Is DD being unreasonable

[queenthequeen]

DD wants to give up her part time job (she is at college.)

She says it is too much going to college 5 days a week and then working in the evening for three days and at the weekend. She is exhausted and says her college work is suffering.

I don't know. I can see her POV but she was earning over £200 a week and I can't afford to give her that.

She is at college, but I agree, a loan is totally unnecessary.
she needs to lower her expectations op, there is a time for expensive shopping but she needs to work at college and save up for lap tops for example.

Designer /branded shoes and clothes aren't essential. She can't be going through that many clothes and shoes that she has to buy new ones all the time

I would only expect to pay for the following provide Lunches from home
Her bus fare
Maybe her phone but no more than £20 a month
Basic clothing. Bought maybe twice a year.
One pair of shoes/trainers when actually needed.
Basic toiletries (pads/tampons, shampoo and conditioner, soap, deodorant and toothpaste etc)

All the rest is fluff and nonsense and she can buy her Jack Wills hoodies and fancy make-up, nights out from birthday money or a more part time job.

I think that's too much if she wants to do well at college.I They have all their lives to work.I see my job to support my kids until they are finished FT education.That's the main reason I go to work

She needs to start looking for another job with fewer hours.

Has she indicated that she expects you to pay up to the extent of her salary now?

This thread is quite strange.

OP, is it you who wants your dd to look as though she can afford to wear branded clothes and wear expensive make-up?

She clearly wants to take a cut in income - which she is responsible for earning, anyway - so that she can concentrate on study.

But you are asking if she's unreasonable?

It's weird. Usually, it would be the parent trying to explain to the child that they don't need all that stuff and asking the child to cut down on working hours and concentrate on studying.

And, if she's now responsible for earning her money, and you're all OK with that, you've effectively made her responsible for her decision about working, anyway. So, to cut a long story short, you long ago decided that it's not your business, anyway.

I find it pretty strange. And I do wonder what else is going on in your relationship with your dd. I suspect it's more complicated than it seems from your initial OP.

I also wonder why you became so upset when people started saying that she didn't need stuff, and that the basics (food, travel, course costs) were possibly your remit. You sound extremely sensitive about the giving up of branded items. Do you have a background of being poor? Are you over-sensitive to your child appearing to be less well-off? Dies that matter to you?

(You do not have to answer any of these questions - they are your business, not mine. I just put them out there for you to think about.)

Because, otherwise, the answer is a completely straightforward: "Good decision. She is not at all unreasonable. She sounds mature."

Is she actually assuming you'll give her the same money?

I'd suggest sitting down with her and discussing the options. Let her know what you can afford, and let her make the choice.

How old is she?

I don't think she should be working during A levels. It is such a crucial time and will determine her direction in life for decades. I think you are being short sighted. Supporting her for this time is a good investment.Tell her to quit and give her what you can afford and she will have to cut back and make do.

I would be cutting back myself to pay for it, selling stuff or borrowing it. She can work in the summer so even if she is first year, there are only about 75 weeks left. £30*75=£2,250. It is a small price to pay for her to have a better chance of doing a career she wants for the rest of her life. I'd find the money.

She should go back in and say to the boss that she needs to reduce her hours right away, and if they're not willing to do that, she will leave altogether. Her leverage is the threat to leave them short handed and needing to recruit and train someone in city season - use it.

She also needs to look for another job with fewer hours to jump ship to.

Is she 18 or under and in full time education? In which case IMO you are responsible for supporting her. She will need to understand that means no more designer clothes unless given for birthday/ Christmas. Lunch will be sandwich stuff available and she makes her own.

You can work during A levels, of course you can. I had two jobs. My son worked every weekend and every holiday and went to an RG uni.

All the D of E gold awards never make up for solid work experience.

She needs to work it out to Christmas, then drop hours and she should be saving towards uni.

When I was at college I did 5 full days and everyday I would then travel 30 mins and go to work in a call centre from 4 until 9 everynight with a 45 mins journey home. I also worked one day on the weekend. It was my choice to do this and yes i was tired but it was experience and led to a great job once I'd finished college.

You should be paying for or providing lunch and fares to and from college. You said you weren't a low income household yet you expect her to pay for those things? That's a bit crap of you sorry.

She doesn't have to buy JW etc, and presumably having bought the laptop she doesn't need another one.

A Saturday job paying £40 a week should be plenty for going out and clothes.

She's right though - she'd be stupid to jeopardise her future for the sake of Mac rather than Superdrug.

It doesn't have to be £200 or nothing. I bet £50-100 a week would be more than enough. She should talk to her boss again.

She needs to reduce her hours and cut her expenses accordingly in terms of makeup etc. It's a good lesson to learn - as adults we (usually) can't afford all we might want!

Suggest she stick it out until she finds a new job with less hours. She needs to learn she can’t just quit when it gets difficult. Yes her priority is her studies but she needs to look after herself financially too. When I was at uni (not that long ago) I worked 4 days a week and was in uni 5 full days a week never mind a 2nd job during the holidays. If she wants it she’ll figure it out. Don’t subsidise her. My parents gave me £50 a month to ensure I had food which I was extremely grateful for when I had to swap/drop a shift here and there for coursework or exams.

Yes I realise u said don’t subsidise her and then said my parents gave me money by there’s a difference between £200 per week and £50 per month. Maybe something similar.

Tbh it's quite a lot. She would have to be super organised with college work ie doing homework in breaks/lunch periods instead of socialising. I used to work 5 hours on Saturday then full day Sunday. Meant I could crack on with hw sat afternoon in local library

Wkend only?
I did Alevels and had a weekend job ( also did hours in the week too) if its too much thrn drops hours in the week.

Dont know if this is the case now, but when i studied employers had to be reasonable in regards to hours.

I would really consider letting her quit, when I did my A levels I worked all day at the weekend and until 11:30pm two evenings a week because my parents had no money to give me and it was far too much, I ended up flunking my courses and losing out on my uni places which I'm now having to catch up with years later than my peers from school.
Does she have some savings as £800 a month is a lot and her outgoings can't be that much. It would definitely be worth her finding another more flexible job which will let her work less hours, I really regret working as much as I did.

Wow. She sounds like she's working really hard in college. I think it is appalling to expect her to work in addition to this. During holidays, yes. Term tine? Very tight.

@queenthequeen sorry, I was too harsh. Shouldn't have written in that way. Please ignore me, I got carried away

My daughters school recommend no more than 5 hrs a week work with a levels (assume that’s what her college work is). If she has a heavy work load and she’s struggling I think she should give it up. You don’t have to sub her to the tune of what she was earning though. She needs to accept she will feel happier and less stressed but will be financially worse off. Life’s all about compromises.