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Original poster

To struggle with #metoo

362 replies

BookyBook · 17/10/2017 09:29

Is anyone else struggling with this?

I can't even articulate why and why I am so reluctant to post #metoo myself, although don't want to not either. My FB thread is full of it and I didn't realise it was a thing to do until yesterday and it has completely blindsided me.

Having said that I think it makes a very strong point, I just feel a little teary about seeing all the #metoos today in a way that is making me relive my own experiences that I have trained myself not to think about too much usually.

Is anyone else the same?

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 17/10/2017 12:11

Some bloke on my facebook is saying that women who haven't been assaulted should pipe up with #NotMe so that people can see that for every woman who says #MeToo there is 100 who haven't been.

He's perfect proof of why awareness raising is long overdue then.

From Rape Crisis but drawn directly from official government statistics:

1 in 5 women aged 16 - 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16

So his 1 in 100 estimate is way off the mark.

HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 12:13

raisins

Please read all my posts on this before you make your ill thought-out pronouncements.

I am a life-long ardent and vocal feminist. I have a long history of doing what I can to make a difference. I am perfectly entitled to hold my own disillusioned and disheartened view on this.

And nowhere have I knocked anyone who wants to take part in such campaigns, or not.

cafeaulaitpourvous · 17/10/2017 12:13

I thought it was just me!

I have been assaulted on numerous occasions - the whole spectrum from the worse to the meh....

I can put that on here as I am anonymous.....

So

#metoo —- more times than I can remember!

whiskyowl · 17/10/2017 12:13

herotherhalf - well said. And let's remember that there is a difference between "sexual harassment" and "sexual violence", the former being a broader and more inclusive category - so one would perhaps expect the number of women to have suffered the former to be higher than the number who had suffered the latter.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 17/10/2017 12:14

It will make absolutely no meaningful difference

Also - one of the reasons men get away with this shit is that we're shamed into silence.

Seeing other people talk openly about abuse must surely make it easier for people to come forward and talk about their own abuse, maybe for the first time.

Not on Facebook, but if you're carrying the guilt and shame of abuse and you feel like it was only you, but then you see friends you trust stating publicly #metoo that's got to make reaching out to them in person easier surely.

For this alone it's worthwhile.

ravenmum · 17/10/2017 12:14

Some bloke on my facebook is saying that women who haven't been assaulted should pipe up with #NotMe
Answer "But they are! Haven't you seen them?"

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 12:16

I understand what people are saying about it just highlighting stuff that's already there and I know I'm coming from it from a particular angle but ptsd and retraumatisation isn't just having to learn how to deal better.

I think there's an interesting conversation around consent and social media to have in regards to sharing possibly traumatising content.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 17/10/2017 12:18

I have a long history of doing what I can to make a difference.

Then I'm mystified as to why don't you think this will make a difference?

Do you not see the value of raising awareness? Of conversations happening up and down the land on men's harassment of women? Of it being something the media are actually paying attention to, for once? Of women who were too scared to come forward confiding in a friend after finding out they're in the same boat?

Why is that not valuable?

Facebook / Twitter may not be your thing, and you may not like the style of the campaign. But social media is a hugely important campaign tool.

HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 12:19

My answer to that ignorant man would be, and for every woman who does post, there will likely be another 100 who don't realise it's happened to them, and a further 100 who are well aware that it has, but are choosing not to broadcast.

But mostly, that his view is so offensive as to make him completely unworthy of my respect. First as a man, and secondly as a person. He has no decency, no depth, no stature in my view. He would rather demonstrate that it 'doesn't happen' to some women, than pay attention to the fact that DOES HAPPEN over and over again to a whole lot of women.

MoralBeryl · 17/10/2017 12:21

What is is that we're being asked to say 'me too' about exactly? Where does it start?

I'm genuinely conflicted as to whether I should stand up and say 'yes, I'm with you, this is a massive problem' (which I do believe it is) or whether I should just keep schtum because my experiences seem trivial (to me at least) in comparison to others.

I cannot recall having experienced sexual harassment at work, you'd have to be pretty stupid to do this to me given what I do for a living. I have dealt with some awful cases involving it though, so I'm not naive. Of course I have had the stupid comments from strangers and I did have one incident with a guy at a disco when I was about 14. Absolutely not acceptable, clearly, but also nothing like what others have been through and I don't know how victims of worse would feel about me saying anything at all. I'm not sure all victims would agree on what I should do either, judging by conversations I've had with friends.

lurkingnotlurking · 17/10/2017 12:25

It's funny how we forget... I'd forgotten until now that my first boyfriend was a bit aggressive/manipulative physically with me. Now walking around feeling nauseous

Skarossinkplunger · 17/10/2017 12:25

I have been shocked and saddened by how many of my friends have posted a #meetoo. 99% I truly didn't know and I applaud their honesty.

BUT I haven't and that's because it's never happened to me. I realise I am extraordinarily lucky but I do wish people would stop telling me I am wrong and that something must have happened.

HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 12:25

The media 'pay attention' all the time.

People talk about it, mostly in groups of people (mostly women) who are already aware.

Here and there a few women might wake up to the truth, see things for the way they truly are, and then be left to deal with that knowledge and process it over the years.

Men might talk about it in theory. A few might have their eyes opened a little. Marginally.

Then things will die down.

Return to normal.

Because it's always women who have to try to fix it. And they can't.

ONLY men can fix it. And there are just too many of them who don't understand and don't give much of a fuck when it comes right down to it.

But I don't expect you to let my jadedness stop you from living in hope of meaningful change, in fact I'd much rather you keep the faith.

whiskyowl · 17/10/2017 12:25

moral - the original wording was that any women who had suffered sexual assault or sexual harassment could write it (if they chose to do so). Your experiences sound to me like they absolutely qualify. In fact, I think the fact that so many women are worried whether their own experiences are "severe enough" to mention is a symptom of the extent to which they have been minimised!! Part of the point as I understand it is not to highlight a select few victims, but to show that almost all women have experienced this to a greater or lesser extent.

paintingmary · 17/10/2017 12:26

I feel uncomfortable also, but that feeling is why women don't tell when these interactions with men happen.

Better not to make a fuss etc.

Someone has done a number on us.

thereal · 17/10/2017 12:26

*Wonderful
*
'Please don't feel you have to say #MeToo. It's OK not too. But for your own life, perhaps this could be a beginning of getting some support and help to process and deal with what happened to you.'

I get this came from and kind place but just because someone isn't posting me too doesn't mean they haven't got help, processed or dealt with what's happened to them. And for some people they'll never be able to 'deal' with what's happened to them. No amount of counselling or metoo-ing can heal some scars.

Marvellousmarg · 17/10/2017 12:28

I'm not putting it on fb. All my friends, colleagues, school mums do not need to know.
I'm still ashamed many years later. Putting #metoo on my page makes no difference to that.
In fact it makes it worse because I don't want to acknowledge or discuss or think about it or give it any brain space. At all

I also feel guilty about that.

I'll do it here instead

#metoo.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/10/2017 12:29

I think that it's 100% fair enough not to post #metoo if you don't want to - as said more than once upthread, survivors do not owe anyone their story.
But I do think this stands a chance of being effective in terms of showing people how very, very pervasive the sexual abuse of women by men actually is. (And, also, how much some men hate hearing women talk about it, and hate it even more when women display or discuss solidarity with other women.)

But I think it's possibly too big an ask to want your social media to be entirely free of things that might distress you (not talking about angry or abusive posts directed at you but other people talking about things that have upset or angered them.)

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 17/10/2017 12:30

I should apologise for any confusion I caused BishBoshBashBop

The 'massive prick' comment was because he said I was being sexist by suggesting women comment #metoo, to illustrate the scale of the problem.
It didn't say that it was a problem that only affects women. But he felt he needed to use my post on my page to tell me I was being sexist.

I absolutely wasn't calling him a prick for having been assaulted!

kateandme · 17/10/2017 12:30

i know people too who want to help or want this stopped for there friends family feloow woman/victims who are sharing it to get it out there.

tiktok · 17/10/2017 12:30

Beryl, when you get on a bus or a train, do you automatically, literally without thinking, scan for a safe seat? If you have to walk alone at night, do you automatically, without thinking, stick to lit streets and remain aware of footsteps and cars that slow down and so on? If a man is friendly and warm to you, do you, automatically and without thinking, take care to appear no warmer than needed back to him so he does not see you as coming on to him?

If any of these you answer 'yes' to, then you can #metoo as well, because you are affected, every day, by the culture of men harassing women.

Skarossinkplunger · 17/10/2017 12:33

tiktok you have just done exactly what is pissing me off about this campaign.

thereal · 17/10/2017 12:34

What the fuck?

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 17/10/2017 12:35

ONLY men can fix it. And there are just too many of them who don't understand and don't give much of a fuck when it comes right down to it.

But that's the whole point of this. Men ARE talking about it. And groups of people other than the same old "women who are aware" are talking about it - so, those women together with groups of colleagues at work for example.

I've seen several men among friends and friends-of-friends on Facebook talking about it. Many had never realised how bad it is. Many are asking what they can do to help / be an ally.

How do you think change in attitudes happens if not by raising awareness? Are you feeling so jaded you think change can never happen?

thereal · 17/10/2017 12:36

How are any of those situations you having been assaulted or harassed? This is what I find distasteful. Screaming so fucking loud and high fiving when it's a perceived attack?!!!