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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep DS off school due to death of pet?

166 replies

Banananaaa · 18/10/2017 23:46

We have just had to have DPony PTS. Shes had a good old innings, shes 36 and we have owned her for 22 of those years. She was my first pony and taught both DSs to ride.

DS1 (13) absolutely adores her and in these later years even those shes now retired she has been what I would quite clearly call his pony. He spends time with her before and after school, he takes her for walks, reads his books to her and does his homework sitting in her paddock.

We found her collapsed in the stable tonight, vet reckoned her liver was failing, and we have had her PTS. DS is understandably devastated and finally cried himself to sleep about 15 mins ago.

He has some health issues anyway which mean he is easily fatigued and I know getting him up at 7 for school tomorrow is going to be hell on earth, and he would struggle to manage the day even if he was just tired, without the emotional stuff on top.

Its the last day before half term and all morning, he has PE so its not like they will be doing loads academically, however on the other side, she was a pony and I don't know how the school will feel on a days absence due to that.

AIBU to keep him off or take him in late tomorrow? Or should I just take him in as normal?

OP posts:

stillvicarinatutu · 19/10/2017 01:23

id say let him have the day off. it wont hurt. you know him best but i wouldnt want to go in and act normal with that on my mind. allow him to grieve - its fine.

unless he really wants to go to school tomorrow id let him have a lie in and give him a bit of tlc.

yes life does go on. i lost my sister and then my gran who brought me up within 4 weeks of each other and i couldnt take time off for my grans death - i embarrassed myself countless times crying and it was horrific. saying life goes on is callous and cruel - everyone should be allowed to grieve a loves ones death, and horses are such soulful animals - your ds will feel your dpony absence and id just allow him a bit of time. its inhumane and insensitive to simply adopt a stiff upper lip approach and make him carry on as if nothing has happened - his world has changed so allow him time to come to terms with that.
x

2017SoFarSoGood · 19/10/2017 01:35

How very sad for you all

Grief makes one ill. Regardless of the cause of the grief it is often a blow that fells us. if the child is ill, let him stay home and tell school that. It will be true. If he needs to go to school that will help him too.

StaplesCorner · 19/10/2017 01:59

I hope the OP doesn't come back to the thread and read some of this tripe about not expecting a day off work and the like. He's a kid who lost his lifelong companion.

Esssa · 19/10/2017 02:17

Personally I would be more inconsolable when one of my horses dies than I was when my great grandma did. I know that makes me sound awful but they are a much bigger part of my daily life than she was. I don't think people who don't have horses realise quite how much. Especially if they are not animal people either. I would definitely let him have the day off. I would be a useless crying mess so no use anyway. God I'm such a wuss it brings tears just thinking about it. So sorry for your loss and the gap dpony has left in your life. Hope breakfast isn't too difficult for you

fantasmasgoria1 · 19/10/2017 06:21

Suburban any pet I have ever had has been classed as part of my family therefore would be a family bereavement.

Norma27 · 19/10/2017 06:45

Hope you are all ok. I owned a pony for 15 years and had to have him pts suddenly. I did go to work the next day and I was asked what the bloody hell I was doing there and they sent me back home. This was when i was a trainee in a big 4 accounting firm so not the sort of place who necessarily cared about feelings.

I would say stay off school - unless they feel it will do them good to go and see their friends etc.
Big hugs

Somersetter · 19/10/2017 06:57

I took the day off work after the death of a pet. It was a pet I'd had for my whole life (over 30 years) and I was honest with my employer about my reasons. Obviously I took it as annual leave rather than sick leave or compassionate leave but it's totally acceptable and normal for OP's ds to have a day off school, and absolutely no need to lie about it.

BlueSapp · 19/10/2017 07:04

While it is sad, I don’t think it warrants a day off school especially if it’s just one day before school breaks up for half term.

mygorgeousmilo · 19/10/2017 07:11

I would keep him off. The love that you would feel for a pony that you've had for your whole life is surely strong enough that, when that pony dies, it should be considered a true bereavement. He must be devastated.

fairyofallthings · 19/10/2017 07:13

Yes because the pony was such a big part of his life. Be honest and say why, the school should be compassionate. I'm not a fan of needless time off school or unauthorised absence but this is not one of those times.

Ekphrasis · 19/10/2017 07:13

I knew a teacher who had a day off as she had to get her dog urgently pts.

I think a pony is quite a big bereavement tbh.

pilotswife · 19/10/2017 07:16

Wouldn't hesitate to keep him at home but would tell the school it is a bereavement. Very sad - know what it's like

permatiredmum · 19/10/2017 07:17

I don't think there is one right answer.I once worked with a lady whose young child suddenly and expectedly literally dropped down dead and she was back at the work the next afternoon as soon as tbe police had finished. It was her way.of coping

GinIsIn · 19/10/2017 07:18

I am so sorry for your loss. There's no such thing as "just a pet", they can be your best friend and absolutely a part of your family.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 07:18

Suburban any pet I have ever had has been classed as part of my family therefore would be a family bereavement.

If you read my posts properly, you'll see that I agree with this sentiment.

What I would disagree with is what many posters have suggested (but not the OP) - that they should tell the school that there has been a family bereavement, as the majority of people, including those on this thread who have lost a family member, understand that to mean a person in the family has died.

Why anyone would deliberately choose not to state the simple fact that the child's horse has died and he is extremely upset is beyond me.

AccrualIntentions · 19/10/2017 07:22

I needed a day off work when my cat died, and I was 31! (Btw, I don't know anyone who has ever got compassionate leave from work for a pet dying as a PP referred to, but my manager was fine about me taking a day's normal leave at short notice). I wouldn't make him go in today, but he may want to.

Tatapie · 19/10/2017 07:25

If he is too distraught / tired to go in then he mustn’t go and you should tell him and the school the truthful reason.
However I wonder if going about his normal routine might be beneficial for him and all the children would be hugely sympathetic and supportive I’m sure.
Also missing the last day of term might be a bit rubbish and he’s not going to see everyone for a while and will miss that closure iyswim.
So sorry for your loss.

RobotGoat · 19/10/2017 07:26

By analogy, I wouldn't expect to be entitled to a day off work for the death of a pet myself. So yes to be honest that is an attitude that applies generally. Beareavement is generally a word understood to relate to the death of a human really

In my last job, the death of a pet in certain circumstances meant you were entitled to compassionate leave in line with a distant family member.

grasspigeons · 19/10/2017 07:28

Keep him off and be honest as to why. Mention he might need some support when he returns. Say it's an exceptional circumstance.

I don't understand trying to trick the school. They are the enemy and should want to support him.

It will either go down as an authorised absence if the school agrees it's an exceptional circumstance or they will put it down as unauthorised, which might irritate you, but has zero impact on anything unless you have a rubbish attendance record already.

grasspigeons · 19/10/2017 07:29

Aren't!

Zizismummy · 19/10/2017 07:31

Let him have the day off.. he wont benefit from being in school if he is upset.

pilates · 19/10/2017 07:32

I would see what time he wakes up and if he still feels too upset keep him off.

Rachie1986 · 19/10/2017 07:34

Hows he doing OP? Thinking of you today as well with everything you've got to deal with x

fairyofallthings · 19/10/2017 07:36

.I once worked with a lady whose young child suddenly and expectedly literally dropped down dead and she was back at the work the next afternoon as soon as tbe police had finished. It was her way.of coping

This. There is no right way. I was at work an hour after being told my child (who, being oblivious due to age, was in school as was outwardly healthy and symptom free, I'd gone alone to get the scan results) had cancer; it shocked many people but it was my way of coping.

brilliantslight · 19/10/2017 07:39

Why lie? I would be honest there is nothing whatsoever wrong with telling the school that the pony has died. I hope your DS is ok.

So sorry for your loss

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