Is DD being unreasonable

[queenthequeen]

DD wants to give up her part time job (she is at college.)

She says it is too much going to college 5 days a week and then working in the evening for three days and at the weekend. She is exhausted and says her college work is suffering.

I don't know. I can see her POV but she was earning over £200 a week and I can't afford to give her that.

She can live for a year without new clothes, lap top and can take lunch from home. She needs bus fare. Give her bus fare a d tell her to save her last few weeks of money as it’s got to last her a while then quit the job

A little money now isn’t worth fucking up a future career imo - she needs rime to study now

She can get some temp work over holidays if necessary

If she wants/needs to drop her hours then she needs to cut her cloth accordingly and budget. Don't know what her bus fare is but I imagine that she will be able to get by on 50/70 a week easily.

Perfect time to teach that lesson while there is the safety net of living at home.

💐 Don't take comments personally. It's hard I know, but try not to.

I would advise her to stick with it until after Christmas, then reduce her hours (they said not until after Christmas, not 'no'). It's only a few weeks, in the meantime look for something else, but don't give it up until one of those options is available.

Make it clear it's her choice, but that you don't have any spare money for anything you're not already providing.

Because unlike some MNers, you don't have a money tree ignore them 😊

OP I imagine you aren't coming back to this thread, but just my 2 pence worth, I think she is BU.
She needs to learn that if she wants nice things like that then she needs to work hard for them. I worked full time around uni, and I took an extra job in the holidays so was working 7 days straight each week. I knew I needed to as I didn't want to live in a grotty student flat, I wanted to be able to have fun, visit other cities, go to gigs etc.
I walked out of uni with a 2:1 (should have been a first) but a brilliant CV and plenty of strong references so I walked straight into a very good job whereas my friends who didn't have work experience had to start at the bottom.
However that's me, not her. If she is struggling with her workload, then of course something needs to give. If it's her job, that's fine, but with that will also go her financial independence and freedom and she'll have to get used to working to a budget.

My ds3 has just finished A levels - the college specifically asked that students didn't have a job that worked more than 10 hours a week.

I paid his train fare (£2-300 a term!) and he took packed lunches. He didn't get new clothes often. He had a weekend job, 6 hours one week, 13 the next.

There are lots of seasonal weekend jobs at the mo, in shops, with christmas coming up. Can she give up the demanding job and go for a proper weekend job only?

I did this, worked 25-30 hours a week while at college and came away with fantastic results. I sailed through my exams etc but I chose subjects I excelled at which helped.

I didn't spend all my money - I saved a massive chunk of it.

If I wanted anything I had to earn it - my parents took housekeeping off me too, (It was given back when I moved out) taught me a good lesson in money.

Some people can do it some people can't. It's one of those life lessons which we have to learn.

*With her money she buys Hollister, Jack Wills, nights out sometimes, (taxis and booze!) a new laptop, shoes, trainers, saving up for uni, bareMinerals and benefit makeup ...

Like I say it's an expensive age.
*
It doesn't have to be - few of those things are essential.
Her primary 'responsibility' at this age should be her education - and also her health. She's right, she really does need to cut her hours to something more manageable and then budget what money she does have.

Is she actually expecting you to give it to her..? Or, does she realise that she wouldn't have any 'fun' money?

At the moment, that work load is like trying to juggle two demanding jobs. It's too much. She will not do well at her studies.

How old is she? Is she of an age when it would be reasonable for you as parent to still be supporting her? If not, then presumably there are student loans that would be available..?

If she still needs your support then it would have to be for essentials like fares, packed lunch supplies, college-related extras. Fun money needs to come from her looking for a different job with far less hours.

OP, you don’t have to buy her all the non-essentials - but you should be providing her with the basics (lunch, bus pass, college supplies) because you’re her parent.

If she wants to buy laptops, expensive make-up and expensive clothes, she can just reduce her hours and save up, like everyone else. But you should be providing the basics while she’s still in school.

I had a family that pushed me into working at the same time as doing my Alevels and I told them I was struggling (12 hour shifts on a weekend + 2 evening shifts after school) but no one listened because they thought the money was more important. I ended up starving myself because I was so stressed and got grades way lower than I should have.

You need to ask yourself whether the money is important and whether you are happy for her to jeopardise her grades for that. If she's repeatedly asking, then she's not coping.

When I was 17, my mum called my boss and resigned my part time job on my behalf. I know that sort of stuff is frowned upon on mumsnet, but I am SO grateful in retrospect. I was exhausted, my School work was suffering, I had an eye twitch I was so stressed. I needed her to be the grown up for me and to let me just be the child. She gave me the child benefit she was receiving and it took the pressure off me. It did me the world of good - yes I wasn’t as rich as I had been, but at that age money shouldn’t be the be all and end all.

I’m on my own too and I totally understand how hard it is, but I think you need to step in. She’s come to you and told you how she feels - help her act on that now

It's a huge amount on top of full time education and leaves very little down time let alone study time.

Parents should be paying for food, travel, clothes etc though whilst still in education. She shouldn't have to fund the basics herself by working herself into the ground.

Admirable work ethic though, it will serve her well.

Our school also recommends no more than 10 hours paid work a week. DD1 is 16 and we pay for her clothes - through an allowance of £40/month that is hers to spend as she wishes. We pay for basics like undies and bras, sanpro, toiletries (but not makeup, she does not wear it). If she wants anything branded, she has to save. She gets packed lunches and luckily can walk to school. Would a compromise of that sort work for you? Your DD does need to learn that much of what she has is a matter of luxuries, not essentials.

It does sound a lot of hours if she is at school too.

And I'm sorry people have upset you. Typical these days.

I would sit down with her and talk it through. Look,at her options. Which are:

Give up the job now and not have any money. But be clear that you can only help her with essentials.
Keep the job until Christmas and then reduce her hours in January.
Look for another job with less hours.

DD1 is 16 and we pay for her clothes - through an allowance of £40/month that is hers to spend as she wishes

How much in the way of clothing can someone get on £40 p/m?

Does she pay for the cinema etc out of that £40 too?

**

I worked similar hours whilst I did my A-levels. It really had a knock on effect on my grades and ability to study and socialise.
I know some will think that it having an impact on socialising it's the end of the world but I hardly had the time (or money) to do anything and it really limited my ability to retain friends after I finished my A-levels, they were all used to me not being able to go so didn't invite me.

Anyway, IMO my parents could of afforded to sub me, they were in fact giving my elder siblings money whilst they were either working or refusing to do so, but I didn't realise at the time. I can remember begging my maths teacher to trust me that I would give her the money for my calculator and text books the following week, when I got paid and saving up for a research school trip that was compulsory for coursework (those deemed unable to pay would be provided by the school, but my parents were known to be well off).
I get that it's an expensive age, and I was a pretty cheap teenager, no branded clothes, minimal to no make up etc because I couldn't afford. If she can afford the brands then she can afford to cut her hours. Maybe look into what she 'needs' money for and that amount vs how much she 'wants'.

All that said between my partner and I we're pretty self sufficient where as my siblings still get substantial money from my parents. Only leave me a bit resentful because I think of the things I could do with that money ie a better car than my rusty old banger when they are going on holidays and getting bigger houses than we have because of the government when actually they are fully capable of working but choose not to.

Butchy she doesn't need a lot of clothes. She has been the same clothes size for the past two years so in that time has amassed a rich sufficiency of garments for all seasons out of her allowance. She lives in black skinnies, band shirts and men's flannel shirts plus DMs, or cheapo canvas shoes in summer. As said, we pay for essentials like bras, underwear and socks.

If she wants to go to the cinema with friends, she pays. A lot of the time we go to the cinema together as a family and then we pay.

And of course there's always Christmas and birthdays, which supplement the account. If you don't crave branded goods (she doesn't, most of her stuff comes from Sainsburys and the like) then £40 is plenty.

As a parent, you should be encouraging her to work less, not maintain her crazy hours. There are plenty of adults who work less than that and they're not studying too.

As an A level student 25 or so years ago my dad actually paid me not to work, his view was it was more important I did well on my exams and got to the uni I wanted. My parents were on a low income, we lived in a council house. At uni I got a full grant. But I wasn't expected to get an A level job. I did the same for DS1, and am doing now for DS2.

I'm lucky in that they don't wear expensive clothes. We live in London so travel is free - but if it wasn't I'd still pay their travel to college. I find it odd she's expected to self fund that. Ditto for her toiletries (ok the expensive makeup she prob should buy herself) and clothes. That's just being a parent buying that stuff!

Fwiw I'm a single parent too. I manage because I wouldn't want my DC to feel obliged to work all hours as a teen. Plenty of time for that when they're older and living independently.

Re-taking A levels is very, very expensive. Getting lower grades because you were working and missing out on a place at a bater-rated university also has a knock-on effect on future life-time earning potential.

It makes more economic sense to take the economic hit now, drop the hours (considerably) and concentrate on the A levels.

I say that as someone who worked during my A levels. I'm not going to say how much I worked, in case I come across as "I worked FT and did brilliantly ! It's a great idea!!" It's not a great idea.

And, like a poster up-thread, I am still angry that my parents didn't expect the same of my siblings. When it came to my own children, I assume I'll be providing travel costs, course costs, clothing (fairly basic), food and toiletries.

That's far far too much. She will need a loan if you can't help her out a bit more. She needs to focus on not failing the education part that is the whole point of it all right now. Earning will be the priority once she passes her exams.

Why does she need a loan?!

To cover essential costs she will not be able to afford when she cuts her hours that her mum can't cover.

Maybe however there were no essential costs.

I think a loan during your A levels is going way too far, karate .

I don't think she'll be able to get one, either. Which is probably fortunate.

I thought she was in college😅 Sorry, must read more carefully. In that case I'm a bit shocked that a schoolgirl is expected to work so much to the detriment of her basic schooling. But I do understand families are on the breadline.

My DD is 16 she's at college, I would assume to pay for everything for her. I'm a bit confused OP you are not on a low income but you can't afford her bus fare?

I don't know what we're arguing about here. If DD wants to quit and not have all those nice things then that's up to her, she can get fewer hours after christmas maybe. My DD is looking for 16 hours max and even then that's a bit much for her. OP you just need to pay her fares and lunches, surely if she's been spending £££s on stuff she has clothes and shoes for the time being?

Do you not have a good relationship with her? Does she not understand that if she has no job you can only pay for basics?