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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Paying DH to do work on our property

145 replies

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 10:26

Background info: DH and I married for 10 years, no kids, both work full time, comfortably off. When we first met I had my own property, he was in rented. He moved in with me and over the years we paid off a large chunk of the mortgage. We split all bills and mortgage but I paid a larger share as I always earned more. We were able to release some equity to buy a bigger house and rent the first one out. The first property is mortgaged in my name only (DH is fine with this) and DH has more or less left me to deal with the day to day issues of managing a rental. He tends to regard it as 'my' property but when we talk about the future he will acknowledge it as OUR investment, which is what we planned. I see it that legally we own both properties equally regardless of where we each started.

DH is an ex plumber. He has fixed various plumbing related issues at the rental property over the years but has been vocal about how much he dislikes doing it. He wants to spend his evenings and weekends relaxing and doing what he wants as much as possible.

Most recently, the tenants reported a plumbing problem and DH was reluctant to get involved, leaving it to me, the tenants and the water provider to sort out. The tenants and I have no plumbing knowledge but eventually we got the problem sorted after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. The water provider also identified a non-related plumbing issue in the property that was my/our responsibility to fix. Given DH's reluctance to give up his free time, I thought I would avoid any arguments/resentment by getting a plumber in to fix the problem, which I did. Problem solved. A while later DH asked if the plumbing issue had been resolved so I told him what had happened, thinking he would be relieved it was sorted without his involvement. He asked why I hadn't asked him to fix it. I said because he doesn't like doing it so I thought I was doing him a favour by getting someone else to do it. He hit the roof and said I should have offered him the chance to do it and the reason he hates doing it is because I don't pay him. He thinks I should pay him for his specialist knowledge, as I would any other trained tradesperson - I don't expect them to work for free so I shouldn't expect him to either. He doesn't expect the going rate, just £30 or so and for me to tell him he can spend it on himself or however he likes. Bearing in mind, we are comfortably off and he has plenty of his own money to spend on himself but it's the gesture he's after.

I have no problems in thanking him for what he's done but paying him just seems wrong. I pointed out I don't get paid for doing all the laundry, 90% of the cooking and general running of the household but he said it was different as those things don't require specialist skills. His logic is that paying him £30 is cheaper than a plumber so I'd be saving money, but I feel like a) I would be validating his belief that he's entitled to payment, which I totally disagree with, b) it's his property too, OUR future, OUR investment, it's not just me getting all the benefits and WE'd both be saving money and c) he can't expect to reap the longer term benefits without putting in some effort.

So, AIBU to not pay him?

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/10/2017 11:59

Because it is a rental property and the op (the landlord) is married to the person doing the work SandyDenny. It's the same as if the op tried to claim back labour costs for any work she has done herself.

I'll see if I can dig out the relevant bit of the relevant HMRC tax manual later but I'll warn you, it's not scintillating reading!

ToothTrauma · 18/10/2017 11:59

He’s out of his fucking mind.

FinallyHere · 18/10/2017 12:01

I can see his point

I do not see his point. I have technology skills, i use them to help my elderly parents (seems a small enough return for their investment in me over many, many years). I used to do it all for DH, too, till i decided it was taking up too much of my time, so i suggested he find someone else, which he was, to be fair, more than happy to do.

Somehow, suggesting that his plumbing skills outrank your work, inside and outside the home, just seems wrong. This would be a red flag for me, indicating that he is resenting your abilities and achievements. Are you sure his is not resenting you?

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 18/10/2017 12:02

It's weird that he moans about having to do the work and then moans that you've got someone else to do it.

The most charitable explanation I can think is that he thought it would be nice to have a bit of money just for him to blow on whatever in return for doing the work. I could sort of understand that if all your money went into one pot and he's doing it after being at work all day. But as you've got separate finances and apparently doing well enough money wise it's not like he couldn't spend the money on himself anyway.

Crescend0 · 18/10/2017 12:03

Ask him if he can think of any other married couples who pay each other? For anything?

Has this just come out of the blue or have there been hints as to this kind of attitude in the past? He clearly views marriage differently to other people.

As for his "skilled v unskilled" argument, I think he will find that there is a going rate for all types of work. The going rate for a cleaner where I live is around £13 per hour. I'm sure cooks can charge more - but not when it's their own family fgs!!! Seriously OP, I don't know how you can cope with him. Maybe show him this thread for a reality check?

Butterymuffin · 18/10/2017 12:05

He clearly resents the houses being in your name far more than you realised. I would suggest as pp said you start invoicing for all you do.

mygorgeousmilo · 18/10/2017 12:06

YABU for doing 90% of the housework, all of the laundry and all of the management when you both work full time. He's a pig for asking for money to do a job that is, as you've put it, for both of your futures.

JoJoSM2 · 18/10/2017 12:09

*We have separate finances but pay into a joint account for household bills, home mortgage, joint holidays etc.

The property rental is a separate account so he would be paid out of this one, as would any other tradesperson.

The rental property may be in my name but legally he is entitled to half as we're married and he is well aware of this.*

So you have separate finances, he has no access to the property money yet you expect him to do you favours.

And I don't think it'd be 50/50 in case of divorce. In a childless marriage, when both of you are still (relatively) young and work full time, he wouldn't get very much at all.

I'm sure that if you actually start sharing, money becomes 'family money', then he'll help. As it is, he just sounds resentful of your arrangement.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2017 12:16

So you have separate finances, he has no access to the property money yet you expect him to do you favours

What the actual fuck. They are married. I helped my 20year daughter with a vocational scheme application yesterday. Becayse a certain element of it I have specialist knowledge in. She has seperate finances to me and no access to my money unless I grant it, yet I didn’t demand she paid me and happily did it for free.

Why? Because I love her and because we help those we love. We do not do it for monetary gain or otherwise refuse to do it.

Amateurish · 18/10/2017 12:17

"We have separate finances but pay into a joint account for household bills, home mortgage, joint holidays etc.

The property rental is a separate account so he would be paid out of this one, as would any other tradesperson. "

What happens to the profit from the property rental? Does that go into your account, or into the joint account?

worridmum · 18/10/2017 12:24

If you were not married and it was your property and he wasn't on the deeds he would have a point (as in his working for you for free would improve your assist while not benefiting him).

But since your married hes basically spiting himself as its 50% his....

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/10/2017 12:26

Oh come on, doing work on a joint asset is not the same as doing a favour for a cheeky fucker neighbour. My DP is not a plumber but he sorts stuff out on our rental property. I can't imagine any circumstances where he would expect me to pay him for it. Plumbing isn't rocket science.

WonderfulWomenRock · 18/10/2017 12:28

he said it was different as those things don't require specialist skills

Meals on toast for the foreseeable future then?
beans on toast, cheese on toast, eggs on toast - oh maybe not eggs on toast as poaching eggs well takes some skill.

The whole scenario is quite bizarre. It seems to me your H is looking to pick a fight with you.

Honeycombcrunch · 18/10/2017 12:31

Whatever you would have done would be wrong in his view. He made it clear he doesn't want to fix the plumbing in the rental property then he has the cheek to moan because you got another plumber to do the work. He sounds like hard work! YANBU

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/10/2017 12:34

And continuing the tax theme: is he going to declare that £30 and pay his 20/40/45% income tax on it? Of course he's not.

The very notion is ridiculous.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/10/2017 12:34

You need to start looking at securing assets for yourself right now, because his thinking reflects the fact that he has detached from your relationship.

Protect yourself and start looking at this right now.

He's a prick.

Ceto · 18/10/2017 12:36

Ask him whether he really wants all the hassle of declaring £30 for tax.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/10/2017 12:36

Not much hope of securing anything legally once you are married. At least not without considerable expense that may negate the benefit.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 12:59

Ironically, we do pay for a cleaner. I do most of the cooking, laundry and household admin. His view is that he could do all the things I do therefore it's not a specialist skill, but I couldn't do what he does which is why he needs some kind of financial acknowledgement.

I could understand if he was round there every weekend but it's once every 4-5 months or so. We did hardly any work to the property when we lived there, other that painting (which my dad did - for free, despite being a painter and decorator), so things are starting to wear out and need replacing now.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/10/2017 13:00

Why do you skivvy for him?

Where is your self respect?

keepcalmandfuckon · 18/10/2017 13:01

What @MyBrilliantDisguise said

Threenme · 18/10/2017 13:05

Op I agree it's ridiculous but I'm not surprised. DH is a tradesperson and getting him to do anything in his own house is like pulling teeth. He doesn't want to work then do it at home!Angry however I pay anyone to do it and all I get is "I was gonna do that this weekend, what you wasting money for"?Hmm

mygorgeousmilo · 18/10/2017 13:32

You still haven't answered why you do 90% of housework/all cooking/laundry/household admin and he doesn't. Outrageous when you're birth working full time.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 13:59

I do most of the cooking because I get home from work before him and it means we can have dinner earlier in the evening, which I prefer. I do most of the laundry so that on the occasions I go away/am busy with friends at the weekend he can't complain about being left to do it, since he doesn't have to do it the rest of the time. It's only about 3 loads every weekend. I do go through phases of having busy weekends where I'm away overnight but he's not interested in socialising so we tend to do our own thing, and I don't live near the majority of my friends or family hence the need to stay over.

OP posts:
user1471449805 · 18/10/2017 14:08

Sounds like you see 'team' and he doesn't.

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