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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Paying DH to do work on our property

145 replies

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 10:26

Background info: DH and I married for 10 years, no kids, both work full time, comfortably off. When we first met I had my own property, he was in rented. He moved in with me and over the years we paid off a large chunk of the mortgage. We split all bills and mortgage but I paid a larger share as I always earned more. We were able to release some equity to buy a bigger house and rent the first one out. The first property is mortgaged in my name only (DH is fine with this) and DH has more or less left me to deal with the day to day issues of managing a rental. He tends to regard it as 'my' property but when we talk about the future he will acknowledge it as OUR investment, which is what we planned. I see it that legally we own both properties equally regardless of where we each started.

DH is an ex plumber. He has fixed various plumbing related issues at the rental property over the years but has been vocal about how much he dislikes doing it. He wants to spend his evenings and weekends relaxing and doing what he wants as much as possible.

Most recently, the tenants reported a plumbing problem and DH was reluctant to get involved, leaving it to me, the tenants and the water provider to sort out. The tenants and I have no plumbing knowledge but eventually we got the problem sorted after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing. The water provider also identified a non-related plumbing issue in the property that was my/our responsibility to fix. Given DH's reluctance to give up his free time, I thought I would avoid any arguments/resentment by getting a plumber in to fix the problem, which I did. Problem solved. A while later DH asked if the plumbing issue had been resolved so I told him what had happened, thinking he would be relieved it was sorted without his involvement. He asked why I hadn't asked him to fix it. I said because he doesn't like doing it so I thought I was doing him a favour by getting someone else to do it. He hit the roof and said I should have offered him the chance to do it and the reason he hates doing it is because I don't pay him. He thinks I should pay him for his specialist knowledge, as I would any other trained tradesperson - I don't expect them to work for free so I shouldn't expect him to either. He doesn't expect the going rate, just £30 or so and for me to tell him he can spend it on himself or however he likes. Bearing in mind, we are comfortably off and he has plenty of his own money to spend on himself but it's the gesture he's after.

I have no problems in thanking him for what he's done but paying him just seems wrong. I pointed out I don't get paid for doing all the laundry, 90% of the cooking and general running of the household but he said it was different as those things don't require specialist skills. His logic is that paying him £30 is cheaper than a plumber so I'd be saving money, but I feel like a) I would be validating his belief that he's entitled to payment, which I totally disagree with, b) it's his property too, OUR future, OUR investment, it's not just me getting all the benefits and WE'd both be saving money and c) he can't expect to reap the longer term benefits without putting in some effort.

So, AIBU to not pay him?

OP posts:
WonderfulWomenRock · 18/10/2017 14:10

he'd complain about doing the laundry - he's sounding more and more delightful with each post.

He doesn't value what he see's as "women's work".
He feels such "women's work" is beneath him, but not beneath you.
He's hugely important though, so much so that when HE does work on the property that he jointly owns with you , he requires his worth to be acknowledged by you making a token payment to him.
Because he is skilled and you are a drudge.

I hope the scales are starting to fall off your eyes OP. You are married to a sexist jerk who thinks your role in life is to skivvy for him.

Niloufes · 18/10/2017 14:10

He sounds like a right laugh...

StormTreader · 18/10/2017 14:18

"I do most of the laundry so that on the occasions I go away/am busy with friends at the weekend he can't complain about being left to do it, since he doesn't have to do it the rest of the time."

Wow, thats a good racket if you can get it! You dont seem to be doing my laundry either OP, if I complain enough can I get added to your list as well?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/10/2017 14:18

I just don't understand how you can find him the least bit attractive when he seems to have such contempt for you that he won't even pull his own weight?

I used to live with a man like this and by the end I found him utterly revolting and left him.

humanGnomeProject · 18/10/2017 14:20

Is he turning down work to look after what you make clear is your property?

I find such splits in finances odd. Maybe your DH isn't as fine with you owning the property (without his name on anything) as you imagine. I've no doubt that this point would have been honed in on had the wife/husband scenario been swapped.

Why should he put effort (and money; either opportunity cost or materials) into your property?

Laundry, cleaning etc don't require specialist knowledge. It's the reason that cleaners are paid a lot less than experiences tradesmen. HTH

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 18/10/2017 14:27

In England & Wales (probably elsewhere but not my field) it doesn't matter whose name is on the deeds or mortgage or anything else if you are legally married.

As op is.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 14:29

I should add he does clear up the dinner things every day and will do things around the house as and when needed, like general maintenance. There is work that needs doing on our house which he will be doing soon even though I suggested paying someone else, as I know he will complain about using up his weekends. He hasn't mentioned anything about payment for it though. So he does DIY at home, grudgingly and infrequently, which goes some way to evening things out a bit. His input is more the big one off projects whereas my input is more day to day.

OP posts:
eddies36 · 18/10/2017 14:29

Weird opinions he has. If you're married what difference does £30 make?! Could he be trying to cause trouble to deflect from any infidelity? ... undermining your own financial / domestic contributions to just generally piss you off and rock the boat? Does he like an argument?

Is he a good husband otherwise?

Is he just a knobheads?

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 14:47

He usually avoids arguments - we only really argue when my tolerance stretches too far and I stand my ground and say no, this is not acceptable.

He's from a very dysfunctional family and I think a lot of his odd views stem from his upbringing.

OP posts:
lovecheeseandbiscuits · 18/10/2017 14:50

"Clipper tight arse into the back of his head"!!! Howling!! 😂😂

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 14:52

humanGnomeProject no he isn't turning down work to work on the rental property, he's not a plumber now but still works in the industry

OP posts:
AtHomeDadGlos · 18/10/2017 14:53

How much does he pay you to hoover and clean?

StormTreader · 18/10/2017 14:58

"His input is more the big one off projects whereas my input is more day to day."

But its the day-to-day stuff that gets you. I would FAR rather spend three hours power-washing the decking than clean the bathroom for a year.

CheerfulMuddler · 18/10/2017 15:15

As someone who's also self-employed, I have some sympathy with him, actually. Self-employed people get asked to do stuff for free or discounted ALL THE FUCKING TIME - for friends, for charities, for cheeky fuckers. Sometimes we smile politely and do it, sometimes we say, "Hey, actually I have to earn a living here" and don't.

Doing something that's your day job in your spare time feels very different to doing housework or childcare or DIY. That stuff is life management, but your day job is your day job - it's a skill that you worked hard for and deserve to be paid for - particularly if you're giving up your free time to do it in - particularly, particularly if you've already done it for free (or refused to do it for free) for your granny and your scout group and your stepdad.

I also wouldn't count your property management as household work - I'd count that as part of your job. He's chosen to have a job that works longer hours, you've chosen a job that means you come home earlier, but you also earn money through renting a property. That's part of your work portfolio. If you worked for a housing corporation and brought home a salary instead of weekly rental income, you wouldn't expect him to do plumbing for free.

He's also right that this makes no sense for either of you financially - you're spending more than you need to to give work to one of his competitors.

HAVING SAID THAT, all the above only works if both of you are happy with the amount you both contribute to the house. If you feel like your cooking and washing is entirely fair enough because he does all the DIY and computer-fixing and washing up, then saying "well, I cook dinner" is pretty irrelevant because he's paying you back for that already IYSWIM. If, in fact, you're counting his free plumbing as part of his work towards the household, and feel like he's not doing his fair share without it, then that's a separate issue and one the two of you need to figure out together.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 15:17

AtHomeDadGlos we pay a cleaner to come in once a week to do the majority of the cleaning and it's just a case of staying on top of it during the week which doesn't take long.

StormTreader yes, I agree. Often I don't feel like cooking after 8 hours at work, just the same as he doesn't feel like fixing something at the weekend, but that's all part and parcel of being an adult, with adult responsibilities for the life we have chosen! If I had the skills I would much rather do the big stuff and have everyone praise my work at the end, rather than the endless, thankless drudgery of cooking and laundry!

OP posts:
WonderfulWomenRock · 18/10/2017 15:22

Cheerful the H is NOT self-employed. And he no longer works as a plumber - but he used to so he has plumbing skills.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 15:26

CheerfulMuddler I get your point and it might be different if he was self employed, but he's not. He's paid a salary for a Mon-Fri office job. I get paid a salary for my Mon-Fri office job. We then have extra responsibilities on top of that 1) household management, and I'm ok with how that is split and 2) property rental, I manage the day to day responsibilities, he has the skills to deal with the plumbing issues but wants paying for it. I see it that we're playing to our strengths - I'm better with dealing with tenants and he's better at hands on stuff. I don't take or expect payment for what I do.

OP posts:
CheerfulMuddler · 18/10/2017 15:35

But PP are right - that house is in your name, and it WOULDN'T get split fifty/fifty if you divorced - you would get to keep a larger share of the household assets.

If you had joint assets and owned the house jointly and had a prenup that said you were going to share everything 50/50 on divorce, then sure. But that's not the situation here. Part of the way you earn your income (which goes into your account, not a joint account) is by managing the house. If you feel like it's a joint venture, and he should do a share of the work, then he should get an actual share of the profits, into his private account to spend on what he wants, commensurate with what he's putting in.

SandyDenny · 18/10/2017 15:55

So what exactly does he do at the weekends/evenings towards the running of the house that are recurring tasks?

My XP was very similar to this, he didn't have a manual type job and was pretty hopeless at DIY, he thought working and earning money was enough and yes, it is a huge part of why he's X

BorisTrumpsHair · 18/10/2017 16:16

that house is in your name, and it WOULDN'T get split fifty/fifty if you divorced
if this is true OP this is very good news for you.

lirpaloof · 18/10/2017 16:17

Cheerfulmuddler - but neither of us are profiting from the rental property at the moment. The rent goes in, mortgage goes out plus other associated costs. The plan is to benefit jointly when we retire.

OP posts:
humanGnomeProject · 18/10/2017 16:20

@lirpaloof

Okay.

I still feel like keeping it entirely in your name makes his stance much more valid.

humanGnomeProject · 18/10/2017 16:20

@lirpaloof

Okay.

I still feel like keeping it entirely in your name makes his stance much more valid.

Danceswithwarthogs · 18/10/2017 16:21

Write a check £30 out of your joint acct.... How can you pay yourself? Silly man.

FinallyHere · 18/10/2017 16:22

I think a lot of his odd views stem from his upbringing

Whereas, I think that his views and behaviour stem from the 'worth a try if you can get away with it' school of partner management. Life with someone, especially when you do not have the responsibilities of children and are both working full time, is not supposed to be this difficult and being on ones own, or finding a partner with whom one can feel comfortable and a team, is not easy but oh, it feels a lot better than the relationship you describe. All the best.