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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DH can hold the baby for longer than an hour?

103 replies

PeppersTheCat · 18/10/2017 14:31

DS is 8 weeks old and ebf. AIBU to think that DH should be able to hold him, without drama, for longer than 1 hour? I never get time to myself and feel like a touched-out tramp. I'd like some time to do hair, makeup, wash and take medication (I have a skin condition). I have anxiety and depression.

Typically, about 50 minutes in DH starts asking "How long are you going to be?" and/or standing outside bedroom door with crying baby.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 18/10/2017 15:34

I hold baby for many hours on end. I've never actually left the house without him.

Of all the things you've posted this concerns me more than your DH. Why on earth have you not left the house with him? It's neither healthy nor sensible.

Lovemusic33 · 18/10/2017 15:36

Put the baby down, he could take it for a walk, put it in a bouncy/rocking chair or in a Moses basket. I had a clingy baby and I regret caving in and holding her for hours (made her more clingy), it's ok to put them down, it's ok if they cry.

Your other DH should be helping more so you get a break, it's his child too.

Creatureofthenight · 18/10/2017 15:36

It says without not with. As in, when she leaves the house, baby comes too.

TheMShip · 18/10/2017 15:37

@Telstar99 - it was normal for both my kids. They basically lived in the sling during the daytime for the first few months. Difference b/w me and OP though, DH did his fair share of babywearing, and I had time to myself or for DC1 when DC2 was a newborn.

@OP, will your DH use the sling or is he using his arms? DH used to strap on the baby, pop on his headphones and go for a walk for an hour. By the time he got back, baby was still pretty soundly asleep and he could sit and chat with me for a bit until the next bf was needed.

Sirzy · 18/10/2017 15:37

It sounds like you have got yourself into a situation which is actually making your mental health worse. You need to talk to your DH and HV about the issues with baby being put down because long term it isn’t goinh to help anyone if he genuinely always “needs” to be held.

Telstar99 · 18/10/2017 15:37

Agree with @PotteringAlong - some aspects of this whole scenario seems very OTT.

Telstar99 · 18/10/2017 15:39

@TheMShip that is fine to have them in the sling, and I did suggest that!!! But the OP is on about actually physically holding the baby - with both hands - and carrying him around - for hours on end. And she is getting very irked that her husband won't do the same.

ThreeFourAll · 18/10/2017 15:39

He should let you have some time to yourself it's not fair however the crying mustn't be nice for anyone.
One of mine was just like this, turned out it was silent reflux have you spoken to the health visitor about it? (Sorry if you already thought of this)
maybe try stressing to your husband that you will be x amount of minutes and you'll ignore him until you're clean and meds taken so he just has to deal with it.

Eliza9917 · 18/10/2017 15:40

Breastfeeding seems to be a get out of jail free card for DH. If I formula fed he would have no excuse but to hold the baby, would he? And I could have as long as I need? I can't see how to get equity in this relationship unless I give up bf, which is a damn shame

Express milk and the DH can feed the baby just as much as you.

Start getting the baby used to not being constantly held as like I'm sure you're finding out now, you make a rod for your own back.

LewisThere · 18/10/2017 15:42

Yep, I agree with other posters. You need to actually go out of the house, physically.
Go down to town in a coffe shop and have an hour to yourself. And then 1.5 hour.
Do it every week.
Hand over the baby when your DH comes back home in the evenings. Get him to give your (together) baby a bath.
Get him to out for a stroll with baby in the pram or in the sling.

He might find it really hard to hold the baby for an hour. But then so do every single mother, incl you, who has to do that everyday, all day.

In effect, start involving him MORE in the looking after the baby.
And make it clear that if he is crying, the answer is not always a boob.

Ceto · 18/10/2017 15:45

Pottering, OP said she'd never left the house without the baby, not that she'd never left the house with him. It makes a difference!

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 18/10/2017 15:45

Bf shouldn't make much difference in terms of him pulling his weight. I bf dc1 for 18 months and am (literally) currently bf dc2. Dh had always done his share.

I suspect giving up bf isn't the answer and is likely to just lead to resentment when he still doesn't do his share. Is he using it as an excuse? If so, perhaps express and pass baby to him for the express feeds - make a firm plan, for example one evening feed, twice a week (to stay with!) And leave the house for a walk our whatever while he does it.

diddl · 18/10/2017 15:46

Blimey, the baby is only 8wks!

Not sure how much I'd been out without mine at that age.

Husband was working all day & then often I was feeding in the evening/didn't feel like going out.

Perhaps you need to just go out for a walk for an hr or so, Op.

Don't stop bfeeding of you don't want to & don't express if you don't want to-there's other stuff your husband can do.

Ceto · 18/10/2017 15:48

DS always wanted to be held, and in fact he cried even if I was holding him whilst sitting down unless he was either sleeping or feeding - I walked many a mile pacing up and down with him on my shoulder. But what worked like a charm was taking him out in his buggy or in the car. Is your baby like that, OP? If so, presumably your DH can push the buggy and develop a better relationship with his son.

Thirtyrock39 · 18/10/2017 15:50

My baby used to want to be on me as in asleep on my chest in a skin to skin type position but I didn't have to hold her with both hands. I look back on it now with rose tinted specs as a time when I sat under a sleepin baby for hours watching tv but I remember actually finding it quite boring and feeling trapped it is relentless with a baby you can't put down u used to cArry dd1 to the loo with me as didn't feel I could put her down as panicked if she cried. With my second I couldn't do this as had toddler to entertain so the baby was put in Moses basket cot or sling and there was a bit more crying to start with but it was worth it (plus I knew if it was a tired cry or hungry cry) The other thing that helped is a lie down pram so you can keep them asleep in it after a walk and wheel the pram into the house and they'll stay asleep 😴 I wish I'd had this with my first

kittensinmydinner1 · 18/10/2017 15:52

Constantly held babies are of course ‘clingy’ when they are put down. You are not doing yourself, DH or in fact anyone who may want to help you a favour by believing baby is ‘too clingy to put down’ Babies cry. It’s what they do. Get him a bouncy chair and both crack on with life.
Didn’t have slings when mine were young, all managed well with bouncy chairs /Moses baskets. First more ‘clingy’ than the other two but that was because I allowed it and didn’t know what I was doing.
All were breast fed.
You need to get a grip on this OP as DH will (I presume) be at work in the day and you will need to get on with life.
Little steps. Baby in bouncy chair watching you while you shower. Don’t stop the shower if he cries. He will be fine. Same whilst cooking . Finish your task . Gradually extend length of tasks (yourself or DH) until eventually when he realises you haven’t gone away... the crying will stop.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 18/10/2017 15:52

Of course YANBU. I assume he’s sat and watched a TV programme for an hour or even a film. Holding a small baby whilst doing so is hardly an onerous task. If the baby settles in the sling, sent DH and baby in th sling out for a walk.

noeffingidea · 18/10/2017 15:54

I would never hold a baby for an hour (unless they were ill) so I'm with your husband on that. I agree he should take his turn in looking after the baby though.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 18/10/2017 15:55

Oh, and it might be useful to have some stock answers when he pleads ignorance about how to look after dc

"He needs fed" -> there's an expressed feed in the fridge
He prefers you -> that's why you need to spend more time with him
He's crying -> that's what babies do, comfort him/feed him/do whatever he needs you, as his parent, to do!
I'm stressed -> so am I, we're doing this together

I don't mean be conformational, far from it. But keep reminding him, verbally and practically, that you are both doing this.

It might also help to ask his opinion/advice every now and again (even if you don't feel you need it) I tended to just get on with things with dc1 which inadvertently caused dh to have fewer opportunities to learn and be involved. When I realised and stopped, it was much more enjoyable for both of us!

Coconutspongexo · 18/10/2017 15:59

Your baby is clingy because that's all he knows because you never put him down.

They don't need to be held constantly. Lots of people don't leave their house without their 8 week old that's normal from what I've seen but still he doesn't need to be held constantly.

kaytee87 · 18/10/2017 16:03

I’m another one that never held my baby for a full hour (unless he was crying). I’d just put him in Moses basket/bouncer at that age and get on with what I was doing or lie him on my chest and watch sopranos Smile
If you’re baby is crying every time he is laid down could he possibly have reflux?

blackteasplease · 18/10/2017 16:03

I think OP means care for the baby for that long surely, not literally hold him

kaytee87 · 18/10/2017 16:04

Reading the updates, I think op defo means literally hold.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2017 16:09

Your DH takes him for a walk, a drive or he puts him in the sling!

LewisThere · 18/10/2017 16:10

Oh fgs, we all know that some babies are Velcro babies and will not be put down.
This is an 8 weeks old baby. Some babies are just like this and they are not like this because they have been 'trained' to expect to always be in their mum arms.

However, the question of whether this baby has reflux is a very good one too that might well be worth investigating.

It doesn't change the fact that his dad should still be able to step up and hold his own child for one hour.