heard him do another noise.

All of this around DH snoring which always makes my anxiety worse.
My anxiety is also slightly higher at the moment as I'm coming off epilepsy tablets which can be used to help with anxiety, bipolar and a few other things.. although I only used them for epilepsy.
Whenever I'm pregnant (I am now) I always have more irrational fears of being broken into, no idea why!

I already freak out about noises during the night, it's the one thing I'm petrified of and he knows it. I've had reoccurring dreams about it, where I can't scream. Somebody once tried to get into my mums sliding door when I was asleep in the room next to it. Luckily I had DH sleeping over that night so he was there with me.

So at 3:30 I woke DH up and asked him to investigate. He said no.
I said "but you're the man and I'm scared.. please"
He said no again.
I said "I guess I'm up now then"
After a couple of minutes he got up and said "fucking dickhead" then went downstairs

He was down there for a while - so I'm thinking maybe he had a cigarette and I heard him go in the fridge. So he can't have been too bothered by getting up.
I also apologised when he came back to bed.

But AIBU waking him up because I'm scared? Should I have investigated myself?
I'm not happy that he called me a fucking dickhead so I will have words about that.

Op I just asked my dh would he be annoyed if I woke him at 3.30 am and said I had heard something. He said absolutely not, he has done similar himself and lept up to see what was going on.

My Dad is like your dh though, and has refused to get up leaving my poor Mum to confront several burglars in their house.

We (dh and I) live in a little village where that kind of crime is less likely but I still woke one night alone with my children (dh used to work away) and hearing something turned all the lights on (we live in a bungalow) only the next morning to find someone had been trying to pry my six point locking front door open with a crow bar

Op I completely understand your anxiety, I have always suffered from anxiety and especially so when pregnant! I think I felt somehow more vulnerable.

Can you switch the stair/ hall light on/ flush upstairs loo if it happens again. As well as making sure to walk heavy footed. My Mum has done this and the burglars have scarpered before she even got downstairs.

I'm sorry you have had such frightening crimes on your doorstep! I would have hoped your husband would be more understanding of your anxiety considering (especially after the naked man, covered in blood with a meat cleaver rampaging across the road). I think he was very unreasonable to call you a dickhead 😯!!!!

Perhaps its time to get a dog! My two are excellent little guard dogs and would put anyone off from breaking in!

My DH would not call me names, ever. And if I woke him in the night to check out a sound I heard he would do it. He probably wouldn't be ecstatic but he would do it, no questions asked. In fact, I have woken him before in the middle of the night to come to the downstairs toilet with me and stand guard outside as we had watched "The Grudge" the night before and I was scared (not proud of that one).
As long as this doesn't happen every night I think YANBU.

Seriously? People think it's that much of a big deal to be woken up ONCE in one night?

She's anxious, pregnant and feeling vulnerable. If it's constantly happening, fair enough, but op said she hasn't done in ages.

Agreed the 'you're the man!' bit is silly. I asked my partner to check downstairs once, not because he's a man but because I'm a wimp and get myself into a state. He's usually chilled out and it made more sense for him to rather than me go down and give myself a mini heart attack over seeing my own shadow.

Obviously if someone had broken in, the safest thing would probably be to stay upstairs and phone police! But when you hear a noise that spooks you, you automatically want to give yourself peace of mind.

I really don't think it's that big of a deal op! Hardly warrants 'fucking dickhead' anyway, I'm really surprised people think that's acceptable. My partner (who is in no way perfect!) would comfort me if I was scared, not call me names!

Really sorry all this has been going on in your neighbourhood, and about your anxiety and withdrawal. Remember it will get better. I would say Get an alarm, we have yale easy fit. You can get lots of different bits, so you just fix a little plastic thing to each downstairs entry point (doors, windows if you want), and PIR detectors in the main downstairs areas. I appreciate the cat might be an issue, but I think you can get pet friendly PIRs. Its only a few hundred pounds. The doors go beep when they open if the alarm is off (I like this because if we forgot to lock the back door in the evening, it would still alert us to someone entering, which they did once) and you can either set it on 'home mode' or 'out' mode. We had been burgled, and I thought the alarm might increase my anxiety, but actually it has massively helped, because i know if I hear a noise at night there can't actually be anyone walking around downstairs. There are other more portable type devices you can get, as you are renting and might not be able to fix to walls.

Do people really think he honestly shouldn't have swore. Sometimes I wonder if my OH is a complete bastard when I read things as little as he shouldn't have swore lol

Antway, have you tried having something on like a fan. I can't sleep in silence it drives me insane so I have a fan on. I find if I do wake up I'm not concentrating on the little noises and am comfortable to go back sleep.

Louise he shouldn't have sworn at her, no. Swearing at someone is a whole different category to general swearing. Even saying "oh for fucks sake" when woken is far, far less unpleasant than directly calling your wife a "fucking dickhead".

Do you swear at your OH too or is it just him who swears at you? If it works both ways I guess that's just how your relationship works, though from the outside it sounds hateful it's very hard indeed to know how it actually is to be someone else, in someone else's head and situation! But its pretty clear cut if he swears at you but wouldn't tolerate you swearing at him, or he does it to you but you just wouldn't...

My thoughts are if he got up and started to walk down the stairs then any burglars would pelt.

That’s not necessarily true; and I say that as someone who has been home when people have broken in.

You do need to work on this. It’s not fair to expect him to get up and check downstairs because you’re anxious; or that he has to come home at 1am. He might not mind; but your anxiety shouldn’t affect his life that much. Or yours!

Are you able to try more anxiety treatments?

@Evelynismyspyname
I don't actually swear, unless it's through typing. I don't like it and don't think it sounds right coming from my mouth.

I'm 24 now and not one person in my family has heard me swear. Even in labour haha!

He doesn't swear at me often at all, we don't really argue. We like to save everything up for one argument - usually about housework. Then we can get over that and be fine for ages.
He doesn't swear much normally and doesn't do it infront of the children, but he does swear when he's really annoyed about something or when he's playing his game and dies haha.

He very rarely goes out, and after the last time he said he doesn't know if he's going to drink anymore because it just gives him a headache. It doesn't bother me when he goes out and I don't ask him to come home. He's just more of an at home with our family person.

DH said he will put another lock lower down on our gate. I know someone could climb over if they really wanted to (we live on the end house) but the extra lock might make me feel a bit better.

I'm seeing my midwife on Thursday so I'll ask her about anything that will help with the extra anxiety, but is safe to use while pregnant.

We are in the process of switching bedrooms because the room my DS is in is a better layout for when the baby is here. So we will be in the front room.
I'm hoping I might sleep better in there because we're currently at the back and it's the back way that worries me the most.

He never has the right to swear at you, ever, no matter what

Of course he does. He can say what he wants with his own mouth. What she does after that is up to her.

TBH I'd call anyone who woke me up at 3am because they heard a click a dickhead as well.

I'm currently standing in my kitchen.. the house at the end with the porch is where the meat cleaver man broke in.
The house next to it is where the person tried to break in.
The house behind the brown leafed tree is where they tried when they couldn't get in the other house.

And behind that row of houses is a huge park.

YANBU. He's your partner and should try to help you out where he can.

AndrewJames nope - there are some things he does not have the right to say, even "with his own mouth"

There are things its illegal to say, despite having your own mouth - hate speech and slander for example.

Nobody has a moral right to say poisonous things designed purely to insult and verbally spit upon a loved one either in my view - as you say what the recipient of the swearing does next is up to them.

It is perfectly possible to express your feelings about being woken at 3am, including swearing if you want, without swearing at anyone.

Once you've called your supposed partner a fucking dickhead in bitter earnest (rather than if you have a relationship where you swear affectionately at one another - a bit peculiar but I have met a couple like that) you've crossed a line that is very difficult to uncross, especially if you think its perfectly alright that you called them that.

I see its not a view everyone shares. However if one partner swears at the other regularly and it doesn't go both ways that sounds even more dysfunctional and unpleasant.

I understand how scary the thought of being broken into is, I'm a single mum and it's one of my biggest fears. I bought an inexpensive Yale alarm recently, it's got several door/window triggers and two movement sensors. I set it every night and I sleep so much better since I installed it. I know it would wake me up and give me time to get to my child and lock us in a bedroom whilst I call the police, and it's loud enough to hopefully scare the burglars away as well as being a visual deterrent.

www.screwfix.com/p/yale-hsa6200-wireless-alarm-kit/97114?tc=HT6&ds_rl=1245250&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvbGJyu7-1gIVx7ztCh2JBgnvEAQYCSABEgKNbvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CKrVjdvu_tYCFQWhUQod65YHAQ#product_additional_details_container

Nothing is illegal to say, actually. They may be illegal depending on who you say them too.
And yes, he does have every right to say what he wants in his own home. I can't imagine why you think he doesn't. Who exactly is going to stop him.
He has every right to say what he wants.
She has every right to leave him if she wants. Or say what she wants back to him.

I was halfway through before I realised this wasn't going to be about his penis.

YABU, even considering the drip feed.

Andrew your opinion on what he has a moral right to say in his own home is exactly as valid as mine - and no more so, whatever the limits of your imagination.

Who is going to stop him is a strange, aggressive and irrelevant question. The fact you are the biggest person in the room/ house/ town doesn't mean you have the moral right to treat everyone else as badly as you wish.

You used the word moral, not me. I'm not interested in your morals. He has an ACTUAL right to say what he wants in his own home. That's not my opinion, that is a fact.

Of course the OP is not BU - anxiety or not!

I can't believe what I read on here sometimes. First of all, how many men would actually call their wives a "fucking dickhead"? I don't care about the circumstances. On what planet is that normal?

If you think there might be someone in the house, of course you would wake your DH up . Every second counts. I don't suffer from anxiety particularly, but I've done this a fair few times. Once there were actually two teenage burglars in the hall, but they ran off as soon as DH got to the top of the stairs. About a week later, he did catch another boy who threw a brick through our living room window (while I was sitting there on the floor with a two month old baby) and he held this "boy" (about 20) who was spitting at him until the police came.

When we lived in a converted warehouse flat years ago there was an underground car park and regular car thieves at night. DH chased them away a few times. Once I was horrified to see he had stuffed a knife down the back of his trousers - I told him he could have been arrested as well if the police had showed up in time. He is the last person on earth to be carrying weapons (at the time he was in banking). But you never know how you will react until your property or family are under threat.

Now we have security cameras and an extensive alarm system, but I still leave all the downstairs lights on when he is away because I think someone is less likely to break in to a lit up hallway. I have three children in the house.

OP YANBU at all, especially as you are pregnant as well. He should understand that. What the hell us wrong with him?

If you think there might be someone in the house, of course you would wake your DH up confused. Every second counts

But OP thinks this pretty much every night. Is the man supposed to get woken up every night? How many times is ok for you?

Andrew well how pointless was it to jump onto a thread, pick out the phrase "he has no right to swear at you" and try and twist it into an opportunity to declare that he has a legal right to swear at his wife? The word "right" has multiple meanings, including moral and ethical and prescriptive, as you surely must know?

It is transparently obvious that the comment you responded to wasn't a discussion of law, making your determination to argue a man's legal right to swear at his wife very strange indeed!

No she doesn't say it's every night. But even if it was, he should realise that pregnancy can make you very anxious and reassure her - e.g. put extra kicks on the doors, get a motion sensor alarm / cameras or whatever.

Locks not kicks, sorry.

Andrew you are now revealing that you haven't even read the thread - the OP does not wake him every night, she says she doesn't remember when she last did and it hasn't been for a while.

Most posters were in general agreement from the start of the thread that she shouldn't be waking him to help her cope with anxiety driven jumpiness generally, but should instead be looking for ways to treat and work around her anxiety - CBT, burglar alarms etc. He shouldn't be waking her to catch mice the cat has brought in for him either! Apparently she does not swear at him when he wakes her because he is afraid of mice!