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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Paying DH to do work on our property

145 replies

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 10:26

Background info: DH and I married for 10 years, no kids, both work full time, comfortably off. When we first met I had my own property, he was in rented. He moved in with me and over the years we paid off a large chunk of the mortgage. We split all bills and mortgage but I paid a larger share as I always earned more. We were able to release some equity to buy a bigger house and rent the first one out. The first property is mortgaged in my name only (DH is fine with this) and DH has more or less left me to deal with the day to day issues of managing a rental. He tends to regard it as 'my' property but when we talk about the future he will acknowledge it as OUR investment, which is what we planned. I see it that legally we own both properties equally regardless of where we each started.

DH is an ex plumber. He has fixed various plumbing related issues at the rental property over the years but has been vocal about how much he dislikes doing it. He wants to spend his evenings and weekends relaxing and doing what he wants as much as possible.

Most recently, the tenants reported a plumbing problem and DH was reluctant to get involved, leaving it to me, the tenants and the water provider to sort out. The tenants and I have no plumbing knowledge but eventually we got the problem sorted after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. The water provider also identified a non-related plumbing issue in the property that was my/our responsibility to fix. Given DH's reluctance to give up his free time, I thought I would avoid any arguments/resentment by getting a plumber in to fix the problem, which I did. Problem solved. A while later DH asked if the plumbing issue had been resolved so I told him what had happened, thinking he would be relieved it was sorted without his involvement. He asked why I hadn't asked him to fix it. I said because he doesn't like doing it so I thought I was doing him a favour by getting someone else to do it. He hit the roof and said I should have offered him the chance to do it and the reason he hates doing it is because I don't pay him. He thinks I should pay him for his specialist knowledge, as I would any other trained tradesperson - I don't expect them to work for free so I shouldn't expect him to either. He doesn't expect the going rate, just £30 or so and for me to tell him he can spend it on himself or however he likes. Bearing in mind, we are comfortably off and he has plenty of his own money to spend on himself but it's the gesture he's after.

I have no problems in thanking him for what he's done but paying him just seems wrong. I pointed out I don't get paid for doing all the laundry, 90% of the cooking and general running of the household but he said it was different as those things don't require specialist skills. His logic is that paying him £30 is cheaper than a plumber so I'd be saving money, but I feel like a) I would be validating his belief that he's entitled to payment, which I totally disagree with, b) it's his property too, OUR future, OUR investment, it's not just me getting all the benefits and WE'd both be saving money and c) he can't expect to reap the longer term benefits without putting in some effort.

So, AIBU to not pay him?

OP posts:
MillicentFawcett · 18/10/2017 16:24

He is not a random relative, he is the OP's husband. Whatever money they spend out of their joint income on maintaining the property comes out of their shared pot.

So either he does the work for free uncomplainingly, or he agrees to outsource it. His idea is just stupid frankly.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 16:28

SandyDenny - as little as possible really. The household management is not really the problem but I can see how it can all be linked to his attitude. We go food shopping Saturday mornings but then once it's all packed away he'll settle in front of the TV for the rest of the day. I tend to go out and do my own thing then but I might ask him to hang the washing out if I'm not back when the machine stops.

OP posts:
pp2017 · 18/10/2017 16:30

My DH is a tradesman also, I’m a qualified accountant, should he pay me for doing his tax return/book keeping?

Pfft what drivel lol

pp2017 · 18/10/2017 16:34

Why should he put effort (and money; either opportunity cost or materials) into your property?

Because it’s not OPs property, they’re married so legally it’s half his.

I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that the deeds are only in the OPs name because there is a balance on the original mortgage in OPs name from before they met; to change the deeds they would need to change to a joint mortgage which may not be easy or straightforward to do if they already have a joint mortgage on their new property......

Sounds like OP has a man child.

EllaHen · 18/10/2017 16:41

He sounds like a small and petty man who requires praise and gratitude for being him. Man needs praise alert!

Jesus, how attractive.

The money is symbolic of a big ole pat on the back isn't it?

I dread to think how much praise he will need for parenting his own children should you have them.

humanGnomeProject · 18/10/2017 16:58

@pp2017

That's never said when the sex of the posters is reversed. I believe it's called emotional abuse.

'People' like @EllaHen and the bile they spew show just how nasty some people can be. I imagine they're single and pretend to be happily so.

ShitOrBust · 18/10/2017 17:28

You need to secure your assets OP.
then ditch this cunt.

EvansOvalPies · 18/10/2017 17:29

We go food shopping Saturday mornings but then once it's all packed away he'll settle in front of the TV for the rest of the day. I tend to go out and do my own thing then but I might ask him to hang the washing out if I'm not back when the machine stops

And does he then expect you to say 'Thank you' for doing that? You do have a cocklodger, I'm afraid. My own DP has tried it - wanted praise for emptying the dishwasher, or ... "Oh! but I mowed the lawn and trimmed the hedges last weekend". Hmmmph - doesn't work here any longer. Nipped in the bud 25 yrs ago!

EvansOvalPies · 18/10/2017 17:30

humanGnome - What?

Aderyn17 · 18/10/2017 17:44

This sort of attitude would kill a relationship for me. Helping his wife to maintain a marital asset is not the same as using his skills for free, to help out random friends and relatives.
I agree with the poster who said that you see a team and he sees two individuals.
I would ask him to sign a post nup relinquishing any potential claim on the rental property. If he won't, then he sees it as joint and therefore needs to pull his weight when it comes to the workload for it.
I also agree that you need to stop doing his share of the domestic load - he has made it clear that he doesn't value it, thinks it is unskilled so anyone could do it. That being the case, why is that someone primarily you?
I'm honestly not seeing what you are getting from this relationship - he is lazy domestically, takes your work for granted, feels no desire to help you or make your life easier. You don't even seem to share a social life - you do your thing and he does his!

NamedyChangedy · 18/10/2017 17:53

I would find it very hard to respect someone with this attitude. He clearly doesn't see you as being a long-term life partner.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/10/2017 18:33

Just leave him already. There's nothing much more you can say: it's totally convincing that he's a tosser and you'd be better off without him.

pp2017 · 18/10/2017 19:33

@humanGnomeProject

That's never said when the sex of the posters is reversed. I believe it's called emotional abuse.

It would be from me, I’m not averse to calling out any adult behaving like an entitled little child, man or woman 😆

mygorgeousmilo · 18/10/2017 19:36

There's nothing that you've said that's convincing anyone he's not lazy and miserable git. This isn't a partnership at all.

Ellisandra · 18/10/2017 19:44

He's an arsehole.

Munchyseeds · 18/10/2017 20:07

He is being a total plonker....remind him that you are married and it is a joint asset and you are a team! Just don't understand why he wants paying

Postagestamppat · 18/10/2017 20:23

It sounds to me like the OP's husband is resentful of the money situation and a bit lazy.

If the OP is the higher earner and they are both contributing equally to the joint expenses, is he putting in a higher share of his salary? Maybe they both started out on the same page with having a careful attitude to money and focusing on saving, but maybe he is tired of that now and wants to be able to spend cash with no guilt. Also as pp have said he is tired of being expected to do jobs for free or with little thanks. Is anyone else asking him? I can understand his point of view on the financial side. He's expressed it unclearly but I'd be a little annoyed as well.

But he does sound lazy and like he takes the OP and her work around the house for granted. That is a separate issue and good luck to her in sorting that out.

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/10/2017 20:51

postage - op said We split all bills and mortgage but I paid a larger share as I always earned more

I'm guessing that is still the case.

He sounds like a lazy, cocklodging gold-digger, op.
He's happy to leave all the work of building/managing his investment to you - and expects it done for free.
Yet the tiniest bit of effort on his part is going to cost?
So he wants to line his pockets twice over is what he's saying - once whenever odd jobs need doing, second when the retirement/divorce pays out.
Win/win for him - both re the property and at home.

How did you not laugh at him when he asked for payment? Grin

wonderingstar01 · 19/10/2017 00:03

Oh, and I thought my exH was the only dick in the village.

When we split, he owed me £30k and he sent me a statement off-setting the debt against the £400 a month he contributed towards food, bills, holidays, fuel etc. Turns out he'd spent £26k in two years in Tesco!

He was a builder and did work for me before we lived together which I always paid him for. Once we were married, he went into a huff if I asked him to do anything in the house we shared because he wasn't getting paid.

wobblywindows · 19/10/2017 22:42

I wouldn't trust him to do any plumbing on the house in future. Nothing I can quite put my finger on, just wouldn't. So he moved in with you in house #1, you paid off a good bit of the mortgage and released enough equity to live in a bigger house. So house #1 is back to square 1. Guess where you'll be living if you divorce ?

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