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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DH can hold the baby for longer than an hour?

103 replies

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:31

DS is 8 weeks old and ebf. AIBU to think that DH should be able to hold him, without drama, for longer than 1 hour? I never get time to myself and feel like a touched-out tramp. I'd like some time to do hair, makeup, wash and take medication (I have a skin condition). I have anxiety and depression.

Typically, about 50 minutes in DH starts asking "How long are you going to be?" and/or standing outside bedroom door with crying baby.

OP posts:

2014newme · 18/10/2017 14:32

Tell him to take baby out for a walk rather than sir holding baby for an hour.

Sirzy · 18/10/2017 14:32

He should be able to keep an eye on the baby for more than an hour. why does he need holding for the whole time? Or have I misunderstood?

BamburyFuriou3 · 18/10/2017 14:33

There will be lots of people saying YANBU, but I think it's less about your DH, but how much your baby can cope without you. Mine have always been extremely attached to me at that age and could only cope with about 30mins without me holding them.
I used slings a lot for my own sanity (and still do).
By 4 months it eased up a bit. :)

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:33

DS is very clingy and won't settle without being held.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:35

BamburyFuriou3 I love my sling! However some activities (like putting on my steroid skin scream or straightening my hair) are too dangerous to do slinged.

OP posts:

Kentnurse2015 · 18/10/2017 14:35

8 weeks is still pretty small. Get him to go out for a walk to give you a rest but at that age I'm not sure I left them for any more than an hour anyway

PinkHeart5914 · 18/10/2017 14:35

Of course he should be able to. I don’t understand this at all, presumably you both decided to have a child so you should both be able look after said child for a while.

Could you express some milk and go out the house on your own for a while have a coffee/walk etc and leave him to be the baby? If you aren’t there he will have no choice becuase he can’t ask you

If your home When he comes to the bedroom and asks how long your going to be, say “ I am not finished yet I am sure you can deal with your own child”

MrsGoToBed80 · 18/10/2017 14:36

Ah yes, the old 'only Mum can fix it' excuse!

Obviously with the baby being ebf you do need to be on hand for feeds, but other than that there's no reason why Dad can't step up and let you have a bit of time for yourself. He's new at this though too remember, maybe he's feeling nervous/like he can't manage when baby is upset?

It might be an idea to reassure him that he will do just fine and get him used to settling baby without you. Can you nip put for a bit straight after a feed and leave them alone until baby needs feeding again? Just a couple of times so Dad becomes more confident in his abilities.

Unless he's just being a lazy arse. In which case tell him to get his head out of his backside and leave you alone for a while! It is his baby as much as it's yours and you deserve a break to have a bit of pamper (or rest!) time.

BamburyFuriou3 · 18/10/2017 14:37

Agreed. And until they have good head control (and you've had experience/training) you can't put them on your back to Et cook.
Actually thinking about it, DH had variable success if I slings him up and he kept walking around the block until I rang him that it was safe to come home . (I had screamers - CMPA/tongue tie etc - and needed some non-contact time for my sanity)

Cuppaqueen · 18/10/2017 14:37

At that age, I had a night out without baby (about 4 hours total)! DH had expressed milk to give him and they happily cuddled up on the sofa. YANBU. Your DH needs to invest time in holding your baby early on so that they are comfortable with each other. An hour should definitely not be too much to ask even with a clingy baby, especially if he's already been fed.

DeleteOrDecay · 18/10/2017 14:39

YANBU. Him asking how long you’re going to be would make me see red. It implies he is doing you some sort of favour, as if looking after the baby is solely your responsibility.

RB68 · 18/10/2017 14:39

SOunds like he is bored being one handed!!

MagicFajita · 18/10/2017 14:39

Yanbu.

He needs to learn to settle his child.

hula008 · 18/10/2017 14:41

DH had expressed milk I had to read this a few times before I realised that your DH hadn’t produced breast milk for your DS

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:43

It implies he is doing you some sort of favour, as if looking after the baby is solely your responsibility.

That's how it feels to me. :( I burst into tears today when he did it - yet again - as I was half way through putting my makeup on.

Then he told me IWBU and hard to live with because I got upset.

OP posts:

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/10/2017 14:45

Tbh I couldn’t hold a baby for an hour so I do feel for your DH a bit in that sense. What’s the problem with putting the baby down?

MrsGoToBed80 · 18/10/2017 14:45

He's being a prat. Try going in the bathroom when he is right in the middle of showering or shaving and saying 'right, here you go take the baby please. No, don't object, you need to stop what you are doing right this second and take over I'm busy'.

Reasonable? Not at all. But should make your point loud and clear!

MagicFajita · 18/10/2017 14:46

Not defending him op (not in the slightest) but could it be that he's frustrated because he doesn't know what to do? How do you think he would react to suggestions like , trying him in a bouncy chair or taking him out for a stroll etc.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 18/10/2017 14:50

I hate this. The constant in the background getting you a break bollocks!

Take the baby out! Figure out whether nappy needs changing. No idea whether he's tired. Try and rock him.

It's no break at all otherwise.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2017 14:50

Try going in the bathroom when he is right in the middle of showering or shaving and saying 'right, here you go take the baby please. No, don't object, you need to stop what you are doing right this second and take over I'm busy'.

The baby is 8 weeks old. Neither of them know what to do and uteri do not confer magical baby-understanding powers. They learn as they go. Unless she always takes the baby, in which case he will always be useless.

MessyBun247 · 18/10/2017 14:52

Express some milk and give the baby a dummy, then hand him to your DH. Your DH is being a dick and needs to step up and be a parent. The baby is his, just as much as yours. Is he normally a selfish twat?

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:52

Tbh I couldn’t hold a baby for an hour

I hold baby for many hours on end. I've never actually left the house without him.

And then leave the house for a stroll? I could do that.

could it be that he's frustrated because he doesn't know what to do?

How am I magically to know what to do, just because I have ovaries?

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:55

Breastfeeding seems to be a get out of jail free card for DH. If I formula fed he would have no excuse but to hold the baby, would he? And I could have as long as I need? I can't see how to get equity in this relationship unless I give up bf, which is a damn shame :(

It's no break at all otherwise.

THANK YOU.

OP posts:

Lapena17 · 18/10/2017 14:55

What?? He's the baby's parent as well!! You ve put up with nine months of pregnancy, giving birth, recovering from the birth, dealing with leaky boobs and no doubt are up several times at night to bf! Tell him he's got it easy just holding the baby! I feel for you OP

BlueSapp · 18/10/2017 14:56

your DNBU you need time to be a normal human, and he needs to grow up!

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