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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle with #metoo

362 replies

BookyBook · 17/10/2017 09:29

Is anyone else struggling with this?

I can't even articulate why and why I am so reluctant to post #metoo myself, although don't want to not either. My FB thread is full of it and I didn't realise it was a thing to do until yesterday and it has completely blindsided me.

Having said that I think it makes a very strong point, I just feel a little teary about seeing all the #metoos today in a way that is making me relive my own experiences that I have trained myself not to think about too much usually.

Is anyone else the same?

OP posts:
MadMags · 17/10/2017 10:19

Just makes me feel uncomfortable and a bit attention seeking to be honest

In light of what it's about, I actually think this is a pretty fucking nasty thing to say.

I've seen it everywhere - some people sharing their stories, others not.

It's fine to do it. It's fine not to.

God, sometimes women are so fucking horrible about each other. And it's worse on here.

Like, a woman isn't allowed to be upset about being sexually abused or assaulted because you were raped. Some sort of sick top trumps, is it?

Today, I saw a post that's gone viral from a man who admitted what he'd done to women in his youth on the back of this trend.

He said he acted in ways that he felt he was allowed to, because society allowed him to treat women as objects to be used at his pleasure.

If this makes people stop and think. If it shames men for their deep-rooted misogyny and disrespect. If it makes people wake up to the fact that virtually every female they know has been assaulted, and several times, and by the "good guys", then why is it a bad thing?!

HolgerDanske · 17/10/2017 10:20

You're right in a way. I'm just feeling completely disillusioned and disheartened at the moment.

I have no power to actually change things outside of my own very small circle. I'm so done trying at the moment.

hackmum · 17/10/2017 10:21

I haven't done "me too" because a) I really resent other people on Facebook telling me what to post and b) the fact that I've been sexually harassed, molested etc (probably in common with every other woman on the planet) is nobody's business but my own.

BishBoshBashBop · 17/10/2017 10:21

I'm just going about my day and suddenly I am forced to relive my abuse and that's supposed to good for victims?

I agree. For me it hasn't been helpful at all and has brought back things that were buried.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 17/10/2017 10:21

More awareness is needed that men can suffer horrifically too

I don't agree with the way that person you know spoke about someone who has been abused, but I totally agree that this is about women. Men saying #metoo are missing the point. This is about the bigger picture, the culture of male entitlement to women and their harrasment of us.

It's about how widespread this is. Making it about men too shifts the focus and then we're no longer talking about that culture of men towards women.

For once, the conversation needs to centre on women's experiences without men making it about them.

Fairyflaps · 17/10/2017 10:22

I haven't posted,

  1. mainly because I don't want to talk about events that still affect me with casual acquaintances on Facebook.
  2. every woman I know has experienced sexual harassment or sexual assault - in most cases before we were even out of our teens. If people don't realise this, they are choosing to be blind.
  3. I would like the emphasis to come off the victims/ survivors, and to go on the perpetrators and all those who enable them, turn a blind eye, say it's just banter, tell women they shouldn't have got themselves into that situation.
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/10/2017 10:22

I also have mixed feelings about metoo - I don't need my current (male and female) work colleagues to know about an upsetting incident which happened 25 years ago.

I also don't want to be pressured into revealing private information on a public forum.

But I think women are already quite aware of how much sexual assault goes on, it's just because we never talk about it that it gets swept under the carpet. So for those women who want to share and start a conversation, I think that can only be a good thing. However, as mentioned upthread, I fear it will be dismissed as people jumping on the latest FB bandwagon.

ThePeanutGallery · 17/10/2017 10:23

I'm just going about my day and suddenly I am forced to relive my abuse and that's supposed to good for victims?

Surely that depends on the victim. For every woman who feels traumatized by it, there is another who feels liberated to finally say "Me Too" publicly. It's an emotive topic and one that is going to have positives and negatives associated with it, like any emotive topic.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 17/10/2017 10:23

I feel a bit like posting #wellduh instead, it just seems so obvious that almost all, if not all women are going to be pestered in some way

But it's not obvious, that's the point. Most decent men have NO IDEA what women go through. Why would they when we never talk about it? How would they know?

This is an attempt to change that.

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 10:23

Also I think it's very unkind to try to prove to a woman who doesn't think she's been abused or harassed that actually she has. How is that your place?? What damage are you doing?

ThePeanutGallery · 17/10/2017 10:25

I don't need my current (male and female) work om to know about an upsetting incident which happened 25 years ago.

But you're just posting #Metoo, you don't need to post your story. I haven't, and none of the women on my FB feed have. They've just posted #Metoo. Hmm

IwantLEGO · 17/10/2017 10:26

I hate these things normally but I do actually think in this case it is making an impact. It's a difficult thing to do and I know there will be thousands who suffer who don't post. I totally respect that. A lot of us don't want to answer the questions it invites.

I hope though that it will help to begin to break down barriers and for it to become more openly discussed. We shouldn't have to be ashamed or embarrassed. We are not in the wrong here.

If we as survivors can start to send the message that we will not remain silent and compliant anymore then surely that can only be a good thing?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 17/10/2017 10:26

I totally agree many women don't seem to know or understand how far reaching this issue is. Either because it's never happened to them or it has and they've downplayed it. Not to mention the disappointingly high number of both men and women who think it's all women's fault some men can behave in such a disgusting way. I've had enough arguments with women who are victim blamers.

whiskyowl · 17/10/2017 10:27

I know what you mean about it bringing things back. I really do. I was raped, and I've been thinking about that experience a lot more than I have for a long, long time.

But the reason I have traumatic memories to manage is not the fault of the campaign. It's the fault of a culture in which sexual assault and harassment are endemic. If we really want to ensure that our daughters grow up in a world that is different, we may have to fight a bit of a fight to get this recognised and changed, and that might be uncomfortable. Of course, no-one has to get involved - for some, the memories will be too charged, too difficult, and those women absolutely are not to blame for not participating. But I do think those of us who can go there and hold the line can do a tiny bit of good by doing so. As I said, I've been campaigning and protesting about this for years, and I think things are changing, albeit it too slowly.

I remember all the great sacrifices of life and liberty that people have made in the great campaigns - for civil rights, for the vote for women - it gives me strength.

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 10:27

'Well surely that depends on the victim'

Yes it does obviously not everyone is going to be triggered by it and obviously some women find it liberating. But considering this is supposed to be something that helps women I don't see how putting survivors of sexual abuse in that position that their PTSD might be triggered is a smart move.

BishBoshBashBop · 17/10/2017 10:28

But you're just posting #Metoo, you don't need to post your story. I haven't, and none of the women on my FB feed have. They've just posted #Metoo

For some it will lead to further questions. It will for me. Whether you actually post it in FB or not.

Fairyflaps · 17/10/2017 10:29

Take this story of the woman who took selfies with the men who catcalled her.

Gets a lot of traction on social media, but none of the men who are posing for selfies think there is anything wrong with their behaviour. So no change there.

duckandcover · 17/10/2017 10:29

What a lot of nasty posts. I wrote #MeToo because I was sexually assaulted multiple times over a short period of time and 'took it on the chin.' Now I feel like a mouse who has roared for saying it. How dare any of you say I am attention seeking? As utterly wrong as me condemning any of you who choose not to as cowards.

You can discuss how you feel about it without insulting those who choose a different way of coping.

ThePeanutGallery · 17/10/2017 10:30

I don't see how putting survivors of sexual abuse in that position that their PTSD might be triggered is a smart move.

I don't see how remaining silent about it is a smart move either?

blackteasplease · 17/10/2017 10:31

Hmmm

I posted me too. I'm not someone who you would guess was sexually harassed (on work experience as a young person) so thought it would be in keeping with the object of the exercise.

But all the arguments I've read about how this isn't really the solution gave been very persuasive and interesting

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 10:31

You don't have to be silent why are they the two choices?

PandorasXbox · 17/10/2017 10:32

I haven’t posted it. I understand that it’s a personal choice to post it or not but it’s a very private matter and it almost seems like it’s a bandwagon thing. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

KoalaD · 17/10/2017 10:33

But you're just posting #Metoo, you don't need to post your story. I haven't, and none of the women on my FB feed have.

Okay. But in that case, what is the point, because virtually everyone is '#MeToo'?

How many adult women (and even teens & younger) could say they've never been cat-called, whistled at, propositioned, felt-up, had their bum pinched, etc etc? Meaningless.

SentimentalLentil · 17/10/2017 10:35

'If every woman who has been sexually assaulted posted with a #metoo maybe we'd finally see the scale of the issue'

I don't think that having a campaign to raise awareness for sexual harassment is wrong, I just think this one wasn't fully thought out. The wording of it implies that if you stay quiet then you are not allowing people to see the full scale of the problem and you are not helping.

whiskyowl · 17/10/2017 10:35

koala - that is precisely the point, to show how pervasive this is. It's not supposed to be individually attention seeking, a "poor me"! In fact, in my post I wrote "#metoo, but frankly I'd be astonished if any women aged over 25 could hand on heart say that she hadn't been affected by this".