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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS off school due to death of pet?

166 replies

Banananaaa · 18/10/2017 23:46

We have just had to have DPony PTS. Shes had a good old innings, shes 36 and we have owned her for 22 of those years. She was my first pony and taught both DSs to ride.

DS1 (13) absolutely adores her and in these later years even those shes now retired she has been what I would quite clearly call his pony. He spends time with her before and after school, he takes her for walks, reads his books to her and does his homework sitting in her paddock.

We found her collapsed in the stable tonight, vet reckoned her liver was failing, and we have had her PTS. DS is understandably devastated and finally cried himself to sleep about 15 mins ago.

He has some health issues anyway which mean he is easily fatigued and I know getting him up at 7 for school tomorrow is going to be hell on earth, and he would struggle to manage the day even if he was just tired, without the emotional stuff on top.

Its the last day before half term and all morning, he has PE so its not like they will be doing loads academically, however on the other side, she was a pony and I don't know how the school will feel on a days absence due to that.

AIBU to keep him off or take him in late tomorrow? Or should I just take him in as normal?

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 19/10/2017 00:25

I would most certainly let him stay off if he wanted to.
I would doubt he will want the kids in his year teasing him for his red eyes - and some will because kids can be nasty buggers.
My heart goes out to you - my DD still cries for our dog who we had PTS three years ago so yes, animals are part of the family and yes, it's perfectly natural to grieve for them and to miss them terribly.
The comfort you have is that pony had the most wonderful life and was loved and knew she was loved till her last breath.

WorraLiberty · 19/10/2017 00:28

Most people's understanding of the phrase "a family bereavement" would be that member of the family had died.

And therein lies the problem Rhonda

A lot of people don't consider the death of a family pet, as bereavement-worthy.

But it's still a life lost and still very upsetting for the boy who has shared his 13 years with the pony.

That's why I would report the absence as a bereavement and only elaborate if questioned further.

StaplesCorner · 19/10/2017 00:31

OP you've had that horse 22 years and you have to come on here to ask if your son can have a day off school? Of course he can. Ring up and tell them whatever you like.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 00:35

A lot of people don't consider the death of a family pet, as bereavement-worthy.

That not the case at all, at least not in the training I've received. Many children can be more upset about the death of a pet than a grandparent.

It's just misleading to describe the death of a pet as a family bereavement, not because it's not important because it's not what people understand by the phrase.

Chrys2017 · 19/10/2017 00:36

A pony of 22 years IS a member of the family, so yes this is a family bereavement. No question. Keep him off and have a wake for the pony. Sorry for your loss.

Floralnomad · 19/10/2017 00:37

Sorry for your loss OP . Tell the school whatever you want . Have you managed to have the pony removed tonight or have you got to deal with that tomorrow ? Losing any pet is difficult but with horses and ponies the sheer size makes the entire event more stressful unfortunately we have sadly dealt with this 4 times now with ours .

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/10/2017 00:42

Oh my love, I'm so sorry, you must all be devastated, especially with no indication it was about to happen 💔🌷

Definitely let him sleep as long as he will naturally. No school. I'd have kept him off until the weekend on a normal week. A mess around day before half term, no question about it.

I'd simply tell them he's exhausted & will be staying home. End of. They can put it down as whatever they like.

Poor lad is going to be devastated, all of you are. I'm so sorry 🌷

ScipioAfricanus · 19/10/2017 00:43

Don't call it a family bereavement. I understand it is one to you and your family, but that's misleading to the school and only likely to cause problems. I would tell the school honestly and they can decide how to proceed (if they have any sense they will not cause a fuss). Your son should definitely not go to school tomorrow unless he wanted to.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 00:44

Of course pets are very much part of the family. No one is disputing that.

But when you're informing an organisation such as a school about what's happened, and you tell them the child has suffered a family bereavement without giving any context, how can the school respond appropriately to support the child?

I just don't know why you wouldn't choose to be completely clear about what's happened. Unless you think the death of a pet doesn't sound like a valid reason to have a day off school, which no one on this thread had said.

ScipioAfricanus · 19/10/2017 00:45

Sorry, it looks from my post as if you had raised the terminology 'family bereavement' although I know you hadn't. I just thought it important to be open with school (apart from anything else, they can be sensitive to the loss going forwards).

Orangebird69 · 19/10/2017 00:46

Tell the school he's had a bereavement (because IT IS) and keep him off school if he wants to stay home. Flowers to you and your ds.

grimeofthecentury · 19/10/2017 00:46

Aw your poor little lad. Hope he feels better. Definitely day off, cuddles and hot choc. Screw the attendance police!

Original poster
Banananaaa · 19/10/2017 00:49

Thanks everyone. I think ill see how he feels in the morning. I wouldnt lie to the school and pretend he was ill (not least because they would be likely to ask his brother who i am assuming will want to go in) if be honest and tell them it was the pony.

I suppose id expect it to be unauthorised absence but they are exceptionally hot on days off and i was trying to work out how it might be viewed as hes quite an anxious soul (as am i)

Thanks for all your kind words. Im not sure ive quite taken it in yet. Im dreading going out in the morning as she normally screams for her breakfast if you even a little slow. God.im going to.miss her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Banananaaa · 19/10/2017 00:53

Floral. Thats a problem for tomorrow. I just dont have the heart for it right now..i cant believe she went so quickly. I always thought shed go on forever

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 00:53

OP

Flowers
gluteustothemaximus · 19/10/2017 00:54

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Definite day off. Whatever you feel most comfortable saying x

YouSaySidewalkISayPavement · 19/10/2017 00:55

My vote is to send him to school. It will be psychologically better for him to have the distraction of school lessons, friends and activities he has to engage in.

Otherwise he'll sit around and mull and upset himself even more. It's also probably a good life lession in coping with grief - life goes on and you have to go on with it.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/10/2017 01:02

Yeah, it'll be massively psychologically better for him to go to school & get teased for crying. Have a heart fgs.

Yes, life goes on & you have to get on with it, but not the day after your pony dies, you're allowed to grieve. He's not known a time without her, poor lad is going to be heartbroken, it's not a goldfish he's had 10 minutes.

Somerville · 19/10/2017 01:06

I agree ^^ send him in to keep him somewhat busy and distracted. He will also sleep better tomorrow night if he's had a normal, busy day at school.

I'm sad that so many people think it's acceptable to use the term family bereavement about a pet.

My children, who lost their dad, find it very hard when other kids (or adults) say they understand how they feel because they experienced the same trauma when their pet died. We've had pets die, too, who we loved, and it is sad but really not the same.

Other pupils at his school will have lost parents or siblings. And they'll have been encouraged to follow their usual routine and keep up their school attendance, even through that.

I am sorry about your pony.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/10/2017 01:07

Yeah, it'll be massively psychologically better for him to go to school & get teased for crying.

You sound like you know nothing about how lovely and supportive a child's friends can be when they're upset, which is a shame.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 19/10/2017 01:09

life goes on and you have to go on with it

Do you say that to everyone you meet who's been bereaved less than 24 hours ago?

Terrible advice. Life moves on, but you can only move on with it if you first give yourself time and space to grieve.

Floralnomad · 19/10/2017 01:10

Can't believe anyone is saying send him to school , would you be doing the same if he'd lost a friend or relative that he'd spent time with everyday for 13 years ? Best wishes for tomorrow OP and I hope it all goes well .

YouSaySidewalkISayPavement · 19/10/2017 01:10

Yeah, it'll be massively psychologically better for him to go to school & get teased for crying.

+1 to what SurbanRhonda said but actually it's more likely that he probably won't cry because he will be distracted by school work and friends and whatever else they are up to. Even if he feels a bit of pressure to "hold it together" (for want of a better term) in moments during the day, this is no bad thing - it's better than him sitting around at home 100% focussed on his grief.

YouSaySidewalkISayPavement · 19/10/2017 01:17

life goes on and you have to go on with it

Do you say that to everyone you meet who's been bereaved less than 24 hours ago?

His pet has died. It is sad and will provoke grief reaction particularly if it is a close pet but it is not the same as the death of a human.

By analogy, I wouldn't expect to be entitled to a day off work for the death of a pet myself. So yes to be honest that is an attitude that applies generally. Beareavement is generally a word understood to relate to the death of a human really.

The main point isn't this though . The main point is for a child of that age distraction (especially of a physical activity like PE) will be a better way to see him through the next 24 hours than moping around at home focussing on his his pain.

ilovesooty · 19/10/2017 01:22

I think he'll know what he wants to do after he wakes up naturally and tomorrow I think in these circumstances he should be allowed to decide.