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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS off school due to death of pet?

166 replies

Banananaaa · 18/10/2017 23:46

We have just had to have DPony PTS. Shes had a good old innings, shes 36 and we have owned her for 22 of those years. She was my first pony and taught both DSs to ride.

DS1 (13) absolutely adores her and in these later years even those shes now retired she has been what I would quite clearly call his pony. He spends time with her before and after school, he takes her for walks, reads his books to her and does his homework sitting in her paddock.

We found her collapsed in the stable tonight, vet reckoned her liver was failing, and we have had her PTS. DS is understandably devastated and finally cried himself to sleep about 15 mins ago.

He has some health issues anyway which mean he is easily fatigued and I know getting him up at 7 for school tomorrow is going to be hell on earth, and he would struggle to manage the day even if he was just tired, without the emotional stuff on top.

Its the last day before half term and all morning, he has PE so its not like they will be doing loads academically, however on the other side, she was a pony and I don't know how the school will feel on a days absence due to that.

AIBU to keep him off or take him in late tomorrow? Or should I just take him in as normal?

OP posts:
NoCanoe · 19/10/2017 21:42

So sad. She a beautiful girl and clearly will be much missed. Hugs all round.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 20/10/2017 12:10

Teaching your child to pause and take time to grieve the life lost is so valuable in my opinion. Much better for their mental health than being taught to bury feelings and carry on.

Mumto2two · 20/10/2017 12:15

Absolutely agree. I was shocked by how much we were all consumed by the grief of our beloved family pet. Thankfully it happened during the holidays, but I'm fairly sure that if they had woken to the news on a school day, it would have been impossible to function as normal.
So sorry for the loss of your dear pony Flowers

BigFactHunt · 20/10/2017 12:30

I understand that you’d be sad at the loss of a pet, but it’s important to keep a bit of perspective.

It’s an animal that you probably bought. It’s not a person. It’s not a part of the family.

Why not tell DS “You should go into school today, it’s what Dobbin would have wanted”

Life goes on, death is a sad part of living. Don’t lie to the school

iwouldgoouttonight · 20/10/2017 12:42

So sorry for your loss. I've been wondering how DS will cope when our very elderly cat dies. She's the only pet we've had and he loves her so much and I fully expect he'll need time off school when the time comes.

A friend of mine who is a teacher had three days off work when her cat died, so I'd hope children would be allowed the same.

Somerville · 20/10/2017 12:57

I just want to address this point, which has come up a lot of time now:

Much better for their mental health than being taught to bury feelings and carry on.

Whilst I agree 100% that no-one should be taught to bury their feelings, I don't consider carrying on to be the same thing at all. In fact, keeping on keeping on amidst experiencing the agony of grief is one of the most important things I've taught my kids (though it took me a while to realise the necessity). There are plenty of hours in a day, and indeed there are weekends and holidays from school and work. There's time to go to school, feeling upset but having the support and distraction of a wider community. And then time for solitude to wallow for a bit, and for grief counselling, and for family time to talk about memories, and for watching funny TV and perhaps forgetting for a little while. All of that helps with processing the complex emotions and learning to live with the new reality, and in turn, with mental health.

Clearly OP's immediate situation over her son's school attendance is now resolved, and it sounds like they found a happy medium. This is just my thoughts on the wider issue of helping children (and indeed ourselves) through grief.

Floralnomad · 20/10/2017 15:08

bigfacthunt , most people's animals are part of the family and frankly at 13 the Ops son is not a 3 year old that could be convinced by 'dobbin would have wanted it' .

BigFactHunt · 20/10/2017 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blodplod · 20/10/2017 15:32

@bigfactCunt pretty disgusting thing to say given the circumstances doncha think?

Blodplod · 20/10/2017 15:33

Apologies for the typo.. Grin

Kentnurse2015 · 20/10/2017 15:34

@iwouldgoouttonight 3 days off?!! Really?!!!

Floralnomad · 20/10/2017 15:36

That is a revolting thing to say bigFactHunt , all of my horses have been cremated at a pet cemetery . I hope you don't actually have possession of any animals with such an appalling attitude .

Somerville · 20/10/2017 15:37

BigFactHunt
You took that way too far.

mamasiz · 20/10/2017 15:40

Keep him off today, no question. It must be absolutely heartbreaking for you all. Flowers

mamasiz · 20/10/2017 15:42

@SuburbanRhonda then your policy needs revising doesn’t it? Bereavement is bereavement, whether this be the loss of a human or animal. Animals are part of my family without doubt!

princessconsuelobananahammock · 20/10/2017 15:43

Definitely fine to keep him off & I'm usually v black & white about things like this!

MuseumOfCurry · 20/10/2017 15:47

Oh, goodness OP, so sorry. I would have let mine stay home from school too.

I'm not a terribly sentimental person and I've been really caught unawares by how much we love our 2 year old dog.

Flowers
SuburbanRhonda · 20/10/2017 15:54

@SuburbanRhonda then your policy needs revising doesn’t it? Bereavement is bereavement, whether this be the loss of a human or animal. Animals are part of my family without doubt!

I'll be sure to pass on your expert opinion to the Child Bereavement Charity, with whom we wrote the policy 🙄

mamasiz · 20/10/2017 16:01

@SuburbanRhonda be my guest 🙄 I work with bereaved families on a daily basis - so don’t assume I don’t have a clue.

Somerville · 20/10/2017 16:06

I hope you don't tell the bereaved families that "bereavement is bereavement whether this be the loss of a human or animal", mamasiz.

If you are an alternative therapist who works in hospice outreach then you're maybe the one who told my DC something similar, and went on to compare the illness of your pet as analogous to my children's father's terminal cancer. That person caused a world of extra hurt and confusion.

LemonShark · 20/10/2017 16:07

Really disappointing to see people say that it's better to be at school so he's not 'moping' and 'upsetting himself'. Way to try and encourage the suppression of a young male's very natural feelings. It's normal to be upset and grieve. One day after the death of a loved one is exactly the appropriate time to spend some time reflecting, crying, remembering. He's upset because a loved one died, not doing it to himself.

And it is absolutely a bereavement. The term isn't specific to a particular species. You can't apply a blanket rule saying that a death of an animal isn't anything like a death of a person either, it might not have been for you but that doesn't mean everyone else feels the same. He's young so perhaps this is his first experience of losing someone he loves.

Do we really need to pretend that animals aren't as meaningful to us therefore their death means less than that of a person? I dealt with my much loved cat dying. I dealt with my much loved mum dying. The grief with the latter felt more complex and lasted much longer but the death of my cat was no less acutely agonising when it happened. I miss them and think about them both regularly. I was in no fit state to go to school the day after my cat was put to sleep, as I couldn't stop crying for hours at a time.

Honestly, have some compassion for a child who has lost a being he was very close to and undoubtedly loved.

iBiscuit · 20/10/2017 16:12

Somerville your description of the need to keep on keeping on resonates with me very much.

It really, really isn't about burying feelings at all Flowers

EnglishRose13 · 20/10/2017 16:17

My dog died just before I went back to school after Christmas (I was year 9). I didn't go back until the following Monday, so had two or three days off.

I was devastated.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/10/2017 16:20

mamasiz

I hope you're not as rude and smug towards the people who are sent to you for bereavement support.

Puppymouse · 20/10/2017 16:41

I personally won’t be fit to go to work when DHorse dies. He isn’t just a pet, he’s part of who I am. He’s my twice daily routine, he’s known to others in the village we live in, he’s a constant topic of conversation when friends ask me how I am. He’s part of our family and has given me so much since I’ve had him. He’s given me strength and courage, knowledge, patience, a workout Grin and he’s just been with me when I’ve been happy, sad or thoughtful.

I stand up and say I know not everyone sees animals this way and I wouldn’t dream of assuming how anyone who is grieving must feel. But for me personally I find people very worrying and stressful so my peace comes from my animals. To lose that would strip me bare for a while and I think you were entirely justified to give him the morning to regroup.