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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DH can hold the baby for longer than an hour?

103 replies

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:31

DS is 8 weeks old and ebf. AIBU to think that DH should be able to hold him, without drama, for longer than 1 hour? I never get time to myself and feel like a touched-out tramp. I'd like some time to do hair, makeup, wash and take medication (I have a skin condition). I have anxiety and depression.

Typically, about 50 minutes in DH starts asking "How long are you going to be?" and/or standing outside bedroom door with crying baby.

OP posts:

Kentnurse2015 · 18/10/2017 16:14

8 weeks is so young! Not sure I had been out without mine at that age either. It's such a short time. Get him to take baby for a walk for an hour. Keep breastfeeding if that's what you want.

It doesn't last forever - as you know deep down seeing as you have other children

TheMShip · 18/10/2017 16:15

@Telstar99 In the OP's post at 14:35 she says "I love my sling!" so I made the (possibly incorrect) assumption that this was how she 'held' her baby so much.

Catwithglasses · 18/10/2017 16:18

Assuming you've got a sling is there a reason your DH can't use it too? We used to take turns doing skin-to-skin. My OH was quite happy reading with a baby snuggled on his chest.

noeffingidea · 18/10/2017 16:19

velcro baby another Mumsnet expression that I've never come across in real life.
OP does your baby like toys? All of mine used to like laying on their backs on the floor playing with their baby gym. Another thing that used to settle them was to put them in their bouncy chair in front of the washing nachine (while it was on of course). It kind of hypnotises them. Puttin the tumble dryer on is the ultimate baby settler in my experience. In fact it often makes me feel drowsy as well.

Changerofname987654321 · 18/10/2017 16:20

He needs to get himself a sling and take the baby for a walk.

Azalea96 · 18/10/2017 16:22

Can you go somewhere for an hour without the baby? I used to go to shops, cafes and hairdresser without my dc from when they were 3 days old . My DH got more confident as a father when I wasn't in the house

kaytee87 · 18/10/2017 16:23

* Your baby is clingy because that's all he knows because you never put him down.*

This is rubbish, a baby this age is incapable of that level of comprehension.

kaytee87 · 18/10/2017 16:23

Bold fail

BewareOfDragons · 18/10/2017 16:28

Tell him to suck it up. The baby has 2 parents, not 1, and he must learn to cope with the baby for everything but breastfeeding. You share equally the hours you are both home; you are not on 24/7 while he 'helps' at home. He is a parent, not doing you a favour.

Honestly. I would tell him I'm going out and take the car, even if only to park around the corner and take a 2 hour nap or read a book! He will figure it out.

BertieBotts · 18/10/2017 16:41

I don't really get why people think this might be about the OP not being happy with her DH's parenting methods?

He's not putting the baby down and leaving it to scream whig is upsetting the OP, he's mithering her asking is she finished yet, aka, when's it your turn again, I'm bored.

OP, if you're happy to express I think I'd block out certain parts of the day where he's officially on duty so he's not allowed to ask you to hold the baby at all. Tell him he'll figure it out like you've had to.

And possibly keep looking for an explanation for the screaming because it sounds absolutely horrendous. You mentioned you have eczema, some people find a correlation between this and dairy sensitivity, possibly worth a look in case that's upsetting him?

CastleFeck · 18/10/2017 16:45

I think some of you have forgotten what an 8 week old baby is like. It’s not 1975.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2017 16:46

Were other people’s babies really playing with toys at 8 weeks? Bloody hell DD was well behind!

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 18/10/2017 16:48

DS1 was a very demanding baby - I barely remember (through sleep deprivation), but I do remember us taking turns walking him from room to room, window to window (looking at the lights from traffic worked, but he needed a change of view every few minutes). DP used to take him round the block, have marathon baths with him, many, many naps together all to give me a break (also EBF, and had a difficult start).

Can you suggest to DP that rather than just hold him, he does something - go out for coffee, have a bath or shower - something to distract him. Yes, eventually the baby is going to get miffed and definitely want you, but it can be stretched a bit.

LewisThere · 18/10/2017 16:56

Some people have surprising babies.
At 8 weeks, none of mine were happy for any length of time on play mat. They certainly didn't play with toys or werent happy for very long in a bouncy chair.
Even the baby swing didn't work either.

i do remember spending a lot of time being, holding and going a walk around with baby in the pram.

PenelopeStoppit · 18/10/2017 16:56

My baby is currently 14 weeks old and I had this issue with my OH recently. He kept passing our baby to me every time it cried and telling me to feed it (also ebf). Last weekend I had enough and told him I would get more time to myself as a single parent because he would have to have his own baby, all by himself, for 3-4 days every week. He looked shocked, apologised and has since been better.

LetsSplashMummy · 18/10/2017 17:01

He can use a sling,can't he?

Is it possible you are a little defensive about always holding the baby. You were quite snippy about people who can't with your "in a drawer" comment. It isn't possible to hold a baby constantly if you have a toddler too, or twins, so it's quite a lot of people. Does your DH think the baby should be put down? It's hard to know if he is nervous around you and you're telling him "hold the baby," so he is waiting for the next command.

You should perhaps get him bathing baby/taking it in the bath with him, wearing it in a sling straight after a feed and going for a walk. Make him feel more like he has a role than as your childcare help. Don't spell it out, just general "your turn," stuff. I don't mean it's your fault he's like this but you've kind of been thrown in the deep end and he is floundering a bit. Throw him in!

Dreams16 · 18/10/2017 17:42

Op is there family or friends living close by that can help out clearly your DH is a wet rag and not much help and clearly doesn’t understand how exhausting it can be to take care of baby day and night and just to desperately want some time to yourself as you’ve said to put make up on do your hair or take meds

I don’t think yabu it’s exhausting and you need and deserve a break yourself after all a happy mummy is a happy baby

Have you tried a swing for the baby maybe the motion of that might help to be able to put baby down so your not having to carry baby around all time

FlandersRocks · 18/10/2017 17:53

It depends really...I think you may be being a bit ur tbh with such a young ebf baby.

At that age the only thing that would comfort or settle Ds3 was the boob. Dh was/is a fantastic father but he was pretty stuck with ds3 through no fault of his own.

He'd always have to hand him over after far less than an hour because until 3 months ish unless ds had a nipple in his mouth at least every hour he'd be inconsolable.

Hidingalion · 18/10/2017 17:55

whooah, babies "learn" to be clingy if you never put them down? you should be fine with them crying? At EIGHT WEEKS? you guys should read up on some more recent information.

Hidingalion · 18/10/2017 17:58

And yes, when you have a toddler you can't, so they cry a bit, but you sling them up, or if they're in the bouncy chair you stay near, you go to toddler, back to baby, back to toddler, pick up baby, etc. I can't believe anyone just shrugs and says oh well they cry. not at 8 weeks.

DeleteOrDecay · 18/10/2017 18:04

Do some people realise this is an 8 week old newborn we’re talking about here... not an 8month old.

ElizabethShaw · 18/10/2017 18:15

Its not about literally holding the baby for an hour, its about looking after him.

I have a 5 week old and DH is perfectly able to look after her for several hours, but he does have bottles, dummy, swing and pram at his disposal.

Your DP should definitely look after the baby for a couple of hours but your baby may well need to feed/suckle in that time.

Notreallyarsed · 18/10/2017 18:22

The point isn’t what the baby understands or is doing, it’s that OPs DH is making no fucking effort to parent and is determined to dump it all on her before she’s even had time to herself properly.
Fucking hell she’s had a rough time on here when all she is asking for is a bit of time to herself without a whinging man interrupting it because he can’t work out how to parent. That’s ridiculous. Especially if he’s not a first time dad.

Why shouldn’t OP have an hour/couple of hours to herself to have a bath/do her hair/read a book/do something that doesn’t involve being solely responsible for a tiny baby because her DH can’t/won’t step up?

noeffingidea · 18/10/2017 18:33

were other people's babies really playing with toys at eight weeks old well mine certainly were. But then I didn't hold them all the time. They had mobiles, they went in their bouncy chair or laid on the floor, not for hours on end but starting off for maybe 5 minutes. If I put the baby gym over them they would swipe at the rattles with their hands.All considered perfectly normal when my kids were babies. I've never actually come across any 8 week olds that are still at the just eating sleeping and pooing stage.

Notonthestairs · 18/10/2017 18:34

Yes, I remember this very well. We got a bouncer and sometimes DH would lie with baby on his tummy and watch The Wire on box set. The only issue was changing the disc!
I'd breastfeed, stick on my coat and be straight out the door for a walk (note: remember to do up shirt after feeding, I was in such a hurry once I went out practically topless).

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