Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle with #metoo

362 replies

BookyBook · 17/10/2017 09:29

Is anyone else struggling with this?

I can't even articulate why and why I am so reluctant to post #metoo myself, although don't want to not either. My FB thread is full of it and I didn't realise it was a thing to do until yesterday and it has completely blindsided me.

Having said that I think it makes a very strong point, I just feel a little teary about seeing all the #metoos today in a way that is making me relive my own experiences that I have trained myself not to think about too much usually.

Is anyone else the same?

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 11:21

No people who want to keep their own private experiences private are not part of the problem.

It is entirely your choice whether you feel this campaign is something you want to join in with.

I am no posting, for various reasons. I do enough campaigning, discussing, explaining and entreating.

Every woman is within her rights to join in or not, and I won't be judging anyone either way.

I don't like the bandwagon element either. I don't like any of those things, and I never participate. That's what's right for me.

NC4now · 17/10/2017 11:22

I've found it triggering too. It's not letting the sisterhood down to want to keep it private but it feels like it.
The hashtag doesn't tell even a fraction of the story.

chestylarue52 · 17/10/2017 11:22

I do think that it would be more helpful if every woman who knew her abuser posted his profile with #himtoo

FlyFlyAway · 17/10/2017 11:26

It's come up a few times and I'm sure I have many friends, but I didn't want to post my #metoo. I don't want to go into it especially with family, it's in my past now. but I felt the same that I shouldn't be staying quiet about it. Weirdly conflicted about it.

notsurewhattodoatall · 17/10/2017 11:29

Struggle is hard. That's why it's struggle, not a walk in the park. The one constant about protest is that it's very hard work. Think about what the suffragettes gave for our right to vote. It's valuable perspective.

It is, of course, up to women themselves whether they participate in this particular protest, but I do think it would be good if everyone who has been a victim of sexual assault tried to do something they DO agree with to try to change the culture, when they feel ready and able to do so.

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 11:29

I think there's probably little point in me writing this because I know I'm going to be shot down but I think it's an odd thing that we are almost flipping the switch and now not believing women that they HAVENT been harassed.
I believe we live in a rape culture and like I say I work with women with PTSD, I've dedicated my life to working with women and trying to create safe spaces where we can talk about our experiences.
However I don't think it's helpful for women to tell other women who say they haven't been harassed that they have.
I just think about some of the women I work with and can see how writing #metoo or having to decide to opt out could be retraumatising.
We completely need to be having these conversations but we also need to place the mental health of vulnerable victims at the centre of that conversation.

BishBoshBashBop · 17/10/2017 11:31

You don't have to do it, but don't have a go at people who are doing it.

That's right. Also however don't have ago at those who don't want to or feel uneasy about it (for genuine reasons)

thereal · 17/10/2017 11:33

*Holger
*
"Wtf people should just dismiss it, put up with it and shrug because it's no big deal and that's just what happens? Oh that's just what men do, put up and shut up?, No! That's where you're utterly wrong.

For christ's sake. You're part of the problem"

HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 11:35

That's referring to people who dismiss other's experiencing, silencing them and shutting them down, and minimising the importance of any supposedly minor acts as just something that women have to put up with.

notsurewhattodoatall · 17/10/2017 11:35

I don't think anyone, on this entire thread, has had a go at women for not wanting to do it, have they? As far as I can see, that's a viewpoint that no-one has actually voiced.

ThePeanutGallery · 17/10/2017 11:36

We completely need to be having these conversations but we also need to place the mental health of vulnerable victims at the centre of that conversation.

I agree. But it's a bit of a no-win situation isn't it. The issue needs to be publicized and talked about publicly, but talking about it will trigger and upset victims, which is bad.

The Harvey Weinstein case in the US is what makes this an opportune time to talk about the issue, but, it's also a very sensitive subject for many women, who may well be triggered.

It's like talking about gun laws in the US in the wake of Vegas. The conversation needs to be had, and it needs to happen now while the trauma is fresh, otherwise it will just be shoved under the rug again.

Firenight · 17/10/2017 11:36

I posted - no details shared as they range from fairly trivial cat calling to frankly terrifying following and in-relationship abuse. Stuff I have buried so deep it’s mostly forgotten now. But just seeing so many people post did bring some of it to the surface and i think the scale of it is hitting a few men who didn’t perhaps realise.

BishBoshBashBop · 17/10/2017 11:36

I don't think anyone, on this entire thread, has had a go at women for not wanting to do it, have they? As far as I can see, that's a viewpoint that no-one has actually voiced.

It's certainly been implied.

thereal · 17/10/2017 11:36

Oh oops sorry! I thought you were saying people who weren't metoo-ing were part of the problem. My bad. It's very early here still. Blush

thereal · 17/10/2017 11:36

It HAS been implied.

ravenmum · 17/10/2017 11:36

People who want to keep it quiet are part of the problem?
That's not what that poster said, no.

thereal · 17/10/2017 11:38

Yes and you'll see one just apologised. Hmm

HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 11:39

*experiences.

I should probably have quoted the specific statement that I was referring to.

I don't have any problem stating that women who routinely shut others down, dismiss their experiences and buy into the misogyny that is rampant in day to day culture, are part of the problem.

They're not the driving force of it, of course, that is 100% down to men and their staggering entitlement.

OnNaturesCourse · 17/10/2017 11:39

I've not read the whole thread as it won't load BUT I have been struggling with it.

I know of people using it because they have had a comment made about them, or been whistled at. Now while I find these things uncomfortable I don't then think I've been targeted/abused etc.

On the other hand... I'd like to see more men who have genuinely suffered take part in the movement as once again it is women that are predominantly taking part. Anyone can be a victim. (Clearly so going by the "I got whistled at" club)

People using this hashtag for things like
minor comments etc are lessening the impact for those who are genuinely effected.

Crazythoughts · 17/10/2017 11:39

I agree with a lot of the PPs comments.

My own thoughts on it is that I don’t really see the point in these trends/fads to post #metoo etc, because realistically, what woman has not be sexually harassed or violated? What woman hasn’t been grabbed or touched without permission when in a bar, club, or just out and about? What woman hasn’t been subjected to unwanted advances? I don’t know a single female over the the age of 21 who hasn’t experienced some form of sexual harassment, be it minor or extremely serious.

So bearing that in mind, why is everyone so shocked now? This is such an ingrained issue with our society that a few # aren’t going to suddenly bring this issue to people’s attention; everyone is or should be aware of it already.

I’m not one to air personal stuff on Facebook etc so I haven’t posted the #, but lots of my friends and family have. I would think sharing links to websites/support groups and helplines for those who have been assaulted and wish to seek support would be more beneficial, but that’s just my opinion.

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 11:40

But it's perfectly possible to talk about it and to have a campaign that doesn't put the responsibility on the victim to fix the problem.

ravenmum · 17/10/2017 11:40

Someone apologised for misunderstanding the comment "You are part of the problem". Not for implying or saying that people who keep quiet are wrong.

mscellophane · 17/10/2017 11:40

I posted metoo

I have been raped once and almost raped once but I posted it for all the times I’ve been groped or catcalled and for every dick pic I got sent when internet dating.

My DD’s saw the posts and both thought it a great idea but then both said they hadn’t been affected... I pointed out that one of them had been groped at work and the other has had many a dick pic land on their phone. They both hadn’t realised that these things are sexual harassment. After chatting we realised they have suffered quite a bit from harassment and some minor assaults.

It makes me sad that young women still think these things are just what happens, that ‘boys will be boys’.

If metoo changes just a few perceptions, then bring it on

KurriKurri · 17/10/2017 11:43

Some of my friends have posted it - and I have acknowledged their status.
I have been sexually assualted many times since I was a teenager. I haven't posted #metoo for various reasons, the main one being that it's not something I have shared with my adult children who are on FB, and not something I choose to share with them, partly because some of the sexual assault was committed by their father.

I think everyone has the right to choose to share or not to do so, I have sympathy with both stances, sadly I don't think it will make much difference. As someone posted above - the apologists for sexual assault have already started appearing on FB.

BadTasteFlump · 17/10/2017 11:43

I would not feel comfortable posting something so personal on FB, or anywhere where I am easily identifiable.

I don't feel remotely bad about that. My life, my boundaries, my choice.