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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kicking her out for a tattoo

447 replies

Potterhead113 · 15/10/2017 15:16

My friend is 19 and at uni, she recently got a tattoo to cover up self harm scars on her leg. It is very well done and tasteful and paid for half by her student loan and half by her own savings from work. Her parents have no refused to help her financially (her loan doesn't fully cover rent as they earn too much) her rent is now due and she cannot pay and the uni bursary won't give her any loans because her parents have money and she's looking at being kicked out with no where to live. They said she looks awful and they hate it and will only pay for her if she gets laser which she will have to pay for herself.

ATBU in this situation by not paying her or is it fine seeing as she is 19 and they have no real responsibility over her?

OP posts:
safariboot · 16/10/2017 02:03

"Either you paid them or your parents did, but the student loan you could borrrow remained the same"

That's not the case any more. It wasn't the case a decade ago. I think now just over half of the maintenance loan (for funding living expenses) is means-tested on parental income.

As mentioned, there is an exception for a student estranged from their parents. But the rules state

^We would normally expect you to have had no contact
with your parents for at least 12 months, although this may not apply in exceptional circumstances...You can’t claim independent status simply because your parents don’t want to give details of their income, or refuse to provide financial support to you.^

(You can also be considered an independent student for other reasons, for example you're over 25 or a parent yourself).

WellThisIsShit · 16/10/2017 02:07

I'm so sorry for your friend Flowers

PerspicaciaTick · 16/10/2017 02:08

Very few students will have a spare few thousand pounds stashed away just in case their parents walk away from their financial promises.

bigbluedustbin · 16/10/2017 02:09

The parents are COMPLETELY unreasonable.

This woman did nothing wrong. Her expenses were covered and she spent HER money on something that meant a lot for her own mental health. She will have had no idea that her parents would literally make her homeless as a result.

She was in no way, at all, irresponsible. The parents are.

YouMeanNothing · 16/10/2017 06:27

If what the OP said is true then it's a horribly sad situation and I hope their friend gets something resolved. But there is only one side of the story given here, with limited information and through a third party so am not gonna start criticising the parents with out knowing the full facts. There are loads of comments on this thread outright condemning them with no evidence. Like I said upthread it scares me that some of you could sit on a Jury.
If it's true that the parents did this then they're in the wrong and very unkind

mogulfield · 16/10/2017 06:32

My parents didn’t contribute when I was at uni, and the Uni didn’t help one bit (why would they, I was an adult?). I got by with my student loan, jobs and debt! Which I’ve recently paid off, at 30...
as others have said the means testing is for fees only, not living.

UnicornRainbowColours · 16/10/2017 06:36

Student loan money is to help students live while studying. Buying books, food etc. Not tattoos...sorry that’s something you save up for with your own money.

Dragonglass · 16/10/2017 06:43

as others have said the means testing is for fees only, not living.

Not true, all the loans are means tested now.

CanIBuffalo · 16/10/2017 06:43

Sorry if I've missed this but if the tattoo is on her thigh and she's away at uni, how did her parents find out about it?

Dragonglass · 16/10/2017 06:46

Student loan money is to help students live while studying. Buying books, food etc. Not tattoos...sorry that’s something you save up for with your own money.

It was her own money. As far as she knew her rent was covered so she was able to spend some of her money on a tattoo.

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2017 06:47

She has self-harm scars so has obviously been in a very bad place in her life, at a young age. Yes she's been irresponsible but I don't get the lecturing tone of some posters - why so horrid?!

They agreed to pay her rent and have gone back on their agreement. I presume as she had tattoo done? Control freaks

Why do they want her to have painful laser treatment? The tattoo's done now. I wonder why she self-harmed

I hope she gets back on her feet hopefully gets a part-time job too so her parents can butt out of her life and stop using their money to control her

JeanBodel · 16/10/2017 06:51

I had something similar with my parents. Went to uni, was told I'd get a grant.

It was only months after I got there that they were means-tested and I was told I wouldn't get a grant at all. My parents refused to pay anything (they were vehemently opposed to me going) and the university refused to give me a loan because my parents had to pay.

The only solution for me, and maybe for your friend, was to leave uni and work for three years, living apart from my parents. This was required to prove we were not financially connected.

I went back to uni 3.5 years later and got that degree. Best of luck to your friend. Fwiw, cutting myself off from my parents was a very positive thing. Maybe better to go to uni later a free woman than go now with that kind of manipulative behaviour going on.

Headofthehive55 · 16/10/2017 07:58

Can I just point out that there is no parental contribution calculation these days - parents give what they want.
If she has been working all summer I imagine she has enough with a part time job over the term to get by.

Headofthehive55 · 16/10/2017 08:07

Oh and if your friend earnt so much she got no grant at all the grant is only worth about 3700k, which is just over 1200k a term. So your friend has time to earn. I don't know another parent who gives 2400k a term, and these things are done in term amounts for rent.

5rivers7hills · 16/10/2017 08:14

My parents didn’t contribute when I was at uni, and the Uni didn’t help one bit (why would they, I was an adult?). I got by with my student loan, jobs and debt! Which I’ve recently paid off, at 30

@mogulfield well done! How clever of you to have been born early enough so you didn’t have means tested maintenance loans! Good girl, good girl!

You speak complete crap in your post, it is not only the fee amount that is means tested. Why don’t you check your facts before opening you gob?

Lindy2 · 16/10/2017 09:21

Her parents have been harsh. However, on one hand she wants to be treated as an adult and do as she wants ie getting a tattoo. On the other hand she was not planning on being financially independent and wanted her parents to fund her.
It blurs the boundaries of whether she is being an adult or still being a child.

Stickerrocks · 16/10/2017 09:22

Well if her parents are refusing to cover her rent at £2,400 per term, she needs to speak to the university accommodation office to see if it is possible to transfer into cheaper university accommodation. She may need to compromise on something, such as whether she has an ensuite or meals provided, but there are ways to economise.

mogulfield · 16/10/2017 09:26

rivers I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I didn’t expect my advice to illicit such a venemous response.
I was being supportive to the Op from my experience.
I had the maximum of all loans (call them student, maintenance) which was means tested, including the fact my parents didn’t contribute.
It still wasn’t enough and I ended up in debt and had to have a job.
I’m saying what everyone else is saying, so I’m unsure why you’ve picked on me?

Stickerrocks · 16/10/2017 09:50

On the assumption that your friend receives around £100 per week from her maintenance loan, she was very naive to think that blowing £120 at the start of term on a tattoo was a good choice, regardless of why she felt she needed it done. You have only heard one side of the story, focussing on the unfairness of the consequences of getting the tattoo, but there is likely to be another side to this.

Students are notoriously poor at managing their money, especially in their first few weeks at university. You have only mentioned her rent, but there are likely to be mobile phone bills, travel costs and all kinds of other expenses which she may expect her parents to bail her out with. She must have known that they would loath her tattoo, but she still went ahead and told them about it, despite it sounding as though it would be easy to conceal. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship on either side.

GwenStaceyRocks · 16/10/2017 10:05

Why did she tell them? She lives away. The tattoo could be covered by clothes. It sounds as though she deliberately engineered a confrontation.
As a friend, are you feeling guilty that you encouraged her to get the tattoo and tell her parents about her? Because you seem very invested in the parents being criticised and it's a moot point. No matter who agrees or disagrees with you on MN, it's not going to pay your friend's bills.

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 10:43

With parents like that I've no doubt that FOG played some part in it.

Fear-Obligation-Guilt.

Or she never envisaged it being some kind of complete line in the sand act, for all she knew it was something she had chosen to do for personal reasons and nothing at all to do with them really - she could have just mentioned it in passing.

Or maybe she wanted to say a bit of a 'fuck you' to them. Which is honestly where I'd probably be at, given the impression I've been given of them as people and as parents.

HolgerDanske · 16/10/2017 10:45

Mind you I do agree, it is a moot point.

MyDcAreMarvel · 16/10/2017 10:55

HeadofHives the student loan letter states exactly how much the parental contribution should be.

Redhead17 · 16/10/2017 10:58

As long as your bills are paid, food on the table and roof over your head then everything else. I would have saved all the money from work £10 a month for a year would have paid for it.

Headofthehive55 · 16/10/2017 11:48

myDC
Ours doesn't. It's done online.
It only states the amount that DD is entitled to from loans.
You have to work out yourself what you feel is reasonable.
It's a subject that causes much discussion amongst our friends!

Having said that I think expecting parents to pay £2400 a term is this? That is more than any expected contribution would be even if you earn too much for any grant.

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