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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
Ta1kinPeece · 15/10/2017 20:12

Potter
You have posted on AIBU.
I can post what I like,

How much cash did she pay on top of the £120 ?
standard form for such places when people want to cover up their spending

Lindy2 · 15/10/2017 20:13

She'll have to get a job then to support herself.
Sadly she spent money she couldn't afford on something that wasn't essential and now has a financial problem to put right.

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 20:18

I wonder if there has been a history of reckless spending that the op doesn't know about.. . ...?

My point is that parents have their own issues, like I said I'm phobic of them now.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 20:20

Hmm0

Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 20:28

tal1kin yes but this AIBU is not about how much she payed for her tattoo but her parents treatment of it, so you are talking rubbish. I know this girl well she would not lie or spend a lot on a tattoo. She just wanted her horrific scars and mental reminders gone. No need to be so high and mighty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 20:29

lindy2 seeing as I know how much her scars affected her seeing them daily I would say the tattoo was essential to her wellbeing and not relapsing into depression. Obviously you have little to no sympathy for how self harm scars can make you feel, I only hope no children of yours are affected by mental illness as they would have a very unsympathetic mother.

OP posts:
TrumpsWigmaker · 15/10/2017 20:34

'It's your money. You can spend it on what you like'

'You spent it on WHAT? Get out'

Think I can see why she self-harmed. Poor girl. For what it's worth, I'd rather cut off my right arm than see my DD homeless.

MammaTJ · 15/10/2017 20:46

Hmm, is nobody focusing on the fact that these were scars from self harm? The young woman has parents who has said they would provide money for rent, money they can afford to contribute as stated by the student loan, which is means tested.

They now do not want to contribute because she as an adult has decided to get a tattoo. The amount of people who get told when they want to interfere in their 18+ childrens choices about uni, job, etc that they are ADULTS and they should say nothing is limitless.

I wonder why she self harmed? Could it because her parents were controlling?

The £120 spent on the tattoo would have been a drop in the ocean for a £2400 rent bill and they had already said they were paying it. The rest of the money the woman has is for her to decide what she wants to spend it on, not us or them, or anyone else.

They should not use money to control her in this way, but there is little anyone can do to make them!

LonginesPrime · 15/10/2017 20:48

Looking at it from the parents' perspective and on the assumption that the controlling behaviour isn't a new thing, I suspect that they've had such an extreme reaction because (at least on some level) they feel guilty or embarrassed about the self-harming.

Maybe they had reconciled themselves to the fact the scars would one day fade, and they feel that by tattooing the area, their DD has drawn attention to all the pain she was going through at the time.

Since they seem very controlling, they're probably livid that she changed her body permanently without consulting them. She really needs to break away from them.

Dragonglass · 15/10/2017 20:53

Poor girl, her parents sound awful. I hate the system of student loans being based on parents income.

As for the price of the tattoo, I have one of a similar size and it cost me £165, so £240 is believable.

Starlight2345 · 15/10/2017 20:56

I think the people hate tattoo's prejudice when going for a job ... However do you think employers don't judge on self harm scars.

I am in my 40's have self harm scars and would love the confidence to walk into a tattoo artist to see if he could do anything. I think it would massively increase my self confidence.

some people are missing the point..She didn't spend the rent .. She did have the money to do this.

I hope she gets something sorted

Headofthehive55 · 15/10/2017 20:57

IT could have been the last straw so to speak.
My DD lived with a girl - as a student. She had led everyone to believe that her parents were heartless and wouldn't give her the correct money. In fact she was so poor she was struggling for food.
It wasn't until she had lived with her for some time that it became apparent the reckless nature of her spending. It wasn't just a phone, it was the phone, the laptop, the iPad, the PlayStation...you get the picture...

OpheIiaBaIIs · 15/10/2017 21:01

Yes circumstances change so if they new income is low then their dc will receive the full loan

If parents have had an unforeseen blip in their income (redundancy, illness etc) and are getting back on their feet (paying off debt from that period, say) they won't be able to afford to support their adult children.

If they have two or three other DC and have an income of £25k, say, they won't be able to either.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 21:02

What strange ideas people have about acceptable reasons for disowning your own child.

BarbarianMum · 15/10/2017 21:38

Your poor friend. Sad My BiL's parents did similar - cut him off financially because he bought a stereo with some of his summer job money. So he got himself through uni by working 2 jobs, and on the bones of his arse. Went hungry a fair bit too. Strangely the relationship with his (extremely well heeled) parent's never really recovered.

FeelingAggrieved · 15/10/2017 21:45

They have reacted disgustingly over an adult getting a tattoo! Obviously if the rent is £2k and her parents were covering that why shouldn't she get a £120 tattoo to cover up self harm scars?! It didn't change whether she could pay rent or not. Some judgemental people here today!

RedastheRose · 15/10/2017 22:01

I think she can go to the university and declare that her parents have refused to contribute to her accommodation and abandoned her financially, there are provisions in place for when this happen. She is an adult as and as pp said the tattoo is a red herring, no loving parent would cast off their adult daughter for such a thing. Speaking as the mother of a student myself I would never leave my daughter in such a fix no matter what she had done.

SD1978 · 16/10/2017 00:04

Her parents don’t believe that they should pay for her tattoo, and that it’s her choice to have blown half her loan. Maybe if she had discussed the reasons why it was important to her before she did it, they would have been more understanding. I can understand why she has chosen to do this, but it is as her choice, and choices have consequences. Not everyone will agree with you, and in this situation clearly her parents don’t, and they have the right to that decision too.

Veterinari · 16/10/2017 00:42

This link has some useful info but it seems unfortunately that unless she’s been living independently for 3 years the loan takes into account her parents income

www.brightknowledge.org/money-and-housing/what-to-do-if-your-parents-won-t-support-your-student-finance-application

I find it pretty shocking that so many PP support parents who are destroying their child’s education, withholding contact and ostracising her from the family simply because she tried to do something to control her own mental health problems. No wonder the stately homes thread on here is full.

CamperVamp · 16/10/2017 00:50

"and choices have consequences."

SD1978. , do you actually believe that all consequences are reasonable and proportionate? Would you deliberately put a stop to your child's chance of a degree and cast them out of your home over Christmas over a tattoo.

Talk about victim blaming.

Mittens1969 · 16/10/2017 00:54

That’s awful for your friend, OP, it’s great that she has the support of such a lovely friend. I’m shocked at the attitude towards MH issues shown on this thread.

just5morepeas · 16/10/2017 01:08

Has she got any evidence that her parents have said they are cutting her off that she can show the uni? Text messages or emails or something?

Not sure if that would help but it's worth a try.

Could she promise to get them lasered off but not mean it? Or would they want to see her start laser treatment before they paid the rent? I wouldn't normally say lie to your parents but they bloody deserve it.

Hope she's ok. She's lucky to have a good friend in you, op. Flowers

safariboot · 16/10/2017 01:19

@SD1978 if you read the bloody thread you'd know that "blown half her loan" is a load of nonsense. The tattoo cost 120 quid.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/10/2017 01:32

So she spent £60 of wages and £60 of student loan on her tattoo, so her parents have withdrawn £2280 of rent money this term (and presumably will no longer make any future plans to help her if they won't even have her home for Christmas).

To be fair, the £60 is neither hear nor there in covering the full cost of the rent.

Her parents seem absolutely determined to ensure that "get a tattoo, drop out of uni and give up on a career" becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for their DD. They sound deeply unpleasant and if this is indicative of their relationship with their DD as she has grown up then I feel desperately sorry for her.

Bubblebubblepop · 16/10/2017 01:49

I don't get it. I understand the parental contribution to fees is means tested, but when I was at uni it was up to you how you paid for living costs. As PP said, you're an adult so no one cares how you pay your rent.

Either you paid them or your parents did, but the student loan you could borrrow remained the same (what with it being a loan and not a grant)

My parents earned enough that we had to pay full fees (they paid) but they didn't want to / couldn't pay anything else so I worked throughout uni to pay for rent and bills which was very common.

And the tattoo to cover self harm scars? Of course it would have to be for something that makes it so hard for anyone to criticise her for wouldn't it? I think it's irrelevant tbh.