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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend actually I can't do free childcare after all

329 replies

SparklyUnicornPoo · 14/10/2017 20:58

Friend asked me to help her out with childcare over half term as she said she's struggling financially and she couldn't afford childcare, or even to chuck me a few quid to cover her DD's food. Our DD's are best friends (which is how we met) I work in a school so am off anyway, so I agreed to have her 3 days over half term, for free, from 6am to early evening

Only today her facebook has been full of photos of her at a local event, with very expensive drinks, in a costume bought specifically for the event, with posts about the costs of drinks, food, babysitter etc. She had originally asked me to babysit today too, but not saying why, but I'd said no (because I wanted a rare lazy day, which by the way has been lovely)

It's really pissed me off. I don't mind helping out, I wouldn't have accepted any money offered anyway, I do mind her lying to me.

So WIBU to tell her I can't look after her DD? (half term is not for another week here)

OP posts:
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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/10/2017 11:55

If you do the childcare you will be seething with anger and resentment. You will most likely feel shit about yourself and spend hours fantasising about ways to get back at her or give the ultimate verbal put down. What a waste of energy.

If you don't do it, you'll feel strong but she will definitely put the boot in any way she can because she's a CF who wants to keep her free childcare and free board.

As a result, I wouldn't be passive aggressive or "nice" on this one. I would be assertive close to the point of aggressive. She has to know you are angry, you are no fucking doormat and there is no room for manoeuvre.

I'd go with a text saying "I saw you on Facebook splashing the cash after begging me for free childcare. You begged me to feed your children for 3 days because you can't afford it. I am furious. I will not give you free childcare in the holidays and I will not pay for your food. Make other arrangements for half term."

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/10/2017 12:00

Have you spoken to her yet OP ?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/10/2017 12:01

Every response from her after that can be ignored or met with no response or a short response like "Still no."

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 15/10/2017 12:03

Runrabbit's text is perfect. You won't get anything ftom being polite in this one.

0hDeer · 15/10/2017 12:05

The staggering cheek of this woman!

flyingspaghettimonster · 15/10/2017 12:06

Maybe she laid it on thick about not being able to afford a sitter because she felt bad that her kid will have a shitty half term and the kid really wanted to be with her friend rather than stuck with a child minder? I
Mean, if she had come to you saying her kid really wanted to be at your place you could have just said you were busy and she would have to let her kid down... my
Mum used to childmind and I am sure none of those kids were happy kids - one used to sleep walk and pee in closets, another was almost
Mute half the time... I bet all of hem would have rather spent their week off with friends rather than stuck at our house with us.

Jaxhog · 15/10/2017 12:15

Talk to her over coffee/tea and tell her you were a bit upset that she could boast about an apparently expensive night out, but could not afford childcare. You'll be able to tell from her face what to do next.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/10/2017 12:28

I thought CF meant cunt friend Grin

If you do decide to have her dd why doesn't she just stay at yours? You should definitely ask for cash for food if you do.

Willow2017 · 15/10/2017 12:28

flying

What a spectacular sweeping statement.
I am a child minder and none of the kids I mind are unhappy to be here! Just because 2 kids out of all the kids your mum minded had problems doesnt mean all the kids who go to cm's are unhappy.

Some kids have underlying problems that have nothing to do with going to a child minder. Having worked with social services for years, coming here was actually beneficial to both kids and parents in some cases due to chaotic home lives.

KC225 · 15/10/2017 12:28

Not another CF. How was she going to feed her child on a normal school week. Surely her child gets breakfast, fruit or a snack after school. It's outrageous that she has requested this of you.

I would send madbums first text about you being glad she has had a change. Of fortunes.

I would alsocoomebt at the end of her jolly. Can you please call me.about the FREE childcare you asked for next week.
I

DartmoorDoughnut · 15/10/2017 12:31

Totally placemarking for the conversation update

FreeMeNow · 15/10/2017 12:31

That's not the fucking point you benk!

I love that! Grin Benk. Never heard it before, dunno what it means but I'm using it from now on!

another20 · 15/10/2017 12:36

Sounds like a very unbalanced friendship. Is this the first instance of her being a CF - or have there been other smaller instances in the past?

Have you had reciprocal arrangements in the past? Does she ever look after your child on her days off?

Could you ask her to have your DD for a weekend so that you and DH can go away - or have her long days so that you can go xmas shopping/have a day out etc?

How old are the kids - what has she done for childcare before?

Groovee · 15/10/2017 12:38

I’d ask for a contribution to food.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 15/10/2017 12:41

Freeme it actually originated from a typo about 4 years ago 😁

frieda909 · 15/10/2017 12:44

I'm a bit conflicted about this.

I'm on a very tight budget myself. I can afford to do fun things but I have to plan ahead and be selective about what I say yes to. I've had a few friends make rather nasty remarks if I've turned something down for financial reasons, only to go and do something else that costs money a couple of weeks later. But that's how money works. If I've already arranged to go for a pizza with Cheryl then that does not mean that I can ALSO afford to go for cocktails with Jill. It's amazing how many people don't seem to be able to understand that and assume that if you say you can't afford something, that therefore means you must be sat indoors eating supernoodles all month or else you must be lying.

That said, what she's asked of you is a HUGE favour and I'd be pissed off too. However, I think it's the way she's gone about it that's wrong, rather than the fact that she went out at all.

In her shoes I would expect someone to say something like 'I'm really stressed about how I'm going to afford childcare this half term, I've already committed to going to Oktoberfest for so-and-so's hen party which is going to cost a fortune but unless I can find childcare I'm going to have to cancel'. Then at least you'd have a choice about whether to do her the favour knowing that the money saved would be going towards a 'fun' event.

diddl · 15/10/2017 12:49

" I can afford to do fun things but I have to plan ahead and be selective about what I say yes to. "

Yes, but would you be including "feed the kids" in that?

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 12:51

Prioritising an expensive activity for yourself having blagged free childcare and saying you can't even chip in towards food is taking the piss by anyone's standards.

KC225 · 15/10/2017 12:55

Frida. I also live paycheck to paycheck as a lot of people do. But this is half term. She knew it was coming but has not to.take holiday (as a lot.od us do) or pay for childcare. The situation us really not comparable to being able to afford a pizza one week and not the next.

The long and short is that the CF knows the OP is off work from school and has decided she can look after another child for free. I doubt the CF cannot affod a bag of snacks or money for an activity, I suspect she chooses not to .......

Lloyd45 · 15/10/2017 13:01

Moral of this story don't do people favours as they
always take the piss.

Starlight2345 · 15/10/2017 13:04

As pops up on a lot of these threads...Half term isn't a suprise..It happens every year somewhere between September and Christmas.

My problem with it would be the fact it is your DD's best friend.

I would send the message about sending a packed lunch at least..I would also tell her you don't plan to sit in with the children for 3 days so will need to send money for activities..If she then tells you she can't afford it , then I would reply well neither can I do so will do one day instead..Bet she will find some money then.. It would also be the last time I do it.. I get up for 6 for a minded child 2 days a week...They are exhausting days.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 15/10/2017 13:10

I would not ask for money now, she's clearly spent up her free money and just because she had money last week, doesn't mean she has it now.

I would send a message more like "hi CF, I was surprised to see your FB posts about your trip to xxxx event, particularly talking about how much you were spending. You told me you couldn't afford childcare this half term and that's why you needed me to watch [dd] for free. You didn't say that you could afford it but wanted to spend the money on going to xxxx instead. I'm really disappointed."

YellowMakesMeSmile · 15/10/2017 13:15

I'd be cancelling too. School hols are known about every year as they are always the same time roughly. Spending money on fun rather than food and childcare whilst expecting others to provide it free makes for a crappy friend and parent.

Willow2017 · 15/10/2017 13:26

Frida
When it comes to prioritising stuff feeding your kids comes before a days piss up and fancy dressing up costumes. Flashing the cash while pleading poverty is crass and a nasty thing to do to op.
She obviously had plenty money just wanted to spend it on herself while op does 12hours a day for 3 days free childcare and provides food and activities for her kid.

StealthPolarBear · 15/10/2017 13:34

Op have you sent her a message yet? Or called her?