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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH can hold the baby for longer than an hour?

103 replies

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:31

DS is 8 weeks old and ebf. AIBU to think that DH should be able to hold him, without drama, for longer than 1 hour? I never get time to myself and feel like a touched-out tramp. I'd like some time to do hair, makeup, wash and take medication (I have a skin condition). I have anxiety and depression.

Typically, about 50 minutes in DH starts asking "How long are you going to be?" and/or standing outside bedroom door with crying baby.

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 18/10/2017 14:57

I'm out op. I said nothing about your bloody ovaries! Take your rude behaviour elsewhere.

I was merely making a couple of suggestions.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 18/10/2017 14:58

OP tackle this now. I've just been ill in bed for 3 days. Five children on my partner has finally realised that being me is bloody exhausting......he's done everything except breastfeeding the nine month old.

RavingRoo · 18/10/2017 14:59

You could express and feed baby bm through the bottle. That leaves your DP no excuse.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2017 14:59

TBH at 8 weeks why can't he just lay the baby on his chest and play Call of Duty or watch Scarface or do other manly and appropriate activities? That's what DH used to do. They just want to be close, you don't have to be bored.

He thinks it's your job and that needs knocked on the head.

lizzieoak · 18/10/2017 14:59

I hear you, I went and slept in the car one night, both to try to get a few hours sleep and to try to force him to help. YANBU.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/10/2017 14:59

I hold baby for many hours on end. I've never actually left the house without him.

I’m sure you do, and I applaud you for doing it, but not everyone can.

I’ll ask again - What is the problem with putting the baby down? What happens? Is it that you want your DH to physically hold him but your DH doesn’t think it’s necessary?

BlueSapp · 18/10/2017 15:01

OP was just saying they're both first time parents she has no more experiance than him but he is refusing to try so she is left to pick up the slack, its no wonder your drained OP your doing the job of two people.

MrsGoToBed80 · 18/10/2017 15:01

He may well be frustrated because he doesn't know what to do. I bet OP feels like that sometimes too - I know I did when my DS was tiny. I clearly remember sitting in hormonal, exhausted tears with him in my arms saying 'please stop crying, I don't know what you want!' But, I learned. As us Mums do - we don't have a magic handbook to learn from we just crack on and get on with it. Yes, OP has the magic comforting boobs but other than that, Dad needs to learn how to comfort and settle his child.

I also remember DH trying to comfort a screeching DS when he was newborn and I was having a bath. I'd just fed him so he wasn't hungry and he brought him in the bathroom saying 'what shall I do, he's crying?' I just looked at him and said 'what makes you think I know?' I didn't have a clue either! He was fed, winded, clean, warm, being cuddled etc - sometimes babies do just cry and both parents need to learn how to deal with that.

Ilovevegas · 18/10/2017 15:02

Been there OP, even had the old chestnuts 'you're so much better at it than me' Angry well I didn't just 'know' what to do I've had to learn as well Hmm

It's bloody infuriating! When I pick my DH up on things he doesn't fucking do I get 'well I took him for you to have a bath yesterday' fuck me I didn't realise how grateful I should be to be able to participate in personal hygiene Confused

My DS was a Velcro baby (reflux & milk allergy) but I needed to be able able to put him down, bought a vibrating chair & he loved it, just a thought for you.

Put your foot down now OP it will only get worse if you don't!

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 18/10/2017 15:06

Tbh I couldn’t hold a baby for an hour

Really? Sitting on the sofa with an 8 week old baby is hardly onerous Hmm

BellyBean · 18/10/2017 15:06

I also have an 8 wo. DH took a day off work last week to give me some me time. We went shopping for some of it, and he wore DD in the sling so I could try on clothes.

Has learned how to settle the baby for a nap? He'll struggle with more than an hour til he can.

Some expressed milk is also something to consider, so he can't hand baby back on the pretext of hungry.

MrsGoToBed80 · 18/10/2017 15:06

Ooh yes @Ilovevegas suggestion about a vibrating (or swinging) chair is a good one (waves to a fellow mum of a Velcro reflux baby!). That might give you a bit of time to just have a coffee in peace OP or stick a bit of mascara on.

Benedikte2 · 18/10/2017 15:07

Does he and you want more children? If you do plan for another some time tell him you won't co-operate unless he contributes more time to parenting.
Try handing baby to him and leaving the house immediately -- he needs to feel solely in charge so he has to find a way to pacify your DS and not to think he can rely on you.
If you persevere the situation will improve as baby gets older and more responsive and easier to manage.
Good luck.
I was in you position but exDH didn't hold ours for more than 5 minutes and I was totally on my own -- it's very difficult and I empathise. My ex was totally narcissistic hence now ex and has missed out on all the joys of parenting and his DC decided to go nc in teen years. Hopefully you picked better than me!

Coastalcommand · 18/10/2017 15:10

Depends on the baby. At that age my daughter just wanted me. It's only a short time and it wasn't worth distressing her.
Other babies would have been happy to be away from their mums for much longer.
Only you know your baby.

albertatrilogy · 18/10/2017 15:10

My daughter would cluster feed in the evening and so it was sometimes hard to get time apart then. (I remember sitting on the bathroom floor to feed her.)

But it's still important to get time to yourself. Maybe earlier in the day at times when the baby naps or is less hungry. Or via expressing milk.

I did regularly go out with my husband for just a few hours in the evening from the time when my daughter was just a few months old - leaving the baby with a trusted babysitter and expressed milk.

FurryGiraffe · 18/10/2017 15:11

Has your DH tried having him in the sling? My DH used a sling loads with our two. It really helped establish a bind. He did lots of skin to skin with them too. EBF is not an excuse for him avoiding parenting- the only thing he can’t do is feed!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/10/2017 15:12

Really? Sitting on the sofa with an 8 week old baby is hardly onerous Hmm

I beg to differ Grin

It’s not clear from the OP if the problem is the DH not parenting, or the DH not parenting how the OP would like. Both are problems, but need tackling differently.

Butterymuffin · 18/10/2017 15:12

He should be able to hold his baby for longer than 50 minutes. That's not even as long as a Game of Thrones episode! Tell him to put a box set on and settle down, or else put baby in a sling and go out for a long walk. But holding him is well within his manly capabilities, it's not a special power only women have Hmm

Original poster
PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 15:16

He thinks it's your job and that needs knocked on the head.

It seems the only way to even the playing field is to formula feed, which would break my heart as I bf my previous 2 children (another dad). My mental health is really suffering at the moment though. I've recently increased my dosage of antidepressants. DH is also not a first-time parent btw.

I went and slept in the car one night

Interesting idea. Did it work? I fear my DH would just bring baby to the car.

I’m sure you do, and I applaud you for doing it, but not everyone can.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "not everyone can". I don't enjoy sitting for hours with baby, my arse glued to the sofa and tits out. I do it because I have no other choice. For those people that "can't" sit with baby, what do they do with their baby? Put it in a drawer?

What is the problem with putting the baby down? What happens?

He cries. And it's very, very loud. High pitched. He cries himself into a dehydrated state.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 18/10/2017 15:17

My 8 week old EBF babies wanted to feed constantly so I kept them close, it wouldn't have worked for us for them to be with someone else, even their father for more than an hour as they just wanted food from me. It's a very tough time but it gets easier once they can go a bit longer between feeds.

Lunde · 18/10/2017 15:18

Of course he is being unreasonable! Don't allow him to imply that the baby is solely your responsibility.

Now my kids are a lot older and dh is now in his 60s but even 20 years ago he took the baby while I had a long soak in the bath. He always took the early shift when they were up at 5am, he took them out in the sling and the pram. Now dh loves his Sci Fi so the dds grew up as Trekkies as he could watch TV and DVDs while holding them on his shoulder.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2017 15:19

It seems the only way to even the playing field is to formula feed I see why you say that but DH needs his 'job' like BFing is yours. My DH's was to burp, rock and soothe. He was excellent at it. And used to tell other dads how Grin Smug bugger.

Creatureofthenight · 18/10/2017 15:24

Could you look at other solutions for putting baby down - a swing/bouncer/other that might be soothing?
(Sorry if you've already tried that).
If you have got a Velcro baby then yes DH needs to suck it up and do his share.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 18/10/2017 15:27

For those people that "can't" sit with baby, what do they do with their baby? Put it in a drawer?

I used to put DS in his Moses Basket and if he cried, he cried. A different parenting choice. Is the problem that your DH isn’t parenting, or that he isn’t parenting how you want him to? Both are problems, but both need tackling differently.

Telstar99 · 18/10/2017 15:29

@PeppersTheCat

Could he get a papoose? Physically holding a baby for an hour would be a struggle for anyone to be honest. Confused. I mean, just 'holding' the baby??? Sitting with the baby on the couch for a short spell is fine yes, but the idea of physically holding a baby for an hour - or much longer as you say you do sounds bizarre.

Papoose.

www.google.co.uk/search?biw=1366&bih=662&tbm=isch&q=baby+papoose&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjY2LGOrvrWAhVHChoKHU9ACzoQhyYIJQ

I hold baby for many hours on end. I've never actually left the house without him.

Not trying to be funny, but you don't actually walk around holding your baby for hours on end, surely? That's just weird. Confused

I mean, what if you need a wee, to make a coffee, or do ANYthing?

Never heard the likes of it.

If your baby is crying and wailing when put down for a single second, I suggest you see the doctor about this, because that is far from normal.

I am not saying the baby is just your job before you have a go at me, but the baby having to be constantly held, just doesn't sound right to me.