To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

Friend asked me to help her out with childcare over half term as she said she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. Our DD's are best friends (which is how we met) I work in a school so am off anyway, so I agreed to have her 3 days over half term, for free, from 6am to early evening

Only today her facebook has been full of photos of her at a local event, with very expensive drinks, in a costume bought specifically for the event, with posts about the costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. She had originally asked me to babysit today too, but not saying why, but I'd said no (because I wanted a rare lazy day, which by the way has been lovely)

It's really pissed me off. I don't mind helping out, I wouldn't have accepted any money offered anyway, I do mind her lying to me.

So WIBU to tell her I can't look after her DD? (half term is not for another week here)

I'd just comment... thought you were skint? ;-)

"Oh you do have money so you'll be able to at least pay for food your daughter even if you can't pay me for the X amount of hours that I'll be providing childcare".

Did you speak to her? What did she say?

‘I’m so sorry but I’ve looked at MY finances and for me it just won’t be feasible to have your dd for three days without any contribution. I’m still happy to have her, if we can agree a contribution from you for her food and activities? Hope you had a great time at [event here] the pictures on Facebook looked great!’

Yes I agree, claiming she can't even afford to chip in for food really is taking the piss.

Totally agree with op who said no money = I don't want to spend it on that

Look, regardless of the seemingly expensive day out, why on EARTH does she think it's OK for you to sub her kids' food because she can't/won't?

We need an update OP

When you get to the point that you can't even afford to feed your kids, you do not prioritise a night out. So the lukelyhood is, she lied to the OP and is happy to take advantage of her. What a great mate.

Amici I'm similar to you. I won't suffer fools though have been shit on in the past. I also have great friends now.

Could you ask your friend to return the favour and have your daughter the other two days of half term?

Amici, I completely agree with you! OP there is not a chance in hell I would be minding this woman's kids over midterm, and I'd be sure she knew why. If she doesn't have the money for it now, that's not your problem - she certainly seemed to have enough to blow on this night out. I don't for one second imagine that she couldn't keep some of it back to at least pay for her children's food and a present for you.

Her children, her responsibility...not your problem if she can't find care for them now.

The point I was clumsily trying to make is that I would find it very difficult to properly confront her about this without feeling like a bitch. I feel like if you say 'how come you could afford...' then she might reveal that someone else paid for her all day, or that she tried to get out of it but the birthday girl (or whoever) gave her a hard time, or that she was actually drinking tap water all day, or whatever. I just think it's hard to make a direct comparison between what someone claims and what you can see on Facebook.

But that doesn't mean that I think you should just put up with it, either. Just that I'm not sure how easy it is to raise this when you want to stay friends afterwards. Money is such a sensitive subject!

I'm also possibly over-identifying as I had a huge fight with a friend recently after she wanted me to come to a very expensive event for her birthday. I told her I couldn't afford it and then she saw photos of me at a similar event a few weeks later and went NUTS at me. I had to explain that the tickets for that had been a surprise gift from my boyfriend and that no, I wasn't lying when I'd told her I couldn't afford to go to her thing. I felt incredibly annoyed at having to rake over my finances and justify my social life to someone else.

Obviously this isn't the same as that as she's asking a HUGE amount from you and pleading poverty to the point where she supposedly can't even feed her child, which is pretty awful if she is indeed prioritising her social life over that.

All I'm trying to say really is that there's a huge potential embarrassment factor and that I think you need to tread carefully.

It could be that she saved and saved to go to this event and that it's the reason money is tight atm. Why don't you ask her about it? Someone else may have paid so she could go. My MIL does things like that (she gave me a huge donation to buying a new car too!) Just say blithely that you wished you could have gone but there was no way you could have afforded it...however did she manage it? If she then says something to make you feel uncomfortable you then can turn around and say that you've hit a problem with taking her child over half term. I used to pay my friend £5 an hour to look after my dd! I'm sure £60 a day would be a nice surprise for you!

Polly, she’s claiming not to be able to feed her children. Even if it was a gift from a family member, it was probably just tickets to get in. Not paying for drinks all night.

I couldn’t spend money on myself for a night out if I didn’t have enough money to buy food for my children.

She saved and saved and still goes despite not being able to feed her kids? Her MIL paid for the ticket when she cannot afford to feed her kids? Sure .

I wonder if its the same WORKZILLA cf who thought a different OP was going to have her kids unpaid for the whole Summer hols. She had an early start too!

Whatever bappened to WORKzilla?

Oh god. WORKzilla....wasn't she a policewoman?

Op- is your cf friend in the force by any chance?

Text your friend ... Hi friend, glad to see on FB you are having such a great time. Bit puzzled about your comment about costs of babysitting - you’ve not been paying anything to me!? By the way, can’t babysit any more as I’m busy.

She could be like a close relative of mine who I called out on sth similar and I nearly died with embarrassment when I understood how different the situation is from what it looks like on FB. Please be careful, do say what you think but be prepared as it's not that unlikely that you might end up apologising yourself. It did happen to me!

Huge potential for embarrassment Freida908?? To whom??? I despair, I really do!

Sorry, had a really busy day so only just got online.

Who normally has her child from 6am if that's what time she goes to work? one of her neighbours with kids at the same school has them then drops them to school breakfast club with her kids.

I messaged her just saying 'I thought you were skint?' and have had nothing back. she's been posting about another expensive day out with her DD today. There is no chance parents, PIL or partner paid as she doesn't have any of those.

I could ask her to return the favour but I don't want her to, I've got plans with my DC the rest of half term, she has said before if i ever need childcare she'll return the favour but I've never needed it.

In her shoes I would expect someone to say something like 'I'm really stressed about how I'm going to afford childcare this half term, I've already committed to going to Oktoberfest for so-and-so's hen party which is going to cost a fortune but unless I can find childcare I'm going to have to cancel'. Had she said that I may well have helped her out anyway, I'm not exactly well paid (teaching assistant) so I know exactly how that one feels.

Op- is your cf friend in the force by any chance? No she's not.